non-cis people...open with it irl?

[Sleepy Skeleton]

I've come out as NB to a few people, but now I keep it to myself.

Here's why:

1. Most people do not understand what non-binary means, and some of them might even be transphobic/homophobic.

2. I'm afraid that the people I trust that are familiar with trans issues, do no take me seriously. I look exclusively cis and use my birth name in real life. They probably think I'm just trying to be special.

So yeah, I think some people are either not out or don't have an appearance that reflects their gender.

[Densoro]

^ You put it much more succinctly than I did xD

It sucks tho, because what our gender looks like should be totally up to us, y'know? It'd be nice if people could take us on our own terms instead of saying we're somehow doing 'ourselves' wrong.

(Of course, I'm siding with binary trans people too, in saying that. Y'all catch so much gender-policing, too e__e)

[littlepersonparadox]

Everyone gets gender policing it sucks. its something silly and just hurts everyone involved.

[Heart]

Heck, even cis people hit up against gender policing! "Man up!" and "That's not very lady-like"... ugh. Bad for every poor soul that has ever had something like that aimed at them, no matter their gender :(

[Mercurial Daydream]

I live in NYC.. Plenty of street harassment to go around. Males with no filter that just want a piece of ass as long as you've got the right equipment. And they even think that saying "God bless you" is a PC way of doing it (no, they're definitely not just being good Christians..). FML.. Even more fun whe I do wear femme clothes (which I do).

*palmface* Ace moment. I lived there for four years and saw plenty of street harassment but never realized that was... not literal.

I'm not particularly visible as a trans person, but nor do I consider it a secret to be protected carefully. Sometimes I wonder if another person I see on the street is also trans, but, unless they're indicating a desire to discuss that (a) it's none of my business, (b) it's an awful reason to strike up a conversation.

You could say I'm open about my gender, I identify as female and express that. I'm open about being ace, I wear a ring and want others to recognize me as such. I'm more guarded about prior experiences that may evoke confusion or hate, both in my gender and sexual history. I usually don't feel a need to be seen for these compexities, even though I identify with them as part of my experience, except when I want to find others to discuss them with. But I still consider those things somewhat private, layers to be revealed as someone knows me a little better, not worn on my sleeve.

[Heart]

I'm not particularly visible as a trans person, but nor do I consider it a secret to be protected carefully. Sometimes I wonder if another person I see on the street is also trans, but, unless they're indicating a desire to discuss that (a) it's none of my business, (b) it's an awful reason to strike up a conversation.

You could say I'm open about my gender, I identify as female and express that. I'm open about being ace, I wear a ring and want others to recognize me as such. I'm more guarded about prior experiences that may evoke confusion or hate, both in my gender and sexual history. I usually don't feel a need to be seen for these compexities, even though I identify with them as part of my experience, except when I want to find others to discuss them with. But I still consider those things somewhat private, layers to be revealed as someone knows me a little better, not worn on my sleeve.

Well said, all of that! These things about me, my aceness, genderfluidity and polyamory are all layers, to be peeled away and discovered as someone gets to know me. Not things to be displayed as if in a circus.

I am not interesting because I am thrice queer, I am interesting and I am thrice queer :D

[butterflydreams]

I'm not particularly visible as a trans person, but nor do I consider it a secret to be protected carefully. Sometimes I wonder if another person I see on the street is also trans, but, unless they're indicating a desire to discuss that (a) it's none of my business, (b) it's an awful reason to strike up a conversation.

You could say I'm open about my gender, I identify as female and express that. I'm open about being ace, I wear a ring and want others to recognize me as such. I'm more guarded about prior experiences that may evoke confusion or hate, both in my gender and sexual history. I usually don't feel a need to be seen for these compexities, even though I identify with them as part of my experience, except when I want to find others to discuss them with. But I still consider those things somewhat private, layers to be revealed as someone knows me a little better, not worn on my sleeve.

Well said, all of that! These things about me, my aceness, genderfluidity and polyamory are all layers, to be peeled away and discovered as someone gets to know me. Not things to be displayed as if in a circus.

I am not interesting because I am thrice queer, I am interesting and I am thrice queer :D

For some reason, it's an easy trap to fall into...feeling like you're interesting because you're ____ (queer, some race, etc). I always want to be judged on what I do, not what I am. I know that's certainly how I treat others.

I think that's probably why I balk at things like "gay pride culture" (in the most generic sense). To each their own, but that's not the kind of crowd for me. I can only feel pride in the things I've achieved. The things I do. I differentiate between having good self-esteem and having pride in yourself because of what you are. Some people don't, and that's ok if they want to merge them together, but I've always seen them as very separate. So I end up wearing very little on my sleeve. Any physical mementos (a pin on my bag among many others, a small decal on my car window) are there for my purposes only. To remind myself that what I am isn't wrong. And possibly to attract the attention of someone else who might be similar. If you have too much on your sleeve, it might start to block out the you underneath.

[blossombreeze]

For me personally, my gender identity is not visible to the general public in how I dress. I'm not sure how i'd go about appearing more 'gender fluid' while still dressing "feminine" from time to time (though i choose not to look at clothes as a binary choice: a man can wear a skirt and still be masculine, just as a female can still wear pants and be feminine), wearing makeup (which i also never saw as solely feminine, since many of my male friends in 'punk' or 'goth' circles wore makeup too), and having a 'girly' haircut (whatever that means anyway: i've never looked at long hair as solely a feminine trait, since most males, my dad, his friends, etc. i've grown up around had long hair too). However, I do speak about being gender fluid in real life whenever the situation pertains to it, and I really do identify with occupying a fluctuating space in between male & female.

[Kappamaki]

I think that's probably why I balk at things like "gay pride culture" (in the most generic sense). To each their own, but that's not the kind of crowd for me. I can only feel pride in the things I've achieved. The things I do. I differentiate between having good self-esteem and having pride in yourself because of what you are. Some people don't, and that's ok if they want to merge them together, but I've always seen them as very separate.

To me, pride parades always made sense because (especially back when they first began!) surviving as a queer person in a hostile culture and making it to a pride parade is a serious enough accomplishment to deserve celebration. The language and celebration of Pride also does a lot to help with transcending the shame that's drilled into queer people's heads. For the same reason, I think it's worth being proud about other identity aspects that can mean a struggle with mainstream culture - like one's religion or ethnicity, potentially. They mean you've dealt with stuff.

[J. van Deijck]

I'm a transguy, rather androgynous in appearance. I haven't come out to anyone irl, except my family (which was a mistake...) and my boyfriend, who is the same actually, and I'm upset because the majority of people read me as female. I hate being taken as a female because it's not who I am.

In the web, though, everyone knows me as a man. I feel fine for that.

I can't wait to grow some facial hair. Maybe this will open their eyes to the truth, lol.

*high five* blossombreeze :3 I don't think clothes, hair or make up have genders. My androgynous appearance is mostly a result of being a goth, I also love eye make up + painted nails (I bet I own more nail polishes than many girls :lol:), and my hair is long and red. I am a man anyway.

[Sisky]

My non-femininity may come from my gender non-identity or from completely lacking any concept of gender-coded behavior or from the fact that clothes are just supposed to keep me warm and prevent me from being arrested for public indecency. In fact, I don't understand what pieces of fabric have to do with someone's mind/way of perceiving themselves.

If anyone asks, I'll tell them I'm just female for convenience since that's the sex I've been assigned and I couldn't care less about anything beyond that. Nobody ever asks though.

[Penny Dreadful]

I'm non-cis. I've come out to my mom(who doesn't really get it) and my psychiatrist (who's really supportive).

[butterflydreams]

I think that's probably why I balk at things like "gay pride culture" (in the most generic sense). To each their own, but that's not the kind of crowd for me. I can only feel pride in the things I've achieved. The things I do. I differentiate between having good self-esteem and having pride in yourself because of what you are. Some people don't, and that's ok if they want to merge them together, but I've always seen them as very separate.

To me, pride parades always made sense because (especially back when they first began!) surviving as a queer person in a hostile culture and making it to a pride parade is a serious enough accomplishment to deserve celebration. The language and celebration of Pride also does a lot to help with transcending the shame that's drilled into queer people's heads. For the same reason, I think it's worth being proud about other identity aspects that can mean a struggle with mainstream culture - like one's religion or ethnicity, potentially. They mean you've dealt with stuff.

Totally. I mean, I understand the concept and why it is what it is, but it's never resonated for me personally. Hehe, so there you go everyone: some people aren't actually comfortable with the idea of ____-pride for themselves. Maybe it just has to do with being a shy person in general? And dealing with conflict by subverting it or walking away?

I actually don't feel like any amount of "pride" movement/organization/philosophy would help me get rid of the shame I have about stuff. I'd be interested to hear personal stories of how it helped others though. I tend to feel like overcoming that shame is something I have to do myself, by myself, on my own journey.

[Calligraphette_Coe]

Totally. I mean, I understand the concept and why it is what it is, but it's never resonated for me personally. Hehe, so there you go everyone: some people aren't actually comfortable with the idea of ____-pride for themselves. Maybe it just has to do with being a shy person in general? And dealing with conflict by subverting it or walking away?

I actually don't feel like any amount of "pride" movement/organization/philosophy would help me get rid of the shame I have about stuff. I'd be interested to hear personal stories of how it helped others though. I tend to feel like overcoming that shame is something I have to do myself, by myself, on my own journey.

It can be like the Queer version of The Five People You Meet In Heaven. You find these people pop into your life and psyche and show you about You.

It's like in her near death experience, Calligraphette felt that her life was not worth living, and the latest CVA was just a welcome right of passage. And it's like I met an earlier version of Calligraphette on that path, and she said to me, 'You burn me. You make me fire." Like I killed my life in a war with myself to kill the Queerness that was my omnipresent antagonist. Only the antagonist was all Internal and that I had to, with the help of my Five People, see a better me that meant something to someones who saw no shame in my being what I was. That it wasn't may fault that I was sexually assaulted, and I should try to see that there is a hostile world, yes, but there is a lot of joy and courage in the Queer world, a lot of those Five People who will help you if you meet them.

That's why you need to go home sometimes, away from the antagonistic shame that sometimes assimilates you.

To give new life like a Phoenix when Calligraphette told me "You make me fire."

[Chardog]

I live in NYC.. Plenty of street harassment to go around. Males with no filter that just want a piece of ass as long as you've got the right equipment. And they even think that saying "God bless you" is a PC way of doing it (no, they're definitely not just being good Christians..). FML.. Even more fun whe I do wear femme clothes (which I do).

*palmface* Ace moment. I lived there for four years and saw plenty of street harassment but never realized that was... not literal.

I'm not particularly visible as a trans person...

"God Bless You" and "Have a Nice Day" aren't polite niceties if you are surrounded by a ton of women but you're the only one males are speaking to because you're dressed up nicely..

I look entirely cisgender.. No one would ever outwardly know that I don't identify as female by just looking at me.