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Dysphoria and Depression


S.Kobold

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Hello! I've been lurking and sporadically commenting in the gender forum for a while now... and I was hoping now to solicit some advice?

I'm not sure if what I feel is dysphoria or depression. I've been depressed for some time, and it got particularly bad at the beginning of this year when I had to take time off work and uni and saw a counsellor for a while. Since then I've noticed that I go through periods, coinciding with low mood, where I dislike my body. That is, the way it physically feels to me (I'm overweight, have feminine hips and have JJcup breasts which are a particular problem) and also the way I am perceived.

I work in a somewhat male dominated environment where I'm reminded that I am weaker, smaller and have limited reach on a regular basis. A lot of this comes from the assumptions of people, so delivery drivers will try to prevent me from lifting things, or remark upon how much I can lift - it's my job to lift heavy things... I'm not as strong as the guys, but I can still lift what I need to. The recent move to this particular work environment coincided with increased stress elsewhere in life, and involved a move into a very negative environment which all contributed to the sick leave at the start of the year, but it's also been the first work environment in which I've ever thought about my gender - either positively or negatively during the working day.

I have fairly low self esteem, and I've tended more recently to take this out on my body.

I've been thinking about getting breast reduction surgery - but I worry that how I feel now is a passing affect of depression (I also dislike going to see a doctor about something so trivial).

I'm worried I'm questioning my gender because it's a distraction, or because, subconsciously, I think it will make me more interesting/a better person/ give me somewhere to belong... And I'm worried that I want surgery as another form of self-abuse (does that even make sense?)

I'm not sure what the next step might be - I don't think I'm a man, any more than I think I'm a woman. My shape, and current lack of money for anything non-essential, means that I can't currently experiment with expression to see if it helps my mood/esteem/comfort

I don't know how to separate out

As back ground on gender expression - I was a tomboy growing up, and generally ignored my body throughout puberty. During undergraduate years clothing was basically comfortable (which means unisex jeans and t-shirt) and genderbending in formal situations (tailcoat and dress). Once I started working I shifted towards more feminine clothing styles, but still comfortable and nothing too femme - I would happily wear dresses over leggings (this has recently made me uncomfortable).

I've never before felt this huge discomfort in my own body -though there were feelings of disconnect when people commented on things like the size of my breasts, or complimented me, as well as a disconnect between my body and how I did (or more to the point - didn't) perceive it.

I've got a doctors appointment tomorrow. Ostensibly it's about my depression - but I don't think there's a great deal they can do about that as I'm very wary of antidepressants. I'm not sure whether to mention the possible gender issues, and I'm terrified (which I can't admit to anyone irl) of asking about breast reduction surgery...

Any thoughts?

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nerdperson777

It is possible that it is both. My gender is almost mutually exclusive from anxiety and depression but for some, their dysphoria causes their depression. The doctor is there to help you so I would say that you should talk to them about it. You seem to experience dysphoria just from what I can see. I hope this helps.

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I'm kinda going through the same thing right now(I am definitely experiencing dysphoria and am possibly depressed). And I think your gender issues are something you should bring up, because they do influence your mood.

I'm worried I'm questioning my gender because it's a distraction, or because, subconsciously, I think it will make me more interesting/a better person/ give me somewhere to belong... And I'm worried that I want surgery as another form of self-abuse (does that even make sense?)

this!! I wonder so often if I see testosterone and top surgery as some kind of miracleworker which will solve all of my problems, and that's why I'm scared to actually go through with it.

And about how you dress, on days you feel more confident about, well anything, but mainly your body, do you feel like putting more thought into what you are going to wear? Because that's what I do. On a daily basis I feel like shit and throw on anything that doesn't smell, but those rare moments I feel like my binder does flatten my chest enough, or when I notice how nice my legs actually look, I feel like putting on those 'nice' clothes(I've got a few t-shirts and one pair of pants I love) and feel good about my appearance for once instead of indifferent. Because I just don't care that much about how I look, and I don't know if that's about me just disconnecting from my physical appearance so that I don't have to deal with how negative I might feel about it(Which I don't know!! because I don't care!!) or if I genuinely am one of those persons who just don't care that much.

I'm honestly just giving myself advice rn but I hope it applies to your situation as well. Talk about it, at least write it down, for me, thoughts are a jumble of everything I lose everything in until it pops up again, but if you have to formulate how you feel and get feedback, things will make more sense.(If you aren't already doing that obviously)

I feel like I have been talking about myself a lot, but I really hope this helped you in any way.

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butterflydreams

The cheapo answer is that if you have to ask "is this dysphoria or depression?" dysphoria is likely at least involved somehow. Not a universal rule by any means, but hey, you're the one asking the question. Might as well explore possible answers :)

I've got a doctors appointment tomorrow. Ostensibly it's about my depression - but I don't think there's a great deal they can do about that as I'm very wary of antidepressants. I'm not sure whether to mention the possible gender issues, and I'm terrified (which I can't admit to anyone irl) of asking about breast reduction surgery...

Any thoughts?

Have you ever been on antidepressants before? If not, and if your depression is really getting in the way of your life, they might be worth a shot. You don't have to be on them long term, but I know for me, I had to do something. I'm pretty wary of them too. I actually just got off them a few days ago. They do have their place though. They might help give you a little boost to get you on your feet, and once you're there, maybe sorting through gender issues won't be quite so bad.

Alternatively of course, you could go after the gender issues first if you really feel something might be there. I know I couldn't have gotten to thinking about asexuality or gender or any of that stuff when I was depressed, so I kinda had to deal with that first. Not sure how it'll play out for you.

One last thing on depression though, I felt exactly like you do when I first went to the doctor about it (the feeling was even stronger the second time). I said, sure, I'll go, but there's nothing they will be able to do to help me. What, were they going to somehow convince me my view of my life was wrong? That's not what they're trying to do. All that negative talk is the depression talking. It loves to do whatever it can to preserve itself. It'll feed you lie after bullshit lie to keep you feeling down. That's all depression is really. Lies. Lies to keep itself alive at the expense of you living a full life.

Good luck! *hugs*

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Just wanted to say Thanks!

Your support really helped me have the courage to mention more to the doctor than just the usual. I have been prescribed antidepressants, and I mentioned gender dysphoria as being a problem. But we sort of agreed to not look into that further until I tried out the antidepressants... though there's not much you can discuss in 10 minutes about these things.

Thanks again,

M. K.

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Wow, MK, that sounds amazing!

Good luck with the antidepressants. I remember that they take a month or two to start working, so it may be a while before you feel the effects, but I'm so glad you got to talk to your doctor. Mentioning this is the first step. You've now started laying the foundations, that's sometimes the hardest part :cake:

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