So many questions

[Roguita]

This is my first post. But in looking at the website and reading these posts it sounds like I may have found the right place for some good solid advice.

I've been with my fiancé for almost 3 years. Coming from a past relationship that didn't work out I was very careful this time while getting to know him. I was upfront in what I was looking for in a loving committed relationship as was he. I am a sexual person and I feel as though that aspect of a committed loving relationship is important for me.

In the beginning he was also sexual. However since we have become engaged things have drastically changed. We have sex probably less then 10 times per year. When I bring it up or talk to him about it there is always a reason. He doesn't feel good or he's too tired or his back hurts. I feel like it's me. I stay so hurt and feel rejected all the time. And I've been honest with him about how it makes me feel. But since finding this website I'm wondering if I'm putting too much pressure on him and maybe the older he's gotten he just isn't as interested in sex? I'm 36 and he is 10 years older then me.

Can people become asexual? Or is it possible that he just isn't interested in me? He lives with me and he's good to my children. I just don't know what to do.

Any advice is appreciated.

[Telecaster68]

I'm in a similar situation. My wife of 16 years, who's 6 years older than me (I'm 46... for a few more days...) has gone off sex to the point where she says the same kind of things that asexuals say: no desire/attraction to anyone, no libido, wouldn't care if she never did it again, gets no pleasure from it. So I don't know if she'd say she's asexual as a label, but it gives me a bit of clarity and (rationally at least) gets over the 'she can't love me/I'm not attractive' stuff. Emotionally.... it's a different story, but it's a start.

For my wife, I'm pretty certain she was always somewhere in the low libido/gray area, and the new relationship stuff plus enjoying doing something I wanted more or less got us by till menopause/lupus/mild situational depression killed it off. Some asexuals apparently reach a point where their indifference or tolerance turns to 'nope, can't make myself anymore'.

Has your fiance actually said the 'I'm not attracted to anyone/don't like sex stuff? It might not be asexuality, though AVEN does tend to assume stuff like this is, understandably.

As for advice... can you face the rest of your life without sex? And more importantly for most sexuals with an asexual, with never being desired? Like... ever. Not once. Rationally, it's easy to understand. Emotionally, it's an ongoing headfuck, I've found.

Some asexuals will have sex because they like doing stuff their partners enjoy, but it's not desire in the 'I WANT YOU NOW' sense. Some sexuals are okay with that. More, I suspect, think they can hack it and find out after a while that they can't.

But the first step has to be getting him to accept that it's hurting you, you're a couple, so it's partly his problem too. If it's his back, see an osteopath or neurologist. If it's tiredness, change lifestyle. If it's his orientation... well that's a whole other thing and you'll have to figure out together how to deal with it. You can't be expected to put up with avoidance forever.

[Roguita]

He hasn't said the "no I'm not attracted to anyone or you" stuff yet. And I ask up front if it's me. If he's not attracted to me. He says he is.

I don't know if I can live the rest of my life not being desired. I find myself asking those questions daily. I've even tried to compromise and say can we just try to have sex once a month? He then denies that it's been a month since the last time. When I politely remind him it's been three months he says "who remembers that?!" Well if you're only having sex a couple times a year it's not hard to remember the last time.

[Telecaster68]

It might be testosterone, depression, ED... I'm sure you know the laundry list.

Some people have to push it to crisis point (IE 'I'm leaving if you don't change') before their partner even engages with the problem in the relationship It's horrible for both sides. I didn't quite get to that, but it took months of putting my distress in my wife's face rather than putting a brave, patient face on it. In the end, why should you just suck it up, when the other person won't even concede you're in pain? That's not really about sex, it's about dismissing your partner's needs.

On some level, your fiance and my wife were fine, thankyou. They were getting what they wanted (no sex) and we're asking them to deal with something painful, the outcome of which will be doing something they don't want to (sex), so it's no surprise they tried to avoid it. Sometimes it has to get to the point where they're going to be getting something worse than sex - losing you, or seeing you in constantly in pain - before there's an incentive to change.

But then - do you want the sex you'll get under those conditions, even if you succeed?

[Roguita]

Exactly! Everything you just said runs through my head every day! Then when I get vocal about it I feel like a jerk! I wonder so often if I've done something wrong. Then sometimes I just wonder if he really doesn't feel good.

This is TMI so stop reading if you'll get offended.

He is more than willing to "play" whenever I want as long as he doesn't have to put in much effort. But for me that isn't enough to have that connection with him that I crave. Am I just crazy?

[Guest]

When we first started dating, my partner was sexual... and she still is, in the sense that she talks and acts sexual. Unlike some of the asexuals on AVEN, there's no way to know from talking to, dating, or even having sex with my partner that she's asexual-leaning. For the first about 3 years she denied it. For the first year, she said it was past bad relationships and I just had to ease her mind that I wouldn't, basically, sexually assault her. Ummm... not an issue with me, I've never pushed anyone sexually in my life. The second year it was all my fault. I wasn't initiating right, I wasn't touching her right, I wasn't... who knows. But whatever it was, it was obviously my fault. Then we started digging into her past and I was like "so, basically, you've never had sex more than a few times with any of your previous partners?"

She is now pretty open about being asexualish, and has even identified as such to friends, etc. Whether she's literally "asexual" or not, I don't see why it matters... treating her as if she were asexual has worked the best for both of us, so there it is.

Tele is right... intellectually it's easy to accept. Emotionally it's a constant game of getting blindsided and tackled by rejection, loneliness, depression, insecurity, anger, and resentment.

It's also true that it takes something worse than sex to motivate my partner... but she's, at this point, sick of the whole thing, as am I, so now when it comes up the conversation very quickly becomes "so, should we just break up because i don't want to keep having this conversation forever." So far we've both answered "no." I assume some day at least one of us will answer "yes". I don't think that day is far off, but we'll see.

OP, how would you feel if you got to the point where he says "there's no reason, no excuses, and I'm not going to make any effort to change... I do not want to have sex with you and that's that."?

[Guest]

He is more than willing to "play" whenever I want as long as he doesn't have to put in much effort. But for me that isn't enough to have that connection with him that I crave. Am I just crazy?

My partner used to do this before I got sick of it and put an end to it. She wouldn't even, like, get up. It was an errant hand on my... ya know. And that was that. And then she'd go on about how great in bed she is.

SIGH.

[Telecaster68]

You're not a jerk or crazy. You just have this mad idea that the person who wants to marry you would like to have sex with you.... ;)

Do you think not putting in much effort is just him being lazy? Or does that not fit? Some asexuals say 'but it's all so much effort' (yeah, I'm going 'but... but... but...' at this point too...) so I guess if you don't get anything or at least not much from sex, not having to exert yourself much must make it more tolerable. And if he's not into enough to even want to put in much effort (every time I type that I have to stop to let my mind boggle awhile), then clearly there's no connection going on.

That's been one of the more ground-shaking bits of this with my wife actually. All the years I thought we were having great sex (in part because she said stuff like 'we have the best sex I've ever had', so it wasn't just vanity), she was mostly 'meh', and not feeling that oxytocin flood of 'oh god yessssss' afterwards. Makes you start to question things.

[SithLord]

Sexual orientation is a spectrum, so people can become it over time but it's less rare than being asexual consistently over time, like being gay or straight.

That being said, we can't tell you if he is or isn't asexual since there might be a lot of other factors contributing to his decreased desire to have sex. Especially since not all asexuals are opposed to sex, most just don't put as much weight behind it as most sexuals/non-asexuals do.

I think you should try and talk it out with him. Ask him why he doesn't seem to be interested in you anymore. We can support you but can't be much help.

[Roguita]

He does say it's so much effort. But then I hear stories about how when he was younger he couldn't get enough. So it has to be me right? He does want to "snuggle" and hold hands and such. He just doesn't want to EVER have sex. And like you said above Skullery Maid.... He's the first one to boast about how sexual he is in jokes to his buddies and stuff. When he does that my eyes want to POP OUT OF MY HEAD! He doesn't have an ED problem so it has to be me. But he's a hard worker, is good to my kids and seems to enjoy spending time with me. I've even asked if he were getting it elsewhere. His answer is always the same. Nope.

[Tarfeather]

I think it's perfectly possible to become disinterested in sex as a regular sexual person, especially as you get older. Some sexuals never had a "need" for sex to begin with, but just did it because it was enjoyable and as a nice way to connect with their partner, other times a woman just loses her drive at a certain age.. My mom actually once told me that she felt pretty disgusted when she heard one of her old-time friends boast about sex, because she considered it immature to still be so concerned with it at that age (she was about 50 at the time).

[Guest]

He doesn't have an ED problem so it has to be me.

It really doesn't have to be you. Maybe he's just the kind of person who is initially sexually charged and then loses it... that's not particularly uncommon, from my experience and what I've heard from friends, etc. It's easy to desire someone who is there simply to be desired. It's harder to desire someone who also cleans your house and birthed your children and fights with your mother etc etc etc. You're a real person now... in all of "real person" glory... and maybe for him, he loses interest in everyone once they reach that state in his mind.

[Telecaster68]

If he (or she) walks like an asexual and talks like asexual does it make them asexual?

Im in the same boat as Skully used to be. My wife doesn't identify as asexual but its easier and less agonising for me if I think of her that way. But the doubt remains... if she's not, and there's no actual pathology, and she's therefore just gone off sex, coukd she not get it back? I try not to go down that road though...

And Roguita... It's almost certainly not you. [insert sex goddess of choice] could lap dance in front of him and he'd probably not be interested. My wife used to drool at George Clooney. I accepted she had no interest in sex completely when he got married, and there was all the 'shattered dreams of countless women' coverage. Her only comment was that they must've been after his wallet.

[Roguita]

Skullery.....: great point. That is very possible. Definitely gives me stuff to think about.

Tele..... I want to be the sex goddess of choice! Hahahaha.

Thank you both for the advice and encouragement. As much as I feel bad that you are both going through the same thing it does help to know you aren't the only one.

[Feral_Sophisticate]

Merged duplicate threads into one.

[Tarfeather]

It's easy to desire someone who is there simply to be desired. It's harder to desire someone who also cleans your house and birthed your children and fights with your mother etc etc etc. You're a real person now... in all of "real person" glory... and maybe for him, he loses interest in everyone once they reach that state in his mind.

Harder for who, exactly? Personally, the only times I stopped desiring someone once they became "real" was because I was lying to myself about who they were to begin with.

[Telecaster68]

Harder for Roguita's fiance, I think Skull meant. Possibly.

Personally I find all the domestic stuff ups the erotic charge (well, ideally) - it's thrilling to know that at the centre of the everyday hassles, there's this intense, energising erotic refuge you share. I don't think that's a particularly common attitude though.

[Roguita]

I agree Tele. For me I love knowing there is that bond that he and I share (well ideally). At the end of the day when supper is over chores are done and the kids are in bed I have a partner who wants to be with me physically. That's a huge turn on for me. But it makes me wonder if skully is right. Maybe after the newness wears off for him he simply isn't interested.

[Telecaster68]

At the end of the day when supper is over chores are done and the kids are in bed I have a partner who wants to be with me physically.

Yeah, that's kind of the whole effing point of it to me ;) ... shut the bedroom door and luxuriate in the stuff that really matters. But I guess for them, it just doesn't matter. Or, it's not a way of luxuriating in it.

[Guest]

I am kinda curious if maybe the "can't get enough" is putting on, to seem "masculine", since he still talks about it even though he says it's too much effort? Have you sat down and discussed past and present and the differences to see if there has been a major shift? I wouldn't put any faith on what he says in front of OTHER people. There is a lot of pressure, on men especially, to be sex machines and him saying he needed it / is very sexual in front of other people is just common, even for people who never were. What he says to you specifically behind closed doors is what matters.

If he really was very interested in sex before, there are many factors that could be slowing things down. If he says you're attractive to him, I would believe it. Attractive can mean many things, it doesn't have to mean "I want to rip your clothes off" - he could think you're gorgeous, love your personality, love how you are in the domestic life, etc etc. Just, find the idea of sex tiresome at his current age. I know a sexual couple that is older (40s-early 50s) and they say they go through periods (months at a time of just being too tired/busy to care) where sex is just too much effort to even think about. One period he may be in that mood, while she wants it, but they end up not doing it because he doesn't want to. Another she may be, but he wants it and they end up doing it because she doesn't want to. So they end up going long periods of time without sex at all, because they can't get together when they both have the energy to do it after taking care of kids, jobs, the house, the pets, etc. Age can also be a factor, my partner in his 30s was into sex so much 7 times a day was fine for him. Now, he's still very sexual, but 3 times would be closer to his max than 7. So that's less than half what he used to be into. A person with a lower libido taking a cut of half would show a much sharper decline.

Other factors can be medical. But, if he feels like he just isn't interested right now and doesn't want to try to "fix" it then he just isn't interested. And the why exactly might not matter. Sometimes even sexual people can not want sex for a while. And asexuals can sometimes find sex to be fun due to the physical pleasure, but sometimes that wears off and it stops being worth the effort put in. Only he can really tell you the why and he might not even know exactly why. The important bit is sitting down together and trying to figure out where his lack of interest leaves the two of you.

[Autumn Season]

I am kinda curious if maybe the "can't get enough" is putting on, to seem "masculine", since he still talks about it even though he says it's too much effort? Have you sat down and discussed past and present and the differences to see if there has been a major shift? I wouldn't put any faith on what he says in front of OTHER people. There is a lot of pressure, on men especially, to be sex machines and him saying he needed it / is very sexual in front of other people is just common, even for people who never were. What he says to you specifically behind closed doors is what matters.

Agreed. He might just be saying things lightheartedly without really meaning it.

An anecdote: Even I, an asexual woman, make sexual jokes with my friends. They know I'm ace too. It's just that talking about sexual/ hot/ ... people/ situations is one way of how I connect with my friends. For example I comment on how the men in my hostel used to walk around in towels only after the shower. It's not that I find them hot but I know that my friends love such stories and I love their reactions. :) So yeah. I guess I sound pretty sexual from the outside but I'm just being silly, social, finding common topics with friends.

And I really wished your hubby would at least be understanding when you're voicing your frustration with the declining sex life. Showing empathy is in my opinion something a partner should do.