So I really only want to cuddle?

[Mickis]

If I (female, 19) understand myself right, I only want to cuddle with people. (When I say cuddle I mean maybe closed-lip kisses but not anything more.) I think I have liked some boys/girls in the past but it never led to anything past holding hands.

The only kissing/making out I have done is when tipsy and hoping to feel something (which wasn't that fun so not much of that either). But for 4-5 years now I haven't had a crush on anyone at all, though I am fairly certain that I've had at least one crush before? Maybe?

The thing is that I'm at a University now and everyone is talking about sex/relationships and I have never been in one, and I am also a virgin. But I don't feel like I need to be in one/do it? Also there is a lot of touching happening, and most of it makes me uncomfortable, especially when I know that they like me as more than friends. I honestly feel kind of disgusted if (guys in this case) puts a hand on the small of my back in a certain way, it just does not feel right at all.

I only want to cuddle with someone, be someone's number one and maybeee kiss (closed mouth) them?

Sorry for wasting your time with this but I really don't know what to think about it. Maybe someone here feels similar?

*And sorry for any errors, English is not my first language (I'm from Sweden actually ;)*

[onezerox2p]

Hallå!

You sound like a (hetero/homo/bi/pan)romantic asexual! Basically, that's exactly what it is! It's wanting a relationship - all of the sex stuff! Cuddling and kissing is up to the person, but yeah! I would look into that term if I were you, you might discover what you were looking for.

[Starkoss]

Mickis, I feel exactly the same way. I like physical closeness, but not exactly intimacy, I guess? Kissing, hugging, arms around each other when we're hanging out on the couch watching a movie, all are nice. I'm not repulsed by nudity or sex, but neither really does anything for me. I kind of wish I'd admitted this to myself when I was your age.

[Billyd96]

I'm a little similar, 19, at uni also but I'm a guy. I often feel like cuddling and get all affectionate. But no one would usually know. I won't mention what happened when I got seriously drunk just under a year ago :) I also get uncomfortable with my mates sex talks as I just feel like an alien being Ace and virgin. I'm not sure what to suggest but just that I feel like you do, this was not a waste of time at all.

[Star Bit]

Not everyone is into extencive kissing, but that's fine and doesn't mean you don't have romantic attraction. I'll post a list of attractions just in case.

There are 6 types of attraction. They're all typically felt with romantic attraction (and why there can be confusion between attractions) but they aren't needed to make it valid. They can all be felt separately, without romantic attraction, and in different combinations. The desire to act in a certain way can also be separate from the attraction (e.g. sexual attraction with no desire to act on it).

· Sexual attraction - the impulse/compulsion to have sex with a specific person; to do genital involving things to their body.

· Romantic attraction - an emotion; so it doesn't translate well into words, but it can be inadequately put as soft/warm/fuzzy feelings with some degree of fixation (at least in comparison to one's normality with others). Some people have a physical reaction to the feeling and others don’t (i.e. butterflies in their stomach, heart rate increase, blushing, etc. [though those are also symptoms of platonic nervousness]). Others may react emotionally with a dreamy mindset, anxious euphoria, infatuation, romantic fantasies, etc.

· Aesthetic attraction - the pull to look at someone because of their looks and or mannerisms. It's different from recognizing good looks/what is aesthetically pleasing.

· Emotional attraction - the fixation on someone because of their emotions (optimism, stoicness, etc.), and by extent personality. I would compare it to having a favorite character or admirance.

· Sensual attraction - the impulse to have non-genital physical contact with someone specific. Platonically displaying this above the norm qualifies as a type of queerplatonic relationship (QPR). I would compare it to how many people have the urge to act toward their pets. Though this term is typically applied to other humans. There are 3 forms of sensual attraction; platonic, romantic (which only differ by chaste kissing), and sexual (in the sense that it’s done for sexual arousal, not because it includes sex/genital contact --and it’s still under asexuality as a kink).

· Platonic attraction - (aka a squish; a play on the romantic word crush) the impulse to know or befriend someone specific. The desired bond can vary from being friends, close friends, to best friends.

· And it's possible to find someone charming without romantic attraction. (look up charming's definition/synonyms for further clarification)

· It’s also possible to feel queerplatonically about someone. A queerplatonic relationship (or one sided, a 'queerplatonic squish' aka 'queerplatonic crush') is emotionally platonic (i.e. has no romantic attraction) but has (or desires to have a relationship that has) the characteristic(s) associated with a romantic relationship. It can be an importance/closeness stronger than the best friend norm, displaying platonic sensual attraction above the norm (only differing from romantic sensual attraction with chaste kissing, although preferring chaste kissing or no kissing does not make one’s feelings unromantic), or a combination of the two. They may or may not have monogamy, live together, have kids, or look like a couple to the public. Romantics and Aromantics can have QPRs. An example would be Turk and JD from Scrubs.

(The following is currently under some definitions of the term queerplatonic, but others agree these should be split up into another term; possibly Quasiplatonic; an alternative term for queerplatonic for those who want to avoid the gay interpretation of the word queer, but the prefix quasi does not actually reflect that and means the opposite, nor does the word platonic hold up under it either; as the word cannot include sex or romance)

A quasiplatonic relationship (QSPR? QZPR?) is a relationship that does not involve romantic attraction but does involve romantic or sexual things. It can be friends with sexual benefits, friends with make out benefits, or romantically pleasing someone they platonically care about (QP to one and romantic to the other; although it's their decision on what they call the relationship).

[trans~asexual~phoenix]

I could almost feel myself in your post.

This wasn't a waste of time, a lot of people feel the way you do, I included.

[SkyWorld]

Moved thread from Asexual Q&A to Romantic and Aromantic Orientations.

SkyWorld

Asexual Q&A Co-Moderator

[jack616]

Mickis, not a waste of time at all! :)

You're under no obligation to do anything that doesn't interest you, you don't owe anyone anything. You don't even have to listen to othe people talk about relationships/sex. If you're uncomfortable asking directly for them to not mention it around you, try perhaps subtly changing the subject or even casually excusing yourself for a bit. It's a way around it.

Don't feel pressured into anything. If anyone touches you and you don't like it, tell them. Doesn't have to be rude, just be firm. They may not even realise they're doing it so much; I tend to touch people I like (even if I see it as platonic). By all means tell people not to.

Best of luck hun :)

[Serra]

Dont worry too much about it... and dont worry about doing things that make you feel uncomfortable... if you only want to cuddle...then they should respect that... if they dont...its up to you whether you want to push yourself...

I myself Really only like to cuddle...I dont like kissing...I think mouths are gross (though to make my boyfriend happy I do give them pecks on the lips- but thats it- and I rarely do that...I really dont like it.)

And when theres those commercials that show close ups of people eating food I shudder...its gross... I dont know how dentists deal with the close ups of someones mouth... UGH!

Unless you really want to step out of your comfort zone... dont worry about doing it... if they dont understand or respect your choices they probably arent the person for you...dont be in a rush to find anyone either...

Its fine <3 You arent doing anything wrong.

[JessieJay13]

I am intimately familiar with this feel right here. My sensual attraction is off the charts, while my sexual and romantic attractions are close to nil. When I had a boyfriend, really the only thing about the relationship that I actually looked forward to was cuddling up together on the couch to watch netflix. He liked kissing, but I could barely tolerate anything more than the closed-lip kissing you mention. I don't mind pecks to show affection (I'm perfectly up for quick chaste kisses with friends, I even want them sometimes), but once spit comes into play -- I'm OUT.

You mentioned you haven't had any crushes in a long time. Does your wanting to cuddle come part and parcel with any sort of romantic attraction? Cuz mine certainly didn't and it took me far too long to decouple those feelings and realize that sensuality doesn't always have to be romantically coded.

[Mickis]

Thank you for all your answers! I have thought about my sexuality for a while and I have found now, that I feel most comfortable with a aromatic or panromantic (still confused about this...) and grey-sexual.

I can look at porn and read steamy scenes and think "Oh, that sounds sexy" and become aroused, but I don´t want to have sex with anyone. Though when I am drunk I sometimes make out with people and that feels.. okey? But I never want to initiate it, especially not sober.

I feel comfortable with the term grey-sexual and I thank you all for your answers! :)

[Star Bit]

Thank you for all your answers! I have thought about my sexuality for a while and I have found now, that I feel most comfortable with a aromatic or panromantic (still confused about this...) and grey-sexual.

I can look at porn and read steamy scenes and think "Oh, that sounds sexy" and become aroused, but I don´t want to have sex with anyone. Though when I am drunk I sometimes make out with people and that feels.. okey? But I never want to initiate it, especially not sober.

I feel comfortable with the term grey-sexual and I thank you all for your answers! :)

But what you described is still under asexual and completely normal for them too. It's completely normal for sexual people too; straight women have the same reaction to gay male porn, but they don't desire to have sex with those men. That's why sexual arousal and sexual desire are two different things regardless of sexual orientation. Gray-sexual is a when you want sex term (under unusual circumstances like an emotional bond requirement, etc.). You said you don't want to have sex with anyone; that's asexual and the only thing that's required for the orientation. Anything else is irrelevant. I suggest this thread. Are you still confused on whether you feel romantic attraction or desire a romantic relationship?