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My mum was just really transphobic the night I was just about to come out to her.


Gnomic

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I was ready to come out tonight, I was confident, had a high self-esteem and was happy to show my true self. Literally a couple of hours before I planned to come out, an advert came on for a tv documentary about transgender children and teens (i.e. me). My mum's immediate reaction was "Oh God" and "Just because I played with cars when I was a girl doesn't mean I'm a boy...". This was a huge blow on my confidence and self-esteem. I rushed up to my room and began to panic and have major dysphoria. I always thought my mum would be accepting of me being trams mtf but now I'm stressing out as I won't be able to bare keeping this a secret until I move out. I'm really unsure what to do right now and am close to bawling.

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I'm so sorry you had to go through that!!

I don't really have much advice, because I've never been in your position myself, but I hope you find a way to work things out. No matter what your mom may think, there is nothing wrong with being who you are! :cake:

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Thanks :). I'm trying to figure out when to come out now and how as I was not suspecting what just happened whatsoever.

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cherryxcardium

Perhaps her apparent transphobia comes from a place of lack of understanding?

I mean my mum's kind of the same, but when I came out to her she seemed to be all could about it.

Mind you, there's been a lot of negativity directed at me recently since I told her I was considering transition. So maybe that's how it's manifesting.

All you can do is wait until the best moment you can to tell her <3

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Thanks cherry. So if I came out to her with a bit of background info / explanation of being transgender, maybe she would change her ways? I may try this. Gonna' definitely come out by email now though rather than face to face, maybe link to some useful resources and hope for the best? Good luck, hope your mum accepts your transition!

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Sometimes people will say things ( like your mum did) and not 100% mean it , like your mum was making a big random statement about one small aspect, she only criticised the thought of thinking your a boy because you played with cars , she did not critisize actually feeling like you are another gender , and I think everyone makes random statements sometimes for mild excitement , but in a different situation ( such as her own child telling her about their gender ) then there may be a different reaction, it's hard to explain what I mean , but you don't know 100% how she will feel about you . So don't worrie , because we tend to amplify the bad things and take that as the 100% truth . There is no way of knowing until you know . Tell you self every night that everything is aOk!

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Maybe I am overreacting... It's just that it totally blew my cool, I was ready and then BOOM! Transphobia! I'm going to write an email in the next week or so. I just hope her reaction for me will be different than that advert as you say it may.

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Maybe I am overreacting... It's just that it totally blew my cool, I was ready and then BOOM! Transphobia! I'm going to write an email in the next week or so. I just hope her reaction for me will be different than that advert as you say it may.

I'm probably the worst person for over reacting with things , I think we all do sometimes , but I think in your situation it is a normal reaction to overreact , maby It's a good idea is to ask your mum if you can go have dinner in a restaurant ( one which isn't super quiet so you can talk ) , and tell her that you need to talk , and you could tell her before you sit down what it's about , and then during dinner you can discuss everything that you want to . It may seem awkward , but it may actually be less awkward in a way , because you can focus on the meal as an occasion , and if you tell her everything on email it may be awkward the next time you speak because you've never verbalised it . Good luck anyway .
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butterflydreams

Perhaps her apparent transphobia comes from a place of lack of understanding?

I'll second this. My mom has extremely limited understanding of all this stuff, and even explaining what I can, it'll probably just take time. Heck, my dad even told me that he was sure the whole Caitlyn Jenner thing was part of an Illuminati conspiracy to blur gender lines...or something like that.

You can wait and send an email, but be prepared for a not so great reaction. It doesn't mean your mom is transphobic, or that she doesn't love you. If this is the first time you're telling her, you might consider avoiding resources and information and terms. It's important to stress that you're the same person, just happier. Trying to live your authentic life. I think the appeal to parental love is the simplest best way to go. But even that isn't a sure thing. Telling your mom is also a sign that you care about her too. You want to keep her informed.

I think your parents generally deserve the very biggest benefit of the doubt. Try not to judge their reactions too quickly. Showing that you're willing to work with them and help them along and have an understanding of how they might feel about it is a really powerful message to send. Good luck :)

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How about subtly trying to broaden her horizons by suggesting you watch that TV show together?

Seeing an advert isn't quite the same thing. Getting involved with an emotional story she isn't directly connected to might give her the chance to see another point of view. Ie not her own! ^_^

It might really help to 'ease' her onto the subject. At least then later she can't say it was 'out of the blue' like people usually seem to say.

Best of luck hun

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BR2925 (Sunfish)

Explain it to her and familiarize it with her. Maybe she'll understand. But, find a safe haven, a safe place to stay before you ever come out. Something might go wrong, and you need to know where you can escape. (Like a friend's house or a hotel room.) Be careful, good luck and best wishes.

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littlepersonparadox

Do you have someone you know she will listen to and can advocate for you on your behalf if something goes wrong? Your mom may still accept you. I'm currently working on my mom who's super nervous about stuff like this so i'm taking it slow (hints and things). Sometimes parents won't listen to their kids becasue they get stuck seeing them as a young child rather than an adult with self-understanding and can fix a proper future for themselves. Hearing it from another adult she trusts her age may also sway her. (again if things go wrong)

Your mom may accept you still. She made a large assumption that some transgender people are just confused becasue she assumed someone transgender may just be conflicting gender with gender roles. A confliction many people make (although its mostly cis people i found that make this folly, not trans). This comment seemed to largely come from ignorance and not understanding what actually makes someone realise and understand themselves to be trans.

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Aww, c'mere *hugs you real tight if you're okay with that* *pats your head* *hugs you again* :)

Sorry. I don't really have advice to offer. I just wanted to comfort you...

I guess you could explain the whole trans thing (as a general topic just to test the waters) to her, considering that she may not understand the social and emotional implications of being transgender, which is why she might be annoyed when the ad came up.

Make backup plans though. Have a friend on speed dial so you can talk to them if anything goes wrong or if you're just feeling really panicky and need to pour all that emotions out. It helps a lot to talk to someone who understands. Also, have a place you can escape to if needed. Set up arrangements with your friends and pack a small bag if needed. I'm not trying to jinx your coming out but you've got to be prepared, yes?

Everything will turn out alright. Don't worry. Stay strong and be safe!

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Autumn Season

First of all I'm sorry that your coming out got spoiled by your mom's remark and that you ended up feeling this shitty.

Then I would like to agree with the following posts.

Sometimes people will say things ( like your mum did) and not 100% mean it , like your mum was making a big random statement about one small aspect, she only criticised the thought of thinking your a boy because you played with cars , she did not critisize actually feeling like you are another gender

^ This...

Perhaps her apparent transphobia comes from a place of lack of understanding?

I'll second this. My mom has extremely limited understanding of all this stuff, and even explaining what I can, it'll probably just take time.

^ and that.

It really sounds like your mom simply doesn't know much about transgender. And can you expect somebody ignorant to say something sensible?

People often muddle things together like behavior, sexuality and gender. My mom once worried about boys playing with dolls, because then they would feel like women and later sleep with other men, right? (Not that this would be a bad thing, but...) I explained that this is not how it works. That people who feel like men will always feel like men, no matter how often they play with dolls and that if they are heterosexual, then they will always want to sleep with women, no matter how feminine they might appear. She honestly looked like she understood. It was simply a novel topic for her and she jumped to the wrong conclusions.

Once she told me how a colleague's daughter got sent to a therapist, because she behaved like a boy. I commented that this was not something that should be treated. She visibly thought about it again, then agreed and said that she might be mistaken and the daughter has a therapist for different reasons.

What I'm trying to show is that when somebody says something silly, that only proves ignorance, nothing else. And I'm not sure whether somebody can be transphobic if they don't even know anything about the topic.

When I still didn't know much about trans people (I am still not very knowledgeable, but AVEN helped some), a friend told me about her friend who really wanted to date women, but couldn't attract anyone. And he blamed his feminine-looking body. But when he got the advice to work out to develop muscles, he refused and said that he wanted to be accepted for the way he is. In this moment his behavior looked unwise: If you complain about not getting any, then do something about it! Later he decided to (physically) become a woman. Today I think that he might have identified as female and that he wanted to be accepted for this identity. In this light his unwillingness to look more manly makes sense.

What I am trying to say here is that depending on how a story is being told, it seems or doesn't seem logical. Since I never heard that he felt like a woman, his behavior didn't make sense. I would have had more empathy if I had known about his social gender. (Though of course I'm not sure whether he really saw himself as a woman.) So coming out can really help your mom to understand you and everything that you do better.

And even after you explain everything, your mom will probably need time to let it all sink in. After all you would be shaking her whole worldview. So try to be a little patient. :)

When I came out to my mom as ace, she was not understanding. So I started to feel resentful. But now it seems that I have been a bit too emotional. I cannot just dump a whole lot of information on somebody and simply expect them to get it all and be completely fine with it, like immediately. It is only natural to slowly get used to a new thought.

In any case, I hope your mom is open-minded and supportive. ^^ I wish you lots of success!

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Autumn Sunrise

Gnomic, I'm sorry that this experience has left you feeling so unsure and unsupported, just when you need your mum to understand what's happening in your life. Your mother belongs to a generation that still finds it hard to understand and accept transgender people, and this can be even more difficult when it involves your own child. I have no doubt that she loves you and wants the best for you, but it may take a little time for her to come to terms with something that is new and difficult for her to understand. You may need to take things slowly with her, but don't give up - and remember, you have the right to be the person you want to be, and no one can take this away from you.

There are lots of good suggestions in the responses above, and you can decide which ones are most likely to work for you and your mother. Good luck, and remember, we're all here for you.

*hugs*

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There are so many awesome posts here that have said everything I wanted to say but way better than I ever could have. So I shall just say that I hope we can be your support. If you ever need us, poke on back and post. There are a lot of people here who are also going through the process of coming out to family, and many others like myself who have already done so in the past. If there's anything else we can do for you, let us know.

:cake:

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