Need Advice

[Barrett]

Hi everyone,

So I am a 28 year old asexual in a polyamourous relationship with a bisexual woman in an open marriage. Here is the background. We met at work and hit it off immediately. She’s amazing. I have a good relationship with her spouse. Everything was pretty much smooth sailing until a couple of weeks ago.

So here is my question. Part of the reason that I was open to even letting myself fall in love with a situation that is fantastic, but definitely not/not complicated is because she couldn’t have kids. Her husband and her tried all the medical ways and natural ways for five years and nothing happened. Surprise, surprise, two weeks ago she found out she was pregnant. So that is fantastic news and I am beyond excited for her, not at all the issue.

Here is the issue, I am not good with kids. In addition to being ace, I’m also touch averse so me and kids don’t usually go too well together. They want me to be a co-parent/awesome aunt but I’m scared I’m going to screw it up cause I don’t do well with kids and they usually find me off putting, and once I screw it up, there’s no way our relationship continues. I love this woman. I want to be a part of her life for the rest of both of our lives, but I don’t know what to do moving forward. How do I have this conversation with a super hormonal pregnant woman? Do I wait until after the kid is born and then have the convo? Or do I start that process now? I’m really at a loss.

Do any of you have any suggestions? Books to read about kids? Etc?

[nerdperson777]

I can just see that you should be honest with her and say that you don't like kids all that much. Perhaps she'll ask for a compromise or something. I think if they're open enough to have an open relationship, they should be open enough to see how you feel and make a reasonable judgment based on it.

[Scottthespy]

Start the process now, but remain open to trying to be what these people want. I am in a situation with a few similarities. My dad's girlfriend's son has a wife and child. I call this adult son my brother-thing, making his wife my sister-in-law-thing and his son my nephew-thing. They are currently living with me and paying rent, as I own a large house that is empty with just me in it. Since I'm in the house, and the welfare of the kid is something I care about, I'm part of his life and helping raise him, despite never having wanted kids of my own, especially not toddlers. The thing is, you don't HAVE to be touchy feely with a kid as a third parent or 'aunt' character. You can get away with brief, little touches. Blow kisses instead of actually getting close, do highfives instead of hugs, ruffle his or her hair. Most of your communication can remain verbal, and if the kid is raised knowing not to get climby and touchy and huggy with you, they'll never question it.

If you start the conversation with these other two by saying something along the lines of: "I am so thrilled you two finally managed to get pregnant, and I'm honoured to be asked to be a major part of the baby's life, but theres a few guidelines we're going to have to discus." Let them know about your touch issues, but try to be willing to do little touches like high fives. Let them know how much and the ways in which you ARE willing to help. Things I do that helt the parents a lot are: distracting the kid when the parents are trying to cook or clean, by offering him toys to play with. Watching him while they go out for a smoke, to make sure he doesn't hurt himself or play with stuff he shouldn't. Remind him verbally of what he's supposed to be doing, telling him "dont touch" and "go play with your toys!". Playing with him by colouring at his little table and driving toy cars on his mat.

There are lots of ways to interact with a child without needing to touch them, so it shouldn't be difficult to figure out as they grow. The first year might be tricky, but if you talk with the parents and stay open and honest about what limitations you have, I'm sure the three of you can work out a way for you to be a big help as an aunt without making yourself uncomfortable.

For child rearing resources...the best idea I can offer is "Nanny 911" or "Super Nanny", but both of those shows, which you can see on youtube, are about dealing with out of control households, not normal ones. Still, they give good ideas for useful strategies that would work just as well with normal well behaved kids as they do with out of control monster kids.

[TruBluMOM]

Love Asexy Samuri's response, not sure I have much to add, but for what it's worth.... Long story short, the whole asexual thing is fairly new to me and I basically made many life choices based on sociatal norms, including getting married and having kids, despite not being a 'kid person' in addition to being asexual. I too have aversions to touch and I also have noise sensitivities and a general repulsion to all things "silly". My Myers-Briggs profile also destines me to be a lousy parent. All that said, my kids are amazing, and they are "mine", sensitive to my personality, while I am sensitive to their's. This is going to sound weird (because it is!) but my experience to a large extent with kid's (as well as with cats) is that they adapt into the circumstances in which they are placed. Kids are smart. While you may never be their "favorite", you may find that given the chance, that they will respect you, and care for you, because of who you "ARE", rather than dislike you for who you aren't. Knowing you in their formative years, may help them be more accepting of themselves or others like you, or me. Also, I am an intellectual analytic, and if nothing else, it can be fascinating to watch these young-uns develop into little people! Never having been close to a child prior to having my own, I was and am constantly amazed by the intelligence and depth of these children.

I realize that bonding with one's own child is different than bonding with someone else's child. Further, I realize that "adversion to children" is a spectrum, just like anything else and that we may be in very different places (though honestly, when I was 28, the idea of kids couldn't have been farther off my radar) but my point is just to concurr with what was already said. Be true to yourself. Explore establishing boundaries if that's your thing, but I would encourage you to also stay open to the idea that this child, is going to be like none other you have ever seen or met before. If you respect 'the ways' of the parents, and if you involve your authentic self, you may be really surprised to see how willing this child may be to accept you for who you are, and vice versa.

(All that said, in the sake of full disclosure, there are plenty of times my kids drive me absolutely nuts, and trip every annoyance trigger I have!)

[Maema]

I find this topic really helpful!

I am trying to navigate a relationship with a young man I love. we are waiting till marriage to have sex as we were both raised. But we have talked about it. As a little girl I didn't notice boys or fantizie about guys ( or girls - not for me) but I have always wanted to be a mother so I know I will need to have sex if I have children of my own (as I plan to foster children as well).

I'm unsure of how this part of the relationship will go but we have talked about me being asexual to any degree. But the fact that others can make it work gives me hope

Thank you!

[TruBluMOM]

Mama,

Off topic and probably TMI, but funny too. I really am a true analytic and a MicroSoft Excel geek to boot. When we decided it was time to have kids, I did research and created tracking spreadsheets and charts, etc. We knew we wanted winter babies, so we decided we wanted to conceive in the May- July time frame. I began to track everything I think beginning in January, and we tried to conceive for first time in May on the date my tracking said was optimal. 9 months later, baby 1 was born. 2 years later we repeated the cycle, but this time it didn't take on the first month, so we had to try again the next month at which time it did take. So in all seriousness, I had sex 3 times to conceive my 2 kids!.

[Barrett]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and suggestions. I really appreciate them. Specifically, thanks to @TRUBLUMOM, thank you for your comments. It is comforting to know that even though I don't have the desire to have kids, that a child is not going to run screaming for the hills simply because I am touch averse. :)

I agree that I need to talk to them both, and probably her in particularly, about the situation. Something that is on my to-do list for the weekend, so fingers crossed it all works out okay. :)