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how to initiate sex things since im an ace


Grayd Ace

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how can i initiate sex for my sexual boyfriend? i just never have a trigger inside to get that feeling. i love him to death and he initiates and i love it then, but i just dont know when or how to initiate with him. it will break us up and i dont want to lose him over this. Help!!!!

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It takes both people in the relationship to work through issues like these. It's not all on one person, therefore, it's not all on you. Are you okay with initiating sex? Is it really that important to your partner that you initiate? I'd have an open and honest discussion with my partner about this as that's really the best way to resolve this issue. My partner is okay that I don't initiate because they understand that it doesn't come natural to me and that's okay with them, however, that's me and my relationship, and you have to decide what works for you (and your partner) in your own relationship. I wish you the best as you figure it out!

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Here my tip: focus in lovers' things and the sex will come naturally. Dinner, dance, go out at night, everything that let you spare time with your partner.

In a sexually active couple, to engage in sex is more about the feeling to be together that about horniness.

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Telecaster68

focus in lovers' things and the sex will come naturally

You do know what site you're on, don't you?

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Talk to him about it. Communication is important in this kind of situation to make sure he understands that your lack of initiation isn't because you don't want or love him.

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I will say initiating it is hard. I've been married to a sexual man for almost 10 years and we have finally found what works for us (he initiates 100 percent of the time).

I'm not sure how old you are, but it will get easier as you get older. Just talk to him. If he wants to break up over this then he doesn't deserve you. :)

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Telecaster68

Maybe the underlying problem is him feeling desired, and to him, you initiating showing you want him and are attracted to him. If so, some kind of sexual behaviour towards him during the day - even if it's never going to turn into sex - will help: squeezing his ass when you're in the kitchen; touching his knee when you're sitting together, turning a 'goodbye' kiss into an open mouthed kiss, just for a second. It's teasing, so he has to know when he reciprocates later (like, in bed, you'll be open to sex). Otherwise he'll just get frustrated and pissed off, but that doesn't sound like it'll be a problem.

On actual initiation - mirror what he does when he initiates. If it's a cuddle turning into more sexual touching, do that. If it's a verbal suggestion of an 'early night', do that. If it's waking you up with touching and kissing, do that. Mirroring in general is a really good way to figure out what your lover enjoys.

But AceHrt is right - it shouldn't be a deal breaker. The fact you're trying, even if you mess up, should be enough for him to understand you're not just dismissing his needs. In sexual with sexual relationships, chances are both sides will initiate, though not necessarily equally. Those of us in 'mixed' relationships know that's not going to happen (at least, we do if we're not stupid and/or douchebags). We make allowances, and screwing up is fine. The effort counts. Action speak louder than words, though you might need some words to figure out what actions will work.

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In a sexually active couple, to engage in sex is more about the feeling to be together that about horniness.

I wonder about that..

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mirror what he does when he initiates

Pretty much this. Between mirroring and communication, there shouldn't be an issue...though you could always set a phone alarm too.

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[Aro/Ace Trigger] Bargain and Barter with "...if you want a bit of this, darling...then you've got to give me a bit of that, luv."

That's sure to work. Let me know how it goes... :ph34r:

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Sex advice now available on AVEN. Who knew ?

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Maybe the underlying problem is him feeling desired, and to him, you initiating showing you want him and are attracted to him. If so, some kind of sexual behaviour towards him during the day - even if it's never going to turn into sex - will help: squeezing his ass when you're in the kitchen; touching his knee when you're sitting together, turning a 'goodbye' kiss into an open mouthed kiss, just for a second. It's teasing, so he has to know when he reciprocates later (like, in bed, you'll be open to sex). Otherwise he'll just get frustrated and pissed off, but that doesn't sound like it'll be a problem.

On actual initiation - mirror what he does when he initiates. If it's a cuddle turning into more sexual touching, do that. If it's a verbal suggestion of an 'early night', do that. If it's waking you up with touching and kissing, do that. Mirroring in general is a really good way to figure out what your lover enjoys.

Apparently I spoke too soon. We just had the "I can't initiate everything" argument today. I'm really glad I have this to turn back to. He did say that he wanted to feel desired and touching helps. Telecaster, your suggestions are invaluable right about now. :)

Wish me luck.

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Here my tip: focus in lovers' things and the sex will come naturally. Dinner, dance, go out at night, everything that let you spare time with your partner.

In a sexually active couple, to engage in sex is more about the feeling to be together that about horniness.

My answer has been received with a bit of skepticism, so I wish to elaborate a little more.

In a sexual intercourse, the partners spend around half a hour to up to one night together. In this time, they talk, they touch each other, they sleep, and they have sex. The time spent in actual sex is about 15 minutes, top. Well, a young couple perhaps may do it more than one time, so let's say they dedicate 15 minutes for each sex intercourse.

All these activities implied trust and pleasure. With this in mind, if an asexual will wish to initiate a sexual intercourse in his/her relationship, he/she needs to engage in such activities, gets relaxed and enjoys the time. The sexual partner will recognize the welfare state as an opportunity to begin with the sex.

True, asexuals are not the most experimented people in sexual matters, but some of us have a bit of experience.

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My husband also likes it when I initiate sex. He likes feeling desired.

I've learned that I can't rely on that "internal trigger" to tell me that I want sex because it does exist. If I relied on that, I would never initiate sex. Instead, I ask myself if I feel like I'm up for sex - not do I want sex, but would I be okay having sex right now.

And when the answer to that is yes, then I initiate it, not because I want it but because I know he does. But we also start off slow because I never know if that idea of being okay having sex turns out to be limited. So we do kissing and touching. And if that's going well, then we do some rubbing. And if I'm feeling fine with that, then we go further. We take it in baby steps.

And if at any point, I feel like I'm not into it anymore, then I tell him I'm done. And that's the end of it. And he's very supportive of that. He tells me he'd rather have a little sex than nothing at all, or "a couple bites of cake is better than just staring at the cake and never getting to taste it." His words.

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My husband also likes it when I initiate sex. He likes feeling desired.

I've learned that I can't rely on that "internal trigger" to tell me that I want sex because it does exist. If I relied on that, I would never initiate sex. Instead, I ask myself if I feel like I'm up for sex - not do I want sex, but would I be okay having sex right now.

And when the answer to that is yes, then I initiate it, not because I want it but because I know he does. But we also start off slow because I never know if that idea of being okay having sex turns out to be limited. So we do kissing and touching. And if that's going well, then we do some rubbing. And if I'm feeling fine with that, then we go further. We take it in baby steps.

And if at any point, I feel like I'm not into it anymore, then I tell him I'm done. And that's the end of it. And he's very supportive of that. He tells me he'd rather have a little sex than nothing at all, or "a couple bites of cake is better than just staring at the cake and never getting to taste it." His words.

Does he like feeling sexually desired or desired in general? If you don't experience an "innate desire for partnered sex," then you don't experience it, and if he can't accept that about you, then it may be time to consider if this is the best or most compatible relationship for you.

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Autumn Season

Sorry beforehand for being ignorant. Is this about... convincing yourself emotionally to have sex? Or literally which actions you'd have to do? At first I thought you were talking about how you should physically move and that confused me. After all... is it difficult? I have more difficulty to NOT look as if I'm initiating something with a sexual partner.

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My husband also likes it when I initiate sex. He likes feeling desired.

I've learned that I can't rely on that "internal trigger" to tell me that I want sex because it does exist. If I relied on that, I would never initiate sex. Instead, I ask myself if I feel like I'm up for sex - not do I want sex, but would I be okay having sex right now.

And when the answer to that is yes, then I initiate it, not because I want it but because I know he does. But we also start off slow because I never know if that idea of being okay having sex turns out to be limited. So we do kissing and touching. And if that's going well, then we do some rubbing. And if I'm feeling fine with that, then we go further. We take it in baby steps.

And if at any point, I feel like I'm not into it anymore, then I tell him I'm done. And that's the end of it. And he's very supportive of that. He tells me he'd rather have a little sex than nothing at all, or "a couple bites of cake is better than just staring at the cake and never getting to taste it." His words.

Does he like feeling sexually desired or desired in general? If you don't experience an "innate desire for partnered sex," then you don't experience it, and if he can't accept that about you, then it may be time to consider if this is the best or most compatible relationship for you.

My husband likes it when I initiate sex. I don't believe I indicated that I am uncomfortable with this. Not sure why you felt the need to question my relationship.

Now my situation might not work for the OP but that's for them to decide.

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My husband also likes it when I initiate sex. He likes feeling desired.

I've learned that I can't rely on that "internal trigger" to tell me that I want sex because it does exist. If I relied on that, I would never initiate sex. Instead, I ask myself if I feel like I'm up for sex - not do I want sex, but would I be okay having sex right now.

And when the answer to that is yes, then I initiate it, not because I want it but because I know he does. But we also start off slow because I never know if that idea of being okay having sex turns out to be limited. So we do kissing and touching. And if that's going well, then we do some rubbing. And if I'm feeling fine with that, then we go further. We take it in baby steps.

And if at any point, I feel like I'm not into it anymore, then I tell him I'm done. And that's the end of it. And he's very supportive of that. He tells me he'd rather have a little sex than nothing at all, or "a couple bites of cake is better than just staring at the cake and never getting to taste it." His words.

Does he like feeling sexually desired or desired in general? If you don't experience an "innate desire for partnered sex," then you don't experience it, and if he can't accept that about you, then it may be time to consider if this is the best or most compatible relationship for you.

My husband likes it when I initiate sex. I don't believe I indicated that I am uncomfortable with this. Not sure why you felt the need to question my relationship.

Now my situation might not work for the OP but that's for them to decide.

I'm so sorry. You're right. I didn't mean to question your relationship. I actually thought you were the OP and I admit that I was really tired when I wrote that response and don't think I fully read or comprehended your initial comment. I actually think you gave pretty helpful advice. Again, very sorry. It's been a long and busy week for me. I probably need to recharge a bit in the future before getting on AVEN and making comments.

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My (sexual) boyfriend and I don't really do anything sexual for religious reasons, but the "initiation thing" has still come up regarding sensual things. My best advice would be to start small. My boyfriend really appreciates it if I initiate things as small as giving him a peck on the forehead, especially when I was less used to initiating. Slowly, step by step, I worked up to initiating making out while we're cuddling, and now that doesn't seem nearly as awkward as it used to. It's really fulfilling to see how much he appreciates my effort, and he does a great job of going out of his way to make me happy as well.

I don't know how much this applies to your situation, but good luck! I hope things work out for y'all :)

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I am so happy I stumbled across this. I've dated several sexual partners and have never felt desire to inciate sex. This hasn't beenalways been a major issue (although it has before), for various reasons, most of them unhealthy. I've been single for while now but have recently started dating again and memories of how my lack of intiating has me worried about my future relationships. So all the advice here has been very helpful. Although I'm nervous about talking with any future partner about my asexuality.

I have my own little bit of experience/advice to add. Before realizing I was ace, (amd the only time when my lack of intiating was handled in a mostly healthy way), I used to inciate without really inciating it if that makes sense. I'm highly sensual, and love to cuddle and make out. However, I noticed quickly that this was forplay for one particular boyfriend. So that became my version of inciating things. We didn't always have sex whenever we'd make-out, but through time and experience, I realized when I was willnig to go further and when I didn't feel like it and monitored how heavily I'd allow our make-out sessions to get.

We never talked about it, we were young, but through trial and error I learned when to allow heavy kissing and when not to. (Example: late at night when we're watching movies and on the couch; he'll expect us to have sex if I let us get to the heavy kissing stage.)

It wasn't so much that I found that "little switch" inside myself. It's more like I'd want cuddles and kissing and ask myself if I was willing to go further before inciating the cuddling and/or heavy kissing aspect of it. Also, this particular boyfriend didn't have an issue with my only wanting to cuddle or make out, so that played a huge role in why this worked. I don't think he minded so much that I didn't ask for sex, or at least he never seemed to. Although later on, he did point out that he was very patient with me and not every guy would be that patient. He was saying it to be hurtful, we had broken up, but in many ways he was right. He handled my lack of wanting sex better than any other guy I dated.

(Granted this was not a perfect system since we never talked about it, but it was the healthiest way I dealt it.)

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I'm so sorry. You're right. I didn't mean to question your relationship. I actually thought you were the OP and I admit that I was really tired when I wrote that response and don't think I fully read or comprehended your initial comment. I actually think you gave pretty helpful advice. Again, very sorry. It's been a long and busy week for me. I probably need to recharge a bit in the future before getting on AVEN and making comments.

lol. Okay, no hard feelings. I have to admit I was reading through the thread and was just like, "What? Where is this coming from?" I totally understand now.

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focus in lovers' things and the sex will come naturally

You do know what site you're on, don't you?

Had the same thought lol

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You guys give me hope, when at the moment, the light at the end of the tunnel is satan with a blow torch. I want to make my relationship work. Love this man to the moon and back.

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