Leaving asexual husband after 14 years

[Secret_Sense]

Hello,

I am 28 years old, sexual and I am about to leave my (possibly asexual) husband after a 14 year long relationship. Not only does he not know this right now, but it gets worse... I am leaving for someone else.

I just wanted this to be clear right away.

Bit of background:

I met my 5 year older husband when i was 14, he was my very first partner, certainly my first sexual encounter (we waited until i was 17 though). We moved in together when i turned 18 and we have been living together ever since. We married 4 years ago. I didnt have any experience but sex was very enjoyable, though never regular. About 6 years ago sex stopped completely. A bit later deep kissing stopped as well. We are intimate in the sense that we do cuddle and hug (Although now im putting a distance between us). This means i knew that before i decided to marry him (we did marry for tax reasons mainly as we both are not religious). At the beginning of this year we even bought an apartment together.

About my husband:

He is a very special person. He comes from a troubled family and has trust issues. He has no friends and no social surroundings. The only person aside from work he interacts with is me. That always made me feel special, but its also a lot of pressure. He used to be very instable in the sense that he couldnt keep a job or take responsibility for his life until i threatened to leave him, as i couldnt bear it anymore (about 7 years ago). He turned his life around and has been a good provider and partner since (I went to study and worked part time while he worked full time). He is very smart and good looking.

The sex part:

At the beginning of the decline i felt rejected. It ruined my self esteem. It took me a long time to realize no matter what i do it doesnt change anything. (I lost weight, started to try seducing techniques, different settings, long holidays, whatever i could come up with). With time every advance was countered by very cold and aggressive behaviour. I started to think he might be gay or pedophile (Yes im so sorry i know its stupid now!). He never identified himself as asexual or anything else. He still refuses to even talk about it. He just leaves immediately. I stopped asking 2 years ago. I started to masturbate (I never used to do this and at first was ashamed). I thought it was ok like this. I could deal with this because i love him and what we have is special.

The other guy:

For about 4 years i am part of a team of online gamers, playing every evening and chatting over teamspeak. I used to chat with one guy a lot more than the others but i didnt think of it as anything else than chatting with a nice guy. He lives in a different country and i never inquired about his partner status. This year i went on a business trip close to where he and others of the group live. Well. I had an affair with him. It was amazing and i dont regret it. I regret that eventually this will hurt my husband, but i cant regret waking up. I never knew sex could be this amazing and i dont think i can live without it anymore.

Now it would be great if this was all. Just sex. I could at least hope hed forgive me. But its not. I fell in love with him and he apparently has been in love with me for years, but didnt want to put me in a bad spot. When i came back home i lied. I hate it. But living with him i realized my feelings for him had changed as well. I dont want him even hugging anymore. I used to look at him and love him from the bottom of my heart. I still feel close to him, but i dont love him like a wife should love his husband anymore. I dont know why, if its the sex or if it was just a trigger. I want to make this as easy as possible for him. But the fact is the new guy and i have concrete plans for me to move together with him next year.

Another problem:

I am to some extent financially dependant. Im doing a PhD with a small income. He has the major income. It would be perfectly fine if we had not bought that apartment. If he leaves without a trace (which i deem likely) i will not be able to pay it off on my own. I will leave eventually. I want to tell him now, but if i wait till after christmas we will have a major tax refund, giving us both more freedom to finish things without us both being ruined.

I know pragmatic reasons are theoretically minor compared to betraying of his trust, but i cant help being scared of a crushing bank debt i can not pay off all on my own. I dont mind leaving the apartment and i am more than happy to help him with anything necassary. He has been my companion of many years and i want to end this in the best possible way (within the constraints of this situation).

I dont want to blame the sex part alone. I wish he had talked to me about whats going on, but it doesnt matter anymore. I dont resent him for it, but i cant keep going like this. I dont know how i should tell him. He is completely unsuspecting and thinks everything is great (he simply denies that i ever talked about sex to him so he doesnt see it as a problem).

The new guy is the only person i have ever told about my sexuality problems with husband

[Tarfeather]

Upon reading the title, I was ready to express full support in your decision, as I feel that those who really need sex in their life shouldn't make themselves unhappy unnecessarily.

But reading the actual post made me kind of go "wtf". Like, really?

First you threaten to leave this guy because you need him to "provide for you", i.e. allowing you to follow a higher education while he gets to work his ass off in a regular job. Then you cheat on him, both physically and emotionally. Then you don't tell him because it might put you into a bad spot, again, financially.

I'm sorry. I have no right to judge you. Maybe you have perfectly good reasons for that kind of behaviour. You'll know best. But I hope you understand that in and of itself, these actions are completely not okay.

[Minakie]

First you threaten to leave this guy because you need him to "provide for you", i.e. allowing you to follow a higher education while he gets to work his ass off in a regular job.

Not trying to be the devil's advocate here or anything, but that's not what I understood from what I read. What I understood is that she had been the one providing from him for a while and she threatened to leave him if he wouldn't start helping with the finances as well.

[Telecaster68]

Do you think he's actually asexual, or just has no libido, or fallen out of lust/love with you?

Nothing wrong with splitting up, if it's not working, but given he's paying (presumably) most of the mortgage and the loan was presumably based on his income, shouldn't it be you moving out? Since you're not contributing much anyhow, it won't crucify him half as much as you taking it would crucify you.

Sure, you'd have to find somewhere else to live, but that's the nature of splitting up when you're living with someone.

[Philip027]

Now it would be great if this was all. Just sex. I could at least hope hed forgive me. But its not. I fell in love with him and he apparently has been in love with me for years, but didnt want to put me in a bad spot.

For all the sexual folks who think aces shouldn't have any problem with them sleeping around because it's "just sex" and it isn't a big deal to us anyway, well, there you have it. We know better than that.

I don't really have anything else to say that Tar didn't already.

[Lia]

I want to tell him now, but if i wait till after christmas we will have a major tax refund, giving us both more freedom to finish things without us both being ruined.

Shouldn't he be a part of that decision? IDK. If it were me, I'd have a serious discussion with him, including finances. He should be part of making the decisions, especially as this is going to impact his entire life. I understand it will impact yours, too, but you've already made your decision.

[Guest]

^ This.. In my personal opinion which I'm only giving since I'm impertinently assuming that by posting this you want feedback you should tell him all and leave. For both your sakes - he deserves better than this.

[Tarfeather]

Now it would be great if this was all. Just sex. I could at least hope hed forgive me. But its not. I fell in love with him and he apparently has been in love with me for years, but didnt want to put me in a bad spot.

For all the sexual folks who think aces shouldn't have any problem with them sleeping around because it's "just sex" and it isn't a big deal to us anyway, well, there you have it. We know better than that.

Uhm.. You conclude that generalization because it's true for one person?

[Philip027]

Uhm.. You conclude that generalization because it's true for one person?

Are you trying to tell me this is an isolated incident that has surely never repeated itself anywhere else in history?

Simply put, the "it's just sex" argument isn't necessarily enough to convince us, and this here is a classic example as to why. I'm merely pointing out, to the sexuals that actually legitimately try to use this argument (and I know they exist, because it pops up on these very forums every now and then), this is exactly why asexuals may not be inclined to believe it. We're asexual, not stupid.

[Lia]

For some people, sex is just sex. But for many, the chemicals that your body produces and releases during sex and orgasm make it very difficult to separate sex from deeper feelings, especially if there is a deep friendship already in place or the sexual intercourse happens fairly often. It's not that a sexual partner of an asexual person thinks that the asexual partner is stupid, but the sexual partner truly believes that they can separate sex from deeper emotion. They don't take into account the hormones and the maybe buried feelings of inadequacy that having regular sex with one person while having an otherwise intimate relationship with a person who you want to be the one to make you feel those things that the "only-sex-partner" makes you feel, simply by having sex with you. Asexual people, I think, have a heightened sense of these things, because we don't feel them and "everyone else" (not really) does. We're the "weird" ones and so our "weirdness" is pointed out on a daily basis - we're very aware of what others think we "should" feel. Sexual people don't tend to think on that level.

There are some people, sexual and asexual, who can separate sex and an intimate relationship. But not everyone can and it often gets more and more difficult as time goes on.

[Mostly Peaceful Ryan]

I don't think anyone deserves to be cheated on, You should talk to your husband he deserves to know.

[zabz]

Are you kidding me?

So, uh, you and the guy you had an affair with have concrete plans, but you've decided you will wait until after Christmas to tell your husband that a very major part of his life -- not just yours -- is about to change forever, and very likely in a way that will be extremely hurtful and damaging to him. Way to put your 1 night stand above your relationship of 14 years.

You say your husband has trust issues already, well his wife running off with another guy because the sex is amazing is hardly going to help, whether your husband is asexual or not. Especially as it sounds like it's going to come out of nowhere for him. Then you say you don't regret the affair, and your main concern about splitting up appears to be the money aspect. The fact you're more worried about debt than about potentially destroying someone you once loved is pretty damn telling

Sorry, but that's appalling. He deserves a lot better than that.

[Chikane-Chan]

Well this is a thread that seems...i dont even have words for it.

So ill try filter the raw indignation that is in my brain right.

Well speaking as somebody that just went through a divorce with my wife who i cared for deeply but was unable to keep happy due to differences that emerged during our time together. Sure we wernt together for 14 years but she ended up being the only real friend i had after moving to argentina, so seeing the way your handling it is causing a pretty sour taste in my mouth.

Look everybody is entitled to leave if your not happy and fulfilled BUT it should be handled with respect and truth. NOT hidden away because of financial worries.

Yeah thats a risk but your uprooting and about to tear a massive hole in somebodies life the least you can do is be bloody open about it and not just drop a bomb on him like that.

Honestly youve made up your mind and more power to you but your making decisions that affect 2 people in a way will leave wounds that take months if not years to even begin to heal and yet your biggest concern is only to do it after you've gained from the legal aspect of your marriage(tax returns) really really poor taste.

so tl;dr
Be happy and what not but seriously bad bad bad way of dealing with it.

[Secret_Sense]

Hm. Ok. First things first. I threathened to leave him in earlier times because i was working while going to school and he lived with me without a job living from my already small income. But like i said he turned it around.

I didnt use the argument that its just sex so he shouldnt care at all. On the contrary. However since in any case it was not just sexual but also emotional betrayal, as well put by some of you, theres no point in even trying to argue that and i dont want to reduce our problems on the sex.

I know what i did is not right. I thought i made that clear enough. If not sorry. Telling him now would not only lead in my own downfall. He is not a stable, responsible person i can share burdens with. If i tell him now without a way to clear the financial situation fairly for both of us, it might ruin him as well. Since we moved in together he has had no interest in paying bills or how things work, so i did that part alone.

I wish i could trust that hes responsible enough to take the truth and not abandon all responsibilities, including the financial ones. That would make dealing with this much easier.

I understand that this behaviour will leave an emotional scar, but the debt is in both our names and if he cant handle the pressure and looses his job or wont pay his share, HE will also be in serious debt and he will defo not take care of it. So i can find a way to sort it out before that happens its not only for my own safety.

And no i dont know whats up with his sexuality. I wish hed tell me. I could have dealt with most things, but he is in complete denial. Like i said if the topic comes up he becomes very aggressive or leaves the place without another word.

I guess the judgement here is fair enough and I will accept it. It is good to see someone take his side, as he has no friends or family to speak for him and mine obviously wants my best. I got some angles to think about now.

[Star Bit]

Judging by his silent reaction to talking about sex, it sounds like he's in denial about his asexuality (if he is asexual). He doesn't want to be different on such a major relationship point (he's already socially different) and probably feels shame by it. Who knows how long it could take him to snap out of denial/shame, but it's something he hast to admit on his own so don't be too pushy about it. I would suggest therapy for both his assumably strong trust issues and hatred of his sexuality, but it can be hard to find an Ace accepting therapist. I hear there's a better chance with LGBT therapists, so i would still suggest trying. I highly suggest giving him hope in the fact that there's AVEN, a meet up section on here, and asexual dating sites.

(btw, sex can produce the highest amount of oxytocin; the bonding hormone, and some peoples bodies can't produce it to that level any other way, so that may be why your bond with him has left.) Also, how long would it be between you telling him of the affair/moving out and actually moving out? I would think a period for him to adjust to it and you not leaving abruptly would be best. Though you know him, so perhaps abruptly could be best, idk. I know things would be awkward but it seems the best option for his mental health, which doesn't seem the greatest to start with.

[Telecaster68]

Might be ED, premature ejaculation, and he's embarrassed about it, hence the denial. Let's not assume everything's a nail just because the site supports hammers...

[Guest]

Secret Sense... I completely understand your position and I don't think you should regret the affair. Sometimes we need to be shaken awake, and while an affair is a mistake, we all make mistakes every day of our lives, so the over the top judgments in this thread strike me as a bit obnoxious, self-righteous and fear-based. And yes, I've been cheated on... my ex of 8 years had an affair with a guy, decided she was straight and left me on Christmas. The only part that hurt me was that she didn't talk to me about leaving before she left. I agree with everyone else that you need to include your husband in the decision making process, but then, it's easier said than done. My guess is that you, in part anyway, made concrete plans with this guy because that will "force" you to do what you need to do with your husband. From my experience, things don't always work out that way, leaving you in a bigger predicament. Anyway, I've not managed to talk to my partner yet, so trust me, I get how hard it is. You've set your date as tax return season - this makes sense to me... the holidays are a horrible time for break ups, and this way you'll have cash so that more options will be available... my only advice is that you talk to him by your deadline. Period. No excuses, no pushing back.

[Philip027]

I didnt use the argument that its just sex so he shouldnt care at all. On the contrary. However since in any case it was not just sexual but also emotional betrayal, as well put by some of you, theres no point in even trying to argue that and i dont want to reduce our problems on the sex.

I know you weren't doing that; I just know several people on these boards have, and your situation is a textbook example for why some asexuals can think that argument is hogwash. A number of them have had done to them what you are doing right now to your husband. Why should they trust the sexuals that make that argument?

and while an affair is a mistake, we all make mistakes every day of our lives,

1) I can think of many days of my life where I've been nothing but a perfect angel

2) Even on the days where I have made mistakes, they usually didn't lead to shattering anyone else's life

[Guest]

The affair is regrettable, but ya know, it happened and it made you decide to leave. I can't say I agree with it, but it happened and no use harping about it now. But, I do highly dislike the fact you're just going to drop this bombshell on him and take off, while you've had MONTHS to plan a new place to live, etc and he is left scrambling to get his life in order in a very short amount of time. That's really not fair. He needs to at least know separation is on the table for you as an option, so he knows to make some plans and it's not just out of the blue. This is going to upend his life completely as well. Financially, emotionally, physically and mentally. Give the guy some time to at least prepare a little bit. Even if you don't tell him about the affair (which, I support total honesty, so I would recommend...), at least let him know things aren't exactly working out for you like you would like and it's a possibility. That way he doesn't keep planning everything around you two together and shared finances.

[Nidwin]

It's a shitty situation you're in but you have to free yourself. There's no magic solution and if he's as unstable and unreliable as I suspect he is, through what you wrote about him, there's not much you can do to help him out. I'm not convinced that telling him everyhing asap is the right thing to do neither. It'll be up to you to evaluate the situation.

As for cheating and it being not right, it goes actually both ways. You have been denied something, sex, for a long time, without any reason to see it coming back as he doesn't even want to talk about it. It's still ugly, in a sense, but what do peeps actually expect. Fools believe in angels.

Take care and I wish you strenght and good luck, you're going to need both before it's all behind you.

[Philip027]

As for cheating and it being not right, it goes actually both ways. You have been denied something, sex, for a long time, without any reason to see it coming back as he doesn't even want to talk about it.

Did you seriously just compare a withdrawal from the subject of sex to infidelity?

I don't even

[Tarfeather]

I completely understand your position and I don't think you should regret the affair.

I actually disagree on both accounts. I doubt you could "completely understand her position" just from those two posts, and I don't think you have nearly enough information to judge whether she should regret it or not.

so the over the top judgments in this thread strike me as a bit obnoxious, self-righteous and fear-based.

Ugh.. I wish some of those people who left a "like" on my post would have taken the "I have no right to judge" part a bit more seriously..

Hm. Ok. First things first. I threathened to leave him in earlier times because i was working while going to school and he lived with me without a job living from my already small income. But like i said he turned it around.

Okay, that makes sense.

I didnt use the argument that its just sex so he shouldnt care at all. On the contrary. However since in any case it was not just sexual but also emotional betrayal, as well put by some of you, theres no point in even trying to argue that and i dont want to reduce our problems on the sex.

Well said.

Telling him now would not only lead in my own downfall. He is not a stable, responsible person i can share burdens with. If i tell him now without a way to clear the financial situation fairly for both of us, it might ruin him as well. Since we moved in together he has had no interest in paying bills or how things work, so i did that part alone.

I wish i could trust that hes responsible enough to take the truth and not abandon all responsibilities, including the financial ones. That would make dealing with this much easier.

Yeah, that's what I mean by "Maybe you have perfectly good reasons for that kind of behaviour.". We can't really work with you if you don't share those details, they're kind of important to the situation at hand.

I guess the judgement here is fair enough and I will accept it. It is good to see someone take his side, as he has no friends or family to speak for him and mine obviously wants my best.

Nobody here is taking his side, unfortunately. We can't do that. We can't support him, especially since it's you coming here, not him.

He reminds me a bit of my partner, actually. My partner is in her mid-twenties, but she's never really grown up. She still does whatever she pleases without regard to finances and expects her parents to take care of all such problems. I find that to be a really difficult situation, because obviously on the one hand you want to help your partner, on the other hand you don't want to encourage them in never taking responsibility for themselves.

I still can't find any advice for you. If you're not happy in your current situation, you have of course every right to get out of there. And it's understandable that if you can't talk to him about serious issues, you don't want to do anything rash. It just sounds pretty.. sad to me that you're at that point to begin with. I notice you blame him for the communications breakdown a lot, but it seems possible that you also were not empathetic and understanding enough to make him want to communicate. At this point, it's of course all moot considerations. It sounds to me like you're at a point of no return where things both of you did wrong for many years are going to end your relationship. That sucks, but from the perspective you've given us, there's nothing that can be done about it.

[Nidwin]

Philip027

Not quoting fully someone puts often stuff out of context and I didn't compare anything. I just wrote that one action is, in some way, the result of no action at all from the other side. I also wrote that it was still ugly, but shitt happens and especially infidelity.

[Philip027]

I just wrote that one action is, in some way, the result of no action at all from the other side.

Uhh, no. You're attempting to justify cheating, it's not okay, full stop.

You want to end a relationship, you do it responsibly like an adult (which the OP presumably is, so there isn't any excuse there). The whole "behind your back" thing is not justifiable.

I also wrote that it was still ugly, but shitt happens and especially infidelity.

Shit does indeed happen but that's no excuse to just grasp at any lame explanation you can for letting it slide.

[Guest]

People cheat. Most people, in fact, cheat at some point. I personally believe it makes more sense to assume everyone will cheat, much like it makes sense to assume everyone will lie to you. Personally, having been dumped because my partner found someone else wasn't any worse than being dumped because she wanted to, but hadn't yet, found someone else. At the end of the day it just doesn't matter how a person gets out of a relationship... what matters is whether or not they get out of it.

[Philip027]

Still doesn't make cheating (or lying) okay.

And to some people, it does matter how they (or the other person) exit a relationship.

My second relationship technically ended when the other person cheated on me, but she was upfront with me about it and therefore we were able to remain friends, no hard feelings. The one I had after that ended because the other person led me to believe things were okay until dropping a bombshell on me that basically amounted to her seeming to think I didn't care, and then broke off contact with me for a few months to let me stew on it. Let's just say, I handled that much worse. Sure, I didn't talk about it in that thread specifically, but it was partly that event that left me in the mindset that was able to make that thread.

[Guest]

So... your anecdotal evidence is that when you were cheated on it hurt less than when you were ghosted.

Yeah, that lines up pretty close to exactly with what I originally said. Cheating isn't the end of the world, but not talking to your partner about it could feel like it is.

[Philip027]

The point was more how you said it doesn't matter how someone leaves a relationship, but that to some people (like me), it does.

Cheating still isn't okay. My second partner knew that and she felt guilty about it for a long time afterward. Maybe it's something you take for granted and have therefore more easily come to accept, but I know I'm not like the "most people" you describe and because of that I don't think I will ever really understand what compels people to do it in the first place.

[Sally]

, but shitt happens and especially infidelity.

Shit like infidelity doesn't just "happen"; someone does it. It's an action carried out by a person.

[Tarfeather]

Let's be real, a total communications breakdown is a worse problem than cheating. If my partner who I tell everything honestly and who (as far as I'm aware) tells me everything honestly suddenly had an affair and didn't tell me anything about it, that would be a huge breach of trust. But if I had a relationship where there's no longer even a pretense of talking problems out and being honest to each other, then cheating honestly isn't such a huge "drop" in trust and communication. Those things already had been absent prior, the cheating at most is a confirmation of that being the case, it's not what destroyed the relationship to begin with.

That's not to say I approve of cheating, it's more to say I disapprove of allowing communication to break down to that point at least as much.