My Mother is Disappointed that I'm Asexual

[Duck_Duck]

Both my Mother and my Father have expressed their want of me to get married and have children more than once, and have said that they only want me 'to be happy and have a full life' whenever I express that I want neither of these things. Today, when I was the only one attending visitation with my Mother (my parents are split up, and my siblings and I aren't required to visit our Mother if we don't want to), I told her that I was asexual. Being the first person in my family to become aware of this knowledge, I was feeling apprehension over how the news might go, and it bombed. Horribly. She just continuously repeated, "No, no, you're a normal girl, there would be nothing like that wrong in you", and "I just want you to be happy, don't worry you'll grow out of this, it can take some time for some people", and at one point, "I'm really disappointed to hear that. I just want you to be happy."

This has made me grow very uneasy at the prospect of telling other family members, especially my two older brothers and father, and a little bit with my younger sister, given my older brother thinks that asexuality is complete bullsh*t, my younger sister wouldn't understand what I was talking about it and think I was messed up, and my father would probably have a similar reaction to my mother, if not worse (I'm not sure about my eldest brother, given I don't know his stance on asexuality, but I would think that it would go along the same route as my older brother, if not even more extreme). The only relative that I would think would have the least negative reaction is my Grandmother, given we've had conversations on asexuality, though she thinks that 16 (my age) is too young to be aware about whether or not a person is asexual, and would most likely tell me to try to explore a little before concluding that I'm asexual.

I've been feeling an increasing amount of isolation in my family due to feeling out of place because of my asexuality, and though my family are a fairly liberal-minded group, my coming-out to my mother has got me thinking about whether or not it would be healthy for my relationship with my different family members, direct and indirect, to know that I'm asexual, and it has definitely gotten me more afraid of any of them finding out, and what would happen between them and me if any of them found out. I'm just curious if anybody has any advice for me, and what I could do in this sort of situation, and/or if anybody else has had an experience like this and how you coped with a family member rejecting this part of you.

[Asexy Smith]

I'm sorry that your mother reacted that way. I'm frequently amazed at just how taboo something as harmless as asexuality can be to family members. I was spared the "I just want grandkids" thing myself, as my older sister had already provided them by the time my mother realized I wasn't "normal". It's possible your mother will come around if one of your siblings does the same, I suppose.

As for the rest of your family, don't feel ashamed if you want to keep your asexuality to yourself. I feel it's kind of silly, the idea that we should be obligated to share info on what things we're not interested in. I think as you pursue your own goals and life without showing any interest in sharing it with a partner, they'll get the hint one way or another. People often think, annoyingly, that asexuality is "just a phase" and that people who declare themselves such will "get over it". Perhaps the only way to really show these people that they're wrong is through your actions.

[oldme]

I'm sorry to hear it didn't go smoothly. I'm not sure if this is a good advice, but anyway..

Leaving asexuality out of the discussions is an option for the time being if you think it'll cause more problems than it solves. You could start by trying to explain that their view of happiness isn't the same as what you want for your life and they should not force their ideals on you(if you haven't already). Even when they think you're missing out on something, that doesn't mean that you feel the same way. People are different and have different goals. Worth pointing out even when it should be obvious.

It's what I said to my aunts who we're insisting about the "grandkids thing" before. I did it without coming out as asexual and luckily they haven't bothered me about it since.

[Morning Glory]

I agree with Hyena. I feel that this sort of thing needs time.

At this point, your family knows you and accepts you for who you are, yes? Then just be yourself and do what you feel is right for you. Don't even think about coming-out if the thought scares and upsets you. Eventually, as you get older, your family will surely start to see this side of you without you having to tell them.

I was fortunate, in that I was already an adult when I discovered my asexuality, so my family and friends knew where I stood in terms of physical relationships. So when I came out, they might not have been thrilled, but it was less of a shock since I was just putting a name to something they already knew about me. They had already accepted this part of me (more or less), so it was easier.

I'm sorry you had such an experience with your mother. My mother also said something along the lines of "growing out of it". It sounds like she loves you very much and you coming out didn't change that. Remember, that even if she didn't accept your asexuality, she still loves you and cares for you. I'm sure that since she loves you so much, that in time she will eventually accept your asexuality. It is, after all, a part of who you are.

In short, my advice to you is: don't worry or stress too much about this and just enjoy your life. Whatever happens, will happen. And family will always stay family. I'm not really an expert, and I haven't been an Ace for long, nor do I have a whole lot of experience. But I hope what I've said has helped you in some way.

[Morning Glory]

Oh! I almost forgot to mention...

You could try telling your mother that you being asexual won't stop you from having a relationship or a family or happiness. I told my mother that and it made my coming-out so much smoother. Asexuality might be your sexuality, but it's not some abnormality that would stop you from any of that.

Best of luck to you Duck. Stay strong. (Now I better figure out how to start giving out cake...)

[Frigid Pink]

I'm sorry that you've had such an unpleasant experience.

I highly recommend this:

[SithLord]

^ That video, exactly that. I was totally just about to link to that but don't need to now! Thanks Frigid Pink!

At least asexuality doesn't normally lead to being disowned and kicked out.

[Touchofinsight]

Your mom's just in denial. Its a pretty natural reaction and she obviously has had some assumptions of you that you now have shattered. Visions that she invested in emotionally and now is upset because shes made a whole bunch of new assumptions based on her own world view and limited knowledge on the subject. (Having a family, getting married, having grandchildren etc). Once you feel comfortable talking to her again you should explain what asexuality MEANS TO YOU.

This is not a time for a lecture or an education in asexuality etc. This is your time to tell her about how your asexualness affects your life but it would be ill advised to assume anyone is going to make changes or accommodations for you (what ever those may be).

Clearly your mother is an important figure in your life and I am assuming a decent human being because you haven't cut her out from your life and you wanted to tell her these important revelations/life experiences about your self. Make sure she knows that too but shes going to have process this on her own time line.

[Star Bit]

Honestly, it's your life, not theirs, and they need to realize that. It seems so many parents think of their children as a second life for themselves; living through their successes and not viewing their children as actual people (or at least not fully).

[Minakie]

I'm afraid I can't give you any good advice. I'm 24, I was 23 when I told my mother and she still had the same reactions your mom did (including assuming I'm "too young too know" and this is "just a phase" as a result), it's like their twins. I'm guessing it's a pretty common reaction these days.

Personally, I'm giving it some time before I even bring up the subject again. I'll give my mom some time to "process" the information before trying to explain exactly what asexuality is and what it is not. I'm also not coming out to any other family members unless they ask me directly (my gran did and there's a rumor my aunt wants to do so as well).

But honestly, I'm not really looking forward to having that conversation again. I don't wanna have sex, I don't wanna get married (at least not in a church, I'm not catholic) and I don't wanna have kids (unless they're adopted). Those topics right there would screw up the chances of my mom getting it even more, 'cause she also thinks that getting married and having kids is the way to happiness. Oh well.

[bluetrench]

I'm sorry that your mom said she's disappointed. The next time you talk to her, I would suggest emphasizing 2 things:

1. Wearing a label doesn't change who you are. You have always been asexual. Now you just have a word to describe how you feel.

2. She said multiple times that she just wants you to be happy. Explain to her what *would* make you happy -- whether it's a relationship or no relationship (if you're aro). Try to explain that being asexual doesn't restrict you from being happy -- but just that you might have different things that make you happy than most people do.