Unhappy ace

[ufolules]

So.. I'm a grey-A. I'm homoromantic, but kinda grey/Demi/aro there too.

First of all I'm really really sorry if this is out of place or annoying/insulting etc to anyone. I identify with this whole website and it's so nice to know I'm not broken!!

But. I'm really annoyed and unhappy and low about my asexuality.. I want a "normal" relationship and I want to feel all the feelings that other people do. I hate that I don't feel feelings and that I've missed out on so much.

When it comes to new relationships, I freak out because you shouldn't get into a relationship with someone you don't have feelings for, but I don't have feelings for ANYONE! Except 1 person in my life, too late, and maybe romantically another 1 who was in a relationship so off the cards anyway. I'm 26!

QUESTION! If I want a relationship, do I just wait or try my luck with people I like but I'm not totally attracted to? I want a normal, sexualish relationship, that's what my stupid heart wants. I want to feel attraction more and feel feelings..

Any words of wisdom? Thank you so much for reading and for any help/support x

[chromanebula]

So, if I understand correctly, you want a relationship but don't have feelings for anyone in particular. I have two pieces of advice for you.

One, look at who might be attracted to you. They would be motivated to make the relationship work, which would mean less work for you. You can't make feelings happen, but sometimes they will progress after you've gotten to know a person and discovered how wonderful they are.

Two, take advantage of platonic relationships. Just as blind people tend to have better hearing and touch, aromantic-spectrum people tend to have stronger platonic feelings. Try to nurture those. Maybe you can get from a platonic relationship what you're looking for from a "traditional" one--and it will be authentic!

Remember that you don't have to follow tradition to have a successful, happy relationship. Interracial couples were "breaking the rules" 50 years ago. Couples in which the wife was the breadwinner and the husband stayed home were "breaking the rules" 25 years ago. Same-sex couples to some extent still are "breaking the rules". All of them only added to, not subtracted from, the idea of a healthy relationship. So don't be afraid to chart new waters!

[ufolules]

Thank you :) you understood correctly, and that makes sense. It takes me a ridiculous amount of time to develop any feelings. Also I've really been working on my platonic relationships lately anyway so that's a big plus out of all this :)

[scarletlatitude]

Moving to the Asexual relationships forum

scarletlatitude

Grey Area mod

[Chardog]

I'm 35 and did not realize about my ace/gender issues until after I was 30.. You can't and won't be able to make yourself feel feelings that just aren't there. Tried that for most of my life... Didn't work.

While taking on a relationship where someone is interested in you and seeing if feelings develop down the road is a good idea, you need to make sure that you don't put 100% of the relationship maintenance on the other person. Take the time to get to know them and try to find ways to fit their interests into your life- the feelings will either develop or they won't.

[MacAran]

There are two major philosophies I've seen around dating. One is to date someone you already have a close emotional bond with. Although it isn't exactly what I mean, it's reasonably well encapsulated in what Chromanebula said above. The other is to date people you think you might be interested in, in the hope of developing a bond with them. Each approach has its upsides and downsides. You've got to find the one that works for you. Personally, I have a hard time with the second approach (I've tried it, it doesn't fit me well) but it might work out for you. The two big pitfalls there, if it's something you decide to try, are as pointed out above, making the other person put in all the emotional effort to maintain the relationship, and 2 hanging on to the relationship when it clearly (to you at least) isn't going anywhere. The first of those is a difficult balance for everyone, but especially for those with Aromantic leanings. The second... well, I've no grounds to give advise on the second. I still haven't learned how to not make that mistake myself.