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Accidentally dating?


Calamity Jim

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Calamity Jim

A long time ago I dated someone for 2 years without realizing that we were two asexuals dating, which is why there was no love touching. So I know that accidentally dating someone is something I can do.

Now I currenlt have a friend who is a demi-sexual and is in a long term serious relationship with her non-binary partner. We've joked about how we are 'secretly dating' in front of her partner, and I've made jokes about dating the both of them.

However...

Apparently she is polyamorous. So we might not be secretly dating but actually dating but it doesn't read as dating because we're both ace so fuzzy love touches don't factor into it. And I'd hash it out with her and her partner but they are really depressed and she and I are worried that mentioning it at this point would be seen as a form of rejection. Plus I am doing things with the both of them and I like her partner so we try to hang out one on one. All three of us go out to dinner and see movies and things.

And she and I aren't sure we are really-dating or joke-dating or even not-dating because when it is ace it is REALLY HARD TO TELL. And because it is hard to tell I don't know how to just not date her. And we laugh slightly hysterically everytime we talk about it because she just figured out she's demi and didn't realize that accidental dating can happen until I told her my history.

Advice? Insight?

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I am aromantic, so my take on this may be irrelevant, but...how can you be accidentally dating some one? Unless one side thinks you're dating when the other didn't intend to be.

The way I see it, you're dating if you intend to be dating, and you're friends if you intend to be friends. Your behaviour, in this case, doesn't have to matter as much as what you decide to call it. You can talk to your maybe-date and decide that you're just very good friends who are supper comfortable and touchy feely, if that's what's easiest for everyone involved. You could be a three way partnership with both of these people, if every one was happy with that. This kind of thing requires communication, but you don't have to change your behaviours at all, just decide on what to call the relationship or relationships. Pick whatever words make every one the most comfortable, and go with that.

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Calamity Jim

I'm romantic, so there is an underlying emotional intimacy that happens when I date vs when I hang out. The problem is that it isn't punctuated by the need to be sexual so there is no "And now I need to kiss to prove my love!" so the vibe on my end forms without the other person necessarily having to be aware of it. So I date people without telling them we're dating? (It's something I'm working on)

Therefore I do have an emotional need that needs to be met by acknowledging the relationship.

That being said, if I can work this it will be perfect. All the benefits of dating with no expectations of sex because that need is being filled in a safe way.

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It takes two to tango, and at least two to date, from what I understand. I haven't had any romantic relationships of my own, but I've watched plenty of my friends, and seen what works and what doesn't. Communication is always key. I strongly recommend talking this out with both parties, at the same time if possible, and at LEAST with the polyamorous person, to determine what you will be calling this relationship. It sounds like something that falls between the cracks, something that maybe doesn't even need to be labeled. But from the situation you describe, I get the sense that not having a clear label for it is causing some distress to you and possibly this polyamorous friend, and even the non-binary friend. Talking it out and settling on a "what do we call this" without having to actually change anything might relieve that distress.

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I'm romantic, so there is an underlying emotional intimacy that happens when I date vs when I hang out. The problem is that it isn't punctuated by the need to be sexual so there is no "And now I need to kiss to prove my love!"

"Asexual" people don't necessarily kiss to prove love and can kiss as expression of feelings for the other person or because they like it. I view a kiss as a more sensual and romantic activity than a sexual one, although I'm sure it really depends on where the "kiss" is given and whether or not it's done for sexual release.

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As a mostly alloromantic, so I also don't get how one can be confused on if they are dating or not. It's about feelings. I don't feel the same for the people I am dating and the people are am close friends with. It's a different kind of love, if you will. I care for my best friend just as deeply as any boy/girlfriends I've had, but it's not the same feeling. My romantic feels are different than my platonic feelings and neither are influenced by my asexuality.

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I had this one not-quite-ex. I say not-quite, because we were taking all the actions that were indicative of dating, but we were also agreed that there was no romantic relationship between us. And this is interesting because I know that not-quite-ex did have romantic feelings for me at the time...and it was still not a dating relationship...and we ended up in it without quite realising what we were doing.

The result in this case is that we were not dating, never were dating, because that's the decision we agreed on. So, you're dating if you agree that you are, and you're not dating if you agree that you're not dating. That's my take on it.

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As a mostly alloromantic, so I also don't get how one can be confused on if they are dating or not. It's about feelings. I don't feel the same for the people I am dating and the people are am close friends with. It's a different kind of love, if you will. I care for my best friend just as deeply as any boy/girlfriends I've had, but it's not the same feeling. My romantic feels are different than my platonic feelings and neither are influenced by my asexuality.

How you feel about a person tells you if you WANT to be dating them, not if you ARE dating them. If you have romantic feelings for some one, but they don't reciprocate, or they don't know you have said feelings, or, as in the good old highschool movie trope, "they don't even know you exist", then you aren't dating them. This OP knows the FEELINGS are those that would indicate a desire for a romantic relationship, but due to the relationship status and other emotional and situational issues between the three involved individuals, the OP doesn't know if they should be calling what they have a romantic relationship. Even if feelings are mutual, which at this point is not fully clear, they could still decide to be 'not dating' for the sake of the other dedicated romantic relationship.

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As a mostly alloromantic, so I also don't get how one can be confused on if they are dating or not. It's about feelings. I don't feel the same for the people I am dating and the people are am close friends with. It's a different kind of love, if you will. I care for my best friend just as deeply as any boy/girlfriends I've had, but it's not the same feeling. My romantic feels are different than my platonic feelings and neither are influenced by my asexuality.

How you feel about a person tells you if you WANT to be dating them, not if you ARE dating them. If you have romantic feelings for some one, but they don't reciprocate, or they don't know you have said feelings, or, as in the good old highschool movie trope, "they don't even know you exist", then you aren't dating them. This OP knows the FEELINGS are those that would indicate a desire for a romantic relationship, but due to the relationship status and other emotional and situational issues between the three involved individuals, the OP doesn't know if they should be calling what they have a romantic relationship. Even if feelings are mutual, which at this point is not fully clear, they could still decide to be 'not dating' for the sake of the other dedicated romantic relationship.

OK, that makes a bit more sense. What I got when reading it though was they didn't know if their feelings and actions indicated dating, as opposed to other factors.

My thoughts; if you haven't discussed it and decided that yes, you are dating, than no, you are not dating.

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Calamity Jim

So feelings are definitely mutual. That much has been discussed.

And we used to joke about our epic secret love before realizing that it wasn't a joke. It's not like either of us were seeking a romantic relationship with each other. She's taken and I'm a misanthrope.

And I know the relationship on my end is romantic because I'm discovery that I have very different boundaries for my bestest friends in the whole wide world and people I am romantically interested in. And this is where the trouble lay.

A lot of people on here are "How can you accidentally date. The relationship is defined by what you call it." That isn't exactly true. We can see this in allosexual media.

Take the friends with benefits scenario. Two people are friends with sexual privilege. Then they start doing things together. Then those things get stereotypically romantic. Then they freak out because they aren't and haven't been friends for a long time and neither of them were looking for this level of commitment and what a world.

I am pretty sure this is the ace version of this.

And I'm kinda freaked out because if her partner says no it is going to suck. And if the partner says yes I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING. I am from rural hick prairie Canada. My graduating class was 18 kids and I was one of them. I don't know how to poly. I barely know how to homo.

*head desk*

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It's not about knowing, it's about winging it. If you find yourself in a relationship that you enjoy, everything should come natural. If it doesn't, just ask her. She's polyamorous herself, she would surely know.

As a monogamous person, I've also found Poly in Pictures a great learning resource about polyamory in general. Even if learning is not your intent, it's still a fun, witty read. :)

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Answering up here because it won't let me below the quote.

But even in that scenario, they aren't dating until they both decide they are. Doesn't matter if they have been doing romantic things, they aren't dating until they both have the freak out over the feelings they now have and how they want to date/be exclusive. It doesn't matter if they both had stopped seeing other people and are acting like a couple, until the recognition of them dating happens on both ends, they are still just friends with benefits.

Take the friends with benefits scenario. Two people are friends with sexual privilege. Then they start doing things together. Then those things get stereotypically romantic. Then they freak out because they aren't and haven't been friends for a long time and neither of them were looking for this level of commitment and what a world.

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So feelings are definitely mutual. That much has been discussed.

And we used to joke about our epic secret love before realizing that it wasn't a joke. It's not like either of us were seeking a romantic relationship with each other. She's taken and I'm a misanthrope.

And I know the relationship on my end is romantic because I'm discovery that I have very different boundaries for my bestest friends in the whole wide world and people I am romantically interested in. And this is where the trouble lay.

A lot of people on here are "How can you accidentally date. The relationship is defined by what you call it." That isn't exactly true. We can see this in allosexual media.

Take the friends with benefits scenario. Two people are friends with sexual privilege. Then they start doing things together. Then those things get stereotypically romantic. Then they freak out because they aren't and haven't been friends for a long time and neither of them were looking for this level of commitment and what a world.

I am pretty sure this is the ace version of this.

And I'm kinda freaked out because if her partner says no it is going to suck. And if the partner says yes I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING. I am from rural hick prairie Canada. My graduating class was 18 kids and I was one of them. I don't know how to poly. I barely know how to homo.

*head desk*

OK, now on to the worry about the other person involved. It sounds like there's a lot going on in their life at the moment. I think I'd wait to bring up adding you to the relationship in that way. Even if nothing really changes besides how you label the relationship, I still would wait until their live isn't so hectic. If you do decide to persue it now, that's fine, but be prepared in case they are still dealing with what they are going through and aren't ready to hear about this new developement just yet.

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