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Hesitantly adapting to loneliness.


vanya

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Hey all,

So I've been up the past few nights, really considering my current reality.
I'm not sure if I'm asexual, but I am sure that I'm damn near 28 years old and still waiting for SOMETHING to spark, sexually as well as romantically.
In all my waiting, hoping that I'll catch up to everyone else, I've noticed a severe disconnect happening between myself and my peers.
There is a constant, suffocating feeling of not being able to fully connect to another being because of how differently our behaviours and motivators are.

For the most part, I feel as if I've adapted to being secretly lonely. I play the role of normalcy very well, but it does pain me to know that I have no real relationships in my life, and trying to procure them, being so different to the "norm", it can feel like the ultimate mission impossible. Whenever I've tried to just be, no charades or roles to play, people have not been able to warm to me, nor I to them. It feels like there's no way to sync up, unless you're able to share similar life experiences. This can be hard, when you're part of a minority.

I would love to hear how other people manage their relationships with the "norm", be it with friends or partners, and what they've done to be able to find common ground from which to build a solid foundation, as I'm really hoping to cultivate some genuine relationships in my life.

- Vanya



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I think for the most part I deceptive in nature.

I have never really let anyone get "too close."

I share bits and pieces of myself to everyone, but never the full picture.

I have also come to understand my peers out of the same disconnect you mentioned.

I have always felt the outsider, even as a kid I always knew I was different.

I think on some level I knew people wouldn't understand me, so I resolved to try to understand them.

Years later, people don't really surprise me that much.

From time to time it does hurt a little to be alone, knowing that I am not motivated by what motivates my peers, but it's a comfortable familiar feeling.

I have come to care and try to comfort the people around me because I am not sure I will ever find just one person that I can truly be in a romantic relationship with.

Hmm, yeah I don't think I am doing a good job of answering your question.

I hope a few other responders have better insight.

Have a beautiful day.

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Autumn Season

Hey. :) I found friends in university, language and dancing courses, abroad, in fandoms, on concerts, dating sites, at work and I click very well with other outsiders. So basically I always had to go to places where I knew people shared my interests. Not that I went there only for the people, but that's another topic.

There is a constant, suffocating feeling of not being able to fully connect to another being because of how differently our behaviours and motivators are.

I can relate to this a lot, especially when it comes to relationships. But I am hopeful that I can find a mutual love with another asexual person.

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May I recommend you check out your local roller derby league? Whether you're skating, officiating (timing penalties, keeping score, etc) or just volunteering to keep things running, derby is often a way to make insta-friends. Looks like the Northsiders are your local league in Melbourne: http://www.northsiderollers.com/Maybe go to a match, and then if you feel like it, you could go and introduce yourself after the match, or send them an email.

The great thing about derby is how diverse and open-minded the leagues tend to be, so it might be a good way to make some connections and perhaps even friends.

For me personally, I tend to make new connections when we share a common task or environment. University was great for this, work a bit less so. Derby is perfect for this, because it brings you under the same roof with other people under a common goal, and provides a safe space whether you're cis or trans, gay, bi, or straight, or in our case, ace.

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I find that my ability to form long lasting relationships grows less and less with each year.

Now my job has me in front of many people throughout the week, and I've worked with several dozen new people each year, but haven't been able to form any relationships besides those I live with.

This has been fairly constant as the years have progressed. I recall being on many sports teams and not forming any endearing friendships.

I've started to focus on working on what makes me happy and resolving my problems. I see loneliness in my future as well, and it does indeed frighten me.

I've been in a relationship with a sexual for 10 years now, and we aren't anywhere near as close as we used to be. I'm pretty sure in the next half year or so we our life paths will diverge.

Oddly enough I may actually end up in Melbourne in June to take advantage of my working holiday visa in Australia...

I hope there is vibrant asexual community there, it would be fab share some tea and talk with others who have such similar experiences.

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Anthracite_Impreza

Erm, I just be myself. People either accept that or get lost *shrugs*

Ok yes, I'm not entirely myself in public, there's still a bit of a charade there, but I only keep the stuff to myself that would risk my safety/job/freedom from the nuthouse etc. Never had a partner, so I can't help you there... Being normal's boring.

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Totally agree with this sentiment, But stuff it I am not going to be down about it these things, Its these that make us freaking awesome and different from the rest let's embrace these qualities!

For the most part, I feel as if I've adapted to being secretly lonely. I play the role of normalcy very well, but it does pain me to know that I have no real relationships in my life, and trying to procure them, being so different to the "norm", it can feel like the ultimate mission impossible.

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My relationships have changed over the years, as I've grown past the college stage (hanging out for hours on end with no real purpose) to the point where all of my friends have paired off and have their own families. I find that we only get together for a reason (happy hour, dinner, shopping, etc). Because they don't have much time to just hang out and do nothing, the closeness of my relationships with them have diminished.

This lack of connection feels very existential to me (all of us are, ultimately, alone; whether we are partnered or have families or not). So I just focus on engaging in things that are enjoyable or challenging to me. Sometimes those are solo activities and sometimes they are not. I've developed close friendships with the people I've met through shared interests. There's an element of "Oh, they get me" because of our shared interests.

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Chillvillain263

I learned to accept being alone and enjoy my life for what it is and when I'm not alone, I enjoy that person as much as I can. Even if I know I can't keep that person. I can relate to that feeling, it's odd being different, but also allows a certain degree of individuality, if you think about it. Ultimately being yourself is far more important then trying to fit in.

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@ OP : even if you are asexual and aromantic, you don't have to be lonely for the rest of your life. It's possible to feel very close to someone without feeling attracted to them at all. Not everyone wants romance and / or sex. Who knows, maybe if you meet someone who thinks like you, it may be much easier to feel close to them.

fwk8s9.png

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Calamity Jim

A lot of it is self acceptance. It is hard to be committed to someone else when you are hoping that the things that make you who you are will change. For example, it is hard to date a girl when you are hoping that some day you can date a boy. I found a lot of my relationships improved after I came out as ace because I was more at ease with myself and therefore more open to bonding because I wan't putting up walls to keep myself hidden and safe.

As for my experiences with partners... I seem to be dating a demisexual who is polyamorous and it just might work. I get the benefits of an emotionally intimate relationship while her sexual focus is on her partner, who I get a long with as a friend. No one expects (or even kinda wants) sex from me but I get snuggles in return.

So screw being normal and go for what makes you happy. If I get ordained I can marry them and turn my love story into the ultimate pun.

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This is the same question I have been asking myself for years and honestly I don't have a clue either. Right now I am taking bits and pieces of what has already been said here. The only thing I can add is you should be willing to open up when a chance presents itself. Personally for a long time on some level I felt opening up to people was a weakness. That makes no sense, but in my mind I figured talking about myself was just a cry for attention. Plus other people can deal with being lonely so why can't I, too. That's the oddly comforting thing about loneliness at times, it offers this strange sense of safety. When you are by yourself there is no sense you need to change how you act or explain yourself.

As for trying to connect with other people. Most of my life I feigned "normalcy", not on any overt level I just didn't engage people with my actual interests and mannerisms. That didn't work and I wasn't happy. After that I just withdrew. Recently I have been trying to be more open with those around me. It hasn't been all positive, granted I am a bit of a dick. But I am being honest and open when I feel comfortable with a situation, and that is the thing I feel can make a world of difference. You may need to take a risk but you can manage that risk so you don't feel in over your head. Again I don't know how this will work out in the long run, but I feel at least for myself it is worth a go.

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Hmm, yeah I don't think I am doing a good job of answering your question.

I hope a few other responders have better insight.

Have a beautiful day.

I appreciate your willingness to share your thoughts with me and I am thankful for your insight!

May you have a beautiful day also!

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Hey. :) I found friends in university, language and dancing courses, abroad, in fandoms, on concerts, dating sites, at work and I click very well with other outsiders. So basically I always had to go to places where I knew people shared my interests. Not that I went there only for the people, but that's another topic.

There is a constant, suffocating feeling of not being able to fully connect to another being because of how differently our behaviours and motivators are.

I can relate to this a lot, especially when it comes to relationships. But I am hopeful that I can find a mutual love with another asexual person.

You're so incredibly social! That's a gift I wish I had, I tend to be more reserved in nature but it's something I'm actively trying to change.

Thank you for your fabulous advice!

I just discovered this site (with articles about different relationships that asexual people have been in) and I highly recommend it:

http://queenieofaces.tumblr.com/post/113648395758/teeny-tiny-linkspam-on-asexuality-and

Thank you, I'll browse it now! :)

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May I recommend you check out your local roller derby league? Whether you're skating, officiating (timing penalties, keeping score, etc) or just volunteering to keep things running, derby is often a way to make insta-friends. Looks like the Northsiders are your local league in Melbourne: http://www.northsiderollers.com/Maybe go to a match, and then if you feel like it, you could go and introduce yourself after the match, or send them an email.

I might just do this, thank you!

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Oddly enough I may actually end up in Melbourne in June to take advantage of my working holiday visa in Australia...

I hope there is vibrant asexual community there, it would be fab share some tea and talk with others who have such similar experiences.

I don't actually know very much about the Asexual community in melbourne, but it's such a vast metropolis, there's bound to be a few here and there :)

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This lack of connection feels very existential to me (all of us are, ultimately, alone; whether we are partnered or have families or not).

I learned to accept being alone and enjoy my life for what it is and when I'm not alone, I enjoy that person as much as I can. Even if I know I can't keep that person. I can relate to that feeling, it's odd being different, but also allows a certain degree of individuality, if you think about it. Ultimately being yourself is far more important then trying to fit in.

That's really very mature minded, solid advice.

I don't think I know myself well enough yet, to be able to arrive to any sort of definitive acceptance about myself, but I'm hoping to get to that place sooner rather than later. :)

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The only thing I can add is you should be willing to open up when a chance presents itself.

This.

This is very true.

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Autumn Season

Hey. :) I found friends in university, language and dancing courses, abroad, in fandoms, on concerts, dating sites, at work and I click very well with other outsiders. So basically I always had to go to places where I knew people shared my interests. Not that I went there only for the people, but that's another topic.

There is a constant, suffocating feeling of not being able to fully connect to another being because of how differently our behaviours and motivators are.

I can relate to this a lot, especially when it comes to relationships. But I am hopeful that I can find a mutual love with another asexual person.

You're so incredibly social! That's a gift I wish I had, I tend to be more reserved in nature but it's something I'm actively trying to change.

Heh. ^^ I would not call myself very social. In fact sometimes I am hiding at home for days, not even picking up the phone unless I really have to. But there are some nice people who are worth going out for and with whom being social doesn't feel as difficult as with others.

I believe that if you want to change then you can. ^^ But more than anything I hope that you'll find friends around whom you can be yourself.

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A lot of it is self acceptance. It is hard to be committed to someone else when you are hoping that the things that make you who you are will change. For example, it is hard to date a girl when you are hoping that some day you can date a boy. I found a lot of my relationships improved after I came out as ace because I was more at ease with myself and therefore more open to bonding because I wan't putting up walls to keep myself hidden and safe.

Yeah. That.

I'm curious to see how things will change since I don't need those walls anymore.

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