Stephme Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Hello people! So, here's the thing, I identify as gray, but as I'm more leaning towards asexuality I usually say that I'm pure ace, and I have this friend, who has known me for a while, who knows that asexuality is a thing, knows what it is, has ace friends and stuff, and he told me that he wouldn't believe that I was asexual until I got tested for hormonal imbalance, thing is, that is probably never going to happen, so what should I be then? because I personnally don't identify as ace, and someone who has knowledge of it tells me I'm not, I'm fine with not calling myself anything but I wouldn't know what to answer if I was ever asked, so... yeah... Anyway thanks for stopping by, wuv ya~ Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Agent Rainbow Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 If you think you are ace, then you are. No one can change your opinion. Don't listen to that friend. You don't need hormone tests. You can identify as whatever you want. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Stephme Posted October 2, 2015 Author Share Posted October 2, 2015 Well if it was coming from anybody other than him I wouldn't care, but he's the kind of person that never starts a topic without having researched it before, however, I only fall into the "depression" category of hormonal imbalance symptoms, so maybe I do have that and therefore should be considered a... huh... abnormal? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
kitsuneyaro Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Ummm... If he's really researched it, he wouldn't talk about your hormone levels. That's like saying 'I don't think you're straight, you're gay until proven otherwise.'? What kind of friend is that..? Unless he's suggesting that the problem is hormones and not a lack of sexual interest? But why would he say he won't BELIEVE you? That's the worst thing a friend could say. I'd say punch him in the face. Also why would you have to prove to your FRIEND whom you need nothing but support from, your sexual (dis)preference? RAAAARRR. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Nicnac Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Okay, so I have only one issue with your posts ..don't you ever call yourself abnormal, you are not and you never will be. Also depression sucks, it is an awful mental illness that no one can make sense of, I know because I have depression and have had for a long time, this does not stop me from identifying as asexual, I know I am and that is fine, it is all the romantic side of things that people talk about that I find difficult to understand, well and the whole sex thing lol. But anyway that is just me and I am different to everyone and that doesn't matter. Oh boy, sorry, I.ve just had a phone call and was supposed to be somewhere else 30 mins ago, dammit, sorry Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Tes273 Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 In the end, whatever you end up identifying as, I hope you don't leave Aven! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Archon Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Your friend has no idea what he's talking about. It's insulting to be told to get tested for hormone imbalances to prove yourself. I bet he wouldn't say that to a homosexual person, even though it makes just as much sense. Only you can say how you identify yourself, and nobody has the right to say otherwise. Honestly, saying "you should have your hormones checked" is one of the classic examples of asexual erasure, and if your friend had really researched the topic he would know better than to say that. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Stephme Posted October 2, 2015 Author Share Posted October 2, 2015 I don't know guys, anyway it doesn't matter, sorry for having wasted your time~ Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Anne Thrope Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 If those are the only "symptoms" you are experiencing, then I highly doubt there's a problem with your hormones. It is far more likely that you are an asexual who unfortunately has depression (which is one of the most common mental illnesses - I've even been there myself) than for you to have a hormone imbalance. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Anne Thrope Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I don't know guys, anyway it doesn't matter, sorry for having wasted your time~ No time wasted here. That's what AVEN is for. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 If you had a hormone imbalance you'd have more than one symptom. Only you can know yourself/your orientation; no one else. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
kitsuneyaro Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I don't know guys, anyway it doesn't matter, sorry for having wasted your time~ No, it does matter. That's why you posted this isn't it? You're not gonna hang out with that friend without questioning him? That's just bad for your confidence, I think you should teach him about asexuality, yours in particular. If you don't feel informed enough, then by all means inform yourself thoroughly, so thoroughly he won't be able to question you. And if you don't get an apology out of him then, I don't think he's worthy of being your friend. But that's just me. I'm just hoping he's misinformed. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Meudwen Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 Wow so have his other asexual friends all passed their hormone tests for him too? I sincerely doubt it. So if his friends didn't all do tests but he calls them all asexual, why would he refuse to call you asexual/grey without a test? Doesn't add up. Have you ever met any of his "many ace friends"? Because it smells suspicious to me. So imo he's either: 1. a liar who think he knows about asexuality (but probably never did anything more than google the definition) and made up ace friends so he sounds snazzy but is actually low-key acephobic or 2. a moron who does have a few ace friends and thinks they all need to act the same way and thinks he has any kind of say about deciding other people's identities Whoops I got kind of opinionated there ;) Point is, don't let some "friend" invalidate the way you feel. It's for you to figure out yourself, if you want to, not for anyone to demand "proof" of! And no, you're not wasting our time. Your identity, your self confidence is important. Say the word and I'll fight him for you. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Serault Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 One thing that everyone I've seen on Aven emphasize is that if you believe you are asexual, then you are. Your identity is your own, it can change, or it may never, but it's still yours. He can be the person who first coined the term 'asexuality' but that doesn't mean he can be the asexual gatekeeper who decides whether you're ace enough or not. I am so ridiculously new to this community but I know that what I identify myself as, I am, even though I don't have a hormone panel, blood test, and psychology degree backing that identity.I really hope that this helps, either to validate your identity or just give you a little bit of encouragement. You shouldn't have to suffer the opinions of someone else who invalidates you, whether that means removing yourself from their friendship entirely, or having a serious sit down confrontation, friends should really try to understand rather than keep the gate of an identity he doesn't even partake in. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 who knows that asexuality is a thing, knows what it is, has ace friends and stuff, and he told me that he wouldn't believe that I was asexual until I got tested for hormonal imbalance Sounds like an awesome friend, there. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Stephme Posted October 4, 2015 Author Share Posted October 4, 2015 The difference between me and his other ace friends is that they're not "depressed", so he thinks that my depression comes from hormonal imbalance and that's also what caused me to "believe" that I was asexual, which makes sense in a way Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Archon Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 The difference between me and his other ace friends is that they're not "depressed", so he thinks that my depression comes from hormonal imbalance and that's also what caused me to "believe" that I was asexual, which makes sense in a way I'm sorry about your depression. That's a terrible mental illness. But what he said makes sense in only one specific circumstance: losing interest when depressive episodes occur, and being sexual the rest of the time. Did you used to be sexual, but lost interest in sex as soon as your depression developed? Or have you been on the asexual spectrum for as long as you can remember? If you have always been gray-asexual then that's what you probably are. Though only you can say what you are, of course. I wonder, have you spoken to these magical "ace friends" of his? It seems like he has set them up as the gold standard of what normal asexuals are like. We are a diverse group, and there are many kinds of aces, not just the few that he knows. By the way, someone who does not experience sexual attraction or experiences it to a limited degree because of medical reasons or trauma or anything else still has the right to self-identity as asexual or anywhere on the spectrum. After all, we are, each of us, the sum of many factors, and certain factors aren't more valid than other ones. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 The difference between me and his other ace friends is that they're not "depressed", so he thinks that my depression comes from hormonal imbalance and that's also what caused me to "believe" that I was asexual, Again, sounds like a really fucking awesome friend. Please tell me he isn't planning on counseling/psychology as a career field. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 Hello people! So, here's the thing, I identify as gray, but as I'm more leaning towards asexuality I usually say that I'm pure ace, and I have this friend, who has known me for a while, who knows that asexuality is a thing, knows what it is, has ace friends and stuff, and he told me that he wouldn't believe that I was asexual until I got tested for hormonal imbalance, thing is, that is probably never going to happen, so what should I be then? because I personnally don't identify as ace, and someone who has knowledge of it tells me I'm not, I'm fine with not calling myself anything but I wouldn't know what to answer if I was ever asked, so... yeah... Anyway thanks for stopping by, wuv ya~ Ok so first, be careful saying "pure ace", it can come off as a little elitist (not saying you are of course) ;) Second, this "expert" isn't an expert. They just aren't. If they were they'd know how ridiculously offensive it is to even suggest, let alone demand, that someone have their hormones checked before they'll believe someone's ace. You know a foolproof way to know if someone's ace? Ask. An outsider's belief is irrelevant. Further, depression can indeed cause someone to "go off" sex, but that doesn't mean you can't be an ace with depression, or any other mental/physical illness or neurotype. There are many of us here (just have a look at the intersectionality forum!). If you identify as ace, you are ace, and this person has no right to tell you otherwise. If they have a problem with that, direct them to AVEN; we'll sort them out ;) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Member54880 Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 I've been through similar, with friends who knew other asexuals, but insisted I wasn't, because I wasn't like the others that they knew. You know yourself better than anyone else does so you don't have to get yourself tested for a hormone imbalance, but if you did have a hormone imbalance, then your orientation isn't any less valid for it. So much for him doing his research. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Five5 Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 The difference between me and his other ace friends is that they're not "depressed", so he thinks that my depression comes from hormonal imbalance and that's also what caused me to "believe" that I was asexual, which makes sense in a way I'm sorry about your depression. That's a terrible mental illness. But what he said makes sense in only one specific circumstance: losing interest when depressive episodes occur, and being sexual the rest of the time. Did you used to be sexual, but lost interest in sex as soon as your depression developed? Or have you been on the asexual spectrum for as long as you can remember? If you have always been gray-asexual then that's what you probably are. Though only you can say what you are, of course. I wonder, have you spoken to these magical "ace friends" of his? It seems like he has set them up as the gold standard of what normal asexuals are like. We are a diverse group, and there are many kinds of aces, not just the few that he knows. By the way, someone who does not experience sexual attraction or experiences it to a limited degree because of medical reasons or trauma or anything else still has the right to self-identity as asexual or anywhere on the spectrum. After all, we are, each of us, the sum of many factors, and certain factors aren't more valid than other ones. There. That, in bold. The specific symptom is a lack of interest in things you previously found pleasurable. If the depression gets better or resolves, you regain your interest in the thing(s). As someone with a psychology degree, who has depression, AND incidentally had a "normal" hormone panel a couple years ago, I can still say I am asexual. My asexuality is unrelated to my experience of depression. I can't lose interest in something I was never interested in. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Stephme Posted October 4, 2015 Author Share Posted October 4, 2015 I honestly don't know guys, I forget things that I don't pay attention to, so maybe I did experience sexual attraction, and maybe I didn't, I don't remember ever experiencing it, the maximum I reached was considering it to please my then girlfriend, but that's about it, so I guess I should keep calling myself asexual but not bring up the topic with him in particular, 'kay thanks! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
catnipQuintessence Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 I honestly don't know guys, I forget things that I don't pay attention to, so maybe I did experience sexual attraction, and maybe I didn't, I don't remember ever experiencing it, the maximum I reached was considering it to please my then girlfriend, but that's about it, so I guess I should keep calling myself asexual but not bring up the topic with him in particular, 'kay thanks! If you had previously been experiencing attraction the way allosexuals do and then stopped during a depressive episode, you would be able to notice a stark difference. Your experience sounds definitely asexual to me, and of course you can use gray if you want. Your friend is trying to sound more knowledgeable than he is, and frankly he's being a jerk about it. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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