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Thoughts... Gray-A?


Keda

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Alright, hello hello I'm new here-- and anyway, here's an issue that I've been thinking about for around a month now... I have no clue at all as to my orientation/s. ;; (Apologies if this is the wrong board!!)

[i'm a girl, and 99% of my friends are all girls also.]

[Warning what you are about to read probably makes no sense and is in no particular order,,]

I identify most of the time as panromantic-- I sometimes randomly experience a lot of romantic and emotional attraction towards, well, my closer friends. I have an overwhelming desire to be with them, talk to them, make them happy. I find myself wondering near constantly if they feel the same, and occasionally I'll cut my other friends off for a while just so I can be with that person more. These feelings never last longer than a month, though- as soon as I feel them drifting away emotionally even a small bit, the attraction dies out and I no longer see them in a romantic way, if that makes sense.

During these romantic episodes, it will start out as just normal friend feelings-- talking, hanging out, etc. Then it evolves into a one-sided obsession, and I crave their attention 30000% of the time. I fantasize about hugging, kissing, blah blah blah. I'd never ever ever act on those fantasies though, the thought makes me tingly yet sick. Ew. It would also ruin the friendship I have going.

As romantic attraction, the fantasies don't normally go past kissing. However, I get spontaneous 'sexual attractions' toward them too- it's weak, and I'd nEVER do anything about them, and they go away within... well, minutes. It's pretty much ongoing gross what-if scenarios. I still am not completely sure if what I feel is really sexual, so I guess that's what led me to identify as gray-a... maybe?? Even then, the fantasies and attractions don't really feel like they include my current '''crush'', just a mental version who looks like them. It's weird. If I look realistically at the situation and the person I'm thinking about, I reassess if I'm even feeling that sort of thing and I usually come to the conclusion that I'm not and it's all in my mind.

I have a small social circle, and I emotionally rely a lot on my friends, so these romantic/"""sexual" feelings end up happening quite often, sometimes for the same person more than once. That's the thing that made me question if I'm somewhere closer or farther to the asexual side of the spectrum. I feel like I'm closer to asexuality or demisexuality honestly, but sometimes my emotions say otherwise.

The thought of sex makes me disgusted. I'm happy on my own, and honestly, I'd much prefer a relationship that involved all Netflix and no chill. Or just solo Netflix. That also sounds great.

Outside of the occasional romantic attractions I get around my friends, there's really nothing. I don't crush on celebrities, hot people are no more than hot people, and I don't look at people whether I know them or not and think "wow, meet me in bed" and feel like I'd mean it. I'm always awkward in sexual conversations, I can never truthfully answer the question 'who do you like?' and just feel like I don't fit into society the way others do. That, or I'm overthinking it to a ridiculous level.

//Wow, that was a jumbled mess and I'm sorry whoops-- anyway, that's my generalized thought process. Does anyone have a clue what could be going on? Maybe I'm just overreacting because I can't organize my feelings, but I'd like to know what you people have to say. Assuming you even understood the words I just typed ^_^ I think all of this is one huge nonsensical post anyway tbh.

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You might be lithromantic and/or lithsexual? Someone who is lithromantic experiences romantic attraction but does not want to act on it and/or stops feeling attraction when it's reciprocated. Lithsexual is the sexual orientation version of that. You might also be demiromantic if you only ever feel romantic attraction toward close friends. It's up to you how you identify, though.

Welcome to AVEN btw :cake:

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