18 year old male unsure about sexuality (warning gets personal)

[ButaFolly]

I'm currently an 18 year old male attending college. I've never been in a romantic relationship let alone any relationship of that sort, I've never had sex, I've only ever kissed a girl once and it was at age 16, and until last week I had never masturbated.

My first time last week felt very unnatural, and I was too uncomfortable to touch my *part* (I "maneuvered" over my boxers). While "stuff" did come out I'm not totally certain I technically orgasmed. I suppose I felt a bit of a desire to do it again but this quickly faded.

I've always ruled out being asexual due to the fact that I believe I do feel attraction to girls. I'll look at one and think she's attractive physically, though I can't say I've ever really developed a strong emotional bond with one before. The closest I ever got to having a traditional "girlfriend" was a girl I asked out to movies without realizing I was effectively asking her out on dates. I simply wanted to hang out with her and enjoy movies, and the thought of sex never came across me (this was when I was 17).

Not to mention that while I had never masturbated, I had had plenty of nocturnal emissions, which if I remember correctly is a literal sign of thinking about sex. That's why while I've never felt the desire per se of having sex with girls consciously, I've always believed that I do have it but haven't discovered it. I haven't been able to gauge whether it's a question of sexuality or rather a sign of extreme, otherworldly discomfort due to self-esteem issues that developed over time. I've always leaned towards the latter, and this stigma about relationships has always been crippling for my self-esteem, and vice-versa.

The more I write about the attraction I've had to girls, the more I don't think I'm asexual. And yet I don't know why masturbation was so and is so unnatural to me. I'm literally scared to touch/look at my part and when I first heard that people masturbated I was utterly shocked (not the best sex ed in junior high I suppose). I took a little "asexuality quiz" online that said I might be "grey-A" sexuality. Do I sound like I fit that description to you, or do you think a lack of self-esteem is to explain for my lack of conscious sexual drive? Feel free to ask me any questions.

[Jea]

Hi, and welcome! :cake:

Some asexuals do masturbate so I don't think that would qualify you as asexual. The purely physical part is a reflex (some of us don't have it, and I don't know why). Being asexual means not feeling sexual attraction and/or feeling no desire for partnered sex.

However, there are four kinds of attraction: sexual, romantic, sensual, aesthetic. Here are the details of each: http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Attraction#Crushes_and_Squishes

You might be not be sexually attracted to girls, but feel the three other attractions, which you'd mistake for the first...? Then you could be on the asexual spectrum.

I hope that helps, feel free to ask more :)

[Philip027]

Not to mention that while I had never masturbated, I had had plenty of nocturnal emissions, which if I remember correctly is a literal sign of thinking about sex.

Ehh, I've been occasionally plagued with those, and I wasn't thinking about sex. Not while I was awake, at any rate...

[Autumn Season]

I've always ruled out being asexual due to the fact that I believe I do feel attraction to girls. I'll look at one and think she's attractive physically, though I can't say I've ever really developed a strong emotional bond with one before. The closest I ever got to having a traditional "girlfriend" was a girl I asked out to movies without realizing I was effectively asking her out on dates. I simply wanted to hang out with her and enjoy movies, and the thought of sex never came across me (this was when I was 17).

[...]

The more I write about the attraction I've had to girls, the more I don't think I'm asexual.

"attractive physically" could either mean that you like to look at women (aesthetic attraction), that you think it would be nice to touch them (sensual attraction) and/or that you could imagine yourself sleeping with a woman and that you desire the touch to become more sexual, the better you get to know her (sexual attraction).

One can have all of the three attractions at once or separately. Asexual people can have all of them except for the sexual part. In other words an asexual (heteroromantic and cis) man can like to look at a girl, can want to cuddle with her, can fall in love with her, but he will never desire her sexually.

As nobody except for you knows how you are feeling, you need to find out whether what you want in a relationship with a girl includes sex by being honest with yourself.

And asexuality has nothing to do with masturbation habits or drives. But if you think that you have a low libido and if you don't like that, then you could ask your doctor to make a test on your hormones and ask them about what can be done to increase the libido.

[a new me]

I've always ruled out being asexual due to the fact that I believe I do feel attraction to girls. I'll look at one and think she's attractive physically, though I can't say I've ever really developed a strong emotional bond with one before. The closest I ever got to having a traditional "girlfriend" was a girl I asked out to movies without realizing I was effectively asking her out on dates. I simply wanted to hang out with her and enjoy movies, and the thought of sex never came across me (this was when I was 17).

Not to mention that while I had never masturbated, I had had plenty of nocturnal emissions, which if I remember correctly is a literal sign of thinking about sex. That's why while I've never felt the desire per se of having sex with girls consciously, I've always believed that I do have it but haven't discovered it. I haven't been able to gauge whether it's a question of sexuality or rather a sign of extreme, otherworldly discomfort due to self-esteem issues that developed over time. I've always leaned towards the latter, and this stigma about relationships has always been crippling for my self-esteem, and vice-versa.

The more I write about the attraction I've had to girls, the more I don't think I'm asexual. And yet I don't know why masturbation was so and is so unnatural to me. I'm literally scared to touch/look at my part and when I first heard that people masturbated I was utterly shocked (not the best sex ed in junior high I suppose). I took a little "asexuality quiz" online that said I might be "grey-A" sexuality. Do I sound like I fit that description to you, or do you think a lack of self-esteem is to explain for my lack of conscious sexual drive? Feel free to ask me any questions.

While I don't think anyone can tell you what you should identify as, I think that learning about what other people identify as and why they choose those labels can help. For example, I tend to have a very low (but not non-existent) libido and on rare occasions I do feel sexually attached to people and I'm not sex-repulsed. I've had good and bad sexual experiences, but I never initiate it or feel like it has ever added to the relationship.

The word asexual felt bit too extreme for me to really identify with when I first heard about it, but I know for a fact that I am significantly less sexual than most people. It wasn't until I read an article (long gone now, don't know where to find it) that referred to asexuality as a spectrum that I started to feel comfortable identify with the term. Now I identify as grey-ace, really more toward the asexual end, and I feel like it works for me.

To me you sound like you could fit that description, but it's not my place to tell you. Read more about it, learn the vocabulary, and find words that you feel fit you. But don't worry about fitting into one particular box, people simply aren't that neat and tidy.