Questioning my sexuality.

[americanhoney]

I am a 22 year old woman, whose last romantic relationship was over 2 years ago. I consider myself attractive and I dress in a flattering sometimes sexy way. I have always been extremely uncomfortable with the act of sex. The times that I have had sex my mind was somewhere else and it was completely unenjoyable, many times painful. But I have continued to try and make it work, because I feel like I have to.

Over the years I have had short relationships with men but never did I feel the urge to act sexually, I enjoyed the affection and closeness but that was it. I have many male friends and I find other women find this upsetting. It is a common thought that because I am so close with them I must be sleeping with them, but in actuality I am completely unattracted to them. A couple of times I have been so close to a man that I felt like we should be dating, because that's what people do, but I had no desire to do so. I appreciate a good looking male or female and will often comment on it, but I have no sexual desires toward them.

Sometimes, I day dream about the future, a loving husband and children. I even picture that with people I have been close with in the past. I am a very independent person and this is not something that I see as realistic for many reasons. I can not ever picture myself being close enough with someone else to marry them. Especially having sex with them on a regular basis.

In the past I have enjoyed kissing, but I think it is the closeness to my partner that makes it enjoyable. I am a very touchy feely kind of person and this crosses over to my friends male or female. I am also extremely trusting and make personal connections very easily. Often individuals take my friendliness/touchiness as flirting or sexual interest, but that is just who I am, I enjoy closeness.

I am not sure if my unpleasant sexual experiences are why I find the prospect of sex unappealing. This is why I question if I am asexual. Besides the fact that this would be an extreme hurtle in my life, it makes me question a lot of things about myself. Have I ever been truly sexually attracted to anyone? Should the affection I spend on my friends be used on a romantic relationship? Am I feeling this way because I haven't found someone I enjoy having sex with? I have been expected to want to have sex because I am young and pretty. But in actuality, I enjoy human company in a platonic why.

I have never voiced any of these feelings to any one before. It is only here that I feel like I can, even if it is never heard.

[Meudwen]

If you're spending a long time trying to ask yourself "Have I ever felt sexual attraction?" and not finding a clear answer, then that probably means you never have.

Just because you are young and beautiful (if that's you in your icon, you are very beautiful indeed!!) doesn't mean you should be expected to have sex or even have a relationship with anyone if that's not what you're comfortable with.

If you can free what you want to do, from what other people expect of you, then I think you should be a lot happier. But I know that's easier said than done!

[nerdperson777]

You may be asexual but many of the things you described are about aesthetic and sensual attraction. Since you don't seem to speak of trans* individuals, I would think bi-aesthetic and bisensual. You can still be romantically attracted to people, but I don't see that in your post to make a judgment of it.

[SilverPin]

You sound like you're asexual. The basic requirement for being asexual is to have no or very little desire for sex. You can have sex, be in a romantic relationship, and have children and be asexual. Just because you love someone and/or want to have kids, it doesn't mean that you want to have sex.

[timewarp]

(1) The times that I have had sex my mind was somewhere else and it was completely unenjoyable, many times painful. But I have continued to try and make it work, because I feel like I have to.

(2) I am not sure if my unpleasant sexual experiences are why I find the prospect of sex unappealing. This is why I question if I am asexual. Besides the fact that this would be an extreme hurtle in my life, it makes me question a lot of things about myself. Have I ever been truly sexually attracted to anyone? Should the affection I spend on my friends be used on a romantic relationship? Am I feeling this way because I haven't found someone I enjoy having sex with? I have been expected to want to have sex because I am young and pretty. But in actuality, I enjoy human company in a platonic why.

(1) sounds a bit like a female equivalent of what happened to me. When I tried to have sex, I found that I couldn't get started at all, which was an incredible surprise because when cuddling/kissing I actually do experience arousal. "Painful" sex sounds for me as if it's not far away from my own experience. Apart of not getting aroused, I also felt tense. Was that similar for you?

(2) It was exactly the same for me. If you tried to have (or actually had) sex various times, at a certain point you cannot divide your feelings from the experiences then. I actually thought I have some psychological problem, and I did a few months of psychotherapy with the result that I consider myself even healthier than I did before. From what I figured out for myself, it seems that I "believed" I wanted sex (aquired taste), but actually never wanted it. If asked about what I experienced then, I would say that I was extremely happy with cuddling and kissing, but when it came to foreplay, an honest description of my feeling then would be: bored. I didn't mind doing it, but it was not really exciting and definitely not arousing. So it was not surprising that I "lost it" during the process. But as I felt the expectation of penetrative sex, over the time there was an incredible performance pressure building up. This is why I'm almost jealous of anyone who finds out their asexual before actually trying. It's really not pleasant going through this (also for the partner involved).

Does this sound familiar in any way? I hope this is of any help, but I would also really appreciate your feedback about this; it would help me to understand everything better.

[americanhoney]

(1) The times that I have had sex my mind was somewhere else and it was completely unenjoyable, many times painful. But I have continued to try and make it work, because I feel like I have to.

(2) I am not sure if my unpleasant sexual experiences are why I find the prospect of sex unappealing. This is why I question if I am asexual. Besides the fact that this would be an extreme hurtle in my life, it makes me question a lot of things about myself. Have I ever been truly sexually attracted to anyone? Should the affection I spend on my friends be used on a romantic relationship? Am I feeling this way because I haven't found someone I enjoy having sex with? I have been expected to want to have sex because I am young and pretty. But in actuality, I enjoy human company in a platonic why.

(1) sounds a bit like a female equivalent of what happened to me. When I tried to have sex, I found that I couldn't get started at all, which was an incredible surprise because when cuddling/kissing I actually do experience arousal. "Painful" sex sounds for me as if it's not far away from my own experience. Apart of not getting aroused, I also felt tense. Was that similar for you?

(2) It was exactly the same for me. If you tried to have (or actually had) sex various times, at a certain point you cannot divide your feelings from the experiences then. I actually thought I have some psychological problem, and I did a few months of psychotherapy with the result that I consider myself even healthier than I did before. From what I figured out for myself, it seems that I "believed" I wanted sex (aquired taste), but actually never wanted it. If asked about what I experienced then, I would say that I was extremely happy with cuddling and kissing, but when it came to foreplay, an honest description of my feeling then would be: bored. I didn't mind doing it, but it was not really exciting and definitely not arousing. So it was not surprising that I "lost it" during the process. But as I felt the expectation of penetrative sex, over the time there was an incredible performance pressure building up. This is why I'm almost jealous of anyone who finds out their asexual before actually trying. It's really not pleasant going through this (also for the partner involved).

Does this sound familiar in any way? I hope this is of any help, but I would also really appreciate your feedback about this; it would help me to understand everything better.

I have no idea how to respond to this, in a technical sense, this post thing confuses me.

Painful in both a mental and actual physical way, but that seems to be a whole other issue. I feel extremely tense. In the beginning I felt as though this was just nervousness, now it seems to be more than that, how could I possibly be nervous now years later for sex? This is a large portion of why I feel I may be asexual, because of how unpleasant mentally and physically it is. Or is it that it is unpleasant because I have no sexual attraction?

What you are describing sounds very close, if not the same, as the way I feel. Recently, I have thought about seeking some sort of psychological expertise on that matter; after finding this site I see it as less of a necessity. The strange part is that I always find myself coming back to the idea of having sex. I think I want to experience what other people are experiencing and I feel that maybe "this time" it will work. This sounds like what you were describing when you said you "believed" you wanted sex. Do ever find yourself feeling sort of guilty that you can not provide sexual satisfaction to your partner? I feel this way all the time and I feel as though I "owe" my partner something.

Also, something maybe entirely not related. I find sex very silly. I may think this way because I am not sexually attracted to the individual and thus it seems kind of ridiculous. Or maybe I don't take anything seriously and sex is added to this list.

I might have just made no sense at all, but I really appreciate your feedback. Makes me think even more and its comforting to know I'm not the only one.