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Asexuality and Kink


skychevalier

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So BDSM and related topics are often referred to as "sexual." I've made and heard arguments that these topics should be referred to as "sensual" because kink can be practiced without including sex acts.

For me, I experience arousal from kink, and feel some kind of attraction to people who I believe would be good play partners--this is the strongest type of attraction I feel. It's clearly not sexual attraction, but its similar; it's a pull towards the person, and a strong, but often fleeting, desire to play with them.

For context: I have a sex drive, but _no_ desire to engage in it with other people, and limited/no sexual attraction to others.

What are your experiences? For practitioners willing to share, do you experience sexual arousal from kinky acts/thoughts? Do you have "kink"-attraction?

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I am moving this thread to the Gray Area.

The Great WTF

Asexual Relationships Moderator

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I have lots of kinks but I don't like BDSM at all (I support it, but that area of 'play' freaks me out personally) so I feel left out on both fronts, lmao. :')

People don't arouse me, but my kinks arouse me, even when I find them in entirely non-sexual situations. I've tried to even engage with other people who shared some of my kinks, but immediately realized that I just don't like other people involved in my sex.

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I have lots of kinks but I don't like BDSM at all (I support it, but that area of 'play' freaks me out personally) so I feel left out on both fronts, lmao. :')

People don't arouse me, but my kinks arouse me, even when I find them in entirely non-sexual situations. I've tried to even engage with other people who shared some of my kinks, but immediately realized that I just don't like other people involved in my sex.

I like that, aroused by my kinks but not the people. It makes sense to me. For me, I have to have another person involved for it to "work" properly, partially because of the intensity with which I practice.
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My girlfriend is aware of my kinks and although she was iffy about it at first (we're long distance and I explained to her that I had no idea whether I even would want to have sex, or even be comfortable with hand-holding kind of stuff right away, much less get involved in kinkier things) but now she's more used to it and even teases me about it, and I don't mean in a makes-fun-of way. :blush: But I'm still iffy about whether I'd want to involve her in that kind of kink even if I did become very comfortable with her. Well... then again I sometimes feel my kinks so strongly that I think I'd want to try. I'm not sure yet!

I like possessiveness though. That in itself is kind of a kink for me, and that's part of the appeal for my actual fetishes, and it's why I like having a partner who is sexually attracted to me. She gets jealous sometimes and always apologizes for it, but I always feel most attracted to her when she expresses possessiveness over me. It's like a deep emotional fulfillment. :wub:

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My girlfriend is aware of my kinks and although she was iffy about it at first (we're long distance and I explained to her that I had no idea whether I even would want to have sex, or even be comfortable with hand-holding kind of stuff right away, much less get involved in kinkier things) but now she's more used to it and even teases me about it, and I don't mean in a makes-fun-of way. :blush: But I'm still iffy about whether I'd want to involve her in that kind of kink even if I did become very comfortable with her. Well... then again I sometimes feel my kinks so strongly that I think I'd want to try. I'm not sure yet!

I like possessiveness though. That in itself is kind of a kink for me, and that's part of the appeal for my actual fetishes, and it's why I like having a partner who is sexually attracted to me. She gets jealous sometimes and always apologizes for it, but I always feel most attracted to her when she expresses possessiveness over me. It's like a deep emotional fulfillment. :wub:

I feel the same way (to the second part)! Though its important to be able to recognize when possessiveness crosses the line into being controlling. But I love it, and I too want a partner who is sexually attracted to me (for a variety of reasons, some healthier than others). I want to be wanted.
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scarletlatitude

The BDSM thread that is pinned is a great place to ask questions about these things. :) They do have some great conversations in there and it's always nice clean conversations. It doesn't get heated or explicit.

I think everyone has their kinks, to be honest. I think I would enjoy being a domme... but I've never had the opportunity, so I can't say for sure.

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So BDSM and related topics are often referred to as "sexual." I've made and heard arguments that these topics should be referred to as "sensual" because kink can be practiced without including sex acts.

Yeah, this is actually one of the things that I find very difficult to classify.

In part it comes down to what you classify as 'sex' or 'sexual'. On one end of the spectrum, you could define it as acts directly connected to reproductive behaviour, such as penetrative sex, which would essentially rule out any non-heterosexual 'sex'. Or you could expand that a little bit, to include things commonly related to such behaviour, such as various positions or using other pieces of anatomy to reach a climax. Then you'd have most of the vanilla, with most orientations covered.

Then we come to kinks. There's no major problem with meshing it together with the previous behaviour, as, so far, it can merely be considered a bit more variation. At the other end of the spectrum, you could even consider a definition of 'sex' or 'sexual' as any behaviour intended for the purpose of either or both partners reaching an orgasm and/or that causes 'sexual' arousal.

But then we come to the problem with kinks when you explicitly exclude vanilla sex. Because if we include sex-related kinks (involving genitals/orgasm/sexual arousal) in the definition of 'sex', then we'll have a word that can mean mutually exclusive things. For such kinksters, the phrase 'do you want to have sex?' would be meaningless; say yes, and someone would think you were interested in what most people mean by sex, say no, and you'd be inaccurate by that definition.

And then, of course, we come to the entirely non-sexual kinks, which I at least feel are easier to exclude and place into a different category.

I don't know. But I prefer looking at the way language is actually used when judging the meaning to words, and the fact is, from the research I've found, what people consider 'sex' (25%) and 'sexual partners' (60%) quickly drop off around oral sex, while interestingly enough, there's a significant differentiation with regards to faithfulness (97%), which further supports the separation of sexual interactions from romantic interactions. Whether orgasm is accomplished or not does affect the interpretation to some extent, but just a few percentage points. (reference: What Is Sex? Students' Definitions of Having Sex, Sexual Partner, and Unfaithful Sexual Behaviour, By Randall, Hilary E.; Byers, E. Sandra)

So, from the purely linguistic perspective, I'd argue that separating BDSM and kink out of the realm of 'sexual' makes more sense than conflating them, even in those cases that there is an erotic component in specific play.

For me, I experience arousal from kink, and feel some kind of attraction to people who I believe would be good play partners--this is the strongest type of attraction I feel. It's clearly not sexual attraction, but its similar; it's a pull towards the person, and a strong, but often fleeting, desire to play with them.

For context: I have a sex drive, but _no_ desire to engage in it with other people, and limited/no sexual attraction to others.

What are your experiences? For practitioners willing to share, do you experience sexual arousal from kinky acts/thoughts? Do you have "kink"-attraction?

Yes, I do get some form of arousal from some kink situations.

I have lots of kinks but I don't like BDSM at all (I support it, but that area of 'play' freaks me out personally) so I feel left out on both fronts, lmao. :')

People don't arouse me, but my kinks arouse me, even when I find them in entirely non-sexual situations. I've tried to even engage with other people who shared some of my kinks, but immediately realized that I just don't like other people involved in my sex.

Indeed. Actually having other people involved may not necessarily add to the experience.

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