Grey / Ace vs internalised homophobia

[milkyway]

So, I do not know whether I am biromantic or homoromantic, but I am definitely attracted to women romantically. I have also been sexually attracted to ONE woman in my whole life, about 7 years ago (I am 26). You'd think by now, I'd have figured everything out and consider myself a homoromantic greyasexual... expect it's not that easy!

I was never raised in an environment that is against sex, was never encouraged to be abstinent or anything, so I can pretty much rule out the infamous "sex repressed environment = late bloomer" (which I think is a superficial way of seeing what a sex repressed environment might lead to, but whatever).

I don't think I'll be the only one here wondering whether I so rarely feel sexual attraction / don't feel it at all considering that we are never told this can happen, but at the same time... I am not straight and it makes everything a bit more complicated.

I realised I loved girls when I was 12, I was scared and hated myself for years. I am still in the closet, which according to many people means that I am repressed and is the reason why I am so rarely sexually attracted to anyone. I suffered from something close to depression for 3 years and had a crush on a woman after that, but it was not sexual at all even when I tried to think about sex, it was just not happening.

I am afraid of calling myself greyasexual because while I do think that makes me allosexual, I don't think most people are so rarely attracted to other people (none of my friends are like that) and become a "traitor" if I ever realise it was internalised homophobia... and I am afraid of considering it internalised homophobia and force myself to discover my sexual attraction and end up in bad relationships.

Does anyone else have this problem? Did you figured it out?

[Archon]

Have people actually said that being in the closet makes you rarely sexually attracted to anyone? Really? That's ridiculous. Someone who is in the closet is in the closet because they're aware of what they are. Plus, lots of people end up in the closet because they don't feel sexual attraction.

Graysexual is between allosexual and asexual, so whether you think of yourself as more allo or more ace or in the middle is up to you. It is true that most people experience sexual attraction actually quite often, certainly to more than to one person in their life.

So I think you're wondering if you are graysexual because of internalized homophobia? Well if that was true, wouldn't that keep you from feeling romantic attraction to women too? But you're definitely attracted to women romantically. So no, I don't think it's internalized homophobia. Plus, you would probably experience sexual attraction still anyway if that were the case.

By the way, people generally start feeling sexual attraction pretty young (around puberty it seems) and you're 26. You're waaay past being a late bloomer. And some people do experience changes in sexuality later on, but these changes are as likely to occur for someone who is asexual as for someone who is homosexual or any other sexual orientation.

My advice is to identify as however you feel now, and don't worry about how you will feel in the future, because if you do feel differently then you can just identify differently then. :)

[milkyway]

I don't thnk I'm a late bloomer either, I used to becaus that's pretty much what I was being told... but now? I'm a bit too old for that.

And yes, I have been told that me being in the closet was a sign of internalised homophobia and probably the "cause" of my almost non existent sexuality. I have also been told I was slut-shaming people by merely explaining that I was afraid to date and make people waste their time if they were hoping for something mor than a romantic relationship or even just a close friendship. But I bet most of you already heard that kind of thing?

I guess, for some people, romantic attraction is less "real" than sexual attraction so that's why I was told to make sure I wasn't just secretely homophobic (and I have been, as I told you, I was so scared of myself at first).

It's really hard to fit in or understand who you are when people are constantly accusing others of homophobia and / or biphobia. I'm scared of being biphobic if I consider myself gay because I don't really know whether I can love a man or not, I'm scared of being homophobic if I consider myself bi "just in case" and I'm terribly scared of being acephobic if I end up being sexually attracted to more people one day.

[Meudwen]

[...] I have been told that me being in the closet was a sign of internalised homophobia and probably the "cause" of my almost non existent sexuality. I have also been told I was slut-shaming people by merely explaining that I was afraid to date and make people waste their time if they were hoping for something mor than a romantic relationship or even just a close friendship. But I bet most of you already heard that kind of thing?

I guess, for some people, romantic attraction is less "real" than sexual attraction so that's why I was told to make sure I wasn't just secretely homophobic (and I have been, as I told you, I was so scared of myself at first).

It's really hard to fit in or understand who you are when people are constantly accusing others of homophobia and / or biphobia. I'm scared of being biphobic if I consider myself gay because I don't really know whether I can love a man or not, I'm scared of being homophobic if I consider myself bi "just in case" and I'm terribly scared of being acephobic if I end up being sexually attracted to more people one day.

Those people are cruel and stupid. You are confused about yourself, not homophobic or anything-phobic. If you were homophobic not only would you not be comfortable with questioning your own sexuality in this kind of open and honest way, but you'd probably go as far to be rude to other people about their sexuality as well. Which is what these people have done to you, so they are acephobic. I'm so angry to hear that you've been through this crap, I'm so sorry for you. Given that you have to encounter people like this in your life, it's no wonder why you feel afraid and unsure.

I would suggest that you take some time to think about how you feel about men vs how you feel about women. That will help you start to sort out whether you are bi or not. There are several types of attraction - go through the list and think about what types you feel / have felt for men and which types you feel / have felt for women.

Platonic - want to be friends with, hang out

Emotional - attracted to emotionally (deeper than friendship?)

Aesthetic - find the person to be beautiful

Romantic - want to date the person

Sensual - want to have sensual contact with (hugging, cuddling, caressing), but not sexual

Sexual - want to have sexual contact with

ETA: I almost forgot to say, even if you do experience sexual attraction later on and no longer feel that 'asexual' or 'grey asexual' suits you, that is absolutely fine. You can use whatever label feels right for you, when it feels right for you, and change whenever your feelings change.

If asexual best suits you at this time in your life, we're happy to have you!

[scarletlatitude]

The good thing about labels is that you get to pick your own label. No one else is holding your label maker. If you want, you can even throw your label maker out the window and have no labels. It's all your choice. :)

I am nearly the same age as you, and I have never ever ever ever ever ever ever for never ever EVER had sexual attraction to anyone. Never. At all. Could I change and develop sexual feelings toward someone in the future? Maybe. But I know for sure that I will never be 100% allosexual.

[milkyway]

Is it still acephobic if they were supportive of aces but only treated me like this because I mentioned this one person who seems to be an exception, though?

Well, from what I've seen people consider that greyasexuals are "like everyone else but think they are special" anyway, I guess they can't imagine that by saying that sexual attraction is a rare thing for us, we are not saying that they must be sexually attracted to someone every single day!

Anyway, you are probably right (or I do hope so), why would I embrace my romantic attraction to women if I were actually homophobic? I guess I'm really in the grey area. Thanks!

[a new me]

Is it still acephobic if they were supportive of aces but only treated me like this because I mentioned this one person who seems to be an exception, though?

Well, from what I've seen people consider that greyasexuals are "like everyone else but think they are special" anyway, I guess they can't imagine that by saying that sexual attraction is a rare thing for us, we are not saying that they must be sexually attracted to someone every single day!

Anyway, you are probably right (or I do hope so), why would I embrace my romantic attraction to women if I were actually homophobic? I guess I'm really in the grey area. Thanks!

Gosh, that makes me angry to read too. I'm sorry that you have had to go through that.

Not saying this is necessarily you, but a lot of people realize they are homosexual (or bi or pan or whatever) and because of beliefs they grew up with or the culture around them, it makes them feel badly about themselves. If people around them think that it's unnatural or morally wrong, then of course it's going to be harder for them to come to terms with.

But here's the kicker, feeling badly about yourselves or homophobic won't stop those feelings. You are still going to have those romantic and sexual feelings (or lack thereof) regardless of how you view them. I guess what I'm trying to say is that repressing something or hating it won't make it go away. The best way of coping with it is to embrace it and to find people who will embrace you.And like a few others have already said, if you really were homophobic, you probably wouldn't be here discussing it so openly.

And to people who say "greys just think they're special" that's totally wrong. As a grey-ace myself, sometimes I think that there is a half-in-half-out feeling in both the sexual community and the asexual community. When you're in the middle I think it makes it harder to gauge "how sexual is sexual" and "how asexual is asexual" and to decide where you fit in. It is a unique experience that is different than others in the spectrum and it's just as valid as any other orientation.

[Autumn Season]

@ Archon and Meudwen: Your posts made my day. :3 Thanks for being awesome.

@ milkyway: I hope things get easier with time. It can be confusing to make sense of our emotions. ^^ But it seems like you're honest with yourself, which is the road to success!