Should I just have sex?

[Frozen Fairy]

I hate being asexual. I always thought that I would get married and have kids one day but it looks highly unlikely right now. I don't know if I can live with that. So I'm wondering if I should just put myself out there to try to 'get over' my asexuality. In the age of the Internet there are lots of ooptions. What should I do?

[Sirah-loves-cake]

Bae, there's nothing that says you can't be asexual and have a family. At the end of the day, it's just a label. If you want a family, please go for it; there are many asexual people who have families.

Just be careful and find someone who loves you and who will stop if you ask him to. Asexuality may not be a choice, but having sex is.

Good luck, and have some cake <3

[Cuddles-And-Cake?]

Sirah is right, only you can make that decision and if you get into a relationship it has to be with someone who is going to treat you properly and care for you.

I'm drawn to female company and although (mechanically) I'm perfectly able to "function" I simply do not desire or seek "it", which I have found can lead to misunderstandings.

Just be careful and take precautions to protect yourself.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

You shouldn't ever just do something because other people want you to, it will hurt you, and it will also not make you "get over" your asexuality. If anything, feeling forced into it is likely to make you more averse to it in future.

You can have a family, but there are so many other options than just intercourse - adoption, IVF, turkey baster (I'm sorry if that's offensive, I don't know the proper term)... You also never have to consent to sex regardless of what your partner wants; it might take longer, but eventually you'll find a partner who is respectful and compatible enough to either wait (until you're ready) or find another option.

[allrightalready]

at least for me "doing it" did not "fix" it and it only got me used by people and left me feeling empty and hurt.

[regithier]

I think in the long run you'll be very unhappy if you do it JUST to have kids/a family. I'm in the position you hope to be in. I have a daughter and a husband, and I'm not quite miserable, but I'm not happy.

I feel bad I can't offer my husband exactly what he wants, it's even to the point we're going to counselling and considering divorce. If you want a baby, no one said you needed a man to do that, however if you want a husband AND a baby you should wait for the right man to come along who understands your asexuality, or maybe you 2 could compromise with an open relationship to satisfy his sexual needs?

[milkyway]

First, I think it is really important not to see asexuality as a way to prevent you from having a family. I see that you also are aromantic? Then it's not such a big deal either! It may not be usual, but some people do marry their closest friend and raise a family with them because this kind of bond can be very fullfilling.

As for kids? I don't think you have to have sex to have one. You can adopt or use other methods to have a family. It won't be conventional, but forcing yourself to fit in the norm when it is not natural for you will not bring you happiness.

There are plenty of ways to have a meaningful relationship (open or not) and a family.

[Frozen Fairy]

I don't have a close friend like that through...

[D-Ace]

It may be hard to make friends but even if you had a family in the conventional way wouldn't you still want it to be with someone you considered your best friend and someone you could be with the rest of your life? Not just somone you begrudgingly had sex with to get pregnant? The "I should have sex to get it over with" attitude never works whether sexual or asexual. Sex won't be enjoyable unless you want to do it or are 100% comfortable with a person in any case. There are many ways to make a family but making sure it starts out in a happy and loving way will be a much better foundation than just doing it. Try going to some asexual meet ups in your area and see how others are feeling about wanting kids and a family and how they plan to attain those goals in the future. I guarantee you are not alone in your worries about being an ace and wanting a family. Start from a place of love and mutual commitment and the kids will come in some way or another if it is something that you and your partner both want, even if you don't want to have sex.

[scarletlatitude]

Asexual doesn't mean that you can't ever have sex or have a family. Asexual just means you don't desire sexual activities. Asexual people can still have families and have sexual partners. Some of us prefer to never have either, but that's definitely not true for everyone.

It seems to me that the kind of sex you are seeking is sex that comes from a relationship with someone. Just having sex with anyone for the sake of "getting it over with" won't solve your problem. I know waiting sucks. Especially for females, the world makes us believe that you HAVE TO have sex or a family by a certain time or else your time is up and you'll never get it back. Don't believe that. You have time. (I am nearly 10 years older than you. You have loads of time.)

From personal experience, don't try to force relationships to happen. They never work out. I know, I've tried 4 times. The best relationships, and the kinds you really want, are the kind that develop out of time, love, and compassion. Otherwise they just want you for a booty call. They'll use you like some kind of dish rag and then leave you, and you don't want that. Trust me. (Disclaimer: Not attacking any particular gender here. That's just what I've seen.)