EccentricAce# Posted September 29, 2015 Share Posted September 29, 2015 Hi, About four/five years ago when someone asked me what my sexual orientation is I was so confused. I never really thought about having sex with someone until then. I have never masturbated. I wasn't really interested to try it even when my friend told me to do it. I do watch porn smetimes; I fantasize and have orgasm that doesn't last longer. When I tell my friends about it, they find me weird. I had two encounters with men. I enjoyed hugging them but didn't allow them to have sex with me because I wasn't comfortable/was rather scared. They were really disappointed. I loved one of them deeply. Since then I haven't kissed or hugged anyone. Now even when someone flirts with me or tries to have sex chat with me, I don't enjoy it. I tell them I'm a lesbian though I'm not one. My parents took me to a psychologist because I wasn't showing any interest in getting married. They thought I am scared of having sex and it needs to be sorted out. When the psychologist asked me if m attracted towards men/women, I told her I don't need anyone to satisfy me physically and that I can satisfy myself. I keep asking my friends if it is a must to have sex post-marriage. The whole idea of sex and pregnancy scares me. Deep inside me I feel my marriage is going to be a disaster because I feel I can't satisfy any man. Lol. Am I asexual or is it just a fear of intimacy? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Meudwen Posted September 29, 2015 Share Posted September 29, 2015 The way you explain things, it sounds like you're probably scared to have sex and scared of pregnancy because you're not interested in having it and don't want those things. Not the other way around. And in such a sex-based world, it can make you feel like it's a life requirement whether you want it or not, and of course that is a terrifying thought. It's not a requirement, though. You don't need to have sex or get pregnant. You do not have to get married or even date anyone. It's all up to you, regardless of what anyone else says. Watching porn and getting off on that isn't that odd because many asexuals still have a libido that at least occasionally needs to be relieved, so it's just a normal physical need in that sense. And like you said, you can handle that need on your own and don't see a reason to involve anyone else in it. It sounds like you have yourself figured out pretty well, your friends and family are the ones who need to understand that you're fine the way you are. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
EccentricAce# Posted September 29, 2015 Author Share Posted September 29, 2015 Hahaha. Can't really explain;-) I figured that out myself. Thanks for your responses:-) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
kitsuneyaro Posted September 29, 2015 Share Posted September 29, 2015 In the end you're the only one who can label yourself. But I'd say, not even having thought about having or wanting sex before, is a pretty big sign of asexuality. And the response you gave to your psychologist? Didn't you do it in a matter-of-fact kind of way? Like I felt myself like it was weird that they didn't ever seem to put that as an option. It's weird that they think of sex so much. An asexual person can still want cuddles, and they can still want love. It's just that there's no interest in the sex part. They can HAVE it, but it's more like feeling you wouldn't mind being without it for the rest of your life, if that makes sense. Do you feel like it describes you? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Blue Phoenix Ace Posted September 29, 2015 Share Posted September 29, 2015 Does the avoidance of intimacy cause you distress? In other words, do you truthfully deep down desire intimacy but feel blocked by something? If so, that might be an indicator of fear. On the other hand, if you feel no desire for intimacy, then it's not fear but simply lack of interest. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
EccentricAce# Posted September 30, 2015 Author Share Posted September 30, 2015 @kitsuneyaro I think that sort of describes me. I have always wanted to be loved by someone. But most of the men I came across so far want to have sex with me. That puts me off coz I am thinking of a relationship which is beyond sex and nobody understands that. And everyone tries to convince me that we can't live without sex and that it is essential in a relationship. Thank you anyway:-) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
EccentricAce# Posted September 30, 2015 Author Share Posted September 30, 2015 @DJ Ace: Well, avoidance of intimacy doesn't put me in distress. I'm just afraid I might get hurt because of the other person. So I'm kind of not getting close to anyone. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Nidwin Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 That puts me off coz I am thinking of a relationship which is beyond sex and nobody understands that. And everyone tries to convince me that we can't live without sex and that it is essential in a relationship. We, Aven community, do understand that, no worries. Sexuals who have become sexually intoxicated and addicted to it, through time and space, can't properly live or imagine a life without sex. It seems that we, aces, are actually immune to sex addiction and can have a happy life without having to worry about the big thing. Welcome btw to the Aven club Quote Link to post Share on other sites
kitsuneyaro Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 MadVid! We CAN live without sex! Life without sex is GREAT. If sexuals are too much for you, try and look for an asexual partner? :D Try to not feel so down about it. I think it's a good thing you found your way here. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SkyWorld Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 Not all sexuals are "addicted" to sex. It's a real addiction... and if we're being technical, the word "addiction" is often 1) overused and 2) misused, it's way more serious and clinical. Perhaps a better term would be "obsessed" and even so, not all sexuals are "obsessed" with sex. Some actually do have an actual lower sex drive than others. Happiness can be different for each individual. Just because someone can be happy without sex doesn't necessarily mean that they are "happier" than the next person who is sexually active, and vice versa. They can be equally happy, just in a different way, and that's okay. From what I've seen, mixed-orientation relationships can be very complicated, but it's not impossible to have a mixed relationship and for both (or more) parties be satisfied. It just seems that it would take a lot of work, commitment, and compromise to the relationship, and even so, it doesn't always work out. Then again, that statement can be applied to any relationship right? <-- Look who's talking. I shouldn't be talking, I've never been in any kind of relationship (yet speaks from observation). Anyways, finding another asexual may increase those chances of a happy relationship, but remember that there's always way more to a person than just their sexual orientation (or lack thereof), and maybe their personality "isn't so great". Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Nidwin Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 @Sky I've tried to cheer up MadVid with that addiction stuff of mine, bit of a joking attitude and nothing to take too seriously. Sorry if that wasn't obvious enough, my mistake. I think a mixed relationship can certainly work if both involved persons understand asexuality and agree that sex isn't going to be the centre of intimacy. Being aro-ace doesn't mean I can't have sex or I can't be romantic, it just mean I don't experience those impulses, sexual and romantic attraction, to anyone. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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