Why Am I so sexually mad in my dreams?

[Demi-Marko]

In my sleep I would have only heterosexual sex dreams (me and another female in oral (always me receiving) or main vaginal intercourse sex act) this were mostly vivid dreams.

In this dreams I was also feeling a bit wild, in control, I enjoy seeing pleasure from the other person, always going straight to the point, no pre-play. Heck If I was to realize I had vivid dreams I would go search for a female to do it in a heartbeat because the heat made it feel so real, its incredible.

But when I was awoke from those dreams, I would not have this great sex drive. I would accept this dreams, not as nightmares but as something I would wanna dream more often because I like them.

But Its like my dream is telling me something, in a way I'm little sex repulses to some specific acts, but I feel its my lack of experience thats making it so. The fear of scaring the person I love If i was to get over my head while having sex with her. But I just don't have that sex drive to know if this is possible, because in my dreams that seems to be who I am. But where is my libido to achieve that? I have very low libido.

Also when i had straight to the point sex dreams while I sleep it would be with woman I never knew.

But when I had a dream of my girlfriend it would be starting with a simple magnet to her, following up with kiss while going outside holding hands, more romantic ones. Nothing wild at all.

On the deep end I do think my dreams indicate my inner-desires. I like roleplay. I talk to my girlfriend about this. Playing a roleplaying game, acting like a victim, having a story behind it, feeling like I'm in control while still loving that person, knowing its all just an act. No 50 shades of grey, no tight ropes, nothing that hurts, but more about the idea of her playing a character that doesn't want it, a stranger, and yet start to love it. Like a desperation resulting in force against her will resulting in the that person that was forced feeling the joy in the end and accepting the person. Understanding he just wanted to feel a woman.This roleplay would be without any pain involved outside playing making it feel real as it can get, and exciting.

I don't know but I feel normal way about sex would be less exciting. I'm not asking for mask, I don't like those, just a crazy act.

But this could never made me Asexual? Could asexual still have desires to do with her loved one that is very sexual but sex still isn't on my to do list somehow. Somehow romance is more.

Its like I have this fetish of roleplaying with a person I love that I would really wanna do, even with low sex drive.

but what would that made me? Wouldn't this go against everything that is Asexual. I mean its the normal sex that I don't feel all that much craving for, roleplaying is somewhat different for me as I feel it would boost my low sex drive and gave sex an actual interest.

[SkyWorld]

Moved this thread from Asexual Q&A to The Grey Area.

SkyWorld

Asexual Q&A Co-Moderator

[Meudwen]

Dreams are just dreams. Sex dreams especially can be meaningless and just mean that you were feeling aroused. You could have a dream you had wild sex with your friend's grandmother and it doesn't mean you actually want to. Your subconscious can just get weird. They only have meaning if you think that they do, because you will know best what the dream means to you.

It could be that you are dreaming of thing that you would never want to do, or just are scared to do. Sometimes dreams can manifest fear, or alternatively they could free you from inhibition and give you a place to really be as wild as you never dare to be in real life. If you think that your dreams are something you want to try in real life, then that is perfectly fine. It is fine to have a fetish. It's also possible to have fetishes even if you are asexual. Sexual behavior is not the same as sexual attraction, and I could see how desperation and force and helplessness could be appealing even in a way that isn't necessarily sexual. Emotional, maybe.

It's hard for me to tell from this, whether or not your fantasies would exclude you from being considered asexual or not. You could be asexual, you could be demi-sexual, you could just have a low libido, or only an interest in sex under certain circumstances (like your fetish)

Some things to think about:

-- Have you ever felt sexual attraction? That is the big question. Make sure you don't confuse sexual attraction with aesthetic or romantic. If you have never felt this, you are probably asexual. If you aren't sure and have a hard time wondering if you have ever felt sexual attraction, you probably haven't. If you have felt sexual attraction once in a great while, that would possibly be grey-asexuality.

-- Are your fetishes fantasy only, or do you really want to act them out? This can be hard to decide until you actually try. I have kinks and fetishes of my own, to the point where I thought I'd want to try them with someone, only to realize that they were fantasy only.

I can't help much more from this post alone, and ultimately it is up to you to decide anyway, not anyone else. :)

[borealmist]

Its like I have this fetish of roleplaying with a person I love that I would really wanna do, even with low sex drive.

but what would that made me? Wouldn't this go against everything that is Asexual. I mean its the normal sex that I don't feel all that much craving for, roleplaying is somewhat different for me as I feel it would boost my low sex drive and gave sex an actual interest.

It makes you human. Labels aren't who we are, they're simply something we use to make communication easier.

The definition of asexuality is a bit tricky with things like this. I prefer to consider 'sexual attraction' with regards to asexuality to be the stricter definition only including what people generally consider 'sex' and 'sexual', which usually does not include fetishes, ie, you can be asexual as the attraction to certain fetishes doesn't quite qualify as sexual attraction. For most communication it's simply most practical to use the label that way as it will be accurate more often than not, so you can expand it into the grey area when getting into details.

Dreams in themselves are just dreams, and ultimately they have no more meaning than what you choose to give them; they can reflect drives or desires, but they can also be just random what-if's or your brain processing impressions from outside. It could just as well be your brain testing out how it would be to play out a role you feel society considers to be archetypical 'manly' as it could be driven by an innate desire.

The roleplay you describe is certainly common enough though. Communicate clearly with your partner and read up on how to handle issues that can occur, talk about how it affects both of you emotionally and work out how to separate immersion in the play from reality of having fun with a loving partner. Such fantasies can play into both desires and fears, so it's important to be wary for signs that you're getting too much emotional effect too fast, for both parties; the 'aggressive' partner can get as upset about suddenly thinking he or she actually caused harm or about finding themselves doing something they consider unacceptable, as a 'victim' can get about suddenly feeling violated. The emotional immersion can mean that even if it's just fantasy, the emotions can still be experienced as real, so you both have to be prepared to react to something feeling 'too' real for the other. Take it slow if you don't feel comfortable with gauging each others feelings in the start.

In general I think it's a good idea to explore alternate ways of having a satisfying 'sex' life when vanilla isn't interesting. Maybe exploring this will give you some great experiences, maybe it will get you interested in other things or maybe it will turn out that you enjoyed it more when not playing it out, but either way it will let you learn more about yourself.

[Demi-Marko]

Dreams are just dreams. Sex dreams especially can be meaningless and just mean that you were feeling aroused. You could have a dream you had wild sex with your friend's grandmother and it doesn't mean you actually want to. Your subconscious can just get weird. They only have meaning if you think that they do, because you will know best what the dream means to you.

It could be that you are dreaming of thing that you would never want to do, or just are scared to do. Sometimes dreams can manifest fear, or alternatively they could free you from inhibition and give you a place to really be as wild as you never dare to be in real life. If you think that your dreams are something you want to try in real life, then that is perfectly fine. It is fine to have a fetish. It's also possible to have fetishes even if you are asexual. Sexual behavior is not the same as sexual attraction, and I could see how desperation and force and helplessness could be appealing even in a way that isn't necessarily sexual. Emotional, maybe.

It's hard for me to tell from this, whether or not your fantasies would exclude you from being considered asexual or not. You could be asexual, you could be demi-sexual, you could just have a low libido, or only an interest in sex under certain circumstances (like your fetish)

Some things to think about:

-- Have you ever felt sexual attraction? That is the big question. Make sure you don't confuse sexual attraction with aesthetic or romantic. If you have never felt this, you are probably asexual. If you aren't sure and have a hard time wondering if you have ever felt sexual attraction, you probably haven't. If you have felt sexual attraction once in a great while, that would possibly be grey-asexuality.

-- Are your fetishes fantasy only, or do you really want to act them out? This can be hard to decide until you actually try. I have kinks and fetishes of my own, to the point where I thought I'd want to try them with someone, only to realize that they were fantasy only.

I can't help much more from this post alone, and ultimately it is up to you to decide anyway, not anyone else.

Appreciate your feedback.

To the question you asked.

- Sexual attraction? No, I would get confused if somebody asked me that when I was younger. You're right. I have hard time coming to an answer because I can't seem to know how that really feels like, maybe I had it at some point, but I think that was craving, but I can't say for sure.

But I did experience romantic attraction towards few women in my life. Things that mostly happen on the spot. Rather quick but I can remember all of them.

I've also realize that aesthetic attraction would get extra tricky for me because facially males would be winning this score, but on the aspect of body it would be females. I feel Internet raise my fake standards towards women which I doubt I even have, because my girlfriend before I knew her I could only see her past few pictures and she wasn't that great in them (not that attractive) in her pictures that were taken by her friends, but after getting to know her more and seeing her in real, it swapped completely, and I even today I cant say what makes her stand out so much, attraction was there, its a real mystery. Not being in delusion, I saw her flaws first day and I accepted them all because its part of her, what she consider weakness in physical flaws I consider her strength for it makes her more messed up in a good way, as nobody is perfect. May as well be as imperfect as we can be and smile :)

Right now she is the only person I can see myself sharing bed with. Other would make me run...

Last question: Yes, If my girlfriend said... okay, lets play that game. I know in my heart I would felt more excitement. Its something about reach emotions in those acts, like seeing her make scary face and accepting etc. its triggering just thinking at it. The trill of the act, I would wanna do most definitely, but only with her and only if she allows us too.