Were any of you sexually abused (potential triggers)

[cake_lover]

Yes. But I don't think that's the reason for my asexuality. I have thought a lot about this on whether there could be a connection, maybe something deeply embedded in the sub conscious. Chances are low though.

[scarletlatitude]

Anti violence resources, if anyone is interested: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/118532-anti-violence-resource/

There's lots of good links there to get help or to get someone to talk to, if you find yourself in one of these situations and want some help. :)

Resharing this link in case anyone needs it. Feel free to share with any other AVENties.

[scordatura]

I was sexually abused over a few months when I was 13 (back in 1989; I'm older than a lot of people here). It's how I lost my virginity. I know he was the reason I subsequently slept with anything that moved, more or less, because it was a way of being in control of other people (even if it was only long enough to get them off) or to get people to like me (because obviously sex was the only thing I was good for, or so I thought at the time). He's also most likely the reason I've never been able to orgasm with a partner. I don't know how much of my current sexuality is related to the abuse from him and other abusers later on, but I have no desire to "fix" myself in therapy. Doesn't matter why I feel the way I do, and right now I'm happy so it seems pointless to spend counseling time on it.

[a new me]

I was sexually abused over a few months when I was 13 (back in 1989; I'm older than a lot of people here). It's how I lost my virginity. I know he was the reason I subsequently slept with anything that moved, more or less, because it was a way of being in control of other people (even if it was only long enough to get them off) or to get people to like me (because obviously sex was the only thing I was good for, or so I thought at the time). He's also most likely the reason I've never been able to orgasm with a partner. I don't know how much of my current sexuality is related to the abuse from him and other abusers later on, but I have no desire to "fix" myself in therapy. Doesn't matter why I feel the way I do, and right now I'm happy so it seems pointless to spend counseling time on it.

I can totally relate to this too. I was in a relaionship for two years in high school (way before learning about asexuality) that was verbally, emotionally, and sexually abusive. It started out with him pressuring me but then when he started noticing that I wasn't into it he would tell me there was somthing wrong with me. He said that "normal" girls would like what he was doing and eventually he got physically forceful about it. When we broke up I felt the same way about myself, like sex was the only thing I was good for. I slept with alot of people that I shouldn't have trying to convince myself that I wanted it and that I didn't care.

Not at all justifying what happened or blaming myself (because I know now that it was never my fault), but looking back I think that if I had enjoyed sex with him a lot of other abusue wouldn't have happened in the first place. To answer the question, I was already on the asexual spectrum before.

[Semtex in August]

Yes, I was sexually abused and for a long time I fantasized of very creative horrible violet ways to inflict harm on the person that did these things to me. But I came to the realization that the anger and the pain that I was carrying was only causing damage to one person. And that person was....Me so gradually I was able to let that go.

Am I asexual because of what happened? Who knows. What I do know is that being anything else is living a lie. Whatever the cause / origin of my relationship to sex. Today/ now it is an honest true part of me. I guess I got tired of looking for the cause and instead just try to understand myself today.

[Crimstar]

I was abused as a child from the ages of about 5 or 6 to about fourteen-ish by a family member. It is primarily one of the reasons that I am having trouble figuring myself out. I am having trouble figuring out how much of my feelings regarding sex with other people is the result of trauma, and how much of it is because of my orientation. I feel the label I have been identifying under (demi) is fairly correct, but It may change as I explore things more.

[interpol]

Yes, I was.

But I am not exactly asexual, so I don't know if that counts.

If you want to know the details, you may PM me. It's not as bad as some other people, but it did change me forever.

[Guest]

I think my case really wasn't that bad because while wrong and there's no defense for it, they didn't really emotionally manipulate me (that I can remember), or become violent or anything. I was a little kid and had no idea what was going on. I think my parents were more traumatized than I was, once they found out. I don't know...am I just weird?

[interpol]

I was emotionally scarred for life after that incident and I also was taught that sex is something that women should NOT enjoy, and if they do there is something wrong with them.

[Niliinvas]

I wasn't sexually abused (that i can remember anyway lmao) but there were a lot of times when it could have happened. My family had not one but three pedophiles in it, and there are people in my family who have been sexually assaulted/abused by them. One of them even worked at my elementary school for a week before my mom got his ass out of there.

I am, however, mega sex-repulsed. As in i'd rather die than be raped/have sex with anyone. I have very strong feelings and reactions to sex/nudity (working on the nudity one atm...)

it don't really play much into my asexuality, though. I don't feel sexual attraction, so I use the label. Simple as that.

Damn, this thread got me wondering if I was sexually abused... I really hope not...

[Guest]

Is it weird that I was sexually assaulted, but don't feel traumatized by it? Like, no, it's a blessing that I didn't suffer any emotional damage that I remember, but it always makes me feel kind of out of sorts whenever the topic is brought up.

This might be a little TW, but:

In my case, it was a member of immediate family, I don't remember holding it against him--him doing something bad didn't translate to him being a bad person to me. It happened more than once. I remember what happened, even some of the thoughts I was having at the time.

I don't even know that I realized it was bad until my parents found out about it and got upset. I don't remember how they found out about it, just that they did. My mom tried to ask me what happened exactly, but I was too embarrassed to tell her much and didn't cooperate very well with that. I know I did see a counselor or somebody with credentials about it for a period of time and they asked me questions like how did I feel about it and about the person who did it.

I knew it was a bad thing, but it wasn't until years later that I truly understood what had happened and WHY it was bad. It's kinda disturbing to think back on, because I was a kid and simply did not have a concept of consent so that I couldn't give it. But when people say that that kind of thing messes you up for life I wonder just a little if something is wrong with me because I do not feel like it changed me or affected me majorly.

[andreas1033]

I seriously doubt many is going to answer this very personal question.

Although it may lead to asexuality, i for one think its too personal to talk about on the net.

[Bezzy-Loo]

Is it weird that I was sexually assaulted, but don't feel traumatized by it? Like, no, it's a blessing that I didn't suffer any emotional damage that I remember, but it always makes me feel kind of out of sorts whenever the topic is brought up.

This might be a little TW, but:

In my case, it was a member of immediate family, I don't remember holding it against him--him doing something bad didn't translate to him being a bad person to me. It happened more than once. I remember what happened, even some of the thoughts I was having at the time.

I don't even know that I realized it was bad until my parents found out about it and got upset. I don't remember how they found out about it, just that they did. My mom tried to ask me what happened exactly, but I was too embarrassed to tell her much and didn't cooperate very well with that. I know I did see a counselor or somebody with credentials about it for a period of time and they asked me questions like how did I feel about it and about the person who did it.

I knew it was a bad thing, but it wasn't until years later that I truly understood what had happened and WHY it was bad. It's kinda disturbing to think back on, because I was a kid and simply did not have a concept of consent so that I couldn't give it. But when people say that that kind of thing messes you up for life I wonder just a little if something is wrong with me because I do not feel like it changed me or affected me majorly.

It's much the same for me. It happened, I didn't really understand it, and I never held it against the person. In my case, I don't think they really understood it either beyond a misguided "this is a thing that people do." Most of my discomfort about it comes from the stigma rather than the experience.

[Guest]

Is it weird that I was sexually assaulted, but don't feel traumatized by it? Like, no, it's a blessing that I didn't suffer any emotional damage that I remember, but it always makes me feel kind of out of sorts whenever the topic is brought up.

This might be a little TW, but:

In my case, it was a member of immediate family, I don't remember holding it against him--him doing something bad didn't translate to him being a bad person to me. It happened more than once. I remember what happened, even some of the thoughts I was having at the time.

I don't even know that I realized it was bad until my parents found out about it and got upset. I don't remember how they found out about it, just that they did. My mom tried to ask me what happened exactly, but I was too embarrassed to tell her much and didn't cooperate very well with that. I know I did see a counselor or somebody with credentials about it for a period of time and they asked me questions like how did I feel about it and about the person who did it.

I knew it was a bad thing, but it wasn't until years later that I truly understood what had happened and WHY it was bad. It's kinda disturbing to think back on, because I was a kid and simply did not have a concept of consent so that I couldn't give it. But when people say that that kind of thing messes you up for life I wonder just a little if something is wrong with me because I do not feel like it changed me or affected me majorly.

It's much the same for me. It happened, I didn't really understand it, and I never held it against the person. In my case, I don't think they really understood it either beyond a misguided "this is a thing that people do." Most of my discomfort about it comes from the stigma rather than the experience.

The person in my case had no excuse. (Though I think teenage curiosity may have been involved. At first, anyway.) I wasn't physically harmed and they didn't emotionally manipulate me either, that I can remember. Which is probably why I don't feel too upset about it and didn't/don't hold it against them, other than realizing later on that it was messed up. That and I don't believe they are the same person they were back then.

It's nice to know I'm not the only one who wasn't all that affected by it. I mean, I know it's a serious issue and there usually is at least emotional damage. I'm not trying to downplay that or anything.

[blak]

I was abused, but that did not make me repulsed, it actually clouded my ability to figure out my asexuality, and I operated on things I was told I was "supposed to do", it was not until my mind slowed down enough for me to look at my life, and I could remember more, then I realized my asexuality.

[Ian H]

I find this discussion incredible and thank the people involved so much. I am a Demi, I realise it has been full on throughout my entire adult life. Sorry to say I was raped as a child, repeatedly and left in a coal she's not big enough to lay down in. Not sure why but my only

Company was a dead dog left there. Despite tabbing it away and telling the police I was taken back and told not to have the police running all over. I eventually got away and the relief was so great I actually flourished as a human being. The first time I attempted sex was a complete failure. I then realised I could not even begin to think innit unless I actually loved the other person, then it was great! I have had two quite long term relationships and two utter disasters, all of which at the very beginning I explained my need for trust and emotion. The

Last two resulted in what I can only describe as quite awful abuse in that it gave them a green light to do what they wanted with others knowing I would come back Like a puppy.

The Demi thing was pointed out to me randomly last year, and I was actually quite proud it seemed to sum me up. I thought it was confirmation that I was a good person, that I had never abused or hurt anyone emotionally. I now see it as then end for me, I really do see it as a curse. The fact that all my creativity, all my art was taking

Off and being begged for I believe came

From my need to provide for my Loved ones. Whenever the sun shines I would do my work and stand chatting tonthemperson I loved so much. I am now left stone cold and cannot even open

My curtains to even let the sun in, never mind go out and use it for art. Being demisexual is not a good thing at all for me anymore. It is a disability that finished me and I hate it.

[Keels]

Wow, I'm really glad I found this thread. This is something I've been really struggling with recently.

I was sexually abused by my older brother during the years when I was about 3-6 and he was about 12-15 (this being about 40 years ago). I only remembered/realized/acknowledged it was abuse last summer, in the aftermath of his death.

I think it absolutely scrambled my sexuality before it even had a chance to form, knocked me permanently off any sort of normal developmental path, whatever that may have been for me in a different (non-abuse) universe. At this point I don't actually know if I'm asexual, or WTF I am. Asexual describes me pretty well in functional terms, but there's some sense in which I don't genuinely feel it as an orientation or an identity like I think a lot of other people do. This is actually why I haven't been posting much here for several months; I'm fundamentally confused, I just feel like something was crushed out of me when I was a kid and I have no idea at this point what could or should be there.

TMI details about sex history etc. in the spoiler:

I've been sexually active with a few partners, but as close as I can tell, my instinct is that "sex is something that happens to me". Every single partner has had to be the initiator, and if they didn't initiate, nothing ever happened. Like blak said, I just ended up doing the things I was supposed to do. Nothing ever actually came from a place of desire inside me. I never had any answers for questions like "tell me how you like it"/"tell me what you want".

And then I also think there's also something to the idea that the more intimate a relationship gets, the more my inner four-year-old says, oh boy, I want to close myself off from this again.

So anyway, I am in therapy, for this and other reasons. I'm currently trying to work up the courage to get into this sexuality stuff in therapy. I may just print out this post and take it with me to the next session!

Thank you, everyone, for sharing in this thread.