Were any of you sexually abused (potential triggers)

[PeekapooLuv]

I won't go into detail about being molested as a child or raped as an adult because I don't want to trigger anyone.

I wonder if my asexuality is due to these things that have happened to me. My first molestation occurred when I was 4 and continued until middle school. I was sexually assaulted by a guy in high school. I was raped twice as an adult.

Was I wired to be asexual or did trauma make me this way?

My mom claims that she was never a really sexual being herself and could take it or leave it. So maybe there's something genetic.

What do you think?

[argar]

I think we all find a way to make peace with the pain of the past.

I am thankful I never turned to drugs or alcohol to deal with my issues.

I did also briefly question whether my asexuality was caused by abuse, but since I kind of think it was because I was asexual that I got abused.

I remember never really understanding "sex" and someone took advantage of my curiosity as a kid.

I will say I am glad you have found your way to our community, and you will find a few people with similar life experiences.

I hope this site helps, and it also helps to know some of us have been there to.

As far as genetics go, maybe it does play a factor, but so far in my family I am the only one so far.

Have a beautiful night.

[Meudwen]

It's hard for me to admit, but I have a strong reason to believe that something happened when I was younger.

It bothered me really badly when I finally made the realization that I was probably abused, and around the same time the realization that I was ace. I had some assholes tell me that what I was feeling wasn't real, that if thinking about people having sex freaked me out then I was probably abused and should get therapy. I hated them so much for saying that, because I know it's not true for all aces... but I hated it most of all because they hit it on the head for me. On the bright side of that really horrible experience with those assholes, it finally made me admit to myself that something was up, instead of ignoring it. Because ignoring it hasn't helped. I've seen my life overshadowed by it. And then I got really really angry and upset because, I had just felt so happy to identify as asexual, and then I had to wonder if it was even up to me at all or if someone had done it to me instead. If everything I was, and identified with, basically, was just the result of trauma that I didn't even remember.

But, reflecting more, I think the answer is no. I am asexual in my own rights, not because I am sex-repulsed or traumatized. I'm in a weird grey area between sexuality and asexuality, but my interest in sex is purely fictional. I really cannot fathom why people want to have sex... with each other. I can see the appeal in theory, but reality doesn't quite mesh up. I've never felt sexual attraction to anyone. I've been curious about sex, I've kind of got the ingrained idea that it's necessary in a relationship, that's it's something I should try, to the point where it's something that I want to try but not because I really want to so much as because it eludes me so much and I want to understand it.

Maybe one day I'll 'get over it' like certain jerk people have told me. Maybe my girlfriend will be the magical exception. I kind of hope so. But until then I don't think I'll really know. Until then, I'm fine with the asexual label. It helps describe me better. A lot of things finally make sense for me since I found this, and helped me feel better about myself.

[AshenPhoenix]

I was sexually abused as a child, and while I thought I was asexual for a while, and am technically still figuring it out. I still pretty much 95% doubt I'm asexual at this point, and at any rate I've ended up a very sexual, or at the very least sexually open, person. When I was younger I felt a lot of shame attached to absolutely anything sexual, but with time, and a little bit of help, I got over a lot of my shame of enjoying everything from sexual things to sensual things, to the general company of others. and being "on the other side of the fence" so to speak, I feel like there's a very different... Feeling between being asexual and being traumatized to an extent to which you may feel that way. There's a lot more, shall I say intense, feelings that I associated with it. It's hard to explain, but I feel as though with some soul searching most people could probably differentiate between whether it was a factor or not. Because generally if it is, your mindset ends up different IMO. If that makes much sense.

It could be a factor, it could also not be a factor, probably depends on the person, the extent of their experiences, how harshly they took them and how well they coped afterwards.

[Nymra]

I was sexually abused as a child up to my 17th year by a family member. I'm glad that I got out of there by now. I get very upset and aggrivated if anyone jokes about child abuse or anything along these lines. It's pissing me off to hell and back.

I do think it is a factor of my personality that I call myself an asexual by now. I just feel comfortable using this label.

I headed in my first 'real' relationship just a few days ago with a sexual partner. He knows my past, we've been talking about this for a while and I'm honestly so damn greatful that he understands me and respects my choices if it comes to intimacy. We're trying to figure out this stuff together and maybe one day I will switch into the gray area. I'm still not 100% sure about my sexual orientation just yet, but I'm glad to be a part of this community no matter what.

My current relationship will help me through this, will hopefully help me forget my past. And I'm thankful for it.

I am also thankful to have met a lot of people in this community. You guys are amazing and no matter if you've been abused in your past or not, you're all so damn wonderful. I am glad to be a part of the AVEN community. ^_^

[Philip027]

If I was, I have zero recollection of it.

I sincerely doubt that I was, though.

[Meudwen]

I forgot to add, it doesn't matter if someone becomes asexual because of a trauma. It doesn't make those feelings any less valid.

[Autumn Season]

Yes and no. I've been asexual before anything of that kind happened. There was something in my childhood that made me distrust men, but it's not of a sexual kind. Uhm... I'm sorry, OP, that this bad stuff happened to you. :( Same goes for the other posters.

[scarletlatitude]

I am asexual (gray-asexual technically) and I was never abused for sure. I think what I experience might have some hormonal connections, but that's about it. Being abused doesn't necessarily make you asexual, no more than being asexual means you were abused. I'm sure there are some people out there who are asexual because of trauma. That is certainly not the case for everyone.

[MarieIsEatingTacobell]

Growing up? No. Luckily, I escaped most of my life unscathed from sexual abuse.

I was unfortunately sexually abused by an ex coworker at a prior work place earlier this year. However, I've always been demisexual and already was identifying as demisexual before this took place. So personally? No, my sexual abuse didn't contribute to my sexuality at all.

[scarletlatitude]

Anti violence resources, if anyone is interested: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/118532-anti-violence-resource/

There's lots of good links there to get help or to get someone to talk to, if you find yourself in one of these situations and want some help. :)

[012]

No, never abused.

I think it's more genetic than anything, based on a family member.

[Bezzy-Loo]

I tend to not think about it as such, but I have been.

The two occasions I can recall, I'm certain were not intended to be hurtful in any way and were purely products of an unfortunate sort of childhood curiosity. I don't blame either. I just try not to think about it, but do sometimes wonder if they remember.

My parents suspect that I was also abused by the sons of some family friends during visits, but I remember nothing of it. Apparently, the boys would take me into a room and lock out my older brother, and I would behave strangely afterward.

None of this has ever struck me as being responsible for, or even related to, my disinterest in sex. I don't really have negative feelings toward sex, it just isn't important to me.

[PeekapooLuv]

AshenPhoenix: Yes! I have those similar feelings. You explained things well.

[Mercurial Daydream]

I'm sorry you've had these experiences, PeekapooLuv. I hope you are well and finding what you need to grow and be happy and healthy in your life.

As for me, I've had a disturbing amount compulsive sex to satisfy my feelings of negativity towards myself. What I once thought was sexual attraction actually seems to be a craving for sexualized self harm, a feeling that vanishes when I feel safe and loved. (I'm also celibate now - I'm done with hurting myself.) I'm certain that compulsion is related to both a traumatic sexual experience as a child wherein my lack of sexual instinct triggered violence from the other, and a severe lack of affection in my childhood which likely drives my great hunger for touch and affection. I also have some reason to suspect abuse that I don't recall. Becoming accustomed to feeling unsafe and carrying on anyway was another unhelpful childhood skill I learned for unrelated reasons.

It adds up to a hot mess. I feel somewhat unclear about my identity now, because trying to figure out what I actually want and makes me happy is proving very difficult. To test my boundaries, even in my mind, requires thinking about things that trigger me, plus there is body dysphoria to distinguish. I know I find sexual culture alien and confusing, and feel very positive about intimacy which excludes sex. I know spending time with aces and feeling welcome in that space has brought a lot of happiness into my life, and helped me affirm healthier parts of myself.

Examining my desires as I know them, accepting that sexual attraction may well not be part of my experience, and affirming the validity of that aspect of my experience through identification as ace, which at first felt right more than I could understand why, has helped me grow towards being a healthier, happier, more fulfilled person. It's helped me better accept myself for who I am, helped me communicate what is important to me in relationships, and helped me come to grips with a lot of anger I feel around compulsive sexuality in our culture. And it's connected me with an awesome bunch of people. What more could I ask of a label?!?

Perhaps my identity (as opposed to orientation) will change somewhat as I grapple with these past issues and get to know myself better. Perhaps working through the self harming compulsions will reveal the mystical sexual attraction to me. Either way, I'll be glad to have understood these feelings better and found those who help me know that I am not alone, nor will I be alone without sexual attraction. The pressure to be someone I don't know how to be is gone. The rest will unfold in time.

Like a few others here, I too think it more likely that asexuality contributed to my feeling traumatized by certain experiences, than the other way around. But I think it's a red herring in general. There's no evidence that aces are disproportionately victims of childhood sexual abuse. Moreover, I feel that challenging the a/sexual identity of those who've experienced sexual abuse is pushing someone else's sexual agenda onto them, again, something I hope others recognize as deeply problematic.

[Densoro]

I forgot to add, it doesn't matter if someone becomes asexual because of a trauma. It doesn't make those feelings any less valid.

This this this. I was struggling with my a/sexuality for a while because I was trying to suss out how much of it was 'born this way' and how much of it was trauma, but it's impossible for me to separate and that's okay. My trauma -- and more importantly, my recovery -- is a fundamental part of who I am, and if it's changed the hard wiring of my relationship with sex, that's just part of who I am.

[012]

Not to the very best of my knowledge, no. Although I've been told by multiple people that my strong attitudes and emotions surrounding sex are the sorts of things you hear from those who've been sexually abused, and I have some specific mental health issues that are very common in those who've experienced sexual abuse. I've no memory of anything though

I'd be wary of generalizations that people make, they don't apply 100% of the time.

Trust your own memories/non-memories.

[allrightalready]

i was through the third grade by a teacher. couple assaults as an adult also. i am not asexual i am demi and i thought for a long time it was just the way people were supposed to be due to be raised that way. i figured out that i really was different because acting the way i was raised to seems incredibly difficult to impossible for "normal" people.

so being assaulted did not make me asexual since i am not.

and if being raised that way made people demi then more people would be.

[Artistofnoname]

I got touched inappropriatly in first grade by a few of the boys.

A teacher saw one of the kids doing it and instead of correcting the situation just said "careful not to hurt her"

Now for that one I blame the adults. Especially when we were told don't let anybody touch you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable was way too vague they never specifically said what's not to be touched so I didn't know how to be uncomfortable with it. Especially since she saw the boy with his hand in my pants. What a failure she was...

A more embarrassing incident was when an old man in a nursing home tried to rape me when I was 15. Thankfully though I was stronger,younger, and smarter than he was so I was able to escape. I made sure never to see him again.

I used to say I wasn't but lately I took this class at my church on preventing child sex abuse and started recounting these incidents and realizing that I was wrong about that.

None of these incidents made me asexual,I just am.

But I certainly became very protective of myself and would hardly let anybody touch me.

Any further incidents I can't say for sure as I suffer from PTSD (caused by torture) so who's to say I wasn't violated further. I have never even had the heart to tell my own parents that end of it.

[SwirlyKitten]

My father abused me emotionally not physically in any way. I want say if it affected my orientation because it started when i was born. There was never a 'before'.

[Bimbo Bread]

I was molested when I was little and, honestly, I think it really affected my sexuality. Because of that I'm vary wary of who I share that with. I think that's why I'm demiromantic and demisexual. Does that make my orientation any less valid? Well, no. Regardless of what may have 'caused' me to become this way, it's still part of who I am and I don't know about you but I think that's part of what makes me special and unique in my own way. So I'm proud to be demi, even if it may have come from a sad place.

[Raina.]

I believe it's different for everyone. Identifying as ace due to trauma is just as legitimate of a reason as having been ace ever since you can remember!
I have been sexually abused, but I felt asexual before that, too; I just didn't know there was a word for it. It definitely made me more sure of it, though.

[J. van Deijck]

For me it all is valid, too. I have been abused for quite long time as well, and I think it has shaped my sexuality. I only feel comfortable with it now, because I trust my love and it changes everything.

[DeeBiz]

As for me, I've had a disturbing amount compulsive sex to satisfy my feelings of negativity towards myself. What I once thought was sexual attraction actually seems to be a craving for sexualized self harm, a feeling that vanishes when I feel safe and loved.

Wow, Mercurial Daydream, this sums me up totally.

I was sexually abused as a child, starting at around 3 or 4, and probably earlier as it was both of my parents, and some other relatives.

I identify as a grey-a, and I think that abuse played a big role in how it shaped my sexuality, though not an entire factor.

The first time I had sex, I remember thinking "is this what all the fuss is about? really?". I thought that it was just "first time" awkwardness, but any time I have had sex after that I usually just want to get it over with.

I think that because of abuse, I have so much pain surrounding my sexual experiences. It makes me feel indifferent or repulsed by sex at the best of times. I am wondering if over time I find healing (i am seeing a therapist) that maybe one day I might find sex as good as people make it out to be.

I have unfortunately connected so many negative experiences to sex that I now feel intimacy through other ways that are "safe" for me. Such as cuddling.

I especially love cuddling with platonic friends who I know wont try to get with me. I need to feel safe in order to feel loved.

And I don't mind that my past has shaped me at this point, but it bothered me for a while.

[RK800]

I don't think I was sexually abused but I was abused in other ways when I was 7-ish.

Or I guess, maybe it doesn't count as abuse (does not being fed, being locked out of the house, or being exposed to inappropriate conduct count? Honestly I'm not sure).

It could very well have a lot to do with who I am or nothing at all, who knows, it's pretty hard to tell but at the end of the day you can still identify as ace if you feel that label fits. It's more about finding something that describes you rather than getting tied up in the cause.

I send my condolences to everyone in this thread and if you ever need to talk just shoot me a message.

[Seivan Anantha]

I might have been. I can't remember very much from before around four or five years ago, so I'm not sure. I think my step-father walked in on me in the shower a LOT, though. I don't know what that might mean...

[Rainbow~Sprinkles]

a severe lack of affection in my childhood which likely drives my great hunger for touch and affection. I also have some reason to suspect abuse that I don't recall. Becoming accustomed to feeling unsafe and carrying on anyway was another unhelpful childhood skill I learned for unrelated reasons.

I'm also questioning these things at the moment. I have a pedophile in my family who I used to be around when I was younger and my parents asked me if he had done anything to me since I came out as asexual. If he ever did I guess I will never know. My parents weren't affectionate when I was younger. I wasn't hugged if I hurt myself I was told to get back up and toughen up. So I guess I've always just kept going even when there have been situations that have been unsafe. I tend to just put up with it instead of trying to change it. I think this is because I grew up in a domestic violence situation and initially as a child I used to try to stop it from happening and ended up getting screamed at. So I've always just deal with it.

In uni I was sexually harassed and I think that this is because I was different from my peers. I'm a quiet shy person and I think this made me a target as well as the fact that I'm very innocent about sex because of my asexuality. I didn't know this at the time and blamed myself for being treated this way. I put up with it like I'd learned from childhood until I realised how dangerous this was and so I eventually made it stop. I had this one guy who got the vibe I wasn't interested in sex and kept touching me and pushing my boundaries almost to prove that I am just as susceptible to people as everybody else. I was the only girl who didn't tolerate his behaviour and that made him more aggressive to me. I've seen him around other girls, they are always the naive innocent, "good girls" if you want a stereotype. I think being innocent attracts creepy people they see a weakness or innocence and they want to manipulate it. I still think this was more of my asexuality that caused this than anything else.

[proud_of_me]

i've been both sexually harassed, sexually assaulted and emotionally abused, all within the time i started trying to find a word for the way i was already feeling. i've always been asexual, but i think the abuse contributed to my sex-repulsion. but i think as long as you're being true to yourself and true to your feelings, then whatever you identify as is valid. the only important opinion is your own :)

[Guest]

I'm not ace and I was....while I remember it though I don't recall any actual trauma. I went to a counselor(?) for a while and they'd ask me questions about how I felt and stuff but I never thought my abuser was a bad person even though I knew what they did was wrong. I think it was mostly a case of curiosity on their part...which doesn't excuse their behavior, but eh. It's in the past.

I'm just commenting as someone who was in a situation of abuse and still turned out straight. I suppose highly traumatic cases may have a bearing on sexuality.

[magazine-smiles]

Yes, as a pre-teen. Whether or not that plays a part in my asexuality, I don't know. Nor does it matter. I still have never been a "sexual" individual.