I think I've reached my dead end with my Asexual man, but he wont let me go

[littlesmiley]

::::warning:::: There could be tmi. And I do talk about sex, but not in detail.

This is my first time posting. I've looked and read a lot. I've been in a relationship (on and off) for 7 years with an asexual. Although, like many of my fellow sexuals, I didn't know he was asexual. We started really hot and heavy and it went on like that for the average 6 months. Around this time we separated. It's like he would turn into someone else, he would get angry. Then he would drink a lot. Then he would call and show up at my door and knock me down with passion. Then he was gone. This continued. We were together and there would be this amazing closeness that brought me to tears and then he was anything but. Never touch, no kisses. It became less and less. After one of his more Sexual times I became pregnant and we had a son. After that our sex dissipated to once a year. And I took that as I was to blame. He loved me but maybe I was "bad in bed" or i'm "unattractive". I became really unhappy and irritable. I was impossible to live with at this time. We were barely talking and I fell into a huge depression blaming myself. We decided to break up and I eventually started dating other men. It was hard at this time. I had huge confidence issues that had built up from our relationship that weren't his fault. It's what we are brought up to think. Men love sex.... If he doesn't have sex with you then your not attractive. You need to change! After 4 years of not hearing "wow, you look nice today." Or "your beautiful" followed by no physical touch had it's effects on my self esteem. Especially when you have NO IDEA whats going on inside your partners head. We had to end it because it seemed silly to me that this person would even WANT to be with me. Who want's to be in a relationship with someone they don't even want to kiss? Touch? Have sex with? Again this is what society has taught us. I didn't know then. Of course we had our son so we remained friends. Somehow we ended up together again. Not out of anything physical.... Most of the time I don't even know how it happened. Then he said he was Asexual. I knew that meant no sex but I wasn't aware fully of the meaning. So I searched online looking for any resource. When I would find an article it would bring me to tears. I kept thinking it must be just me, or that the sex would come....something. About 6 months ago I finally brought myself to talk to him about it. I thought I was pretty honest. I get it, I do. He doesn't want sex and I do. I started out by telling him that I understand that now. I have never pressured him. Since the last time we have been together I have never asked for it. I don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with me. So I suggested an open relationship. It almost feels wrong, but I also don't want to go the rest of my life without sex. He said "I'm sure there's lots of people who would like to have sex with you." but overall he doesn't want me to go off. He seems to think that he will be "sexual" again. We have had many little battles since then. I've told him that I understand him. But he needs to understand me to. I am not willing to go without sex so it's best for us to separate and remain friends or be in an open relationship. I don't think this is being ridiculous or asking too much. I'm not asking him directly for sex, but I would like the option to have it with someone who does. I've been without sex for 3 years and I know now that I am an unhappy person without it. I am sorry if this hurts him. That I want something he's unable to give me, but I have been celibate for him for 3 years. It's not working so there is only two other options and he won't agree to an open relationship and he doesn't want to break up.

He keeps thinking that he'll change. I'm not saying it's impossible... but he hasn't even searched out to learn about his asexuality. Like what kind he is... A gray a... no... I think not. If you were to ask me now I would say Aromantic ace. With occasional platonic touching. Like a brief hug. But not body to body.

So I'm lost. I don't know what to do.


And yes we did the love language test. He is words of affirmation, I am touch. I have always been a touchy person. So It's no wonder I am so unhappy.

[nerdperson777]

Well you can't label him for him, but I don't think he is totally aromantic. He must be like that with everyone then. My parents are the least romantic people ever. But I heard that they used to love each other. They may not act like it now, but it doesn't make them aromantic.

[SithLord]

I think you need to talk to him and make him understand that this relationship CANNOT work without sex, and if that's not possible for him in the very near future then it won't work. You've tried compromising with an open relationship, and if he denies that but offers no other compromise then I don't see how this relationship can work.

I feel for you and him, but he needs to know he can't have it both ways.

[bikecycles]

This man sounds self-centered and a bit manipulative. It may not be conscious, but it sounds quite distressing nonetheless, and you need to take care of yourself first.

You've seen the cycle, wherein he may be willing to be sexual for a short period, followed by increasingly long dry spells. That's not likely to change, only get worse.

The unwillingness to have sex, and at the same time denying you any outlets for your sexuality, is denying you agency. It's his way, or no way at all, and it shouldn't be like that. Relationships should not be totalitarian regimes.

None of this is your fault, and you did not bring it upon yourself. These are his problems that he is unwilling to deal with, for whatever reason. Like you said, he hasn't even bothered to read any information about asexuality. You are not responsible for educating him or fixing his issues. If he's not willing to listen to you, there's nothing you can do.

I had a relationship with a family member that had some similar traits. No matter what I did, nothing was ever good, and this person would either twist or conveniently forget events of the past as it suited them. At some point I realized that trying to help is futile. It's like the Titanic: the ship is going to sink with or without you, so you might as well get off the boat before it's too late.

Finally, you mentioned him getting drunk and angry in the past. Was his anger ever directed at you? I hope these traits have stayed in the past, as they are warning flags for potential abuse. If the anger is still present and ever directed at you, even obliquely (throwing your possessions, verbal abuse or put-downs, twisting arguments so everything is your fault, etc), please call an abuse hotline when safe to do so.

Again, it's not really clear what the situation is, but you deserve to take care of yourself. You do not owe this man anything, especially if his company makes you miserable. Take care, and I hope you find real happiness soon.

[Sisky]

It's not as easy as just letting your partner have sex with other people if you're emotionally attached and open relationships simply don't work for everyone. But I do agree that this relationship won't get anyone anywhere. He wants things to stay as they are without taking your feelings into account (and he may actually be unable to give you what you want, but people can't just change on a whim either, so in the long run he's going to make you unhappy). You need something that you cannot get from him. Sounds like a huge compatibility issue to me, and not one that's likely to be solved.

So, yes, you have the right to take care of your own needs and if they aren't met in a relationship, there's no obligation to stay. Just have the decency to actually break up before you find other people. (And yes, I believe it's on the person who wants to leave a relationship to end it. If he's okay with what you two have, it's not his responsibility to "let you go".)

[jacky.boy]

It sounds like you have given him the opportunity to compromise & help you out. He won't so, it sounds like you're going to need to give him an ultimatum. He'll need to accept & allow an open marriage for you or, you're going to need to pack up & go else where. We both know you won't if not can't live like that. just my thought