chameleon2646 Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 Hello internet, today has been a pretty good day considering the last week of my life. For the last week I've come to terms with my new understanding of my sexuality which being 23 and having lived a kind of "when in Rome " lifestyle for the last 5 and a half years has been both refreshing and completely and totally horrible. So first the good parts, i understand myself better and more importantly I now understand there's nothing "wrong " with me for the longest I thought that my lack of sexual desire was a sign of illness like cancer or infertility I had no idea that there were other people in the world who process those emotions similarly to me and that there's actually information out there about it. And from what I've read I really relate to the traits of a demisexual/gray-A finding this information was empowering and made me feel more "whole" then every sexual relationship I've ever had. But now the other side of the coin, the negative, what negative you may ask? Well dating, the vast, fast world of adult relationships now in the world I'm what many would call "a looker" and this tends to cause problems for me when I'm in a relationship because while I'm thinking about pizza and a movie he's thinking about gettin' down and that's where the problems start. While I've had sex before and thoroughly enjoy it when I'm with someone I'm in love with and who loves me the climate of sex first relationships in our society presents me with a kind of difficult task one that I've already started on but would like the advice of others that have maybe been in my position, how do I go about finding someone to start a relationship with, someone who understands my situation and is willing to put in the work to form the emotional foundation that I need before taking things to the bedroom. Are there dating sites? Articles that could help? Or just Feel free to chime in and give me your take. Link to post Share on other sites
Asvel Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 Huh, you aren't talking about adult relationships here. Or not most of them anyway. Adult relationships are built on openness, honesty, respect, and as you get to know one another better, trust. Not sex, though that's also important. But if you can't trust and respect a partner, don't even bother, that's not going anywhere. (Unless you're just in it for the sex, but I'm pretty sure that's also better with ditto.) And look, you can't form adult relationships with people who aren't adults. You're 23, most of the people you're dating won't have grown up that much yet, sex is way more important in their minds than it should be relative to emotional health, boundaries, and all that stuff that makes for a healthy relationship. Nothing wrong with wanting a proper relationship before sex. A person who is capable of loving you as you need (since you're demi) will be respectful of that personal boundary, by definition. Even if they're clearly attracted to you, or especially because of it. Dating sites are no good - it's like going fishing, basically, and when you're this picky about the fish, it's more effort than it's worth. Articles? Yeah, look for the articles that teach healthy relationship boundaries to people who...had a less than ideal upbringing. Personal relationships of any sort have common denominators, and people are drawn to others like them. So if you're good at boundaries and respect, you'll attract the same sort of people, while repelling the ones who can't deal. And that's what you're looking for. After that, it's just a matter of meeting people until you get where you're going. Link to post Share on other sites
Minakie Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 I now understand there's nothing "wrong " with me for the longest I thought that my lack of sexual desire was a sign of illness like cancer or infertility Welcome to AVEN. I'm 24 now but I also came to terms with my sexuality when I was 23. I used to wonder if the reason I was different could be because I had some sort of hormonal disturb or something, but my family had already dismissed that possibility by having me do a serious of hormonal tests (because I had to get started on the birth control pill rather early since I'm amenorrheic), so I guess it's not that unusual for asexuals to try to find some scientific explanation for whatever its different about us until we actually stumble across the term "asexual" for the first time. To be honest there's someone I like, and he likes me back, but it's complicated 'cause we live in different countries and never actually been physically together. I have never been in a relationship myself, I'm still a virgin, I have never been kissed or hugged by the opposite gender, so I'm not really an expert in relationships. However, since I found out about this whole new world, I've been reading a lot about the subject, and it seems to be totally possible for asexuals to have romantic relationships, even with sexual people, as long as both people are aware of each other's sexuality and agree to compromise and reach some common ground. What's important is for asexuals to be honest about who they are and how they feel with their partners, that's the only way we can know if the person we're with loves us for who we really are, or for who they think we are. Link to post Share on other sites
chameleon2646 Posted September 28, 2015 Author Share Posted September 28, 2015 Most adult relationships according to many people of the world are based on sex. I've many times had men tell me that the only things that matter in a relationship are sex, money and trust with trust being the least important and just so you know these aren't guys my age. I have a hard and fast rule that I don't date anyone under the age of 30. Link to post Share on other sites
VindicatorPhoenix Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 Are there dating sites? Check this out, it might be helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
Asvel Posted October 4, 2015 Share Posted October 4, 2015 Most adult relationships according to many people of the world are based on sex. I've many times had men tell me that the only things that matter in a relationship are sex, money and trust with trust being the least important and just so you know these aren't guys my age. I have a hard and fast rule that I don't date anyone under the age of 30. Ya, they haven't grown up yet either. But here's one problem I see: a guy over 30 who is knowingly dating an 18-23 girl, that's rather a self-selecting population, isn't it? I wish I had actual advice about where to find good candidates. (Pun intended.) But wherever it is, it sure isn't where you've been looking. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.