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insecure about being ace? (tw//mild acephobia)


gracebabie

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okay so i've come to the realization that i'm grey-ace pretty recently, but as I think about it more and more I feel less secure about it. i've only told one person so far and they said that they know i've experience sexual attraction before (which I have, but i'm grey-a for a reason). it just seemed like they were trying to prove to me that i wasn't ace. i've also seen other blogs and such saying that if you experience sexual attraction then you're not ace and grey-a is a scream for attention. since i was young i've always sought validation in everything i do, so seeing things like that affect me and make me question if what i'm feeling is valid. i don't know how to start feeling comfortable with this label without validation :/ any tips?

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First of all, I want to say that your identity is just that - yours. Yours to define, yours to describe, and yours to live. Don't let other people take that away from you. If people can't wrap their minds around an experience outside of their own, or if the inherently ephemeral nature of grey-asexuality makes them uncomfortable, that's their problem, and not yours. If you define part of your identity as grey-a, then you're grey-a, for as long as you want to claim that label.

Of course, I understand this is easier said than done. Seeing people denying that your label is valid or questioning whether you should use it is upsetting - to say the very least - not to mention infuriating and isolating. Also, a part of why people use labels in the first place is to confirm that we are part of a group and to make it easier to find others with similar experiences. If that's what you're needing right now, then know that there are plenty of others who identify as grey-asexual and who are out there, sharing their experiences. Obviously, you'll be able to find some here on AVEN.

There are also many out in the blogging communities. If you're not sure where to start, I've found The Asexual Agenda on wordpress (they also post on tumblr) to be a helpful resource. You can browse posts via their tags - and, yes, they have one specifically for "Gray-A" - or you can look through their linkspam posts, which contain many links to other blogs discussing a variety of asexual spectrum-related topics.

I hope you can find what you're looking for, and start feeling comfortable and confident in however you choose to identify.

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Up to now we have identified the following human intimacy spectrum about sexual behaviour.

On the left end, all left, we have us, ACE for life. We don't experience sexual attraction to anyone or anything. We just do not and that's it.

On the right end, all right, we have the hyper, super, always ready sexuals who experience sexual attraction nearly all the time. Vag is a vag and a dick is a dick, always ready for a quicky, doesn't matter.

And in the middle we have, majority of human beings, the grey area. If you identify as Grey-A it just means that you can and sometimes do experience sexual attraction but normally or most of the time not.

If folks around you have a problem or can't understand this, I suggest

you buy a black ring

put it on the middle finger on your right hand

when folks annoy you

show them your middle finger and tell them to

"Go fuck yourself."

my two cents and welcome to Aven Gracebabie. :cake: :cake: :cake:

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It's understandable... I mean, I know a few people who have only experienced attraction a couple of times or only very weakly in their lives and choose to identify as heterosexual or whatever because it's simple and they probably aren't aware the grey area exists. It's completely up to you how you identify (of course you know that already :P), each to their own. The only person that needs to validate your identity and sexuality is you. Sod everyone else!

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scarletlatitude

It's sometimes really difficult for people who identify as sexual to understand what it means to be asexual (or gray-asexual). It's like when you learn that someone doesn't like pizza. How can you not like pizza? Everyone loves pizza... except, there are a lot of people who just don't like pizza. That's okay. Disliking pizza doesn't make them less of a human or a strange freak. It just makes them different. Sexual people, asexual people, and gray people are just different varieties. Unfortunately, there is a large portion of the human population that hasn't realized this yet.

Whatever you are feeling is valid. They are your feelings and only YOU get to decide. :)

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It's sometimes really difficult for people who identify as sexual to understand what it means to be asexual (or gray-asexual). It's like when you learn that someone doesn't like pizza. How can you not like pizza? Everyone loves pizza... except, there are a lot of people who just don't like pizza. That's okay. Disliking pizza doesn't make them less of a human or a strange freak. It just makes them different. Sexual people, asexual people, and gray people are just different varieties. Unfortunately, there is a large portion of the human population that hasn't realized this yet.

Whatever you are feeling is valid. They are your feelings and only YOU get to decide. :)

^ I find that food metaphors are often the best way to explain the difference between sexuality and asexuality. XD

It's perfectly natural to be unsure, to be questioning, trying to figure yourself out. No one should make you feel insecure or invalid, though. I would say that a person who rejects your identity clearly doesn't understand it. They might eventually, or they may never, but any accusations they make about you screaming for attention is simply untrue. It'd be much easier to dye your hair electric blue to get attention. There are much more visible ways to garner positive attention rather than a less visible identity that often garners negative attention. (Not to say that asexuality always gets negative attention. The people on this forum are incredibly positive and wonderful, for instance. :))

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