Not sure where, if anywhere, I fall on the spectrum...

[EventideTraveler]

*sigh* I was really hoping to avoid making one of these as I'm sure people get tired of answering them (and I already did one of these kinds of posts regarding romantic orientation), but it turns out reading FAQs and lurking on other people's threads wasn't enough. I'm still confused as hell. I know that I don't need a label for my sexuality RIGHT NOW, but...I'd like to have at leat a little more clarity on things.

I'll try to keep this brief...though I may fail because I'm chronically long-winded. >.>

First of all, it's been confusing to figure out where on the spectrum I might fall, since there seem to be two popular definitinos for asexuality...the one relating to not feeling sexual attraction, and the one relating to not desiring partnered sex, and there seems to be considerable disagreements in the community about which is better to use? I don't know...I'll split this into two sections to cover both.

Regarding sexual attraction...

I don't really think I get it. It's hard to tell because I'm still not really sure what it is. But I don't think it happens to me. Around high school/college, I would sometimes see women I found attractive on some level and have intrustive fantasites about them, but there was no impetus to act. No "pull" towards them as I've heard sexual people describe. And I don't just mean that in the higher executive function sense, like I wanted to on some level but chose not to...more like looking at them triggered fantasies that were arousinig, and even pleasant, but that was it, just random fantasies, no pull, no actually wanting to do anything with them, nothing like that. Plus, even if that was sexual attraction, I haven't really felt it much...maybe not at all, since then, and considering that was like...5-6 years ago, if sexuality is fluid, then could I still be ace/ace-spectrum now despite that happening in the past?

Also, I had a "romantic" partner (in quotes because this was before I realized I was aromantic, and after we separated later we talked about it and both agreed neither of us was ever romantically attracted to the other) for awhile, and I never felt a real pull or desire to do anything sexual with her. Cuddling for hours was lovely and I feel like if we had tried to have sex it might have ruined the loveliness of the cuddling...

Regarding the general desire for partnered sex...

I honestly don't really care? I'm indifferent. I haven't had partnered sex, and I don't really care if I ever do. I enjoy fantasizing sometimes and have a bit of a libido, and will masturbate to make the libido go away (it's really annoying and if I could get rid of it I would), which DOES feel good, but...meh. Partnered sex honestly seems overrated to me, and I really don't get what the big deal is or why sexual people seem to like it so much. At the same time, it sounds like it could be fun, and I wouldn't be totally AGAINST trying it out in the right situation, with the right person, if they were willing. Hell, maybe it's awesome. I'm a bit curious, but it's no big deal, and there's lots of other things that would seem much more exiting to me, like...I dunno, playing Guild Wars 2. But then agian, what if I try it some day, and it's fantastic?

Fantasizing and self-pleasing can be pleasurable and I do enjoy it (though again, not as pleasurable as other things, and if I could kill my libido I would), but trying to actually seriuosly imagine myself doing something sexual with another human being always feels...off, somehow. Like maybe it would be great, and I'm curious, but the thought is sort of unsettling? Not in an anxoius/scared way, but genuinely unsettling. I dunno...

I'm not romantic, but I'll just say that I would definitely enter into something like a queerplatonic partnership or somesuch with the right person, and if the other person never wanted sex, I'd be 100% fine with that, and...might even prefer it that way, although I'm not sure. I certainly wouldn't feel it was necessary to feel any closer or more bonded with them. Also, no matter how many close, emotional bonds with friends I might have, I would not care if I never had an opportunity for some kind of "FWB" arrangement, and honestly the thought of such a thing seems uncomfortable in some way, like it would make the friendship uncomfortable for me...and casual sex with strangers is out of the question, so yeah. I'd be fine living my whole life without any sex, even if I'm a bit curious what it's like.

[Archon]

From what I've seen, someone is asexual if they do not experience attraction and/or they do not desire partnered sex. Either is sufficient. There are more specific words to describe people who fit one but not the other, though in the end they would both be in the asexual spectrum.

Since you don't seem to experience attraction or desire partnered sex, you seem pretty asexual to me no matter how you look at it. I'm not sure where your confusion is? Asexuals can have a libido and some asexuals do fantasize, masturbate, etc. Asexuals can also be curious about what sex is like and can like the idea of desire or attraction. But if you don't experience that pull towards specific people and/or don't have a real desire to actually have partnered sex in real life, then you would be asexual. Also, some asexuals like having sex, some are indifferent, and some are repulsed, so you can feel any of those things and still be ace.

Of course, only you can say how you identify. :)

[EventideTraveler]

Thanks for the reply. =)

I guess the main point of confusion is how despite not really caring if I have partnered sex, or really seeming to feel sexual attraction, I still am curious and I wonder how I can know if I don't desire it when I haven't tried it (this would be offensive to say about someone else, I know, but for some reason the thought keeps bothering me), and I used to THINK I did desire it...I attribute that to a combination of being indifferent and theoretically open to the idea, combined with the oversexualization of the world around me making me think that it was so great, so of course I would want to try it/would be missing out if I didn't/etc.

Except that I really don't...when I strip away that outside influence telling me how great it is and how much I'm missing out on if I dont try it, I just do. not. care.

Edit: I should probably mention I have a deathly fear of ending up being appropriative that makes it hard to accept realizations like this. I was very hesitant identifying as a trans woman, for example, because to my mind, trans was something other people were, and the thought of it applying to me was just so foreign...even though it fit so well.

[Lies_As_Lau]

I had a friend tell me that sexual attraction felt something like physical attraction coupled with a hint of arousal, which I know I don't ever feel ever

Edit: I should probably mention I have a deathly fear of ending up being appropriative that makes it hard to accept realizations like this. I was very hesitant identifying as a trans woman, for example, because to my mind, trans was something other people were, and the thought of it applying to me was just so foreign...even though it fit so well.

I know how you feel there. Part of the sexual crisis I had before I accepted I was ace was something similar to this reason. I don't think I felt like I was appropriating Per Se, but I did often have those internal arguments where I would think "No you can't be asexual, it's RARE, it's not common, you're not a special snowflake, get over yourself" it was not a nice feeling to have

[EventideTraveler]

Edit: I should probably mention I have a deathly fear of ending up being appropriative that makes it hard to accept realizations like this. I was very hesitant identifying as a trans woman, for example, because to my mind, trans was something other people were, and the thought of it applying to me was just so foreign...even though it fit so well.

I know how you feel there. Part of the sexual crisis I had before I accepted I was ace was something similar to this reason. I don't think I felt like I was appropriating Per Se, but I did often have those internal arguments where I would think "No you can't be asexual, it's RARE, it's not common, you're not a special snowflake, get over yourself" it was not a nice feeling to have

Yeah...and in my case, the thoughs are something like "what? You're already trans. Is that not enough for you? You don't feel special enough and need to acquire another marginalized identity? Stop it, you're making all this up. You just want attention and to wear one of those neat black rings because you think they're cool. get over yourself."

Not a nice feeling at all. -.-