am I asexual?

[Madeline11]

So recently I've been really confused about my sexuality. I've always considered myself heterosexual, until a few months ago when one of my friends asked if I might be asexual. At first I though no way, but then I took this stupid quiz online and it said I could be "graysexual".

I've only had one boyfriend in my entire life. He is my best friend and I dated him for a year during my senior year of high school. We knew each other three years before that. It was my first experience with any boy. He was my first kiss at seventeen years old, and before him, I cannot think of a person that I ever wanted to kiss. ButI did really like him and it felt nice when I did. We never did anything sexual; we didn't even make out. Neither of us initiated it, and later I found out that he is gay. I remember feeling frustrated at the time that we weren't more physical, but I don't think that I wanted to have sex with him.

Now, I am 21 and have "dated" a couple of other people in college. By this, I mean that I only went on a couple dates with a few people. However, I have never felt attracted to any of them. I didn't enjoy kissing them. They all wanted to have sex after only a couple weeks after meeting me, which didn't make any sense to me. I don't understand how people can feel attracted to someone enough that they want to have sex, even though they barely knew me? So I cut them off, and after I stopped seeing these people, I always felt relieved.

Also, I have realized that I hardly find anybody attractive. When I watch movies with my friends, they go crazy over men. I have never had a celebrity crush. My friends always see attractive people just walking around on the streets, but I never notice any of that. It isn't until they point it out that I actually consider someone to be good looking or not.

However, I really do want a relationship with somebody. I really want to be in love, but I am scared that I am asexual. I am 100% supportive of the LGBTQIA community, but it is just not something that I want for myself. I think that I could enjoy sex with someone if I did really love them, otherwise I don't want to do it. The main problem is that I never feel attracted to anybody in the first place unless I know them on a deeper level, so how am I supposed to find what I want?

I'm just really confused an need advice.

[Hooded_Crow]

You sound either asexual and demiromantic or demisexual, to me.

I am a lot like you. I've wanted a relationship but never found anyone attractive. Never found anyone I'd want to date. And I was afraid that when/if I became interested enough in someone, that they would expect sex waaay too soon for me.

What I found with the asexual identity is a new freedom. When I realised I was ace, suddenly all these rules of sex in relationships came tumbling down. You can have any kind of relationship you want. Not having sex after two weeks is totally allowed. Not having sex after two years is totally allowed. Not having sex ever is totally allowed. It's just a matter of finding someone who either is like you or can deal with little or no sex.

Thing is asexual/demisexual people are hard to come by on a day to day basis. But we're here! On this forum i met and fell in love with my partner. We're long distance for now but working on closing the distance. So you never know what might happen.

Don't be too afraid that being asexual would mean it's impossible for you to find a partner. It may be more difficult but it can happen. And refusing to accept what you want and who you are won't help. Many many hugs to you and welcome to AVEN!

Also, know that only you can know if you are asexual or not. I am merely suggesting demisexuality to you as something to explore. It means "unable to find people attractive until you know them well."

[Member54880]

Welcome! Asexuality is only about the lack of sexual attraction or lack of desire for sex. Many here can relate to your experiences. There are multiple types of attraction, including sexual, romantic and aesthetic attraction, which are all separate from each other. When you feel close to someone, which type(s) of attraction do you experience? You might be asexual if you never experienced sexual attraction, but it's up to you to decide which label suits you best.

If you are asexual, then it doesn't mean that you have to give up on finding a relationship when you want one. One option may to be check out the asexual dating sites listed here: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/32900-dating-sites/

If you are in a relationship with someone who isn't asexual, then it could still possibly work depending on what you and the other person are comfortable with. It'd be important to be honest about your needs and what are your dealbreakers, but you shouldn't push yourself beyond what you're willing to do just to keep a relationship.

[Star Bit]

Don't be afraid of being different/not the majority. There's a meetup section on here. Look for one in your area or create your own. There are also asexual dating sites.

[Tarfeather]

What I found with the asexual identity is a new freedom. When I realised I was ace, suddenly all these rules of sex in relationships came tumbling down. You can have any kind of relationship you want. Not having sex after two weeks is totally allowed. Not having sex after two years is totally allowed. Not having sex ever is totally allowed. It's just a matter of finding someone who either is like you or can deal with little or no sex.

The way you put that made it sound as if you think that specifically seeking another asexual/someone who doesn't need sex is the strictly better option. That bothers me somewhat, as I personally feel that there are much more important factors that determine a human being than their sexuality, and thus there are also more important reasons to love someone than being a match sexuality wise.

There are cases when the partner you actually want will not be a match in terms of sexuality. In such a case, the desire of the sexual to have sex is no less valid than the lack of the same desire of the asexual. It's okay for you as an asexual to never want sex, and it's okay for me as a sexual to want sex at some point in my life, but ultimately both of these wants are something that we can put on the line for someone we love.

[Philip027]

The way you put that made it sound as if you think that specifically seeking another asexual/someone who doesn't need sex is the strictly better option.

For someone who wants to not have sex? Yeah, I would call that the strictly better option.

And I don't think Crow was necessarily saying that was the kind of person the OP is. Just, if she is.

I personally feel that there are much more important factors that determine a human being than their sexuality,

Oh man, I do too. I absolutely do. I don't just "feel" that, I *know* it.

But the fact is, the majority of the rest of the world doesn't see things that way when it comes to personal relationships, and even asexuals are aware of this (or quickly become aware of it when they begin attempting relationships)

If we don't want to keep setting ourselves up for failure and heartbreak, we simply have to recognize this fact.

Edited September 26, 2015 by Philip027

[Tarfeather]

For someone who wants to not have sex? Yeah, I would call that the strictly better option.

So I suppose I shall go look for a more suitable asexual partner for my girlfriend, then? ;) By "strictly better" I meant that it sounded like every asexual should just go look for an asexual partner and disregard everyone else, which is simply not the case. A sexual person can make a more suitable partner for an asexual, it depends on many factors.

Oh man, I do too. I absolutely do. I don't just "feel" that, I *know* it.

But the fact is, the majority of the rest of the world doesn't see things that way when it comes to personal relationships, and even asexuals are aware of this (or quickly become aware of it when they begin attempting relationships)

If we don't want to keep setting ourselves up for failure and heartbreak, we simply have to recognize this fact.

Which still means that a relationship with a high sex drive sexual who respects and accepts you as you are is absolutely possible.

[Philip027]

Which still means that a relationship with a high sex drive sexual who respects and accepts you as you are is absolutely possible.

A sexual person that would still be happy and willing to pursue a relationship with someone who does not intend to partake in sex with them? Sorry, but I think that's a rare breed. I think it does aces (or any other sort of sex-repulsed people) a disservice to try to convince them otherwise or that it's someone they are likely to find if they keep looking.

Now, there might be plenty of (sexual) cool folks out there who are conceptually okay with the idea of people not wanting/desiring sex and could even befriend those sorts of people, but my wager is that the majority of them will nevertheless see it as something they could not handle in their own relationships. Recently was linked a story of one of those such people.

[Telecaster68]

I'd have thought most sexual people would be fine with anyone not wanting to have sex, but as Philip says, when it means they can't have sex either as a condition of the relationship, whatever initial good intentions there may be, it's tough to live.

It's anecdotal, but there are two enduring 'mixed' relationships on this forum that I've noticed - Tar's and JustAGirl's - and neither has been without problems over the lack of sex. Compare that to the number of posts mentioned splitting up over it.

[Qloshae]

Which still means that a relationship with a high sex drive sexual who respects and accepts you as you are is absolutely possible.

A sexual person that would still be happy and willing to pursue a relationship with someone who does not intend to partake in sex with them? Sorry, but I think that's a rare breed. I think it does aces (or any other sort of sex-repulsed people) a disservice to try to convince them otherwise or that it's someone they are likely to find if they keep looking.

Now, there might be plenty of (sexual) cool folks out there who are conceptually okay with the idea of people not wanting/desiring sex and could even befriend those sorts of people, but my wager is that the majority of them will nevertheless see it as something they could not handle in their own relationships. Recently was linked a story of one of those such people.

Let's be clear here. Asexual =/= Sex repulsed.

[Telecaster68]

Absolutely it doesn't, but it does mean they can't have any sexual desire for their partner, and that's at least as hard for sexuals to deal with. Some people can live with the compromise of their partner only getting the comparatively milder pleasure of doing it out of love, but the heat of desire can't be there and longer term that can be wearing on both sides.

And because of that absence of asexuals' own desire, sex tends to be less frequent as well as passion free, like monthly rather than a couple of times a week, for instance. Plus it's a compromise and source of tension for both sides rather than a source of joy.

Obviously this is anecdotal, and tendencies rather than a universal absolute truth, but it does seem to be the prevalent model from what I've read. Nice as it is to cheerlead, I'm not sure it helps keeps people's expectations realistic.

[Tarfeather]

Which still means that a relationship with a high sex drive sexual who respects and accepts you as you are is absolutely possible.

A sexual person that would still be happy and willing to pursue a relationship with someone who does not intend to partake in sex with them? Sorry, but I think that's a rare breed. I think it does aces (or any other sort of sex-repulsed people) a disservice to try to convince them otherwise or that it's someone they are likely to find if they keep looking.

Now, there might be plenty of (sexual) cool folks out there who are conceptually okay with the idea of people not wanting/desiring sex and could even befriend those sorts of people, but my wager is that the majority of them will nevertheless see it as something they could not handle in their own relationships. Recently was linked a story of one of those such people.

Let's be clear here. Asexual =/= Sex repulsed.

That was the implicit assumption anyway. We were specifically talking about asexuals who would rather not have sex if possible (not necessarily repulsed). Geez, I wish people would actually take the time to understand my points. >_<

And because of that absence of asexuals' own desire, sex tends to be less frequent as well as passion free, like monthly rather than a couple of times a week, for instance. Plus it's a compromise and source of tension for both sides rather than a source of joy.

Obviously this is anecdotal, and tendencies rather than a universal absolute truth, but it does seem to be the prevalent model from what I've read. Nice as it is to cheerlead, I'm not sure it helps keeps people's expectations realistic.

But that might just be a problem of a silent majority. You don't know how many mixed, happy couples there are out there who simply don't feel a need to talk a great deal about their relationship.

On that note, though, if it turns out that my functional, no-sex mixed relationship is something totally rare and unique, I won't be mad either. I just assume that it's not because of a (maybe false) sense of humility. It's kind of a win-win scenario for me.

[Telecaster68]

Yeah, it might. On the other hand the Dead Bedrooms subreddit has 30,000 subscribers.

[Philip027]

Let's be clear here. Asexual =/= Sex repulsed.

That would be why I explicitly stated there are other sex-repulsed people that might not necessarily be asexual. It's right there in what you quoted, if you had bothered to read it before deciding to single me out.

That aside though, I'd be willing to put down money saying that it's more likely for asexuals to be repulsed than sexuals, which is why I singled them out first before including my caveat.

We were specifically talking about asexuals who would rather not have sex if possible (not necessarily repulsed).

Uhh, the ones who would rather not ARE repulsed. Otherwise, they'd be classified as indifferent (they don't consider the issue / don't care one way or the other) or favorable (they rather would have sex if possible).

[Telecaster68]

I dunno. On the 'how sensual would you like to be' thread, there seemed to be quite a lot of asexuals would be okayish with sexualish stuff (sleeping naked with a partner, kissing and touching naked bodies) if it was necessary in a relationship, but given the choice, wouldn't want to. They're probably not repulsed, but it's more than indifference.

Wait... there's asexuals who'd like to have sex if possible now? I'm not going there...

[Meudwen]

I think Hooded_Crow nailed it on the head.

It sounds like you might be demisexual to me. But it's not up to me, or anyone else to decide what it is you feel. I wish there was a clear cut answer because I'd love to have one too, but that's the way of things. You can poke around the forum and learn more, look on the AVEN wiki and read up about what the different sexualities are -- asexuality, grey-asexuality, and demisexuality should start you off nicely. Think about what those are, and how you feel.

It could very well be that you will find someone who you find yourself attracted to, platonically, emotionally, aesthetically, or romantically, maybe even sexually, or at least willing to have sex with because you love them and want them to be happy. Even if you never really have an interest in sex, you can still find the act enjoyable for a number of reasons. Asexual doesn't mean you can't have sex. However, if you realize that you really don't want sex even when you love your partner deeply, that is fine too.

As for finding people attractive on a deeper level - maybe stop trying to find a date and just try to find friends. If you're demisexual, then things should evolve naturally from there.

[Philip027]

Wait... there's asexuals who'd like to have sex if possible now? I'm not going there...

Put very simply, there's aces that still enjoy sex in a general sense even if they aren't necessarily attracted to their partners in a sexual sense.

This is assuming you go strictly by the attraction definition of asexuality, which not everyone does. (I'd have a hard time calling such people entirely asexual, myself)

[Telecaster68]

I can understand the wanting to have sex for your partner's sake isn't sexual, but as soon as it becomes 'if possible', that's sex for your own sake, to another person, to whom you are attracted. How you're then someone who doesn't feel sexual attraction to another person baffles me.

[Philip027]

that's sex for your own sake, to another person, to whom you are attracted.

Latter part isn't a requirement. Some folks just like sex and don't particularly care who they get it from, and if they subscribe to the attraction definition of asexuality, they are still technically asexual. For some of those people, it still might just happen "easiest" with someone who is already their romantic partner, and isn't necessarily indicative of sexual attraction towards that person.

Again, it kinda depends on what you feel constitutes as asexuality. There is definitely a difference though between feeling sexual attraction to someone and just feeling a desire for sex in general.

[Telecaster68]

Latter part isn't a requirement.

I was trying to cover the 'wanting sex with other people' part.

Some folks just like sex and don't particularly care who they get it from, and if they subscribe to the attraction definition of asexuality, they are still technically asexual.

The effect of which being they'll sleep with anyone, and still call themselves asexual? That's just obtuse.

AVEN can be great support for people confused by whatever sexuality they're discovering about themselves, but it does get insane sometimes.

[Philip027]

The effect of which being they'll sleep with anyone, and still call themselves asexual? That's just obtuse.

That'd be why not everyone subscribes solely to the attraction definition of things. (Personally, I don't either)

[Qloshae]

Let's be clear here. Asexual =/= Sex repulsed.

That would be why I explicitly stated there are other sex-repulsed people that might not necessarily be asexual. It's right there in what you quoted, if you had bothered to read it before deciding to single me out.

That doesn't actually change anything.

I mean, yes. There are sex repulsed people who are not asexual, but there are also asexuals that are not sex repulsed.

-S-A vs A-(-S)

Also, I wasn't arguing, I was just making a point so anyone wondering if they are asexual or not wouldn't think that not being sex repulsed meant they aren't asexual.

[Philip027]

Okay, whatever. Still think it's a whole lot more likely for aces to be repulsed (or otherwise tire of sexual relationships) than anyone else, so that is why I mentioned them specifically first.

And I still don't get why you pulled out some "all aces are sex repulsed" stereotype from my post when I never actually said that explicitly.