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How do I not be asexual?


drummergirl600

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drummergirl600

I'm sorry but I'm not sure there's any other way to say it - How do I not be asexual? I'm really sorry if this offends anybody, and I know, I should be happy with myself yadda yadda, but I just want a normal relationship.

Some background. I think I might be asexual? I'm pretty new to labels. I'm a 20-yr-old female. I'm a virgin. I masterbate often, but I've never fantasized about anyone I know or have ever met. I've kissed and made out with a lot of boys (and a couple girls), but I hate it. The first few times I did it I had to wash my mouth out for several minutes and thought I was going to be sick. I still kind of have to do that? And the thought of going further definitely makes me nauseous and gives me unbelievable amounts of anxiety. I have guys that I like - a lot - but when anything physical seems like it's going to happen this problem gets in the way and I become disgusted with them and can't hang around them any more.

I really, really don't want to be this way, though. It's not that I dislike asexuals or asexuality! It's just I, personally, want a boyfriend who I can fall in love with. Is there any way for me to at least get over my anxiety? Any advice is really appreciated.

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You can't just as much as you can't stop being gay or straight. There's a meetup section on here; look for one in your area or create your own. And there are asexual dating sites too.

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Welcome to AVEN! We're not offended by this, drummergirl; a number of people coming to AVEN have indicated how uncomfortable they are with being asexual.

But you are who you are. We can't tell you if you are asexual; all I can say to you is that you shouldn't do anything you don't want to do -- with anyone, even if you really like them. I did for years and I wish I hadn't, although I did (and do) love the two men I was with.

Asexuality is getting to be fairly well known now, and more information about it means that there will be better chances to meet other asexuals with whom you can have a relationship. And there are people on AVEN who are in "mixed" relationships -- asexual and sexual -- and some of them have made acceptable compromises.

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You don't wanna go down that slope, it would be a life in denial. If you really want a relationship without trouble being made over this, then your best shot is really meeting other asexuals

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You can't change the fact that your asexual. If don't like kissing/physical stuff, don't do it. It not good for you or your relationship. Instead you should be honest, there are other people out there that don't like those things either. Physical stuff is not a requirement for been in love.

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You could try talking to a therapist to determine the root of your anxiety - it is possible that's it's more of a social anxiety or discomfort with physical interaction, and you may be able to work past at least some of it. However, if you are asexual, you will not be completely "normal" - but it doesn't mean you can't fall in love or come to enjoy sex at least somewhat.

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Is it possible for you to look into sensual relationships? There can be romance but no sex. Finding other asexuals might be a good idea too.

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somethingrandom

I understand how realising you're asexual can be upsetting to begin with but you shouldn't be ashamed of who you are - I know how it's hard to see everyone else in 'normal' relationships but there is no normal! Do you think it's normal to have to force yourself to kiss someone and hate yourself afterwards? Do what you are comfortable with, you shouldn't have to feel sick after kissing someone - if you don't like it then why do it?

Please don't be upset for who you are, society makes out that when you're in your 20s you should have had sex and a few partners but it shouldn't be like that. So what if youre a virgin? If the idea makes you feel so uncomfortable then do not do it just to feel 'normal'.

There are so many people on here you can talk to, you can PM me if you want but please don't hate yourself for being asexual.

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It's just I, personally, want a boyfriend who I can fall in love with.

Being asexual doesn't prevent you from doing so. You can have a relationship without kissing or sex if that's what you prefer. Just be upfront about that from the start and avoid jerks who try to bully you into something you don't want.

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I certainly don't have enough information about you just from reading that post to provide any confident answers. It's quite possible that you are just going through what a majority of young women experience, and it's quite possible (maybe likely) that you are sex-averse or sex repulsed. In either case, you may need some time of silent introspection and you should be as honest as you can with yourself and your romantic partners about how you feel and what you like.

A couple of thoughts: Not enjoying kissing isn't the same as not enjoying sex; I've met a lot of women who love having sex but absolutely refuse to kiss on the lips. Anxiety is very common for people having a physical relationship for the first time; even for guys like myself. I have never tried mutual masturbation with a partner, but it might be something that interests you and somebody that you have romantic feelings for and it could be worth a try if you're both comfortable with each other.

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If you are asexual, then you're not going to be able to change that, however you can choose to not identify as asexual. In fact, if you wish you can choose any label that feels right, you can even change that label as often as you wish.

Don't let asexuality stop you from pursuing the relationship you want. That said, there may be a conflict between the relationship you want and the relationship you would be comfortable in, but only you can resolve such a conflict.

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date an asexual - problem solved!

find asexual men in your area that you are compatible with - new problem created!

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I think the main problem might stem from the fact that you seem to believe that having a relationship means sex has to be involved. It doesn't.

Love =/= having sex. Romance and sex are not the same thing. You can have romance without sex, and you can have sex without romance.

I know that mainstream culture can sure as heck make it feel like not having sex is a bad thing (while at the same time wanting everyone to abstain from sex, go figure that one out! :P ) but there is 100% absolutely nothing wrong with never having sex. It isn't necessary in order to have a stable and loving relationship. In fact, the people who lose interest if you don't 'put out' soon enough into dating, or frequently enough, are really repulsive to me. I can't imagine basing a relationship entirely on sex.

I second what everyone else has suggested - there are ace dating websites where you can find other asexuals close to you that you might connect with. That way, you could have a romantic relationship without the pressures of having a sexual one.

That said, if the idea of dating an asexual doesn't make you sigh with relief and you're still dead set on having a relationship with sex involved (which, to be fair, I have this same hang-up) then I could make some suggestions, but bear in mind that if you try to pressure yourself into doing something you are just not comfortable with, you could end up making things much worse for yourself down the line, and I'd rather see you happy and safe and comfortable with yourself and your relationships. Like I said, a relationship does not need to involve sex.

Maybe take some time and really think about why you want a relationship to include sex - is it something you actually want, or is it just something you feel is expected of you?

Why would you want to have sex? To please the partner you're with? To experience it? To feel more intimate with your partner?

You don't need to answer right away, or at all, but I think these questions would be a good starting point.

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Just because you're asexual doesn't mean you cannot ever have a boyfriend. You could try to search for asexual boys/men, or someone who doesn't mind not having sex.

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Love =/= having sex. Romance and sex are not the same thing.

On that same note, love =/= romance.

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Love =/= having sex. Romance and sex are not the same thing.

On that same note, love =/= romance.

True that. There's different types of love and romantic love is only one of them. Didn't mean to imply otherwise. ^_^

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