Am I asexual/aromantic/demi?

[EveyHeart]

I was going to write a swift «am I asexual/aromantic?» entry, but I’m apparently starved for a conversation partner, seeing how this monstrosity was born. (That’s what you get from working 9 hours alone every day with only like 1-6 customers every hour and no one to actually talk to!!!!) Anyway, I understand how the length might make this unreadable, so let me apologize in advance. I kinda just needed to write down what I was thinking and feeling, and there isn’t someone I can talk about this with, so on the internet it goes. If anyone takes the time to read this and maybe even give me some sort of response, I would be forever grateful! (And please forgive any typos or grammatical errors, English isn’t my first language!)

Sooo. Where to begin. I am a 20 year old girl, and I am uncertain in my sexuality. Or, I’m getting kinda certain, but hearing someone else’s opinion might be helpful when you’re stuck discussing it over and over with yourself.

I have never really concerned myself too much with sexuality, as I firmly believe that love is love no matter what. I also didn’t worry to much about myself, thinking that I’d eventually figure it all out, probably when Prince Charming swept me off my feet, catching me just as I fainted from how much «luuuuv» I’d be feeling. (That’s kinda how reality seems when you grow up as a little nerd spending most of your childhood devouring books and watching fictional couples on TV, right?) I got my first «boyfriend» at age 8, but that was truly completely platonic. Still I felt the need to «break up» just in case when I actually got a real boyfriend (this guy asked me to be his girlfriend, and that makes it a completely legit relationship when your 10.), and that guy I «dated» for about three years. I say «dated», as we didn’t really hang out much, (due to some distance, different schools, and you know, me not actually being all that interested.), and when we did we usually just played my video games or did stuff I’d have done with or without him there. He endured, because «love», right? Poor guy. As our relationship reached the three year mark, with us having met up perhaps, ten times a year? (And a lot of that was at the «youth club» we both attended), we started fooling around. And by that I mostly mean kissing and making out, which was kinda nice (albeit a bit gross, and not something I would usually instigate), but I’d rather keep watching the movie that was on in the background. Being in a relationship (with someone I didn’t feel very relationship-y about) was very tiresome, and so I broke it off at age 13. I figured I was still just a kid, and that this guy wasn’t The One. At all. The guy didn’t quite see it the same way, and he was devastated to learn that we wouldn’t spend the rest of our lives together. (Which, just saying, can’t be normal at age 13 no matter what!!!!)

When I met this guy and started hanging out (through the youth center we both went to somewhat weekly), I felt flattered and excited at his attention, but this quickly faded out and turned into annoyance. I would usually decline spending time together, and to this day I can’t understand how he could take our break-up that hard. However, at the beginning of High School, I met a new guy. Let’s call him Jack. After a couple of months of everyone in class getting to know each other better, we became fast friends. We would talk for hours, we shared a lot of interests, and he was easily my new best friend. (Still is, actually.) His attention made me feel the same way as I did with Guy1, and I decided this was most definitely a crush. We started dating, (or rather, we became girlfriend and boyfriend, and hung out in class like we’d used too.) This lasted roughly two months, and I quickly became stressed, annoyed and uncomfortable being around Jack alone. When I broke up, he was a bit upset, but in the end I think he saw that it was inevitable. During the period we were together we kissed goodbye once, a peck on the lips like your relative might give you. I told people I broke up because I realized I felt like Jack was my brother, and that I really liked him but not «like that». After a while, when we were speaking again, Jack actually mentioned that he found me a bit weird while we were dating, seeing as I didn’t appear interested in anything sexual. Or intimate, at all. «I was thinking you might be, like, asexual, or something», he said, and I said «of course not», because I’m not. How could I be, when I’ve always felt like I have a high sex-drive and have masturbated frequently for at least ten years?

I decided that because my life was changing a lot, and I was going to move once every year in the next few years, it wasn’t the right time for a relationship. (Oh denial, you are my friend.) Also, I didn’t really want one beyond the promise of someone who was «mine» and knew me better than anyone, and would stroke my hair and sometimes cuddle and maybe live with me and… Basically a really touchy-feely best friend, in other words. I have had a lot of friends, and some of them even quite close too me, but our personal space is kinda huge, and we don’t usually touch beyond a hug hello or goodbye.

The reason why I’m reconsidering my life and choices right now, is because I’ve moved away from home and am living in a much bigger city. I’ve met a lot of new people, and two guys have now asked me out. In the span of one week. And as I panicked, and chanted to myself «no no no, I do not want to go out with you, no thanks, not gonna happen NOPE» I called my friend to complain, and her comment kinda stuck with me. I told her how TWO guys were asking me out, and she said, «you know, this is kinda the opposite of a problem!»

Which is true, seeing as «everybody» is thinking about sex every few seconds, and «hitting that» and thinking someone's «hot» or, excuse my language, «fuckable", while I’m just as into sex as everybody else… I just don’t really want to have it. With another person. Like, I’m just fine doing stuff to myself? Feels good, get’s it done the right way, and doesn’t have to include someone else and make it all emotionally messy. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that while I truly enjoy porn, erotica, smut, etc., I never actually envision another person while masturbating. I usually just think about the same stuff as usual, like what I should make for dinner, or what will happen in that tv show tomorrow night. And while I am more than capable of finding someone aesthetically pleasing, I never look at someone and think «I’d like to sleep with him/her, cause daym s/he’s sexy». And if I do, it feels completely hypothetical, and I don’t think I’d have gone through with it if the person actually offered? I sometimes feel really excited about new acquaintances, and I’d call it a crush, but it isn’t really romantic. It’s more the potential of a new and maybe someday close friend, I think. And as it dawned on me that being completely panicked and downright upset and angry because someone asks you out isn’t «normal». My internal rant went somewhat like this, «why does he have to upset the status quo? WHY? We’re friends, and YES I want to watch a movie, and have dinner, and cuddle on the couch, and do stuff and hang out and talk every day, but I don’t want your body parts inside me! And that’s apparently what you want, because why else would you ask me out on a date when we’re just becoming friends?! NOT FAIR, now I might have to stop hanging out with you if you only want me for the potential of a relationship, what a mess!» I’ve censored out the bad words, because I am a classy lady. Sometimes. Of course I didn’t write anything like this in response, it went more like «sure, that would nice :)», all the while thinking that after a date or two the whole thing would just die out when he realized that there was nothing there, or I (forcibly) pointed it out, like I’d already done twice before.

I had to tell one of the guys asking me out that I’m not looking for a relationship right now, (cause he was moving waaaaay fast, and asking me out every. single. day.), but I’m more than open for a friendship. (Cliche much? However, in reality I haven’t lived here long, and I have about three friends (who doesn’t know each other) that I see once a month, so new friends; very welcome indeed.) He answered that he understood that I felt we were moving to fast, and that he’d respect that even though he couldn’t help any «accidental feelings occurring over time» or whatever. Which is fine, seeing as I don’t think I’m gonna be his new lover no matter how many sparkly, magical rainbow fairies spray us in love dust. However it does make me feel «disconnected» or "on the outside", like there’s something most everybody else is experiencing and I’m just «wrong». I’ll be sitting at a bar watching a friend make out with someone she literally met twenty minutes ago, and I’ll think «this is completely weird. What the? Why would you do that with a stranger? ….why do it at all». I’m not a prude or a grandma, but I just don’t get the appeal.

But seeing as I’ve never had sex, I feel like I should at least try if the right person came along? I’m kind of feeling like my obvious conclusion to everything would be that I’m actually asexual(??) or aromantic(???), but how can I know? When I’ve tried to read up on this, it states that an ace/arom doesn’t feel sexual attraction, but I can’t know if I've felt sexual attraction if I actually can’t feel it?! Right? I’ve always been awfully interested in sex, but not in the «experimenting as a twelve year old» or playing doctor, but more like a scientist finding out how things work, how it all fits together, and what other people do. (And also how it seems to have everyone else in a frenzy, doing their alcohol-soaked mating dances, or sticking their tongues down each others throat in a CLASSROOM. (Seriously though, you’re fourteen years old, please don’t have foreplay on a desk during recess, oh God, please. <- traumatic real life experiences.)

Sometimes I do feel horny and think about truly «doing it» with another person, but thinking really hard about really doing it with this person may actually result in me no longer being in the mood. The only time I’ve felt like taking it further was under the influence of (not much) alcohol, making out with my best (female) friend for (then) give or take 12 years. She’s the only person I can imagine actually spending my life with, and it doesn’t make it seem less possible in my head seeing as she’s actually a lesbian.

But if the only person I might want to be «more» with has known me for 15 years, and been my closest friend for half of those, does that mean I’m probably demisexual? And I’m scared that the only reason I actually want a romantic relationship with anyone is for intimacy and having someone to be with, (and kids, dogs, suburban life, white picket fence, like «normal people» have), which isn’t really enough for most of the guys asking me out - expecting a «real» girlfriend happy to have sex and give blowjobs (just no) and making out and being all lovey-dovey with pet names and…. Sigh. I think I could put up with all that if it got me cuddles, intimacy and a best friend in return, but in the end that wouldn’t be fair to my partner. «Enduring» sexual activities isn’t the best foundation for a lasting relationship, or so I’ve heard. Haha.

(And no, I am absolutely not saying that being asexual is «abnormal». I honestly would be perfectly fine living without sex, I think. As long as I had a partner that loved me and «got me», and I could still get off on my own. However, even though my relatives support my claims that having kids now (at 20) is insane, they do inquire after potential boyfriends from time to time. (That’s all people my age care about, having 15 boyfriends a year, isn’t it?) Telling them that I actually have lots of suitors isn’t really something I’ll do, because that only makes everything worse. On the other hand, right now they’re all sympathetic and a bit sad for me, because I can’t get a boyfriend (and I’ll probably die alone surrounded by my 30 cats. No, but seriously, they don’t even think that, it isn’t a possibility because I’m gonna reach the top and become prime minister or something, and of course I’ll get married and have lot’s of crazy sex and make babies. And I do (really) want kids, I just don’t really want to do the nasty. Or necessarily have a father in the picture. This is a mess.)

Anyway, I’m pretty much done with vol. 1 of my autobiography, but I’ll have to say, writing all this was pretty therapeutic.

Finally I would like to know if anyone has any insights on how I should go on about «coming out» if the need should arise. I've pretty much been living on Tumblr these past couple of months, and even though I only follow fandom blogs the whole LGBT, Kinsley scale, CIS, feminism, racism, etc, etc, etc.-side of Tumblr have reached me pretty well. However, even as I’ve suddenly discovered the existence of asexuality and the likes, a lot of the people I surround myself with would probably think I’d experienced some sort of sexual abuse, that I just have a low sex drive due to mental problems, that I didn’t get enough love and intimacy from my parents as a child, that their divorce «broke» me, or so on. What are some good answers to what asexuality is? How do you usually say no to potential suitors? And not just strangers, but friends who’d like to take it a step further? Keep in mind that I might not be shy, but I’m not forward, direct, blunt or bold at all either! I’m much more likely to fumble out a polite and vague answer than say what I think and feel, which is something I’m working on. But it ain’t easy.

And finally finally, you know… Am I asexual or aromantic? Demi? Something new and exciting I don’t even know exist yet? :)

[nerdperson777]

I think you could be asexual. All the description says is that you don't experience sexual attraction. Some asexual people masturbate and have sex with others, but the latter is not for their own sexual pleasure. I'm not as sure if you're aromantic. There's nothing wrong with wanting a touchy best friend. I'm doing that now. :)

Maybe you want a queerplatonic relationship (QPR). It's anything but romantic. I think it's also not sexual but I may have gotten that part wrong. And with everything, there's grey- to account for those moments that you had an exception.

[Amathy]

While it may seem urgent to label yourself, give yourself a break. Labels are only as important as you make them. No need to get stressed out about it. If it makes you feel more comfortable, though, perhaps identifying as being on the asexual spectrum may work better for you currently than identifying with a specific term.

Sexual drive is very different than sexual attraction. keep that in mind. Also fascination about sex also has nothing to do with orientation.

You don't need to have sex to identify on the asexual spectrum. Also, once you identify with a label, it is not perminant. You can also enjoy sexual activities and still be asexual. Asexuality is based on attraction, not pleasure.

Those on the asexual spectrum can be in healthy relationships with Sexual people. Keep open communication and emotional connection. both people need to decide what's unfair.

Hope this helpS.

[skychevalier]

Thank you for sharing. A lot of what you said resonates with me. I'd say that if the ace label is useful to you, take it.

I found a QP-type partner on OKCupid recently. We had some super clear conversations about expectations, and how neither of us wanted to make a sexual or romantic commitment, but wanted support, cuddles, etc. It worked amazingly well. Communication is key.