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Can we talk about dominance for a bit?


Heart

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Loses you? The thing is, it's not supposed to win you over.

What I meant is, I don't get it. You say it's "well known" and "easy to understand" but to me I wouldn't say it is either.

By "well known" I mean that there is an enormous body of research that describes the interrelationship between pain, and the release of certain feel-good chemicals (e.g. endorphins). The scope and application of this research extends far beyond BDSM. A simple googling of terms like pain, endorphins, masochism, will yield countless results and you can investigate this relationship further for yourself, if you are interested or remain skeptical.

As for easy to understand, I mean that it is an easy concept to understand intellectually. Research shows that pain is one of the major mechanisms that can trigger the release of endorphins --> these chemicals have an opiate-like effect on the body => people find pleasure in pain. It's the logical reasoning that I described as easy, not the ability to feel what a masochist feels, which would be damn near impossible for a non-masochist.

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The logical reasoning isn't obvious to me. What I was taught in school about our nervous systems is how sensations like pain exist as a feedback system that teaches us to *avoid* whatever causes it.

Seeking out pain because the person finds it enjoyable somehow, while not totally unheard of, is still something I don't think most people really comprehend. Just because a lot of research/studies/whatever were done on it doesn't make it inherently obvious. I'm sure you could find a lot of research done on asexuality, too, but people still remain ignorant about it.

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Loses you? The thing is, it's not supposed to win you over.

What I meant is, I don't get it. You say it's "well known" and "easy to understand" but to me I wouldn't say it is either.

By "well known" I mean that there is an enormous body of research that describes the interrelationship between pain, and the release of certain feel-good chemicals (e.g. endorphins). The scope and application of this research extends far beyond BDSM. A simple googling of terms like pain, endorphins, masochism, will yield countless results and you can investigate this relationship further for yourself, if you are interested or remain skeptical.

As for easy to understand, I mean that it is an easy concept to understand intellectually. Research shows that pain is one of the major mechanisms that can trigger the release of endorphins --> these chemicals have an opiate-like effect on the body => people find pleasure in pain. It's the logical reasoning that I described as easy, not the ability to feel what a masochist feels, which would be damn near impossible for a non-masochist.

The logical reasoning isn't obvious to me. What I was taught in school about our nervous systems is how sensations like pain exist as a feedback system that teaches us to *avoid* whatever causes it.

Seeking out pain because the person finds it enjoyable somehow, while not totally unheard of, is still something I don't think most people really comprehend. Just because a lot of research/studies/whatever were done on it doesn't make it inherently obvious. I'm sure you could find a lot of research done on asexuality, too, but people still remain ignorant about it.

Hey gents, I'll find you proper scientific papers in a few days when I'm not drowning in school work, but my understanding is that the initial response to pain is via the sympathetic nervous system and epinephrine/norepinephrine. Basically, pain can give you a kind of adrenaline rush. So some people may go "awesome! Adrenaline! WHOOO on top of the world!" and others may respond with "this HURTS make it stop." Both are totally valid responses. Context and level of arousal can also play a role. When I've got a solid grasp of feedback mechanisms I'll let you know, but the point is you're both right in different ways.

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Hey gents, I'll find you proper scientific papers in a few days when I'm not drowning in school work, but my understanding is that the initial response to pain is via the sympathetic nervous system and epinephrine/norepinephrine. Basically, pain can give you a kind of adrenaline rush. So some people may go "awesome! Adrenaline! WHOOO on top of the world!" and others may respond with "this HURTS make it stop." Both are totally valid responses. Context and level of arousal can also play a role. When I've got a solid grasp of feedback mechanisms I'll let you know, but the point is you're both right in different ways.

Did you just sabotage our plan of endless squabbling???! For shame!

Jokes aside though, a more detailed post on the feedback mechanisms involved sounds great.

Also, +1 to the importance of context. I've never encountered a masochist who enjoys any and all kinds of pain, under whichever conditions are present. I wonder do they exist actually...

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I'm not into BDSM, but like Heart, I have talked to people who have been because I was simply curious.

The general vibe that I picked up from them was that BDSM was not really about domination and submission, but purely two people having fun in an alternative way. I was always quickly corrected in my misconception that the 'dominant' is in control, and informed that it is actually the 'submissive' for the most part who is in charge of deciding what's going to happen and the dominant simply carries out those wishes. I guess to some participants the concept of bring restrained and so on places the submissive at the mercy of the dominant, but it seems also that the existence of a 'safe word' negates any sense of true control since the dominant is required to stop whatever he or she is doing as soon as that word is used.

It has also been pointed out to me that BDSM is not a 'sexual' activity and that, while it may involve sexual contact, arousal is not the ultimate goal and many people take mental and psychological stimulation from it without achieving or even approaching orgasm. Whether or not that's true or is just the BDSM community's way of defending itself against accusations of being 'pervy', I don't know.

(If the above is a load of tosh please don't blame me, I'm just repeating what those into the 'scene' have told me!)

Having explored BDSM, I've found that it has no draw erotically for me. That said, there do also seem to be those in what I would call 'BDSM art', with hours spent on precise and intricate ropework not for the purposes of doing anything to the person tied up, but for the sake of photographing it. That I can respect enormously because of the time and attention that goes into it - and because I'm hopeless at tying knots myself so my hat goes off to anyone who can make a living sculpture out of them!!

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Hey gents, I'll find you proper scientific papers in a few days when I'm not drowning in school work, but my understanding is that the initial response to pain is via the sympathetic nervous system and epinephrine/norepinephrine. Basically, pain can give you a kind of adrenaline rush. So some people may go "awesome! Adrenaline! WHOOO on top of the world!" and others may respond with "this HURTS make it stop." Both are totally valid responses. Context and level of arousal can also play a role. When I've got a solid grasp of feedback mechanisms I'll let you know, but the point is you're both right in different ways.

Did you just sabotage our plan of endless squabbling???! For shame!

Jokes aside though, a more detailed post on the feedback mechanisms involved sounds great.

Also, +1 to the importance of context. I've never encountered a masochist who enjoys any and all kinds of pain, under whichever conditions are present. I wonder do they exist actually...

I am a horrible person who clearly hates fun and kills all internet squabbling because EVERYONE SHOULD BE HAPPY OKAY. I have some prelim stuff for you guys to read and can give you more details in a couple of days if you don't mind waiting. I just have something that's really important going on and need to stay focused (technically I shouldn't even be on here!).

Here are articles. Explanations on dopamine and endogenous opiates to follow

Laymans: http://news.harvard.edu/gazette/2002/01.31/01-pain.html

http://blogs.scientificamerican.com/scicurious-brain/it-hurts-so-good-the-runners-high/

SCIENCE: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2581873/

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3763092/

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I would like to point out, that I'm not saying that I'm disbelieving. I just don't agree with the idea that this is a common sort of knowledge, and pointing out that I think school actually teaches (most of) us the opposite sort of thinking.

For the record, I may not be much of a runner but there have been times where I have had to run (for me) long distances... stupid PE classes... they didn't do anything except cause me to want to die. No sort of high was achieved. It sure would have been nice if I could have gotten one, because the only real thing that was motivating me at all was my grade.

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scarletlatitude

I can agree that school definitely doesn't teach that this kind of stuff is okay. That's probably why we get a lot of adults who don't realize what BDSM is, and think it's all 50 Shades of Grey and all that crap. Sexual education is something that is sorely lacking in most of the world.... and the media/internet is the only way that people learn about these things... and sadly they are not usually as well informed as our AVEN members.

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I am a horrible person who clearly hates fun and kills all internet squabbling because EVERYONE SHOULD BE HAPPY OKAY. I have some prelim stuff for you guys to read and can give you more details in a couple of days if you don't mind waiting. I just have something that's really important going on and need to stay focused (technically I shouldn't even be on here!).

Here are articles. Explanations on dopamine and endogenous opiates to follow

Laymans: http://news.harvard.edu/gazette/2002/01.31/01-pain.html

http://blogs.scientificamerican.com/scicurious-brain/it-hurts-so-good-the-runners-high/

SCIENCE: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2581873/

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3763092/

Well look, as long as you have enough self-awareness to realize you're a horrible person, we can forgive you.

That's actually a very interesting article - well, at least the layman's version. I'm sure the other one is very interesting too but I guess I got a little confused with the terms, because I wasn't able to see where they mentioned the point that the area governing pleasure lit up briefly before activation of the better-known pain circuits. I'm sure it's there somewhere!

Have you stumbled upon any other articles in recent times that are worth checking out? Overall I still think that there's a dearth of accessible research out there.

Though, now that I think about it, there's probably even less research as to what may motivate the top/dominant to exercise control, or treat their partner sadistically. I guess that's a lot harder to do research on since their body isn't being acted upon in any way.

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Honestly, RicecreamMan has a much better answer to this question than I could ever put out, and it's up on the kink BDSM and cake boards if anyone would like to read it.

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Do you know offhand on what page it is? Because I worked through the whole thread and never saw a post by him discussing the appeal of D/s from the dominant's perspective. it's possible that I missed it owing to the size of the thread.

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Oh. Well, if you'd like the appeal of D/s from a dominant's perspective, I can assist you there. Is that something you're curious for hearing about? I just thought we were looking at the neurology of pain sensation and why that could be confused with pleasure. But if it's why do dom(mes) want to dom, I can help with that.

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Oh. Well, if you'd like the appeal of D/s from a dominant's perspective, I can assist you there. Is that something you're curious for hearing about? I just thought we were looking at the neurology of pain sensation and why that could be confused with pleasure. But if it's why do dom(mes) want to dom, I can help with that.

Go for it. I mean I find the neurology of pain to be fascinating too, but I think in general there's more out there about it. Plus, on a personal level I get it (even though I'm not a crazy hardcore masochist or anything, I still can find certain painful sensations appealing in context). But, the dominant/top side of things intrigues me. In part because of this thing I've been thinking about. Basically, I find that the s in D/s appeals to me in part because by submitting, I achieve a sort of psychic release. It seems paradoxical I know, but I guess it makes sense. You relinquish control and in that process, you get a kind of freedom; or at least a kind of flow. Because you literally have to go with the flow, and so long as you deeply trust that the direction of your top/dominant will not bring you into serious harm then you can just let go.

But the dominant and even the sadist perspective, I find it a little more challenging to wrap my head around. My speculation is that, in the same way that I (and other sub-leaning folk) take comfort from loosening our control of how events unfold, the dominant finds it gratifying to be able to increase their control over events, situations, and other people. But even so, I'm sure that at most this is only one piece of the puzzle. I also find sadism kind of tricky to understand, and it's all the more confusing because a small part of me does find sadism appealing (giving, not just receiving) and yet it's tougher to explain. As previously talked about, the appeal for the receiver can, at the very least, be partly explained from a physiological standpoint. But for the sadist, not so, since it's all in his/her head.

So after all that rambling, I'll reiterate that yes, I'd love to hear your own thoughts on it!

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Oh. Well, if you'd like the appeal of D/s from a dominant's perspective, I can assist you there. Is that something you're curious for hearing about? I just thought we were looking at the neurology of pain sensation and why that could be confused with pleasure. But if it's why do dom(mes) want to dom, I can help with that.

Go for it. I mean I find the neurology of pain to be fascinating too, but I think in general there's more out there about it. Plus, on a personal level I get it (even though I'm not a crazy hardcore masochist or anything, I still can find certain painful sensations appealing in context). But, the dominant/top side of things intrigues me. In part because of this thing I've been thinking about. Basically, I find that the s in D/s appeals to me in part because by submitting, I achieve a sort of psychic release. It seems paradoxical I know, but I guess it makes sense. You relinquish control and in that process, you get a kind of freedom; or at least a kind of flow. Because you literally have to go with the flow, and so long as you deeply trust that the direction of your top/dominant will not bring you into serious harm then you can just let go.

But the dominant and even the sadist perspective, I find it a little more challenging to wrap my head around. My speculation is that, in the same way that I (and other sub-leaning folk) take comfort from loosening our control of how events unfold, the dominant finds it gratifying to be able to increase their control over events, situations, and other people. But even so, I'm sure that at most this is only one piece of the puzzle. I also find sadism kind of tricky to understand, and it's all the more confusing because a small part of me does find sadism appealing (giving, not just receiving) and yet it's tougher to explain. As previously talked about, the appeal for the receiver can, at the very least, be partly explained from a physiological standpoint. But for the sadist, not so, since it's all in his/her head.

So after all that rambling, I'll reiterate that yes, I'd love to hear your own thoughts on it!

All right! I'm still a little braindead but I'll do my best. Science stuff may have to come later because I'm a teeny bit scienced out. First off, my bias is coming as a domme who does not want anything to do with sadomasochism. I'm not interested in causing my partner pain for the sake of causing them pain; it may be a side effect of what goes on, but it's not an end goal. I identify as bondage giver/Dominant. I'm also speaking from the hypothetical because I do not have nor ever have had a sub. So all mentions of partner are purely hypothetical and theoretical. If I say anything that anyone finds problematic or unsafe, call me out.

For me, there are four main important things that appeal to me about being a domme: trust, control, taking care of my partner, and aesthetic/artistry. I'm not sure which of the four you might find confusing, so I'll try to spend time on each of them. this is all from my perspective, and may not be how other dom(me)s work. Also please note that I firmly believe in full and informed consent, and would not attempt anything with a partner without completely and thoroughly discussing all elements of a potential scene with them.

Trust

For me, being trusted by my partner enough not only for them to communicate their desires, but to carry them out, is a huge emotional booster for me. Having that level of trust is just mindblowingly positive for me. It's an expression of that deep unspoken connection I have with someone. It's just an honor and a delight to be asked and part of a discussion with someone about being "in charge" of them. I'm not sure there's much more to say on this other than it's an honor and a privilege to have that trust from someone, and to trust someone else to tell me what they want or don't want.

Control

You pretty much have a good grasp of this, but I'll try to go into more detail if it helps. Honestly? I am a control freak. Everything will go according to plan, and it's even better when it's my plan. To me, knowing how things will happen and being able to control that brings me a sense of inner peace and tranquility. It's not something I can ever have in every day life simply because things are too chaotic for this to ever be a reality. But the times when I do get to have control--like when I set aside my hour to do yoga or practice--it's liberating. It's a way of expressing my own freedom to say this is what I want and I will do it my way. Domming helps me unleash that desire for control in a safe and consensual setting. In the case of domming, it would translate to: you are going to follow my orders, because I know what's best, and dammit you agree with me. It's a way to be in charge that I rarely get to have. Being able to know where I'm going, what I'm doing, and be able to say "yes, I have decided this and we're doing it" is more liberating than I can express in words. I love having the freedom to choose what's going to happen.

Care of partner

I'm one of those mushy nurturing types. Don't get me wrong, I totally have an edge and a darkside, but I do fundamentally care about my partner and it's important to me to be able to take care of them. I'm totally into making my partner feel loved and cared for and totally adored, and whether that means snuggles or pinning them down, I'm up for it. That brings up the other point of yes I am 100% going to care for my partner, but that care in no way precludes unleashing aforementioned dark side. I really want to make my partner feel cared for. Even when--especially when--the domme is on and vicious. The problem with me is actually getting me to feel comfortable enough to use and express that side; I tend to keep that part of me heavily buried because it's weird/undesirable in a female partner. Even if someone could manage to coax me into unleashing my dark side, there is always going to be an underlying concern for my partner and making sure that they feel completely loved and totally safe at all times.

Aesthetic/Artistry

Short point. Bondage just looks pretty pretty pretty. Tying knots properly requires skill, precision, and finesse; things I strive to achieve. Tying a good knot is really satisfying, tying a good knot on somebody I imagine is even better. So yeah, I enjoy being a domme because it would allow me to do precise, gorgeous artwork on my partner.

I think that's all I got, besides I dunno I think it's a delight to be able to tie up my partner and make them squirm. Couldn't tell you why at this present moment, but I will keep soul searching if you're interested. Feel free to ask me to elaborate on anything I've said/ask me questions/call me a lunatic.

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I only have done this in a sexual relationship but I think of its more a pain for pleasure kind of way. You don't start right off from the start with pain, that wouldn't work out for many people. You build up to it kind of like the frog in the boiling water story, you end up having a higher tolerance. I'm a sub at the low end of pain tho no whips,chains,burning ect. I prefer the more mental aspects I guess the teasing, giving up control and there is nothing you can do about it.However, it certainly depends on your partner and the level of your trust/comfort with them. I have panic disorder, I never let my partner tie me up or have that sort of control over me,but i figured out later it was because I didn't trust him on that level and to stop when/if it caused me anxiety. If I found someone I could trust w/my life then I'm pretty sure I would give it a go.

Why do I enjoy it? Not really sure,haven't thought that much of it. I think I like the idea of giving up control,as in real life I'm super anxious and want everything to be in my control. I want to just give myself over and not have to think about it,within boundaries. Its an emotional/mental thing to me cuz i'm pushing myself to trust someone that much.As for the pain it just feels good to me, tho if someone just right off tried to do some things without me being in the right headspace it would probably hurt insanely and I would try to punch them.

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Awesome response, I'd like to pick some stuff out that caught my eye and just add a thing or two here and there. Hope that's cool! f it isn't, well, it's too late now anyway, muahahah.

Trust

For me, being trusted by my partner enough not only for them to communicate their desires, but to carry them out, is a huge emotional booster for me. Having that level of trust is just mindblowingly positive for me. It's an expression of that deep unspoken connection I have with someone. It's just an honor and a delight to be asked and part of a discussion with someone about being "in charge" of them. I'm not sure there's much more to say on this other than it's an honor and a privilege to have that trust from someone, and to trust someone else to tell me what they want or don't want.

Trust is such a huge thing that it always merits mentioning. It's very irritating when people view BDSM as gratuitous violence, as a return to our animal and primitive ways, when that couldn't be further from the truth. I'm biased, but I genuinely believe that BDSM is on the whole a pretty intelligent form of (typically sexual) expression. It requires trust, communication, emotional awareness, integrity, honesty, and so on if it is to be done well.

And trust is such a two-way street, I can see the appeal of receiving that level of trust. But, giving that trust is awesome too. So long as the dominant is worth receiving that trust, that's really important. Some fake dominants think that just by labeling themselves as 'superior' or calling sub-identifying folk 'lowly worms' or something to that effect, that they're going to have subs throwing money at them just for the pleasure of their limited attention. That's not how it works. The foundation of trust is integrity, a person needs to prove themselves worthy of receiving trust. That's why all the good doms/dommes say that being dominant involves a high degree of responsibility and commitment, and why in general such people are very conscientious.


Control

You pretty much have a good grasp of this, but I'll try to go into more detail if it helps. Honestly? I am a control freak. Everything will go according to plan, and it's even better when it's my plan. To me, knowing how things will happen and being able to control that brings me a sense of inner peace and tranquility. It's not something I can ever have in every day life simply because things are too chaotic for this to ever be a reality. But the times when I do get to have control--like when I set aside my hour to do yoga or practice--it's liberating. It's a way of expressing my own freedom to say this is what I want and I will do it my way. Domming helps me unleash that desire for control in a safe and consensual setting. In the case of domming, it would translate to: you are going to follow my orders, because I know what's best, and dammit you agree with me. It's a way to be in charge that I rarely get to have. Being able to know where I'm going, what I'm doing, and be able to say "yes, I have decided this and we're doing it" is more liberating than I can express in words. I love having the freedom to choose what's going to happen.

That makes sense. From a sub's perspective, I tend to think that there are already enough aspects of one's daily life that one needs to be in charge of. Your health, your studies, your work, your finances, you name it. But the distinction you make is worth noting: that while you are obligated to be in charge/responsible for these things, you are far from assured of a definite outcome. Constantly life throws spanners in the works, and I can empathize with the frustration that might be felt by self-confessed control freaks, haha.

Care of partner

I'm one of those mushy nurturing types. Don't get me wrong, I totally have an edge and a darkside, but I do fundamentally care about my partner and it's important to me to be able to take care of them. I'm totally into making my partner feel loved and cared for and totally adored, and whether that means snuggles or pinning them down, I'm up for it. That brings up the other point of yes I am 100% going to care for my partner, but that care in no way precludes unleashing aforementioned dark side. I really want to make my partner feel cared for. Even when--especially when--the domme is on and vicious. The problem with me is actually getting me to feel comfortable enough to use and express that side; I tend to keep that part of me heavily buried because it's weird/undesirable in a female partner. Even if someone could manage to coax me into unleashing my dark side, there is always going to be an underlying concern for my partner and making sure that they feel completely loved and totally safe at all times.

I'd like to comment on a couple of things here. First off, in my (limited) experience talking to women who are genuinely dominant, they almost always stress their desire to make their partner feel loved, cared for and adored. In fact, one of the things you'll hear discussed quite regularly is the concept of 'aftercare' - the importance of taking care of your sub after a scene, because in general they're going to be emotionally fragile at that point. In fact, one of the big pet peeves of dommes is that mainstream BDSM porn perpetuates the notion that femdom is about the male being worthless and the woman being on some sort of unreachable pedestal. Framing a D/s relationship in those terms does a big disservice to those who engage in it as part of their lifestyle. If this paradigm is to be accepted, it would necessarily mean that the woman cannot genuinely care about her partner, as he ultimately has little to no worth as a person. Which is an incredible amount of b.s. since genuine dommes are at least as emotionally invested in their partner as if there wasn't an element of D/s in their relationship.

Aesthetic/Artistry

Short point. Bondage just looks pretty pretty pretty. Tying knots properly requires skill, precision, and finesse; things I strive to achieve. Tying a good knot is really satisfying, tying a good knot on somebody I imagine is even better. So yeah, I enjoy being a domme because it would allow me to do precise, gorgeous artwork on my partner.

Yeah, I think things like Shibari are high up on the artistic end of the BDSM spectrum. And to expand on this, I would say that lots of BDSM activities and scenes can be captured very artistically. In a way, a D/s scene is like a theatrical scene. The people involved are diving into their particular roles, typically different to their day-to-day roles, then being very present in the moment. There's a clear beginning to the scene, a buildup, a direction, and a certain end. Dominants will typically plan ahead and try and map out the direction of how things will go, there are definite similarities to drama. Which might explain why theatre students are notorious for being extremely kinky, just a thought :)

I think that's all I got, besides I dunno I think it's a delight to be able to tie up my partner and make them squirm. Couldn't tell you why at this present moment, but I will keep soul searching if you're interested. Feel free to ask me to elaborate on anything I've said/ask me questions/call me a lunatic.

Your thoughts were very cool to hear. Since you say that you're not quite sure why you delight in tying up your partner, can I offer a theory and you can let me know if it resonates on any level. You said before you love to be in control. When you tie someone, what you're restricting is their ability to move - their dynamism. Now you mentioned you practice yoga. In Hinduism, there is the Tantric couple of Shiva and Shakti, which you might have heard about at some point. I think it's interesting that Shiva is traditionally regarded as limitless and unchanging, while Shakti embodies the energy and dynamism that represents life on the deepest level. No movement, no life.

Now I'm not saying that you're trying to kill someone, haha, but I think it's a very pure form of dominance to restrict a person's capacity to move, because life is ceaseless motion. In doing so, you are asserting your control over an essential part of not only who they are, but of what they are.

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Oh dear. If you're going to keep posting eloquent responses to my random thoughts, I'm going to have to up my game. It's totally fine to make additions, you made some wonderful points that I would like to elaborate on, if I may. If not...oh well?

I'm biased, but I genuinely believe that BDSM is on the whole a pretty intelligent form of (typically sexual) expression. It requires trust, communication, emotional awareness, integrity, honesty, and so on if it is to be done well.

For the record, I am equally biased in a very similar manner.

So long as the dominant is worth receiving that trust, that's really important. Some fake dominants think that just by labeling themselves as 'superior' or calling sub-identifying folk 'lowly worms' or something to that effect, that they're going to have subs throwing money at them just for the pleasure of their limited attention. That's not how it works.

Anyone calling a sub a "worm" or using other derogatory names/forms of address without said sub's permission is considered a bad no good very awful dominant. Bad dom(mes) should be reported to the High Dominant Council, where such transgressors will be dealt with swiftly and without mercy. We take infractions and posers very seriously.

Silliness aside, this is a very important point: I have been fortunate in that all the dom(mes) I have met have been worthy of learning from. There are plenty out there that are not at all as understanding, and see BDSM as an opportunity to make their partner do what they want, no matter what. You are right in saying this is not at all how this works, and I did want to take this opportunity to mention that a Dom(me) who wants total obedience from their partner, against some of their partner's wishes or boundaries, is not someone worth being around. All human beings should be treated with respect. This is not less important in a BDSM dynamic, it is in fact more important.

But the distinction you make is worth noting: that while you are obligated to be in charge/responsible for these things, you are far from assured of a definite outcome. Constantly life throws spanners in the works, and I can empathize with the frustration that might be felt by self-confessed control freaks, haha.

Good point. I have often felt like my life really is not under my control (constant spanners, if you will), so having an opportunity to have control in part of my life that's really important to me is very satisfying.

In fact, one of the things you'll hear discussed quite regularly is the concept of 'aftercare' - the importance of taking care of your sub after a scene, because in general they're going to be emotionally fragile at that point.

I am a horrible person and I feel bad for not bringing up and emphasizing aftercare enough. A "scene" should really have 3 components: a Before, a During, and an After. Before, you should be discussing boundaries, limits, expectations, planning for the scene. During, is, well, during. After is primarily aftercare, where a dom(me) takes care of his or her sub post scene. This can range from cuddles and warm blankets, to food, to addressing sustained injuries, to movies--pretty much whatever a sub needs to feel better after a scene gets done. This is usually just as much fun as a scene is, and should be discussed during the "Before" discussion section. Again, a good dominant should know about this. I know that many subs can feel like they're imposing, or that their dominant doesn't want to do anything that's mushy or compassionate. This is a dirty lie perpetuated by poser dominants who again, need to be reported and taken care of. Dominants will want to do aftercare, as much as they will want to discuss and scene with their sub. For those interested in practicing, I would recommend looking into a phenomenon called "sub drop". This does not occur to all subs, or all the time, but it is worth knowing about and being prepared for.

There's a clear beginning to the scene, a buildup, a direction, and a certain end. Dominants will typically plan ahead and try and map out the direction of how things will go, there are definite similarities to drama. Which might explain why theatre students are notorious for being extremely kinky, just a thought :)

This is a hilarious thought and probably isn't too far from the truth. I have been known to have a flair for the dramatic, and most of the kinksters I know can be quite divas when they try.

Your thoughts were very cool to hear. Since you say that you're not quite sure why you delight in tying up your partner, can I offer a theory and you can let me know if it resonates on any level. You said before you love to be in control. When you tie someone, what you're restricting is their ability to move - their dynamism. Now you mentioned you practice yoga. In Hinduism, there is the Tantric couple of Shiva and Shakti, which you might have heard about at some point. I think it's interesting that Shiva is traditionally regarded as limitless and unchanging, while Shakti embodies the energy and dynamism that represents life on the deepest level. No movement, no life.

Now I'm not saying that you're trying to kill someone, haha, but I think it's a very pure form of dominance to restrict a person's capacity to move, because life is ceaseless motion. In doing so, you are asserting your control over an essential part of not only who they are, but of what they are.

This is an interesting thought. I know very little about Hinduism (my primary yoga instructor comes at the practice from a physiological/mental-wellness perspective), but you make a fascinating point in that this does place limits on "life". I'd never considered the control over the essence, if you will, of a person, although I have been trying to work through the spiritual implications of BDSM, at least for my own head and practice. There is a great deal of technique, artistry, compassion, and trust that is demanded by BDSM, which resulted in endless confusion when someone told me it was inseparable from sex (which isn't too terribly complex and has far fewer rules). The level of trust and the trade of power in a BDSM relationship can be symbolic, or an extension of, the emotional and spiritual components and trades within a relationship. That does appeal to me, certainly. Does this get at the pure form of dominance you were thinking of?

Another aspect that hasn't come up is the desire to be needed/wanted in a relationship, and the converse of feeling abandoned within a relationship. When in a dominant position, there is an element of "this human is mine and they're not going to get away from me muahaha" (not in a literal and constant sense, but in the moment and emotionally). A friend put it to me this way: Subs want to be needed, Dom(mes) need to be wanted. If your sub has consented to scenes with you, it means they are doing the opposite of running away from you. And in a world where we do constantly have spanners in the works, having your sub not in a position to run away from you, even just for a few minutes, can be very comforting. I'm not sure this is an entirely healthy worldview, so even I'm not endorsing it for other people at this point.

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