How do demisexuals fall in love?

[WitchettyMan]

I know that a demisexual person is someone who cannot feel any sexual attraction unless there is a very strong emotional bond first. However, how does such bond occurs? Because, as far I know, since they do not feel any desire to be with anyone, they are not open to relationships, and so they don't really approach anyone with ulterior motives. But this kind of feeling is usually developed during relationships that are not as serious, such as dating, and it keeps growing until it finally turns into something serious. However, demisexuals don't date anyone. So it kind of happens in the contrary?

Does that mean that this kind of feeling may only be developted for someone who you meet without any expectations? Meaning that, since there's no starting desire from both parties, it may happen that a demisexual develops this kind of bond for someone who is not attracted to him/her in any way?

How does it happen to demisexual people? What kind of relation may lead to sexual attraction?

[Philip027]

Because, as far I know, since they do not feel any desire to be with anyone, they are not open to relationships,

[...]

However, demisexuals don't date anyone.

Not sure where you got this idea from. Are you aware there are romantic orientations as well as sexual ones?

[khathleesi]

Does that mean that this kind of feeling may only be developted for someone who you meet without any expectations? Meaning that, since there's no starting desire from both parties, it may happen that a demisexual develops this kind of bond for someone who is not attracted to him/her in any way?

Ngl, for me this is really accurate. I have never fallen for or become sexually attracted to someone I met through dating. Casual dating just doesn't work for me because sexual folk's attraction progresses and mine doesn't and we're just automatically on two different planes and it makes things really difficult--especially for a new relationship where no one is really committed to making things work yet.

My experience with sexual attraction is that it's someone I've known for a while, possibly someone I've fallen for romantically, who I previously was not attracted to....and one day I just find them attractive. Mind you, this has only happened to me like, twice, so I'm not exactly an expert.

I desire relationships, and I'm open to relationships....it just takes a lot of work and patience and compromise...none of which are really qualities associated with casual dating. If a friend of mine wanted to try dating, I think it'd be different because a) they would have a understanding of asexuality/demisexuality and b) there wouldn't be as much underlying pressure for me to feel a certain way because we already had an established platonic relationship.

So tl;dr: It isn't fair to say that demisexuals don't desire or aren't open to relationships, but yes, it is accurate (at least for me) to say that if I am meeting a person under implied romantic circumstances and we don't have any other relationship outside of that....it probably isn't going to work out.

[Rising Sun]

I think you're confusing demisexual with demiromantic. Not all demisexuals are demiromantic, and from what I've seen on AVEN, combining both doesn't seem very common.

As a person who is both, dating without being close friends first would have no chance of result for me. If I were looking for someone, I would make new friends first, and see if I develop new feelings for one of them on long term.

[Star Bit]

Because, as far I know, since they do not feel any desire to be with anyone, they are not open to relationships, and so they don't really approach anyone with ulterior motives. But this kind of feeling is usually developed during relationships that are not as serious, such as dating, and it keeps growing until it finally turns into something serious. However, demisexuals don't date anyone. So it kind of happens in the contrary?

No. For one there is sexual attraction and there is romantic attraction. A demisexual can be in a relationship but just not have sex until they have the triggering bond. Or they're capable of sexually compromising until their sexual attraction emerges. Demisexuals and Demiromantics can require any bond; it just depends on the person; it doesn't have to be close/strong. There's no explaining why it happens, it just does; it's just triggered in the brain. There's no way to tell if someone is demi until they experience it. Some Demisexuals even require a marriage ready level to trigger it. There's no way to tell.

[Philip027]

To reinforce my post a little more...

I would say that demiromantics might be less likely to go pursuing relationships for the sake of having a relationship. At least, that's how it's been like for me. But again, that doesn't necessarily mean they are not open to relationships, or that they don't date. It usually just means they have to find someone special first, or that they have to find them.

[allrightalready]

tried using the quote feature but the computer messed it all over the place, lets try this way

"I know that a demisexual person is someone who cannot feel any sexual attraction unless there is a very strong emotional bond first."

so far so good

"However, how does such bond occurs? Because, as far I know, since they do not feel any desire to be with anyone,"

i do feel the desire to be with someone, just not anyone in particular

"they are not open to relationships,"

nope, i actually do want a relationship, i remember it being really nice when i was in one

"and so they don't really approach anyone with ulterior motives."

this part is true

"But this kind of feeling is usually developed during relationships that are not as serious, such as dating, and it keeps growing until it finally turns into something serious. However, demisexuals don't date anyone. So it kind of happens in the contrary?"

i am perfectly willing to date, i just don't do hookups/NSA or that sort of thing (which means virtually no one is willing to "date" me since to them "date", "cuddle" etc is just a euphemism for "fucking"

"Does that mean that this kind of feeling may only be developted for someone who you meet without any expectations? Meaning that, since there's no starting desire from both parties, it may happen that a demisexual develops this kind of bond for someone who is not attracted to him/her in any way?

How does it happen to demisexual people? What kind of relation may lead to sexual attraction?"

it takes time, first being friends and getting to know them and trust them and then closer dating and learning about each other and finally the desire for sex with the person i know and trust is there.

[Telecaster68]

Just a bit of speculation here. No particular point merely something that crossed my mind.

A lot of the whole 'demi' orientation/umbrella/inclination/whatever seems to basically mean 'not interested in speculative dating' in effect. And while I'm old and wouldn't be on the hardcore dating scene anyway, it does seem to me that the dating culture (bars, pickups, hookups, snap judgements based on appearance, sex-after-three-dates, etc) is primarily a young, American thing. Even when I was of an age to do that, there was no dating scene - just groups of friends, and friends of friends, and you'd get to know someone in a group, then maybe go out a few times, and if you liked each other, something sexual might end up happening.

In other words, demi-ish, from what I understand. This was 25 years ago, but it still seems to be more like what happens where I am (UK) than what sounds like the hell of the dating scene in the US.

[Tarfeather]

Yeah, I think weakly defining the "demi" orientations is going to do a disservice to the asexual community, because then people will rightly go "but then being demi is what most people are". As far as I understand it, being demi-sexual/romantic means having absolutely no kind of sexual/romantic attraction for strangers, not even in the "might be interested" kind of way. They'd only find out whether someone would be "attractive" to them in the sexual/romantic kind of way once they've established a close bond with that person. Meanwhile, most people can consider someone attractive in the sexual/romantic sense before knowing that person at all, however might require getting to know that person in order to develop a "real" interest in being with that person.

[Telecaster68]

being demi-sexual/romantic means having absolutely no kind of sexual/romantic attraction for strangers, not even in the "might be interested" kind of way

The lack of 'might be interested' is the clearest differentiation I've heard. I still think there's something in what I said though.

[nanogretchen4]

I've recently concluded that I'm probably demisexual. Dating just doesn't work for me and I feel a lot better now that I've accepted that it's just not going to. If I end up in another relationship it's going to have to be with someone I met while doing something I enjoy for its own sake. I make a lot of close friends and maybe once every few years I crush on one of them but I can't predict in advance who it will be, so why single out one friend to date unless I have a crush on them already? Dating a stranger in the hopes that I would somehow develop feelings for them seems like it would have essentially no chance of success. I would probably like to have a relationship, but I'm not desperate enough to waste time and energy on the dating scene just on the off chance. I quit!

[LH-Moth]

It might be more complicated for demiromantics, but I'm hardly qualified to speculate. From a demisexual point of view, though, the answer to how demisexuals fall in love or approach dating is fairly simple - the same way an asexual does.

I think people get too focused on those rare exceptions where sexual attraction does occur. It's like there's this assumption that a demisexual wouldn't want to stay in a relationship unless that happened. Admittedly, maybe some do feel that way. For me, though, that would be problematic since I don't know when or how that sexual attraction will happen, or how it's triggered. Heck, I don't even know if it's gender specific! And outside of those few emotionally intimate relationships, I essentially function like an asexual.

My biggest concern when dating is that my partner will get so hung up on the "demi-" thing, they'll decide that a lack of sexual attraction towards them means I don't love them "enough", regardless of what I may say to the contrary. In light of that, I prefer to structure my potential relationships as though the lack of sexual attraction is going to be the status quo for the duration. In other words, like an asexual. (Sorry for ragging on that point. I just keep coming back to it somehow....)

Dating is complicated, so everyone will have their own take on it and their own strategies for navigating it. But starting out without sexual attraction doesn't preclude demisexuals from engaging in it any more than it would anyone else on the asexual spectrum.

[nanogretchen4]

In my case I find that romantic attraction and sexual attraction occur pretty much simultaneously on the rare occasions when they occur at all.

[Feral_Sophisticate]

Moved this thread from "For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies" to "The Gray Area".

Feral_Sophisticate

For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies Moderator

[SunsAblaze]

Personally, as a demisexual, I have fallen in love several times, and only experienced any sexual attraction with two people in my whole life so far, well after having developed deep feelings for them.

While I don't identify with demiromantics, I am very shy and wary that if I were to try casual dating, the other party may be misled about whether I'm sexually interested, and so I firmly believe that casual dating is not for me. With that said, I don't think of myself as closed to relationships. In fact, I have always longed for one.

I'm just a type of person that requires a bit more "taming" beforehand, in a manner of speaking. I may not feel instantly attracted to the body of the person I'm looking at, but I am fully capable of strong, deep romantic attraction, and it doesn't necessarily have to take years of being close friends before I start feeling that way.

I think that what may make it look like I need to meet people out of any context involving sexual attraction is that I do need something to fall in love with. I mean, I don't get attracted to looks, so I need to get a grasp of who the person is beyond their body first. Not a whole biography or anything, but it does have to get personal and close enough for me to feel a connection, thus an emotional bond. So the long wait is not a requisite per say, but in my experience it tends to take longer than what I hear about my friends and their casual dates. Then again, with my current lover (who is also my first partner ever, by the way), things happened very fast, over a few weeks, so it's possible too :)

I haven't figured out whether there were patterns to distinguish when I fell in love without ever feeling sexually attracted and when both kinds of attraction happened in a relatively short span, but in my experience, both scenarios are likely.

[Isskaa]

Well, first of all, as many people have said before, demisexuals can have a desire to be in a relationship, can date someone. I would love to be in a relationship, but dating doesn’t work since I don’t see strangers sexually attractive.
And I’ll also add that demisexuals don’t need to “love” anyone to feel sexual attraction as they can be, for example, aromantic.

I’m a demisexual and don’t-know-what-romantic. And from my experience there’s no special point where I start to develop sexual feelings towards someone. It has always been a really close friend, but it can happen after 1 year of friendship, 2 years or even after 5 years.

There’s one point where something is triggered and I start to see this person in a sexual way, want to have sex with them, fantazise about them and so one.
Usually I spend a lot of time with them, have similar interest, talk a lot, have physical contact (holding hands, hugging, etc) and then something clicks.

The funny thing is, it can fade away a little or completly depending on how close we’re now.
For example, I was meeting with my friend every day, we were talking everyday and she was really close to me and I was feeling sexual attraction towards her. But now, we haven’t met for 2 weeks and rarely talk so I don’t feel anything right now. But probably if we get close again, I’ll develop sexual feelings towards her again.
Or I don’t find people with whom I’ve once been in a sexual relationship sexually attractive now.
Anyone there has something like that?

[Hardly any]

I've only ever fallen in love when there are no sexual expectations, and my most successful relationship started online and was carried out over a distance of several hundred miles.

Casual dating isn't very reliable because of the sexual expectations. It's easier to go out and make friends and maybe meet a person.

[Snusmumriken]

I have fallen in love twice.

You are with one person and after some conversations, you think: 'This person understands me'. You find the connection. Connection is the main thing. You just know that person understands you and you understand that person. Everything is inside.

Then it just happens. You think it would be wonderful to share a lot of things with that person, everything you have, and... it happens.

Unfortunately, in my case, the other person didn't feel anything for me. Maybe next time!

[Zorc]

You seem to be confusing sexual attraction for romantic attraction, which for me at least are two very separate things. Given my usual lack of romantic feeling, most of my sex life is comprised of casual sex with close friends who I can feel comfortable with... Who says I have to want to date and fall in love? On the odd occasion that I end up getting all gooey over a friend or acquaintance though, the desire to have my way with them doesn't usually kick in until later in the relationship (If it even gets that far).

[saati237]

I have recently been identifying as demisexual, or at least this is what I believe, and I have had many different relationships in the past when I was trying to figure out who I was. This includes some instances of casual sex. It clicked for me last summer that I am panromantic. Gender and physical appearance is not something I find attractive, and it's only when I begin talking to someone and learning more about them that I might develop an attraction to that person. Going off this, I don't seek a relationship at all. It just didn't work out for me, but I am not opposed to them.

To go back to my past relationships and encounters, I almost never liked it. There was just very little physical pleasure for me (I don't even pleasure myself).

In my experience, I know when I am falling in love when something just clicks with someone. I just know that I want to be with this person and there is this intense feeling for me. It's only when this connection clicks that I will want to please them in every way that I can. And with this person, yes, I will enjoy sex but only on an emotional level. I am happy just being with and pleasing my partner.

I think it is apparent that everyone is different in this matter. And that's totally okay.

[WitchettyMan]

Perharps I have expressed myself wrong. I apologize, because I recognize that maybe I have indeed taken demisexual and demiromantic as the same thing, and I also have taken some particularities as a genereal rule for everyone.

However, that was not the point of my thread. What I wanted to know was: a demi person (whether demisexual or demiromantic, or maybe both) can only experience said attraction with a strong bond. But what are the odds of such feelings being reciprocal?

Let's take a person that is both. Let's say such person can only be on a relationship and have sexual intercourse with a person that he has a very strong feeling. As such, he wasn't open to anyone who approached him before. One day, he finally finds someone that triggers said attractions. But what if turns out that this person is not attracted to him in anyway? What of all the feelings that were developted? Isn't that extremely random and unlikely to happen? Meaning that then you'll have to develop this for someone that just happens to have very strong feelings for you as well?

[Sally]

But what if turns out that this person is not attracted to him in anyway? What of all the feelings that were developted? Isn't that extremely random and unlikely to happen? Meaning that then you'll have to develop this for someone that just happens to have very strong feelings for you as well?

That happens to sexual people also. It's traditionally been called "unrequited love". There are songs about it.

[WitchettyMan]

That happens to sexual people also. It's traditionally been called "unrequited love". There are songs about it.

It appears to be much more damaging when it occurs to demi people, though. Much more damaging and likely to happen as well.

[J. van Deijck]

Well, I don't know if my answer is helpful, but I have fallen in love with my best friend. I don't even know how that has happened. We were developing our friendship and learning more and more about each other, and getting closee and closer... and the bond has appeared, stronger with him than with anyone else. And the rest just has happened. If we weren't friends before, I wouldn't fall in love with him and the only attraction I'd ever feel to him would be just aesthetic.

[WitchettyMan]

Well, I don't know if my answer is helpful, but I have fallen in love with my best friend. I don't even know how that has happened. We were developing our friendship and learning more and more about each other, and getting closee and closer... and the bond has appeared, stronger with him than with anyone else. And the rest just has happened. If we weren't friends before, I wouldn't fall in love with him and the only attraction I'd ever feel to him would be just aesthetic.

Was there any kind of attraction, from any of the sides, before? Or it was just a pure friendship with no sings of sexual attraction until it finally happened? How long it took?

Anyway,what I'm trying to get at is... do you have any sort of... control over who you might develop this kind of bond? Do you actually choose someone who might requite your feelings or it just happens, out of nowhere, with no warning or way of foreseeing it happening?

[Star Bit]

No, you don't choose people to have a bond with. You may choose people to know who seem like you two would get along, but that's as far as "choosing" goes. It really just happens and you can't really predict it past the "getting along" assumption coincidentally ending up to be right. Sexual attraction can be "out of nowhere, with no warning or way of foreseeing it happening," but romantic attraction can either be like that or be some kind of vague attraction that ends up developing into romantic attraction.

[nanogretchen4]

In my case falling in love has five stages but the first three also happen with platonic friendships.

Stage One: Positive first impression

Someone shows up to a class or group activity I attend. They say something interesting and I approach them for a face to face conversation on an abstract or impersonal topic. I feel an intellectual connection, they seem nice, and I feel comfortable around them.

Stage Two: Casual friendship

I develop a pattern of sitting near this person during activities we both attend. We begin to talk about our jobs, families, outside interests, etc. I enjoy this person's company and I am more likely to do an activity if I know they will be there, but usually they are one of several people I look forward to seeing there. If they are having problems I am sympathetic. I would do small favors for them or ask for small favors from them.

Stage Three: Close friendship

I start dedicating more time and energy to this person than to most of my friends. I make plans to do activities with them specifically. I would discuss private things with this person. The level of trust is high and I feel strong loyalty to them. If they have problems I feel personally upset and want to take action to help them. I would do large favors for them or ask large favors from them in an emergency.

Most of my friendships hold steady at stage two. A significant minority reach stage three and never go further. A tiny number progress to the next two stages.

Stage Four: Unconsciously in love

All the symptoms of stage three are dialed up to eleven. I think about this one person much more than any of my other friends. I am hyperaware of their expressions and body language. I feel their emotions as if they were my own. If I think they are in trouble I feel sick with worry. I would die for them. I am fascinated with them and want to know everything there is to know about them. When I am with them the world lights up. When I am not with them I am counting the days until I see them again.

Active denial is a major symptom of stage four. If I actually have to tell myself that someone is just a friend, I'm in stage four. If they are already in a relationship with someone else I will have feelings of jealousy which I will be in denial about. At this stage I have the capacity to be sexually attracted to this person, but something usually has to trigger it or bring it to my attention. For example if I hug them or see them partly undressed I might have a reaction I wasn't expecting.

Stage Five: I'm in love and I know it.

Hey, why did I just have a blatantly sexual dream or fantasy about this person? Wait, have I been in love with them for the past six months? Crap, it's happened again.

At this stage I have to make a decision to either act on my feelings or not act on them. The first choice is nerve wracking and potentially painful. The second choice is frustrating and painful. On the other hand I feel more in control once I figure out what's going on. The feelings are more manageable once I sit myself down and have a talk with myself about them.

[dissolved]

Anyway,what I'm trying to get at is... do you have any sort of... control over who you might develop this kind of bond? Do you actually choose someone who might requite your feelings or it just happens, out of nowhere, with no warning or way of foreseeing it happening?

There's absolutely no control, no inclination of who you might develop stuff with. As I get to know someone I sometimes get a bit worried that something could happen so I often pull away thinking it might salvage the friendship... but it's so rare I'd say the chances of it happening are close to zero.

[WitchettyMan]

Anyway,what I'm trying to get at is... do you have any sort of... control over who you might develop this kind of bond? Do you actually choose someone who might requite your feelings or it just happens, out of nowhere, with no warning or way of foreseeing it happening?

There's absolutely no control, no inclination of who you might develop stuff with. As I get to know someone I sometimes get a bit worried that something could happen so I often pull away thinking it might salvage the friendship... but it's so rare I'd say the chances of it happening are close to zero.

So you're just as likely to develop feelings for someone you barely know anything about as for someone you've know for some time and have intimacy with?

[Scarlet]

Anyway,what I'm trying to get at is... do you have any sort of... control over who you might develop this kind of bond? Do you actually choose someone who might requite your feelings or it just happens, out of nowhere, with no warning or way of foreseeing it happening?

There's absolutely no control, no inclination of who you might develop stuff with. As I get to know someone I sometimes get a bit worried that something could happen so I often pull away thinking it might salvage the friendship... but it's so rare I'd say the chances of it happening are close to zero.

So you're just as likely to develop feelings for someone you barely know anything about as for someone you've know for some time and have intimacy with?

the whole point of demisexual is not developing feelings until you make a bond over knowing someone VERY well so to answer your question, NO lol