Very Confused

[Friendshipseeker]

Hi, I need some advice.

I used to think I was asexual. I didn't have a bf until my late 20s. I started to develop some sexual feelings towards him after about a year of dating. I married him and we had sex but I didn't really enjoy it. I enjoyed pleasuring him and him pleasuring me but the actual sex was a bit of a let down. It either hurt or felt of nothing. He was also abusive.

After leaving him I found I had sexual attraction towards strangers which I hadn't experienced before. Like I would feel a strange urge that I'd want to lick a man's chest when I saw someone attractive or something like that. However, I also felt like I wanted to vomit when I thought about having sex.

More recently a friend started hugging me and I felt sexual urges towards him. However I didn't enjoy kissing him and although I felt I wouldn't have minded some sexual play, I didn't actually want to have sex with him.

He thinks I've just been brainwashed into thinking sex before marriage is bad and I'm worried I'd think I'm a slut. That is part of the reason but I can't help wondering if there's more to it than that. Sex just isn't that important to me. Love and closeness is though. He got upset and said he didn't want a relationship without sex. He said I wanted it because my body was responding and I just needed to go with it. My body did like some of the touching and might have wanted sex but my mind just doesn't want sex.

I don't know if I'm still some form of asexual or if I'm actually just scared of sex before marriage, or if I've been psychologically damaged after my abusive relationship. I don't know if I should just have sex with him. Any advice would be very welcome.

[veearrell]

Here's how I see it: It sounds like you really don't want to have sex with the guy. Wanting one physical thing does not automatically equate to wanting another physical thing, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. It's your decision and no one else's. I understand it might be hard to break it off, but if he's pressuring you to do something you really don't want to do, that might be for the best. I'm sure you wouldn't want to get into a bad situation where he won't take no for an answer. Stay safe.

[Star Bit]

What exactly are you defining as sexual attraction? AVEN defines it as desiring sex with someone (i.e. to do genital involving things to someones body). Licking someone is just a kink and something perfectly possible for asexuals to have. You do not owe him sex. Do not do something you're uncomfortable with.

*facepalm* Ignorant sexual people. No, just because your body gets aroused does not mean you desire sex. You can desire to make out or anything else; asexuality strictly pertains to sex. Some (if not most) sexual people need sex, there's nothing you could've done to keep the relationship, and there's nothing wrong with either partner's needs or inabilities. Perhaps look for some ace support by going to the meetup section on here and seeing if there's one in your area. If there isn't then create your own. There are also asexual dating sites.

[Friendshipseeker]

What exactly are you defining as sexual attraction? AVEN defines it as desiring sex with someone (i.e. to do genital involving things to someones body). Licking someone is just a kink and something perfectly possible for asexuals to have. You do not owe him sex. Do not do something you're uncomfortable with.

*facepalm* Ignorant sexual people. No, just because your body gets aroused does not mean you desire sex. You can desire to make out or anything else; asexuality strictly pertains to sex. Some (if not most) sexual people need sex, there's nothing you could've done to keep the relationship, and there's nothing wrong with either partner's needs or inabilities. Perhaps look for some ace support by going to the meetup section on here and seeing if there's one in your area. If there isn't then create your own. There are also asexual dating sites.

When I'm sexually attracted to a stranger it's a bit like this: I see an attractive man with his top off on TV. I can't seem to take my eyes off his chest. Looking at his chest makes me feel nice somehow. Sometimes I get urges to lick the chest or just get close to it somehow. I don't want to have sex with them, but it's still feelings and reactions I never previously had.

With my friend it's confusing though. When he hugs me a lot and shows that he loves or desires me, my body does feel like it wants sex. I get wet. My genitals do desire a release. If I were to not think, I'd definitely allow mutual masturbation although I'm unsure about the sex. If I get horny does that mean I'm not asexual? I don't know if I'm just mentally choosing to not have sex, like if I just didn't think or got drunk, or let him seduce me for long enough, I might have sex with him. I'm really confused.

Do you know of any asexual dating sites that are fairly active?

[Star Bit]

When I'm sexually attracted to a stranger it's a bit like this: I see an attractive man with his top off on TV. I can't seem to take my eyes off his chest. Looking at his chest makes me feel nice somehow. Sometimes I get urges to lick the chest or just get close to it somehow. I don't want to have sex with them, but it's still feelings and reactions I never previously had.

That's not sexual attraction. There are different types of attraction. What you're describing seems to be aesthetic attraction and sensual attraction.

List:

There are 6 types of attraction. They're all typically felt with romantic attraction (and why there can be confusion between attractions) but aren't needed to make it valid. Other than romantic attraction, obviously, they can all be felt platonically, separately and in different combinations.

· Sexual attraction - the impulse/urge/compulsion to have sex with a specific person; to do genital involving things to their body.

· Romantic attraction - an emotion; so it doesn't translate well into words, but it can be inadequately put as soft/warm/fuzzy feelings with some degree of fixation (at least in comparison to one's normality with others). Some people have a physical reaction to the feeling and others don’t (i.e. butterflies in their stomach, heart rate increase [though those are also symptoms of platonic nervousness], dreamy mindset, anxious euphoria, infatuation, etc.).

· Aesthetic attraction - the pull to look at someone because of their looks and or mannerisms. It's different from recognizing good looks/what is aesthetically pleasing.

· Emotional attraction - the fixation on someone because of their emotions (their optimism, stoicness, etc.), and by extent personality. I would compare it to having a favorite character or admirance.

· Sensual attraction - the urge to have non-genital physical contact. Platonically displaying this above the norm qualifies as a type of queerplatonic relationship (QPR). I would compare it to how many people have the urge to act toward their pets. Though this term is typically applied to other humans. There are 3 forms of sensual attraction; platonic, romantic (which only differ by chaste kissing), and sexual (in the sense that it’s done for sexual arousal, not because it includes sex/genital contact --and it’s still under asexuality as a kink).

· Platonic attraction (aka a squish; a play on the romantic word crush) - the strong urge to know or befriend someone.

· And it's possible to find someone charming without romantic attraction. (look up charming's definition/synonyms for further clarification)

· It's also possible to have queerplatonic feelings for someone; to emotionally feel platonic but have the characteristic(s) associated with a romantic relationship. It can be an importance/closeness stronger than the best friend norm, displaying platonic sensual attraction above the norm (only differing from romantic sensual attraction with chaste kissing, although preferring chaste kissing or no kissing does not make one’s feelings unromantic), friends with sexual benefits, romantically pleasing someone they platonically love (QP to one and romantic to the other, although it's their decision on what they call the relationship), or any combination of those. They may or may not have monogamy, live together, have kids, or look like a couple to the public. Romantics and Aromantics can have QPRs.

When they say sexual attraction, they don't mean what can be called "sexual" by the allosexual majority/what leads to sex for them and thus is perceived as sexual; like kissing. They mean literal sex. (Kissing is romantic by default; platonic if chaste, but it can be sexual if they desire to do it for the arousal. Not to be confused with arousal coincidentally happening. But even then it is not sex and thus not sexual attraction.) "Sex attraction" just sounds weird lol, so the only option we have is a misconceptual word like sexual. Arousal is not sexual attraction. Wanting to have genital contact with him and getting aroused are two different things. You wanting a release from arousal is normal, but do you want to masturbate or have him do things to your genitals? Considering you mentioned you would masturbate, I'd think that's what you desire and not sex. Asexuals can get horny and can masturbate; asexuality strictly refers to desiring partnered sex.