Totally confused and alone!

[bookworm4]

So I've recently discovered that asexuality is actually a thing, and instantly I thought to myself 'well at least now I fit in'. Having read a lot about asexuality, I feel like I am asexual.

The thing is, I've had pretty severe depression for a couple of years and I don't know if that has lead to me lacking sexual attraction / being asexual, or being asexual and not understanding / knowing might have lead to me having depression. So this is why I am so confused.

Plus, I have previously been in a relationship, but now I am questioning whether I was sexually attracted to the guy or just in the moment / conforming to expectations of society.

I just feel totally confused about everything and really very alone.

[Xavy]

Welcome to AVEN, this is a great place where you can ask questions and read about other people's experiences and figure things out for yourself without fear. I am sorry you feel so alone, I hope that you can at least get a sense of belonging to a community by hanging out here.

If you feel like the asexuality label for you then by all means use it, you can continue questioning things and even if one day you decide that some other label fits you Better then you can change to that label.

[Kata0103]

I know how it i to feel confused. i also recently discovered that i am asexual, but can feel sensual attraction towards guys. that is i feel i want to kiss, cuddle, touch, to the whole foreplay that a sexual person would do (what i feel like doing depends on who i am with and how much i know that person), but i don't feel i want to have sexual intercourse with that person. i was also confused and didn't think i would be asexual because i do feel some kind of attraction, i can get aroused, i can experience autochoricosexualism, meaning i can get aroused by watching porn, reading erotica, but i dissociate myself, i can't see myself being the one having sex. i also masturbate. the need can just come without any perceptive stimulation. it's like a build up of energy that needs to be released. getting aroused by images, touches, getting aroused for no reason doesn't make you sexual. you have to feel that sexual attraction towards somebody (something? not sure about this), and feel the need to experience sex with that somebody.

I hope this sheds some light. i'm no expert, i just started learning about different genders and orientations, but these are some things i understood so far. what you must remember is that this are my PERSONAL experiences and that everyone experiences asexuality differently. many asexuals aren't like me, to feel so much sensual attraction, some are. i hope others will also share their thoughts to help you out. :) read up on other orientations on the gray spectrum, as you might be a gray-asexual, meaning that you might only sometimes experience sexual attraction.

edit: when i was younger, i was very excited to learn about sex and sexual stuff (i like to know things and i am a very curious person). i always had fantasies, i masturbated a lot, i kissed guys and felt butterflies and everything and i always wanted a chance to get to have what i THOUGHT were sexual experiences, i thought they were all related to and have to lead to sex in the end. and because those were very pleasant and sometimes very strong (i guess it's because everything was new. i don't feel like that now), i thought sex will be so awesome. still, i was always a bit afraid of getting to that point. i had chances, but i would always find something that made the moment not right, either i didn't shave, we weren't alone, i was still underage. although they would seem like valid reasons, now i realize the "not right" feeling wasn't necessarily something conscious. because, if i were really a sexual person, i don't think i would have gave a damn about not being shaved, or this place doesn't feel right, or we don't have enough time. i would've just done it because i would've been attracted to that person and would've had the desire to have sex.

i also didn't grow up in a society where queer was accepted and known. as you wrote, i also guess i was conforming to expectations of society. unconsciously though. i didn't know i wasn't sexually attracted to guys. i thought if you like them and like to touch and be touched by who i liked, i thought that was already a sexual attraction. it was only after starting to have sex that my taste for it went away. i just stayed with the feeling that i should get to like it. but i don't, don't want to do it and haven't even tried for at least years. it hurt anyway, every time. my vaginal muscles just contract involuntarily when there's penetration. even from the thought of it. it's called vaginism. went to doctors, didn't find any physical problem. so i thought it was psychological. i tried therapy, based on masters and johnson's techniques. didn't get to far though, and i also lost interest when i had to find someone for the "partnered" phase. would've had help from someone, but i just couldn't get comfortable knowing he should be in me. at that time i didn't know it was because i didn't have sexual attraction, because i was attracted to the guy, but the thought of sex was a no-no.

even my therapist, who can't really emphasize with this orientation, said that things really add up now. also, he concluded that my vaginism might very probably be a defense mechanism. like, i always thought i want and should have sex, but the body knew that in reality this is not what i want and was like "oh no you don't. here's some pain to wake up". of course i didn't know how to listen to my body properly and was missled by society and my lack of knowledge, so i tried forcing it. but i finally came to understand myself and i can finally feel free to be me and not conform to the "expectations of society".

[Grace Barton]

Welcome to AVEN!

I've often wondered the same thing, since I have low self-esteem and occasional bouts of depression/low mood, and whether that has impacted on my ability to be attracted to others, sexually or romantically. I had crushes as a teenager, but never really wanted anything from them.

But don't worry about it too much. You have time to think and work things out. Spend time reading through the forums and expand your knowledge. There's no need to affix a label to yourself, but if you feel comfortable with it, then go for it. If you feel it might be related to your depression, then you can work on that. If you find once your depression improves and you start to develop attractions, then that's fine too. Only you can truly answer how you feel, and you have the time to work it out.

[cgom]

Hmmm ... I remember my teenage years when I was so confused about my sexuality. All my male friends (I'm male as well) were so concerned about hooking up with girls. It seemed that the goal in life was to get some or have sex, especially in the summer when we were out of school and there were parties aplenty to attend for leisure. It was exhausting for me to try to fit in; my whole existence in those days became about preparing and focusing on doing everything to set myself up for sex -- but, funny thing, I was really and totally repulsed by the idea of having sex. Sex just seemed like something that would be really awkward, and I never understood how to get from being clothed and whatnot to naked and doing it. Seemed so foreign, and something I just wasn't interested in doing, though I thought that I had to be interested in it; it was what everyone else liked. Not only that, but there were so many opportunities for me to engage in sexual activities ... but it just was never right.

There was a summer when my friends and I started going to nightclubs. The whole point of those nights was to get wasted and head home with a girl. It would never happen for me, and I didn't get why. I wanted to experience the social inclusiveness, but the visceral thing that it demanded just ... wasn't right for me. It turned out that I would often go home those nights and look at myself in the mirror, drunk, and just think about how I hated myself. I was just ... weird, something that didn't fit in. Maybe I was just gay, I'd think to myself. I'd get anxious about the stigma, but homosexual relationships weren't something I wanted either.

Anyway, here I am now, and my identification as asexual, which came about a few weeks ago, was one of the best things to ever happen to me. For the first time ever, I love myself.

I'm definitely not saying that your situation is the same as mine, but I do think that personal stories can help shed some light on things for others. In any case, my story is an example of depression that came about in part because I am asexual and didn't understand.

[cgom]

P.S. And like Grace Barton said, you have time to figure things out, only you can truly know how you feel, and it's entirely your decision to label yourself or not (you can do it if you're comfortable and want to, but you do not have to if you do not wish to :)). Thought I'd just add that bit in after my personal story, which again is my own personal experience, and does not mean others should necessarily identify themselves as I did if they've had a similar experience to mine! Up to the individual! :)

[bookworm4]

Thank you all for your replies and sharing your stories. It's amazing the difference it makes to hear from people who have experienced similar things to me, it's been bad enough feeling alone because of my depression but this on top just made me feel alone on a whole new level. That isn't so bad now.

I guess I just need to take some time to figure things out now. For my own peace of mind, using the label 'asexual' at least makes me feel less alone because there seems to be loads of us out there. But I guess being openly asexual is a whole different thing and I need to take time to accept and adjust to it. I would also love to find a partner and have children at some point in my life and I really can't face the thought of that not being a possibility because sex isn't for me.

Thank you again for sharing :)