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Am I asexual or just weird?


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male, 21yrs, american

I'm struggling with whether or not I might be an asexual. I've thought about it and read about it, but I cant seem to come to a conclusion one way or another. So I'm asking for some guidence, in the hopes that your unbiased oppinion might give me some insight into this aspect of who I am. With that sincere hope, I'll try and share my thoughts, experiences and confusion as clearly and accurately as possible.

So I've never seen eye-to-eye with my peers on nearly anything. Im a pretty weird guy overall. When people started dating when I was younger, I found it confusing and weird and to this day I really don't totally understand the lengths people go or energy people expend just to catch the attention of a pretty girl. In middle school most people assumed I was gay and I suspect that some may have continued to think that during high school. I never dated anyone then or now, or really participated in any kind of sexual or romantic activity.

That being said I do have some type of feeling towards some people occasionally. In highschool I would occasionally have very strong feelings towards a girl, sometimes right away and sometimes after I knew her awhile, but I'm not sure if I would describe it as a sexual feeling. It was more like "excitement" I guess? (best comparison would be staying up late on christmas eve for santa or the slow climb of a roller coaster) That feeling would usually pass over me quickly and I'd feel indifferent about it within a few days. That is what a "crush" Is supposed to feel like right?

I do look at women in a decidedly different way then I do men, which is one reason I think I might not be asexual. I don't know if its "aesthetic attraction" or not. Its certaintly not the same way I enjoy looking at a marvelous piece of art, but at the same time I'm not sure if its "sexual attraction" either. For it to be sexual attraction you need to want to have sex with the person right? I don't feel that way, so I'm not sure were to place it.

Im not repulsed by sex either, In fact I wouldn't mind trying it at some point, but If I die a virgin that won't bother me at all. However, IDK maybe my feelings would change if I had sex? What is more concerning to me is the idea of never having any romantic relationships, the idea of dieing a bachelor is frightening to me. However at the same time, I refuse to be involved in someone who I don't genuinely feel strongly about, and this is, one of the main reasons I haven't been very active upto this point.

That just about sums up my current feelings on the matter, thank you very much for indulging me upto this point and I look forward to reading your imput on this.

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somethingrandom

Well asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction and what you've described sounds like you just appreciate the aesthetics of people but you don't actually feel any sexual attraction or want to do anything sexually. I think it sounds like you are and if it helps to label yourself as asexual then go for it. Yes your feelings might change later but maybe just here and now you're asexual. You probably feel it inside but want reassurance and the truth is, you don't have to be or not be anything. Just be happy with whoever you are and you're not weird! Just because you're not like regular 21 year olds or whatever doesn't make you weird. Be happy with yourself!

Hope this helps :)

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Well, as you undoubtedly know by reading some of the introductory posts, no one can tell you if you're asexual. That's something you have to figure out for yourself.

I'm almost 40, and didn't start figuring any of this stuff out until recently, so whatever you decide, you're almost two decades ahead of me. Which is awesome. I identify as graysexual, meaning I'm not completely asexual, but I'm on the spectrum enough to identify with the asexual community while often struggling to relate to allosexuals.

I also sometimes refer to myself as "ostensibly heterosexual," because I'm heterosexual insofar as I'm sexual at all, which of course is less than average. So, yes, I also look at women differently than I look at men. That doesn't disqualify you from identifying as asexual (or at least on the spectrum) if you find the identification useful.

And not all asexuals are sex-repulsed, so that doesn't disqualify you from identifying as asexual either. I've had sex several times with multiple partners (although always more out of social expectation than inherent desire) and enjoyed it. I might even do it again if the right opportunity arises. But what you say about dying a virgin is equally true of me never having sex again: if it works out that way, I'm completely okay with it.

For me, it's pretty simple: I don't crave sex the way sexually normative people do. That doesn't mean I don't like sex, or that I never feel any attraction to anyone. It just means I don't have the hunger allosexuals seem to have for sex. I can take it or leave it. Hence, I find self-identifying as graysexual useful. If you find the label useful -- if it helps you understand yourself better -- then that's awesome. If not, that's fine too. Either way, you're moving in the right direction.

Hopefully that gives you some insight. Good luck.

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Well, if you don't feel like you feel sexual attraction, like you can't see people in that manner, you very well could be ace. But as Johnny said, only you can decide that for yourself. And it's okay if you feel like you'd like to try any sexual stuff. Aces do have sex and like and enjoy it. It's just about the attraction.

And you don't have to give up on weirdness. Come and join the weird side of the force ;)

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You could be a heteroromantic, heteroaesthetic asexual. After all you feel something more than friendship for women, even though you don't want to sleep with them. You could also be a demisexual person, if after a strong emotional bond you want to have sex after all. Generally it is true that as long as you don't desire partnered sex, you are asexual. So you are welcome to identify as such, forever or until your feelings change. ^^

And welcome to AVEN!! :cake::cake::cake:

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I can't say whether you are or aren't asexual, that's up to you to find out

but I can say that if 21 year old me were to have written a thread like this, it would almost word-by-word be your exact same post. And I'm 34 now and definitely consider myself an asexual person.

As the above posters have said, there's more to attraction than just sex. If I were to guess, I'd say you're like me and a hetero-romantic asexual.

Think about it in an evolutionary way: animals of all kinds have sex. They experience desires to mate. But their offspring grow up quickly. Humans have babies that grow slowly. It takes 9 months to gestate and many years until a child is able to walk and survive on its own.

So humans developed this thing called "romantic love" that is biologically meant to keep two people attached together while the baby grows. And that's related to sex, sure, but it's very possible that the two could be disconnected from one another. For most people in society, it appears that sex and love are connected, but remember that many people can have sex without love. So it's quite reasonable to assume you want love with a member of the opposite sex, but you just don't have sexual attraction.

So you may desire a woman with whom you can connect and share your time with because you are able to experience romantic love. But the part of you that is wired for sexual attraction doesn't have to fire.

That's what makes it confusing for hetero-romantic asexual men. We experience that attraction to a pretty girl that we want to love us back... but that sex gear just isn't there.

But one difference is that my crushes tend to last a month or two. So if the crush is only for a few days, maybe it's more aesthetic attraction and not a desire for a long term relationship. Whether you want a long term partner is up to you

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I can't speak perfectly for you, as I'm a fair bit younger than you and am of a different sex, but I'll put in my two cents. (I identify as a quoiromantic asexual person) Aestetic attraction for me is pretty simple: I see a person with pretty hair or freckles or something like that, and go "wow, they sure are pretty!" That's it. I never think about having sex with them. I never go "daaaaamn they're hot!" I don't get aroused by their form.

On the topic of romantic orientation, you should maybe look up quoiromantic. That means that you typically have "crushes" that aren't romantic, but more platonic and just as strong. For me, these "crushes" manifest themselves as a love for a person that neither friendship not romance describes. I've been told it's yet LOVE without labels. Like I said earlier, this is my identity. I worried for a long time about not falling in love and being lonely, and quoiromantic ended up being what I was looking for,

Once again, I can't confirm anything for you, but i feel like looking at all your options is a good way to establish what you're feeling. I obviously can't tell you what your identity is, but Cupioromantic, demiromsntic, quoiromantic, demisexual and grey-ace are all things you should consider. Good luck!

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As with The_Halfmoon I see a lot of parallels with you and myself. I can't offer much advice since like you I am coming to terms with the possibility of my own asexuality, but I can offer what I am doing. Right now if identifying as asexual is comforting go with that. I find if I am in a good mental state I find it easier to process information and come to a conclusion. If nothing else I find reading through the topics to be refreshing. For years seeing yourself on the outside wondering why all these various pieces aren't fitting for you. Then to realize all these doubts and questions aren't just limited to you, at least for me provided a much needed catharsis.

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Reflecting on my past I have trouble deciding if at specific moments what I felt was sexual attraction or not. But I am entirely certain that within the last three years I haven't felt any sort of attraction, sexual or otherwise. Whether that speaks to my innate nature or to the circumstances of my current situation, who can say? At the moment I don't feel I can come to a full conclusion.

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I do look at women in a decidedly different way then I do men, which is one reason I think I might not be asexual. I don't know if its "aesthetic attraction" or not. Its certaintly not the same way I enjoy looking at a marvelous piece of art, but at the same time I'm not sure if its "sexual attraction" either. For it to be sexual attraction you need to want to have sex with the person right? I don't feel that way, so I'm not sure were to place it.

Yep I can relate to this confusion very well. I have put this form of attraction down tentatively as a reflection of autochorissexuality. Here's a quote by the sex researcher Anthony Bogaert on the topic:

"Some asexuals seek out stimulation through fantasy or pornography, the arousal/pleasure mechanisms of their nervous system are engaged by this sexual stimulation.

Yet, this stimulation is disconnected from their identities: It is, at least in part, an identity-less sexual arousal. Thus, these individuals still seem to retain a lack of subjective sexual attraction to others (or anything), despite physical arousal and seeking out persistent themes in fantasy and pornography. Subjective in this case refers to the I or the me in one’s identity as a person."

So, yes I experience pleasure in the stimulation derived from viewing attractive women, but I don't experience "subjective sexual attraction", meaning a desire for me to have sex with the person.

I'm not sure if you will relate to this description, but I thought I would share it.

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