Jump to content

Asexual at work?


Sapphire Rose

Recommended Posts

Hi all,

I'm kinda of new to this identity (being asexual) and am not really sure if I should be "out" at work and how I should handle work situations involving my sexuality. I do not just want to go up to people and say "hey I'm asexual hahaha" but I also know that there will be situations where I am having friendly talk with my coworkers and a situation will come up where it is relevant. You know what I mean? What do I do when I get asked about my relationships or if someone were to ask me out?

Thank you in advance for any advice :) <3

Link to post
Share on other sites
Ms.Frankenstein

If someone asks me out, I always say "I don't date coworkers". Which is true, I don't believe in mixing relationships and work. If it goes wrong it could mess up all facets of your life even more than usual.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You can just bring it during these conversations, if you're comfortable with it. Like if they asl you why dont have relationships or anything,you can just say something like "I'm asexual/aromantic, I got no interest in that".

Link to post
Share on other sites

This just happened to me a few minutes ago.

The most important thing is to stick in your comfort zone...which judging by your reply to some one else a few minutes ago, you already have a handle on, so thats good.

Personaly, I'm 'out' whenever its relevant. When a customer (I'm a casheir at a carwash) mentions my lack of wedding ring, or knowing someone I'd like, or the 'inevitability' of getting married, I use a sentence that throws them off guard and leaves them asking questions rather than casting accusations. I can then lead them through the questions by the way I answer. The first thing I say is "Eh well, no, I'm not really into guys...or girls." I give a pause long enough for them to assume homosexuality, then dash that notion. The next question is usually "then...what ARE you into?" "No one, nada, nothing." "But then...what?" After this, assuming the person isn't pansexual, and if you don't know you can ask their sexuality, and then pick something they aren't attracted to and say "Y'know how you feel about that? That's kinda how I feel about EVERYTHING." I keep a friendly smile and a confidant demeanour throughout this. When I'm comfortable with it, they usually are too. If they ask questions that you arent willing to answer, simply say so. "That's a little personal, I don't really feel like answering that." Stick to your guns, but if they don't want to beleive you, shrug and say "Well, that's your perogative, but that's my possition on the matter."

So far, I haven't had any negative reactions...confused ones, and a few non beleivers, but no one who's tried to convince me otherwise or suggest I need 'fixing'.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Mostly Peaceful Ryan

I don't really broadcast anything about myself at work but I guess if someone asks I'd be open. I just assume most people wouldn't care anyway.

Link to post
Share on other sites

If you don't feel comfortable with your work colleagues, I wouldn't say anything, those that I have told at work, 99% don't even know what an asexual is, some think I'm a person with both sets of genitalia, others think I'm gay, you need to know your audience before you go revealing too much about yourself as you spend so much time at work, your colleagues can make your life very awkward, so beware before you open up to your co workers

Link to post
Share on other sites

It's up to you what you feel most comfortable with! You don't have to come out to your coworkers if doing so seems uncomfortable, but you also don't have to stay closeted if you'd rather come out.

I personally like the idea to bring it up if/when it becomes relevant, but of course, it's entirely up to you. There's no right or wrong answers here :cake:

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am not sure why your sexuality will become a topic of conversation at work. I never discuss my private life at work. I consider myself to be openly asexual, but that doesn't mean I have to talk about that aspect of my life with everyone. I can choose who and when and how I discuss my sexuality, and so can you. You don't have to be out at work if you are not comfortable being out.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The place I work, I can't be out even as lesbian (although that's not how I identify right now) let alone asexual (or heaven forbid agender!). I kinda just say I've got other priorities when people ask about my romantic life and try to change the subject. They can assume what they want but since the LGBT policy at my workplace is essentially Don't Ask, Don't Tell, I try not to talk about stuff that relates to that part of my personal life. It kind of sucks sometimes but I've gotten used to it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I dance around it because I know they won't understand and will probably crack insensitive jokes. I want to be able to be honest but it's none of their business anyway.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't really broadcast anything about myself at work but I guess if someone asks I'd be open. I just assume most people wouldn't care anyone.

Same here. :)

I mean, it doesn't affect them at all that you don't find them sexually attractive. ;)

As far as they might be concerned, you are simply not interested in them. :P

Link to post
Share on other sites

I tend to just respond with "I dont do that" or "I'm not into that" concerning relationship/sex inquiries... I make it sound like food preference, you know? "I dont like it" "kind of grosses me out" etc. But I try and word it without having to say anything about sexuality directly. Because, in the first place, i dont trust people to know what i mean if i say "asexual/aromantic" and i dont want to leave their interpretation of me up to whatever misconceptions they have about whatever they think those words mean. All they really need to know is that im not into dating/sex/whatever else i tag in with it.

Some people may jump to conclusion that im celibate or have other reasons for being 'abstinent' towards sex &dating, but most people i work with already know (by certain opinions ive shared) that i dont have any sort of religious/philosophical convictions. I'll participate in conversational topics that eliminates them thinking that i am naive about these things/childish and that very much helps my case. I dont like people thinking that im saving my body or soul (yuck) for a significant other, do I'll also mention the casual, "marriage isnt my thing" if i can. If coworkers talk about something i cant relate to or dont like, i wont respond/chuckle and walk away.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I won't mention anything about sexuality, but.. it doesn't bother me to say stuff like "I don't date" and "I just prefer to stay single"

Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree with what ThaHoward said, if it's relevant to a conversation, you can bring it up. It's true that it's hard to just come out, out of the blue, but if someone asks you out/if they ask you about your romantic life, if you feel okay with coming out, you definitely should! ^_^

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think it totally depends on your work environment and how emotionally close you want to be with your coworkers, if at all. If you want a strictly working relationship and nothing else, it's really none of their business at all, and borders on inappropriate if they ask you about it. But if you'd like to hang out with them outside of work, as friends, you might need to think about whether any of them would try to pursue a dating relationship with you. Like someone else said, the easiest thing to do might be to say you don't date coworkers. It's not a lie, but it avoids you having to try to explain if people don't understand. A lot of places even outright forbid dating between coworkers, regardless of orientation.

I just don't really understand how your sexuality is relevant to work at all. Kind of like religion.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You can just bring it during these conversations, if you're comfortable with it. Like if they asl you why dont have relationships or anything,you can just say something like "I'm asexual/aromantic, I got no interest in that".

Thank you. I like the short and simple answer to give them.

This just happened to me a few minutes ago.

The most important thing is to stick in your comfort zone...which judging by your reply to some one else a few minutes ago, you already have a handle on, so thats good.

Personaly, I'm 'out' whenever its relevant. When a customer (I'm a casheir at a carwash) mentions my lack of wedding ring, or knowing someone I'd like, or the 'inevitability' of getting married, I use a sentence that throws them off guard and leaves them asking questions rather than casting accusations. I can then lead them through the questions by the way I answer. The first thing I say is "Eh well, no, I'm not really into guys...or girls." I give a pause long enough for them to assume homosexuality, then dash that notion. The next question is usually "then...what ARE you into?" "No one, nada, nothing." "But then...what?" After this, assuming the person isn't pansexual, and if you don't know you can ask their sexuality, and then pick something they aren't attracted to and say "Y'know how you feel about that? That's kinda how I feel about EVERYTHING." I keep a friendly smile and a confidant demeanour throughout this. When I'm comfortable with it, they usually are too. If they ask questions that you arent willing to answer, simply say so. "That's a little personal, I don't really feel like answering that." Stick to your guns, but if they don't want to beleive you, shrug and say "Well, that's your perogative, but that's my possition on the matter."

So far, I haven't had any negative reactions...confused ones, and a few non beleivers, but no one who's tried to convince me otherwise or suggest I need 'fixing'.

hahaha I like this type of response I feel like it would amuse me to see reactions. Sounds good too thank you

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am not sure why your sexuality will become a topic of conversation at work. I never discuss my private life at work. I consider myself to be openly asexual, but that doesn't mean I have to talk about that aspect of my life with everyone. I can choose who and when and how I discuss my sexuality, and so can you. You don't have to be out at work if you are not comfortable being out.

It comes up because I am young and my coworkers like to "set me up" for dates and ask me if I want to get married and criticize my answers either way :P thank you for the advice! :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

The place I work, I can't be out even as lesbian (although that's not how I identify right now) let alone asexual (or heaven forbid agender!). I kinda just say I've got other priorities when people ask about my romantic life and try to change the subject. They can assume what they want but since the LGBT policy at my workplace is essentially Don't Ask, Don't Tell, I try not to talk about stuff that relates to that part of my personal life. It kind of sucks sometimes but I've gotten used to it.

It says Chicago on your profile... so I will ask. Are you a federal contractor? Or is it a privately owned company. You may actually be able to file a case with the EEOC for sexual harassment/discrimination depending on the circumstances.

I tend to just respond with "I dont do that" or "I'm not into that" concerning relationship/sex inquiries... I make it sound like food preference, you know? "I dont like it" "kind of grosses me out" etc. But I try and word it without having to say anything about sexuality directly. Because, in the first place, i dont trust people to know what i mean if i say "asexual/aromantic" and i dont want to leave their interpretation of me up to whatever misconceptions they have about whatever they think those words mean. All they really need to know is that im not into dating/sex/whatever else i tag in with it.

Some people may jump to conclusion that im celibate or have other reasons for being 'abstinent' towards sex &dating, but most people i work with already know (by certain opinions ive shared) that i dont have any sort of religious/philosophical convictions. I'll participate in conversational topics that eliminates them thinking that i am naive about these things/childish and that very much helps my case. I dont like people thinking that im saving my body or soul (yuck) for a significant other, do I'll also mention the casual, "marriage isnt my thing" if i can. If coworkers talk about something i cant relate to or dont like, i wont respond/chuckle and walk away.

I like this method as well. It leaves a lot of the interpretation up to them. Thank you :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think it totally depends on your work environment and how emotionally close you want to be with your coworkers, if at all. If you want a strictly working relationship and nothing else, it's really none of their business at all, and borders on inappropriate if they ask you about it. But if you'd like to hang out with them outside of work, as friends, you might need to think about whether any of them would try to pursue a dating relationship with you. Like someone else said, the easiest thing to do might be to say you don't date coworkers. It's not a lie, but it avoids you having to try to explain if people don't understand. A lot of places even outright forbid dating between coworkers, regardless of orientation.

I just don't really understand how your sexuality is relevant to work at all. Kind of like religion.

It's not relevant, but it does get brought up. People think that a friendly/innocent question such as "so do you have a bf/gf?" won't freak me out but it does bc of my sexuality. It comes up where I work. I don't know, I work with a lot of young people who are "unprofessional" at best. Thanks for the advice!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hate to say this, but I consider chit-chat about ones sexuality off limits at work. I was watching a sexual harassment video, and things that create a hostile working environment-- making you uncomfortable-- need not be discussed at work. However I also know that not being one of the boys or girls at work, and not going through the correct sequence of life-events somehow makes people uneasy. I know this is the day and age of spilling the beans about your entire personal life, but I don't. I give enough information to "seem" ordinary.

Work, and "my life" ate two separate entities. At work, I work, I don't hang around and talk.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hate to say this, but I consider chit-chat about ones sexuality off limits at work. I was watching a sexual harassment video, and things that create a hostile working environment-- making you uncomfortable-- need not be discussed at work. However I also know that not being one of the boys or girls at work, and not going through the correct sequence of life-events somehow makes people uneasy. I know this is the day and age of spilling the beans about your entire personal life, but I don't. I give enough information to "seem" ordinary.

Work, and "my life" ate two separate entities. At work, I work, I don't hang around and talk.

I like your perspective on this, personally. One question if you don't mind.... what do you say if people ask you personal questions? How do you avoid the personal stuff? I work with a bunch of young and "unprofessionalish" people. I don't know if that makes any sense haha. Thanks for the advice :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

I, personally, usually just tell people I'm not interested in dating, and just leave it at that. Sometimes it takes romantic persuers a couple of times to really understand that I mean what I say, but eventually, if they don't get the message, that's when I tell them I'm aromantic, and asexual, and to look it up if they don't believe that it's a thing. If they start asking questions you're not comfortable answering, simply tell them that. "No offense, but I don't feel comfortable discussing it," and they'll have to accept that.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I, personally, usually just tell people I'm not interested in dating, and just leave it at that. Sometimes it takes romantic persuers a couple of times to really understand that I mean what I say, but eventually, if they don't get the message, that's when I tell them I'm aromantic, and asexual, and to look it up if they don't believe that it's a thing. If they start asking questions you're not comfortable answering, simply tell them that. "No offense, but I don't feel comfortable discussing it," and they'll have to accept that.

Thank you for the advice. This seems like a simple way to deal with the issue. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
Purnkin Spurce

I know what you mean. Personally, I would attempt to keep my work and personal life separate. Even if stuff like that comes up in convo I usually try to change it or not give out too much info. There have been times where someone was hinting at trying to get me to spill and I just did all I could to keep that part of myself private. Better safe than sorry.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am not sure why your sexuality will become a topic of conversation at work. I never discuss my private life at work. I consider myself to be openly asexual, but that doesn't mean I have to talk about that aspect of my life with everyone. I can choose who and when and how I discuss my sexuality, and so can you. You don't have to be out at work if you are not comfortable being out.

It comes up because I am young and my coworkers like to "set me up" for dates and ask me if I want to get married and criticize my answers either way :P thank you for the advice! :)

You seem to be comfortable with allowing your coworkers that much access to your private life, you must really like them :) I don't like any of mine.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Actually it hasn't been a big deal in places I've worked. I told 2 of my current coworkers that I'm asexual, but it was when the 3 of us were hanging out outside of work...one started using the word "asexual" to describe people she knew who were not currently having sex, and I felt it was appropriate to say something like, "Well, I'm actually asexual" and try to set her straight on the meaning of asexual vs. celibate. So those 2 people know, but they've never brought it up at work. I'm kind of surprised that nobody's tried to set me up on a date, but my coworkers seem to mind their own business pretty well.

If I were in your situation, I'd just say "I'm not interested right now" or "I'm busy enough with other things" if people tried to set me up on dates or whatnot, unless I really wanted to come out as asexual to them. It all depends on your comfort level. But I think it's best to keep one's private life out of work as much as possible.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The place I work, I can't be out even as lesbian (although that's not how I identify right now) let alone asexual (or heaven forbid agender!). I kinda just say I've got other priorities when people ask about my romantic life and try to change the subject. They can assume what they want but since the LGBT policy at my workplace is essentially Don't Ask, Don't Tell, I try not to talk about stuff that relates to that part of my personal life. It kind of sucks sometimes but I've gotten used to it.

It says Chicago on your profile... so I will ask. Are you a federal contractor? Or is it a privately owned company. You may actually be able to file a case with the EEOC for sexual harassment/discrimination depending on the circumstances.

I actually currently work at a job through federal work-study (I'm a college student). My job is with a religious organization doing non-profit educational work, so I don't really know whether or not they're allowed to pull DADT. Also, while I don't think they would fire me for it, at least not directly, I could really easily see it being a problem and them finding another excuse to fire me (especially since its a religious--Catholic to be specific--organization, I think a lot of the families with kids in the program are fairly homophobic and I could easily see them complaining).

Link to post
Share on other sites

Actually it hasn't been a big deal in places I've worked. I told 2 of my current coworkers that I'm asexual, but it was when the 3 of us were hanging out outside of work...one started using the word "asexual" to describe people she knew who were not currently having sex, and I felt it was appropriate to say something like, "Well, I'm actually asexual" and try to set her straight on the meaning of asexual vs. celibate. So those 2 people know, but they've never brought it up at work. I'm kind of surprised that nobody's tried to set me up on a date, but my coworkers seem to mind their own business pretty well.

If I were in your situation, I'd just say "I'm not interested right now" or "I'm busy enough with other things" if people tried to set me up on dates or whatnot, unless I really wanted to come out as asexual to them. It all depends on your comfort level. But I think it's best to keep one's private life out of work as much as possible.

Thank you for the advie :) I'm glad you haven't run into too many issues.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am not sure why your sexuality will become a topic of conversation at work. I never discuss my private life at work. I consider myself to be openly asexual, but that doesn't mean I have to talk about that aspect of my life with everyone. I can choose who and when and how I discuss my sexuality, and so can you. You don't have to be out at work if you are not comfortable being out.

It comes up because I am young and my coworkers like to "set me up" for dates and ask me if I want to get married and criticize my answers either way :P thank you for the advice! :)

You seem to be comfortable with allowing your coworkers that much access to your private life, you must really like them :) I don't like any of mine.

I'm newish so I haven't really had time to get to know them. Most of this happened at my previous job and I'm kinda expecting it to happen again :P

The place I work, I can't be out even as lesbian (although that's not how I identify right now) let alone asexual (or heaven forbid agender!). I kinda just say I've got other priorities when people ask about my romantic life and try to change the subject. They can assume what they want but since the LGBT policy at my workplace is essentially Don't Ask, Don't Tell, I try not to talk about stuff that relates to that part of my personal life. It kind of sucks sometimes but I've gotten used to it.

It says Chicago on your profile... so I will ask. Are you a federal contractor? Or is it a privately owned company. You may actually be able to file a case with the EEOC for sexual harassment/discrimination depending on the circumstances.

I actually currently work at a job through federal work-study (I'm a college student). My job is with a religious organization doing non-profit educational work, so I don't really know whether or not they're allowed to pull DADT. Also, while I don't think they would fire me for it, at least not directly, I could really easily see it being a problem and them finding another excuse to fire me (especially since its a religious--Catholic to be specific--organization, I think a lot of the families with kids in the program are fairly homophobic and I could easily see them complaining).

Are you getting paid for it? Did they hire you on W-2 or as an independent contractor? You may still have a case if you have recorded any discrimination and meet some requirement. I can see how that is very frustrating. Being in that environment sounds hostile :(

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am not sure why your sexuality will become a topic of conversation at work. I never discuss my private life at work. I consider myself to be openly asexual, but that doesn't mean I have to talk about that aspect of my life with everyone. I can choose who and when and how I discuss my sexuality, and so can you. You don't have to be out at work if you are not comfortable being out.

It comes up because I am young and my coworkers like to "set me up" for dates and ask me if I want to get married and criticize my answers either way :P thank you for the advice! :)

I had two co-workers try to set me up for a date recently too. My response was "I'm not really looking right now", and it seemed to satisfy them. One person responded "Oh so you're just focusing on work right now".

Maybe this strategy won't work in the long term though :P

I don't have a clue about general advice, just thought I'd share that experience.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...