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Hi, everyone.

I'm sure you all get tired of this, so I'm sorry, but I'm really confused. I thought reading through some of the FAQ would help, but I think I'm just more confused now. I apologize in advance. This is probably going to be somewhat long.

I used to easily identify as a straight girl through high school and college, although things started to change during my college years. I can say that I have done sex acts with a handful of guys, but I have never had sex. Even when I was "sexually active," it was rare for me to do anything more than kissing someone. At some point, sex became uninteresting to me. I still find people (male and female) physically attractive. I would even still be willing to have sex (in any form) with these people, but it would take a lot for me to do that. I might even get SOME kind of physical pleasure out of it, but I feel like it would be minimal. I'll explain that in a bit, too. My lack of interest in sex has gotten to a point that I really don't pursue anyone, for anything. It may be best for me to put this in a semi-list format to help break a few things down:

1. I haven't dated in years, for several reasons including a lack of desire to marry/start a family, and the mess that the almost inevitable sex would cause. I don't even know how I would explain myself when it barely makes any sense to me. Furthermore, what happens when I get sick of having sex just to please someone else? I'm 99% sure that would happen.

2. I have masturbated in the past but the last few times I've tried, I've found it pointless almost before I even got started. I must have felt something to want to do it, right? But then I found myself thinking, "What am I doing this for?" I didn't feel anything worth continuing the act. This is why I'm pretty sure that any pleasure I would get from sex would be too minimal to bother with. See, that doesn't even seem right. Sex shouldn't be a thing you "bother" with, right?

3. I don't even know how I would approach any kind of casual sex because I'm too fucking shy, especially around anyone attractive. I would have to get to know someone before I felt comfortable in a sexual situation...which means that sex is likely to open a whole can of worms - NOT. INTERESTED.

4. I've never wanted to marry or have a family, but I HATE that I'm always alone. This has pretty much ruined my life, because I have no hope that I'd ever find anyone who understands what I would want in a relationship. I feel like even with the most perfect person, I wouldn't get anything out of sex. I'm just not interested, and I can't do things just to please someone else long-term. That's not any kind of life, in my eyes.

I don't care if I'm asexual, antisexual, grey-sexual, straight, celibate, or anything else. I just wish I could understand and not feel like the only person on Earth like this. I live in a pretty rural area and I feel alone in every sense of the word. I just wish I could feel like there was someone else out there that would understand me, but even the closest people to me have no idea what I'm living with. I just don't know how they would take it and I can't risk losing what little I have. I don't choose not to have sex. It isn't something I would never do. I choose not to date, but I hate that choice. It just feels like the only viable option right now. All I can say for certain is that despite the strong appearance I keep up, I am lonely. Any light anyone can shed on any of this is greatly appreciated. Thanks.

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Peace Keeper 27

Not wanting family? You just didn't meet the right person yet. If you fall in love you with the right one you would want kids and the whole deal. It's ok to feel asexual now. In time your preference might change

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Hi and welcome to AVEN!

Have some cake for welcome gift :): :cake: :cake: :cake:

1. I haven't dated in years, for several reasons including a lack of desire to marry/start a family, and the mess that the almost inevitable sex would cause. I don't even know how I would explain myself when it barely makes any sense to me. Furthermore, what happens when I get sick of having sex just to please someone else? I'm 99% sure that would happen.

There's nothing wrong in not wanting to start a family. In the bad old days before the internet it could have become an issue with loneliness when one got old unless one was social enough, but these days nobody knows you're 83 when you play computer games online or discuss the latest anime series on a chat with the teenagers. Growing up is optional and I for one am not going to grow old gracefully.

But be sure it's because it's what you want and not because you're afraid of the sex issue. Yes, if you go into a relationship offering or pretending to want sex and then you're completely right, it usually does become a mess with someone or both being dissatisfied. But you've found AVEN and you're not alone. If you find the right person, sex does not have to be a part of a loving relationship, and if you go in to a relationship with open and honest communications you have as good a chance at making it work as anyone else.

2. I have masturbated in the past but the last few times I've tried, I've found it pointless almost before I even got started. I must have felt something to want to do it, right? But then I found myself thinking, "What am I doing this for?" I didn't feel anything worth continuing the act. This is why I'm pretty sure that any pleasure I would get from sex would be too minimal to bother with. See, that doesn't even seem right. Sex shouldn't be a thing you "bother" with, right?

If you have a low libido you might want to get it checked out. There's nothing wrong with having a low libido, but there can also be underlying medical issues from depression to hormone disturbances that can cause it, so definitely get it checked out if you feel like it's causing a problem in your life, and maybe even otherwise.

3. I don't even know how I would approach any kind of casual sex because I'm too fucking shy, especially around anyone attractive. I would have to get to know someone before I felt comfortable in a sexual situation...which means that sex is likely to open a whole can of worms - NOT. INTERESTED.

Yeah, well, casual sex. Eww.

4. I've never wanted to marry or have a family, but I HATE that I'm always alone. This has pretty much ruined my life, because I have no hope that I'd ever find anyone who understands what I would want in a relationship. I feel like even with the most perfect person, I wouldn't get anything out of sex. I'm just not interested, and I can't do things just to please someone else long-term. That's not any kind of life, in my eyes.

Feeling that way is perfectly ok. The only thing that means is you shouldn't get into a relationship with someone who does want sex, so you're doing that right by being kind enough not to cause problems with that for someone else. And you've looked up AVEN so now you have a place with a lot of people who might understand what you want.

So welcome, again :)

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Not wanting family? You just didn't meet the right person yet. If you fall in love you with the right one you would want kids and the whole deal. It's ok to feel asexual now. In time your preference might change

I really don't know how you could say that, or draw that conclusion. I don't like children, or babies. I certainly am not interested in having my own, and definitely not because I haven't "met the right person." Not everyone is interested in having children, and although I feel alone in a lot of how I feel, I know I'm not the only person who doesn't want kids (we're just not common). This reaction is one of the reasons I've steered clear of relationships, because - especially at my age, it gets frustrating to try and make people understand that I'm not interested in becoming a mother. I don't want to raise children, regardless of who I'm with. I'm almost 28, by the way. I think it would've kicked in by now.

Please don't come back and say "but you'd love your OWN children." That is the most no-shit-Sherlock statement I've ever heard. Loving a thing doesn't make you want to raise it. I love ducks, but I don't want one of my own.

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Hi and welcome to AVEN!

Have some cake for welcome gift :): :cake: :cake: :cake:

1. I haven't dated in years, for several reasons including a lack of desire to marry/start a family, and the mess that the almost inevitable sex would cause. I don't even know how I would explain myself when it barely makes any sense to me. Furthermore, what happens when I get sick of having sex just to please someone else? I'm 99% sure that would happen.

There's nothing wrong in not wanting to start a family. In the bad old days before the internet it could have become an issue with loneliness when one got old unless one was social enough, but these days nobody knows you're 83 when you play computer games online or discuss the latest anime series on a chat with the teenagers. Growing up is optional and I for one am not going to grow old gracefully.

But be sure it's because it's what you want and not because you're afraid of the sex issue. Yes, if you go into a relationship offering or pretending to want sex and then you're completely right, it usually does become a mess with someone or both being dissatisfied. But you've found AVEN and you're not alone. If you find the right person, sex does not have to be a part of a loving relationship, and if you go in to a relationship with open and honest communications you have as good a chance at making it work as anyone else.

2. I have masturbated in the past but the last few times I've tried, I've found it pointless almost before I even got started. I must have felt something to want to do it, right? But then I found myself thinking, "What am I doing this for?" I didn't feel anything worth continuing the act. This is why I'm pretty sure that any pleasure I would get from sex would be too minimal to bother with. See, that doesn't even seem right. Sex shouldn't be a thing you "bother" with, right?

If you have a low libido you might want to get it checked out. There's nothing wrong with having a low libido, but there can also be underlying medical issues from depression to hormone disturbances that can cause it, so definitely get it checked out if you feel like it's causing a problem in your life, and maybe even otherwise.

3. I don't even know how I would approach any kind of casual sex because I'm too fucking shy, especially around anyone attractive. I would have to get to know someone before I felt comfortable in a sexual situation...which means that sex is likely to open a whole can of worms - NOT. INTERESTED.

Yeah, well, casual sex. Eww.

4. I've never wanted to marry or have a family, but I HATE that I'm always alone. This has pretty much ruined my life, because I have no hope that I'd ever find anyone who understands what I would want in a relationship. I feel like even with the most perfect person, I wouldn't get anything out of sex. I'm just not interested, and I can't do things just to please someone else long-term. That's not any kind of life, in my eyes.

Feeling that way is perfectly ok. The only thing that means is you shouldn't get into a relationship with someone who does want sex, so you're doing that right by being kind enough not to cause problems with that for someone else. And you've looked up AVEN so now you have a place with a lot of people who might understand what you want.

So welcome, again :)

Thank you. Yes, the not wanting kids/family definitely has nothing to do with sex! I think it might have something (a small something) to do with the three divorces I went through as a kid, but mostly it's because I don't want to disrupt my life to raise a child. I mean, that is a 100% full-time job that you can't quit or screw up on. No thanks. Society doesn't need me raising a kid, that is for sure. Kids are gross. I'm much more interested in being a kid myself than having one. I have a hard enough time keeping up with myself.

I'm glad you agree with my decision to not get involved with someone who wants sex. It's good to feel like I'm doing the right thing, I suppose. It's just frustrating, especially with where I live. It's not like people who don't want sex are running all over the place, and I'm sure it feels that way for most everyone around here.

I pretty much just can't wait to be older so everyone will stop asking if I've met anyone/been on any dates lately. That makes me lonelier and like I've failed someone somehow (although it's none of their business.)

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Thank you. Yes, the not wanting kids/family definitely has nothing to do with sex! I think it might have something (a small something) to do with the three divorces I went through as a kid, but mostly it's because I don't want to disrupt my life to raise a child. I mean, that is a 100% full-time job that you can't quit or screw up on. No thanks. Society doesn't need me raising a kid, that is for sure. Kids are gross. I'm much more interested in being a kid myself than having one. I have a hard enough time keeping up with myself.

That's perfectly fine, and I think more and more people are feeling that way. Don't let your parents failures dictate your behaviour though; you're not them. :).

I don't know, it's not likely, but these days I think I could accept having kids. I eventually came to the conclusion that a lot of the problems I saw with families and kids around me were more due to parents acting like 24/7 daycare robots rather than loving, but independent, human beings. I mean, consider the circumstances under which humanity has developed, the current weird way of raising kids is a quite strange anomaly and kids aren't made from crystal glass.

If I did get kids, yes, it'd disrupt my life significantly, but a mandatory precondition would be to keep growing as a human being. As a parent you not only have the responsibility to do your best for a child, you also have a responsibility to prepare them to be independent and self-sufficient individuals who can live without you. I mean, if we as parents become individuals who our kids, like you and me, look at with horror and say 'I'm never going to get kids with how it ruined my parents life', then what is really the point?

And I don't think it's possible not to screw up as a parent. Put away money for a therapy fund for the kids. We're human, we fail, we can only acknowledge our failures and do what we can to reduce the fallout.

But my first priority is being someone I can respect, which includes being someone who enjoys his life and tries to become the most he can, and if getting kids is likely to turn me into someone I can't, then like you say, we don't need more kids raised by people like that.

I'm glad you agree with my decision to not get involved with someone who wants sex. It's good to feel like I'm doing the right thing, I suppose. It's just frustrating, especially with where I live. It's not like people who don't want sex are running all over the place, and I'm sure it feels that way for most everyone around here.

I pretty much just can't wait to be older so everyone will stop asking if I've met anyone/been on any dates lately. That makes me lonelier and like I've failed someone somehow (although it's none of their business.)

What kind of loneliness are you feeling? I mean, is it lack of intellectual and emotional stimulation? Physical touch? Friendly local company for things like dinners, movies and activities? Cohabitation and continuous company? Romantic love?

I mean, as long as sex isn't necessarily a part of the relationship, a lot of the rest of human needs can be fulfilled by others. Me, I get a sense of purpose and intellectual stimulation from work, friends and people on the internet. I get emotional stimulation from friends and some relatives. I get physical touch from friends and two cats. I get local company from friends. I don't cohabit, apart from the cats, but don't want to either. I don't really have any romantic love for the moment, but neither do I feel it's missing that much (and due to my own orientation it would be complicated). Still, if sex wasn't part of the romantic relationship, and the rest of human needs were met elsewhere, perhaps you could even have that long-distance if it's hard to find appropriate people nearby.

When it comes to people asking about your romantic life, well, the only way I've found do deal with that is really to punish them with Too Much Information. They're usually well meaning and don't understand that it can be both painful and not that easy to solve. I mean, geez, I had a project manager ask me if I'd considered using Tinder because it worked really well for her friends! I must have given her a fairly withering look, as she quickly followed up with "I know it's a bit shallow..." (yeah, no shit). Before figuring out the asexuality thing, I'd end up telling them about the stuff I do do if it got annoying, which either would shock them or not, but at least get them to back off on that.

But I know that's not easy in a vulnerable situation with limited social options. So I can't give you much help beyond encouraging you to take strength in like minded in places like here so you can get confidence about being who you are.

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Blue Phoenix Ace

I pretty much just can't wait to be older so everyone will stop asking if I've met anyone/been on any dates lately. That makes me lonelier and like I've failed someone somehow (although it's none of their business.)

I'm 37 now and I still get that question very often. So, don't hold your breath on that one. Try not to see it as a failure. Remember that the majority of people feel more comfortable in a relationship and they are just projecting that desire onto you. Most people just want you to be happy, and they feel that what worked for them will also work for you.

We seem to have a lot in common, at least on points 1, 3, and 4. I have been on, maybe two dates, in the last three years? It's not fun, and I'm really not interested in it anymore. I'm pretty sure I have no desire for a romantic partner at all, which is part of being aromantic. That might also describe you as well. Do you want a romantic relationship without marriage or sex? If so, then you wouldn't be aromantic.

I also understand about not wanting to just boink someone casually. It seems to happen all the time around us, but it's OK not to agree with it because it's so prevalent. You don't have to do something you aren't comfortable with, especially with the only goal of pleasing how others perceive you.

As for the being alone, you should check out a few of the recent threads in the older asexuals subforum. We've been discussing that very topic over there. Personally, I like a lot of solitude and I have enough social activities with friends to get my fill. It may be more difficult in a rural area, but make a priority to have friends in your life.

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Not wanting family? You just didn't meet the right person yet. If you fall in love you with the right one you would want kids and the whole deal. It's ok to feel asexual now. In time your preference might change

What? Just no. I'd say this is borderline offensive. You need to see that the world is not so uniform.

Not wanting kids and living a life without kids is actually a viable option, have you ever even considered it? Imagine all the time and resources it frees, not having children. At 16 years old I started wanting to become a musician, and I started thinking about my own family and everyone I know and how none of them have really done anything other than just "sleep, eat, work, fuck" every day of their lives. For generations and generations in my family there have been raised kids, and they've always been raised to be happy and to make the most of their lives. But then instead, they go ahead and raise their own kids who they want to be happy. I figured I wanted to be the one to break the perpetual cycle, and be the one to dedicate my life to myself, rather than raising kids of my own. My perspective is basically that I want to live for the project of myself, and not for kids, or some wife or the love of anyone else.

What happens to so many people who get kids is that they grow content with their situation, and what happens when you grow content is that you stop pursuing and you stop searching for adventure. Does that sound like a sad state of existence to you? Cause it totally sounds sad to me. And you might romanticize having this family, and having someone that you can love, you might even live a fulfilling life that way. But that to me and many others that sounds utterly dull. Instead, I wanna write post-modern poetry, I want personal and financial freedom, I wanna do lots of drugs, and I just wanna throw up thinking about this kind of mindless stability in my life that a family would offer.

Now this is only my perspective, - don't know if anyone else in the world shares it at all, but the point is; people are different. I wanna end with a question, and a challenge; can anyone give any objective reasons for why an asexual person specifically should/would ever even want to be in a relationship at all? I understand that a lot of people do, but I really don't get why. (I asked one of my friends and he just thought for a while and jokingly said "yeaaah pussy on the regular man!" and we had some good laughs at that indeed, but yes, no.)

___

as for the actual question. I can offer nothing you haven't thought of yourself already. I wasn't even going to reply until this person lit a fire under my sensitivities. but don't worry too much about petty things, and always say yes to both new and old things, have projects, and get new friends and "work"/live to grow even closer to your closest friends. these are universal steps to living a smooth life.

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That's perfectly fine, and I think more and more people are feeling that way. Don't let your parents failures dictate your behaviour though; you're not them. :).

I don't know, it's not likely, but these days I think I could accept having kids. I eventually came to the conclusion that a lot of the problems I saw with families and kids around me were more due to parents acting like 24/7 daycare robots rather than loving, but independent, human beings. I mean, consider the circumstances under which humanity has developed, the current weird way of raising kids is a quite strange anomaly and kids aren't made from crystal glass.

If I did get kids, yes, it'd disrupt my life significantly, but a mandatory precondition would be to keep growing as a human being. As a parent you not only have the responsibility to do your best for a child, you also have a responsibility to prepare them to be independent and self-sufficient individuals who can live without you. I mean, if we as parents become individuals who our kids, like you and me, look at with horror and say 'I'm never going to get kids with how it ruined my parents life', then what is really the point?

And I don't think it's possible not to screw up as a parent. Put away money for a therapy fund for the kids. We're human, we fail, we can only acknowledge our failures and do what we can to reduce the fallout.

But my first priority is being someone I can respect, which includes being someone who enjoys his life and tries to become the most he can, and if getting kids is likely to turn me into someone I can't, then like you say, we don't need more kids raised by people like that.

Yeah, the kids thing really does have more to do with not wanting the responsibility and not wanting to hate my life more than anything. I would be miserable, and I know this. I'll stick to my rats and fish!!!

What kind of loneliness are you feeling? I mean, is it lack of intellectual and emotional stimulation? Physical touch? Friendly local company for things like dinners, movies and activities? Cohabitation and continuous company? Romantic love?

I mean, as long as sex isn't necessarily a part of the relationship, a lot of the rest of human needs can be fulfilled by others. Me, I get a sense of purpose and intellectual stimulation from work, friends and people on the internet. I get emotional stimulation from friends and some relatives. I get physical touch from friends and two cats. I get local company from friends. I don't cohabit, apart from the cats, but don't want to either. I don't really have any romantic love for the moment, but neither do I feel it's missing that much (and due to my own orientation it would be complicated). Still, if sex wasn't part of the romantic relationship, and the rest of human needs were met elsewhere, perhaps you could even have that long-distance if it's hard to find appropriate people nearby.

When it comes to people asking about your romantic life, well, the only way I've found do deal with that is really to punish them with Too Much Information. They're usually well meaning and don't understand that it can be both painful and not that easy to solve. I mean, geez, I had a project manager ask me if I'd considered using Tinder because it worked really well for her friends! I must have given her a fairly withering look, as she quickly followed up with "I know it's a bit shallow..." (yeah, no shit). Before figuring out the asexuality thing, I'd end up telling them about the stuff I do do if it got annoying, which either would shock them or not, but at least get them to back off on that.

But I know that's not easy in a vulnerable situation with limited social options. So I can't give you much help beyond encouraging you to take strength in like minded in places like here so you can get confidence about being who you are.

I hate to say it, but it's kind of a bit of all of it? I get intellectual and emotional stimulation through a few internet friends, and I'm pretty good with that, but other things are lacking. I have a few friends from my last job but we communicate over facebook and text. I don't live particularly close to any of my friends, as I've had a 45-min commute for the last year. This makes things particularly hard. Friends who do live in my town all work two jobs, so....you can imagine how free they are. I used to do local activities with my cousins, but because of recent work schedule changes, that pretty much is impossible now.

Cohabitation is a sticky subject. I would love to live on my own, but could never afford it. I'd be willing to cohabit with the right person, just to get out of my current living situation. Eventually, I'd rather live on my own or with someone whom I have some kind of relationship with. I'd love to build some kind of relationship with someone, but it seems daunting.

I think, after so many years, it's gotten easier dealing with people asking about my relationships. I mean, my family knew even before I got out of high school that they would never get grandchildren from me. I think they're becoming convinced that I'm going to be alone forever, which I hope is not true, but it saves a lot of trouble. I haven't told anyone about my orientation (obviously, I'm still figuring it out myself) or anything. When people ask, I usually just tell them I'm not interested in any of it, which is only partly true, but it's the simplest way of going about things.

Thank you for all your kind words and warm welcome. It's really helped a lot.

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I pretty much just can't wait to be older so everyone will stop asking if I've met anyone/been on any dates lately. That makes me lonelier and like I've failed someone somehow (although it's none of their business.)

I'm 37 now and I still get that question very often. So, don't hold your breath on that one. Try not to see it as a failure. Remember that the majority of people feel more comfortable in a relationship and they are just projecting that desire onto you. Most people just want you to be happy, and they feel that what worked for them will also work for you.

We seem to have a lot in common, at least on points 1, 3, and 4. I have been on, maybe two dates, in the last three years? It's not fun, and I'm really not interested in it anymore. I'm pretty sure I have no desire for a romantic partner at all, which is part of being aromantic. That might also describe you as well. Do you want a romantic relationship without marriage or sex? If so, then you wouldn't be aromantic.

I also understand about not wanting to just boink someone casually. It seems to happen all the time around us, but it's OK not to agree with it because it's so prevalent. You don't have to do something you aren't comfortable with, especially with the only goal of pleasing how others perceive you.

As for the being alone, you should check out a few of the recent threads in the older asexuals subforum. We've been discussing that very topic over there. Personally, I like a lot of solitude and I have enough social activities with friends to get my fill. It may be more difficult in a rural area, but make a priority to have friends in your life.

I mean, I feel like a failure in some sense, but I know I'd feel worse if I tried to be something I'm not. I think my mom is just upset because she doesn't want me to be alone forever -meaning both that she'd like me to date and also that I have an utter lack of real friendships, and that makes her sad. Good thing she has my straight sexual older sister. They get along better anyways.

I don't think I'd consider myself aromantic. I'd like a relationship...but I'd prefer it be built more on intellect. I'd like to have someone to cuddle up with at night sometimes, but I don't want anyone up my butt all the time either? I guess no one does, hahaha. I'd like to have an emotional bond with someone, but I really wouldn't care if it ever involved sex. Making out? Sure. Sleeping together...as in actual sleep? Yeah, probably most of the time. But that's kind of the bulk of it? So yeah, not aromantic.

I think if I had more friends, I'd feel better. But it's hard to meet anyone around here. I drive 45 minutes to work, so...even acquaintances I have at work, it's hard to get together with them. I'm really shy in person, so it's hard for me to go anywhere and just talk to people. Thanks though. I'll check out the other forum, and I actually feel pretty welcomed around here, so that's definitely a plus. :)

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Peace Keeper 27

Not wanting family? You just didn't meet the right person yet. If you fall in love you with the right one you would want kids and the whole deal. It's ok to feel asexual now. In time your preference might change

that to me and many others that sounds utterly dull. Instead, I wanna write post-modern poetry, I want personal and financial freedom, I wanna do lots of drugs, and I just wanna throw up thinking about this kind of mindless stability in my life that a family would offer.

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Peace Keeper 27

Ohhhhh this makes a lot of sense now.

I didn't mean to get under your sensitive side. But I'm not a firm believer on some of ur beliefs. Even though I'm offended. The truth is this is reality and you are entitled to live life how ever you choose. So am I. And everyone else as an individual.

But if that's how you choose to live. I respect you for it. I'm just not on that boat.

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Blue Phoenix Ace

I think if I had more friends, I'd feel better. But it's hard to meet anyone around here. I drive 45 minutes to work, so...even acquaintances I have at work, it's hard to get together with them. I'm really shy in person, so it's hard for me to go anywhere and just talk to people. Thanks though. I'll check out the other forum, and I actually feel pretty welcomed around here, so that's definitely a plus. :)

Do people at your work go out to eat lunch a lot? That's how I made a lot of the friends that I have known for over 15 years. Once you get to know them better, driving 45 minutes to hang out with the ones who have common interests isn't so bad.

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Not wanting family? You just didn't meet the right person yet. If you fall in love you with the right one you would want kids and the whole deal. It's ok to feel asexual now. In time your preference might change

I was hoping this was sarcasm.

Obviously not. That is very degrading to say.

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Peace Keeper 27

Ok, can you please explain or give an example. Because I'm pretty open minded. And don't understand where you are coming from? @ Panther. New to site don't know how to use the quotes.

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Ok, can you please explain or give an example. Because I'm pretty open minded. And don't understand where you are coming from? @ Panther. New to site don't know how to use the quotes.

A lot of people would say that to those who are child free and want to stay that way. Same when it comes to asexuals who don't want sex. "Meet the right person" is not something one should say to others. I hear it all the time. The right person is someone who understands that you are who you are and doesn't try to convince you otherwise. You can only change for yourself.

Quote button is at the bottom right of each post.

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Peace Keeper 27

And also, from my view. I felt like I was asexual, like I wasn't into sex, but I would still have sex. I was completely done with having sex for awhile. Cause like some, I was not interested in having kids. It would have been with a bunch of random girls. It was a challenge finding the right girl. And then I fell in love. And that sent me crazy

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And also, from my view. I felt like I was asexual, like I wasn't into sex, but I would still have sex. I was completely done with having sex for awhile. Cause like some, I was not interested in having kids. It would have been with a bunch of random girls. It was a challenge finding the right girl. And then I fell in love. And that sent me crazy

It's good that you're open minded and trying to understand.

I think you partly don't quite understand asexuality yet. The lack of sexual attraction is not the same as lack of libido/sex drive. It's more like, imagine you were in a world of only men but you were still heterosexual. If someone came along and said 'but you just haven't met the right man yet!', do you think you would feel that comforting or helpful? Do you feel it's just a phase that you're interested in women? Do you think that if you go out and just try having sex with a bunch of random men that you'd find the right one?

See the problem? Being asexual means you don't experience sexual attraction to anyone, and as it seems to work similar to orientations, it's not something that really changes unless there are other underlying causes. As it unfortunately doesn't also necessarily mean you lack romantic attraction, there's a built-in problem that means 'compatible' partners are far fewer than for other orientation, so when you say things might change you just exacerbate the feeling of isolation and indicate to an asexual how different it is for them. That part isn't going to change, and people who think it will are a large part of relationship problems that they're likely to experience.

Does that help you understand a bit more?

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Yeah, the kids thing really does have more to do with not wanting the responsibility and not wanting to hate my life more than anything. I would be miserable, and I know this. I'll stick to my rats and fish!!!

Pets rock :).

I hate to say it, but it's kind of a bit of all of it? I get intellectual and emotional stimulation through a few internet friends, and I'm pretty good with that, but other things are lacking. I have a few friends from my last job but we communicate over facebook and text. I don't live particularly close to any of my friends, as I've had a 45-min commute for the last year. This makes things particularly hard. Friends who do live in my town all work two jobs, so....you can imagine how free they are. I used to do local activities with my cousins, but because of recent work schedule changes, that pretty much is impossible now.

Making new friends gets a bit harder as we age, but unless there are other factors, I think it's mostly because we tend to become set in our habits and don't meet new people that often. I mean, if you want some purely practical advice, finding associations and groups of people who share your interests and joining them is probably the best way to find new friends as an adult in the real world. Much easier if you have a common interest and something that will get you together regularly if you're a bit shy. I'm not sure exactly how rural the place you are at is, but even the most rural areas often have at least some minimal forms of, if nothing else, interest groups around maintaining the community who usually appreciate more members.

Thank you for all your kind words and warm welcome. It's really helped a lot.

You're welcome! Helping people makes me feel useful, so thank you :)

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I think if I had more friends, I'd feel better. But it's hard to meet anyone around here. I drive 45 minutes to work, so...even acquaintances I have at work, it's hard to get together with them. I'm really shy in person, so it's hard for me to go anywhere and just talk to people. Thanks though. I'll check out the other forum, and I actually feel pretty welcomed around here, so that's definitely a plus. :)

Do people at your work go out to eat lunch a lot? That's how I made a lot of the friends that I have known for over 15 years. Once you get to know them better, driving 45 minutes to hang out with the ones who have common interests isn't so bad.

Going out to eat, like during our lunch break? Not feasible for us. I work in a 24/7 call center for tech support, so we all have to take our lunch breaks at different, set times, to keep the phones covered. I haven't worked at this place terribly long, so hopefully it'll get better, but...it is also intimidating that I am the only girl. It's tricky to even approach asking a coworker out on a one-on-one kind of basis. It makes things date-y and I'm not trying to throw false signals or get involved with anyone there, of course. I'm definitely going to give it more time. I made one good friend at my last job (in the same town as my current one) but we've never hung out outside of work. I'd like to change that, it just never works out. We talk over facebook and her wife is now my boss. It's a start, I guess.

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Not wanting family? You just didn't meet the right person yet. If you fall in love you with the right one you would want kids and the whole deal. It's ok to feel asexual now. In time your preference might change

I really don't know how you could say that, or draw that conclusion. I don't like children, or babies. I certainly am not interested in having my own, and definitely not because I haven't "met the right person." Not everyone is interested in having children, and although I feel alone in a lot of how I feel, I know I'm not the only person who doesn't want kids (we're just not common). This reaction is one of the reasons I've steered clear of relationships, because - especially at my age, it gets frustrating to try and make people understand that I'm not interested in becoming a mother. I don't want to raise children, regardless of who I'm with. I'm almost 28, by the way. I think it would've kicked in by now.

Please don't come back and say "but you'd love your OWN children." That is the most no-shit-Sherlock statement I've ever heard. Loving a thing doesn't make you want to raise it. I love ducks, but I don't want one of my own.

that's exactly the kind of response(s) i get when i say i don't want kids.... starting to get quite tired of it now... i know most people mean well, but only because they think you might want a solution to why you don't want that. but there are also those people that get a bit crossed about it. wtf?

i like the duck comparison. i think i'll start using this kind of comparison when i want to explain that to others. thanks! ;)

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It's tricky to even approach asking a coworker out on a one-on-one kind of basis. It makes things date-y and I'm not trying to throw false signals or get involved with anyone there, of course.

Speaking as an aromantic who's done a lot of asking people out (non-date) on a one-on-one basis: if you're not interested, it's very clear. No false signals here. If they wanted to think it was date-y, then they would think that regardless of whether you asked them to lunch.

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It's tricky to even approach asking a coworker out on a one-on-one kind of basis. It makes things date-y and I'm not trying to throw false signals or get involved with anyone there, of course.

Speaking as an aromantic who's done a lot of asking people out (non-date) on a one-on-one basis: if you're not interested, it's very clear. No false signals here. If they wanted to think it was date-y, then they would think that regardless of whether you asked them to lunch.

I only say that because it's happened in the past, and then when I'm like, 'no no you nisunderstood,' people get mad. And then I'm like....wait, what did I do? Hello, square one, nice to see you again. It just makes things awkward. Maybe I just am not meant to be social at all. I've never been good at it.

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Not wanting family? You just didn't meet the right person yet. If you fall in love you with the right one you would want kids and the whole deal. It's ok to feel asexual now. In time your preference might change

I really don't know how you could say that, or draw that conclusion. I don't like children, or babies. I certainly am not interested in having my own, and definitely not because I haven't "met the right person." Not everyone is interested in having children, and although I feel alone in a lot of how I feel, I know I'm not the only person who doesn't want kids (we're just not common). This reaction is one of the reasons I've steered clear of relationships, because - especially at my age, it gets frustrating to try and make people understand that I'm not interested in becoming a mother. I don't want to raise children, regardless of who I'm with. I'm almost 28, by the way. I think it would've kicked in by now.

Please don't come back and say "but you'd love your OWN children." That is the most no-shit-Sherlock statement I've ever heard. Loving a thing doesn't make you want to raise it. I love ducks, but I don't want one of my own.

that's exactly the kind of response(s) i get when i say i don't want kids.... starting to get quite tired of it now... i know most people mean well, but only because they think you might want a solution to why you don't want that. but there are also those people that get a bit crossed about it. wtf?

i like the duck comparison. i think i'll start using this kind of comparison when i want to explain that to others. thanks! ;)

Yeah, in our philosophy class, we discussed quite often that it's an unconscious "insult" or mistake that people make. If someone says: "I want to get married and have 2 kids", nobody asks them why even if they're just following that path without actually thinking whether they really want that. If there's even a slight deviation from the status quo, then for some reason we have to explain... :/

People don't mean to do that, but it does stem from their assumptions.

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