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Can you be aromantic and still crave love?


saxitlurg

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I definitely consider myself asexual, but I've been wondering if I'm aro too, or at least on the spectrum.

I'm 22 years old, have never once had a crush, or even anything really close to it. The few times I thought I had, it was just my desire for a relationship that I had reflected onto someone. I'm a woman and I somewhat hesitantly call myself gay because men do nothing for me aesthetically, they usually annoy the crap out of me in general, and the idea of having sex with them makes me want to throw up and cry (I'm horribly afraid of penises). But while I know I could never love a man, I've never had a crush on a girl either (even though I constantly find myself staring at girls I think are cute, and would probably consider having sex with one though I probably wouldn't like it very much)

But yet I want to be in a relationship. I hate being alone all the time, I hate coming home to an empty apartment. I want someone to snuggle with, I want someone to talk to, I want someone to kiss, and do life stuff with. But I'm pretty introverted, spending more than a few hours with anyone wears me out like crazy and makes me tense and irritable, so I shudder to think how I would be if I was in a relationship and spent almost all of my free time with someone. And most of the romanc-y couple things seem so exhausting and pointless to me. I don't understand the weird power games, the desire to fall asleep with someone on the phone so theirs is the last voice you hear (I want to read and go to sleep dammit), the dumb jealousy shit.... it all seems stupid.

But I'm constantly thinking about love and being in a relationship. I'm a comic writer, and all my stories are about love, to an almost obsessive point. But it's always with fictional characters, I've rarely found myself fantasizing about me being in a relationship with someone (especially not someone I know) It's like.....can I be aromantic if I'm thinking about love all the damn time? Or if not, will my introversion kill any chance at a relationship?

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I think this will help

There are 6 types of attraction. They're all typically felt with romantic attraction (and why there can be confusion between attractions) but aren't needed to make it valid. Other than romantic attraction, obviously, they can all be felt platonically, separately and in different combinations.

· Sexual attraction - the impulse/urge/compulsion to have sex with a specific person; to do genital involving things to their body.

· Romantic attraction - an emotion; so it doesn't translate well into words, but it can be inadequately put as soft/warm/fuzzy feelings with some degree of fixation (at least in comparison to one's normality with others). Some people have a physical reaction to the feeling (i.e. butterflies in their stomach, dreamy mindset, anxious euphoria, heart rate increase, infatuation, etc.) and others don't.

· Aesthetic attraction - the pull to look at someone because of their looks and or mannerisms. It's different from recognizing good looks/what is aesthetically pleasing.

· Emotional attraction - the fixation on someone because of their emotions (their optimism, stoicness, etc.), and by extent personality. I would compare it to having a favorite character or admirance.

· Sensual attraction - the urge to have non-genital physical contact. Platonically displaying this above the norm qualifies as a type of queerplatonic relationship (QPR). I would compare it to how many people have the urge to act toward their pets. Though this term is typically applied to other humans. There are 3 forms of sensual attraction; platonic, romantic (which only differ by chaste kissing), and sexual (in the sense that it’s done for sexual arousal, not because it includes sex/genital contact --and it’s still under the asexual umbrella as a kink).

· Platonic attraction (aka a squish; a play on the romantic word crush) - the strong urge to know or befriend someone.

· And it's possible to find someone charming without romantic attraction. (look up charming's definition/synonyms for further clarification)

· It's also possible to have queerplatonic feelings for someone; to emotionally feel platonic but have the characteristic(s) associated with a romantic relationship. It can be an importance/closeness stronger than the best friend norm, displaying platonic sensual attraction above the norm (only differing from romantic sensual attraction with chaste kissing, although preferring chaste kissing or no kissing does not make one’s feelings unromantic), friends with sexual benefits, romantically pleasing someone they platonically love (QP to one and romantic to the other, although it's their decision on what they call the relationship), or any combination of those. They may or may not have monogamy, live together, have kids, or look like a couple to the public. Romantics and Aromantics can have QPRs.

Liking love stories and whatnot has nothing to do with your orientation/capable feelings toward someone else. Someone can be gay and favor fictional hetero couples.

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I think this will help

There are 6 types of attraction. They're all typically felt with romantic attraction (and why there can be confusion between attractions) but aren't needed to make it valid. Other than romantic attraction, obviously, they can all be felt platonically, separately and in different combinations.

· Sexual attraction - the impulse/urge/compulsion to have sex with a specific person; to do genital involving things to their body.

· Romantic attraction - an emotion; so it doesn't translate well into words, but it can be inadequately put as soft/warm/fuzzy feelings with some degree of fixation (at least in comparison to one's normality with others). Some people have a physical reaction to the feeling (i.e. butterflies in their stomach, dreamy mindset, anxious euphoria, heart rate increase, infatuation, etc.) and others don't.

· Aesthetic attraction - the pull to look at someone because of their looks and or mannerisms. It's different from recognizing good looks/what is aesthetically pleasing.

· Emotional attraction - the fixation on someone because of their emotions (their optimism, stoicness, etc.), and by extent personality. I would compare it to having a favorite character or admirance.

· Sensual attraction - the urge to have non-genital physical contact. Platonically displaying this above the norm qualifies as a type of queerplatonic relationship (QPR). I would compare it to how many people have the urge to act toward their pets. Though this term is typically applied to other humans. There are 3 forms of sensual attraction; platonic, romantic (which only differ by chaste kissing), and sexual (in the sense that it’s done for sexual arousal, not because it includes sex/genital contact --and it’s still under the asexual umbrella as a kink).

· Platonic attraction (aka a squish; a play on the romantic word crush) - the strong urge to know or befriend someone.

· And it's possible to find someone charming without romantic attraction. (look up charming's definition/synonyms for further clarification)

· It's also possible to have queerplatonic feelings for someone; to emotionally feel platonic but have the characteristic(s) associated with a romantic relationship. It can be an importance/closeness stronger than the best friend norm, displaying platonic sensual attraction above the norm (only differing from romantic sensual attraction with chaste kissing, although preferring chaste kissing or no kissing does not make one’s feelings unromantic), friends with sexual benefits, romantically pleasing someone they platonically love (QP to one and romantic to the other, although it's their decision on what they call the relationship), or any combination of those. They may or may not have monogamy, live together, have kids, or look like a couple to the public. Romantics and Aromantics can have QPRs.

Liking love stories and whatnot has nothing to do with your capable feelings toward someone else. Someone can be gay and favor fictional hetero couples.

But I...don't. I don't feel those things. Well I feel aesthetic attraction towards lots of people, and emotional attraction toward one or two, but that's not wanting to form a relationship with them.

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Yah. So?

You don't have romantic attraction, yet you yearn to be in a romantic relationship yourself? Then there's Cupioromantic. It's on the gray-romantic spectrum, not the aromantic.

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nerdperson777

Other than cupioromantic, you may just want a queerplatonic partner (QPP). It's a really close friend, the way I define it. You can do all the things that aren't romantic or sexual. Living with them counts.

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Maybe cupioromantic is what you're looking for? It's someone whose aromantic but still desires a romantic relationship.

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Okay, so just looked up cupioromantic. So does that mean I'll spend my life wanting a romantic relationship but never able to form one? That sounds awful OTL

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@saxitlurg

Wow, I feel really identified with your situation because I'm like that too! Our only differences would be that I think that I don't see myself loving a girl, but apart from that I could say we pretty much think and feel the same way. The introvert struggle it's real and it's one of the things I think the most about when I feel like I want to have a partner.

So, we're cupioromantics? The first deffinition I found described it as "aromantics who still desire a romantic relationship". So it's not that we'll spend our lives wanting a romantic relationship but never be able to form one, but more like, we won't feel romantic attraction, but will still want to form a romantic relationship.

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Okay, so just looked up cupioromantic. So does that mean I'll spend my life wanting a romantic relationship but never able to form one? That sounds awful OTL

Nope, Cupioromantic means you act on your desire for romance despite not having romantic attraction. There can be reciprocation problems in mixed relationships so communication is always important to any relationship. It doesn't mean you have to date a stranger. You could go out with someone you have aesthetic or emotional attraction for. Or a friend you platonically love (demi-cupio). Introverts can be in relationships; many are, their partner just needs to understand when they need alone time, that's all. Some people take it personally and there isn't much you can do about it; just move on to the next one. And don't blame it on yourself; the way you are is fine, they just weren't a match; it's that simple and it happens to everyone who dates.

And don't go around saying Cupio is an aromantic/asexual. The term is hated because it's clearly on the romantic/sexual end but has slight similarity with the other/a loophole technicality. The terms are largely hated because of this and not the supposed oxymoron. Although an aromantic can be in a romantic relationship they do not desire one/have a romantic-drive; both being what makes an aromantic/invert to asexual. Where as a Cupio desires it and thus they're in the Gray zone and not the A. And i understand that its definition can come off as "forever being alone" so to fix both, it should be defined as "someone who acts on their desire for romance/sex but can't feel romantically for anyone/can't find anyone sexually enticing." So the aro/ace terms need to be updated to include no romance/sex-drive because when those terms were coined they didn't realize the difference.

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Yes, you can be aromantic and desire love because love is not necessarily romantic love. Non-romantic love exists as well as snuggling, talking, kissing and living together outside romantic relationships. You don't have to be in love to feel love, because you can feel love for e.g. friends and family as well. Mostly when aromantic people would like to live together with someone they would like to have a (very) good friend to do this stuff with and not a romantic partner. Although mixed relationships do also exists of course.

Do you really want a romantic relationship or do you want the things that society tells you is associated with romance? (read: living together, sharing intimacy, being each other life partners, etc.) Good luck with figuring yourself out!

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Do you really want a romantic relationship or do you want the things that society tells you is associated with romance? (read: living together, sharing intimacy, being each other life partners, etc.) Good luck with figuring yourself out!

Yeah, I guess it is more of the second thing...I like being alone a lot of the time, but I don't fancy being lonely OTL

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I wish I could help you, because presumably that would entail me also having a solution to my own situation, which is basically identical to yours.

A question which might be worth asking (or, more likely, will probably just be annoying, so ignore it if you want) is exactly why you want a romantic relationship. If the answer is because you don't want to feel lonely, is there any reason the relationship has to be romantic, rather than a close friendship, family, pet, that sort of thing? What would the difference be and why is it important to you? Which then leads on to what Laurens said. If the reason it has to be romantic is because that's what society expects from everyone, is it worth conforming when you know that level of intimacy would, in reality, make you uncomfortable?

Alternatively, if it's because it looks happier, more fun or somehow special compared to friendship, I'm told by reliable sources that romance really isn't all it's cracked up to be. Can't speak from experience, of course.

Anyway, I really do wish you the best of luck. There's enough worry and self-doubt in the twenties age bracket as it is without struggling with this as well.

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Queen Under the Mountain
I identify a lot with your post, but since I started to participate in Aven I struggle less and less with it. I know the fact that I still live with my parents count a lot, so I'm not coming home to an empty apartment, but when they travel I can feel how awful it is. Nonetheless, what really changed is that I decided the best thing is to have one or two good friends, which I already have :)


They share my interests, we can hang out together, sometimes have dinner together, I have someone to talk too and none of the problems relationships usually brings, like jealousy, tons of unnecessary physical contact, power games, codependency, etc etc etc, the only problem is: sooner or later they start to date and marry and have kids and have less and less time for me. I don't want to sound egoistical, I'm honestly happy for her when my highly romantic best friend has a boyfriend, but the fact that she didn't neglect everybody else in favor of a new guy is important, is sad to be left behind, but my other friends, is so hard not to let life set us apart... I'm afraid that 10 years from now everybody will be busy taking kids to the ballet classes, doctor, having dinner with their husbands and wives, and no one will be able to go to the cinema with me in a Tuesday night. But that doesn't matter, worry with future is a waste of time, I don't know how I'll be in ten years, how can I know how other people will be? The important thing is that my friends and family fulfill all my needs for companionship. It isn't perfect, since I can't bond with someone for a life long "queer platonic" relationship, but it's working for now.

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I have nothing particulary useful to say except that I identify a lot with your situation. I know I'm asexual but I'm not sure where I fall romantically yet. I haven't yet been in a romantic relationship yet I do desire to have one for most the same reasons you listed. I have good friends and busy myself with activies but lonliness still rears its ugly head from time to time to remind me that I haven't ever had more than that. I'm still struggling to figure this out myself but wish you luck!

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Other than cupioromantic, you may just want a queerplatonic partner (QPP). It's a really close friend, the way I define it. You can do all the things that aren't romantic or sexual. Living with them counts.

Yeah, that kind of sounds more my speed. But I don't know anyone who would be content with just that OTL it's hard to imagine anyone agreeing to it

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Maybe cupioromantic is what you're looking for? It's someone whose aromantic but still desires a romantic relationship.

Maybe. I have no idea how I would explain that to anyone...without sounding completely heartless...(I grew up in a part of Texas where most people didn't even know what a pride flag was, so it's hard for me to imagine someone being accepting and stuff)

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Introverts can be in relationships; many are, their partner just needs to understand when they need alone time, that's all. Some people take it personally and there isn't much you can do about it; just move on to the next one. And don't blame it on yourself; the way you are is fine, they just weren't a match; it's that simple and it happens to everyone who dates.

Yeah, my family always treated me like I was selfish for needing so much alone time, so I kind of have a complex about it. It's literally impossible for me to imagine someone dating me being okay with letting me have hours of alone time every day.

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A question which might be worth asking (or, more likely, will probably just be annoying, so ignore it if you want) is exactly why you want a romantic relationship. If the answer is because you don't want to feel lonely, is there any reason the relationship has to be romantic, rather than a close friendship, family, pet, that sort of thing? What would the difference be and why is it important to you?

It's partly from being lonely, but it's equal parts because I miss being touched. My family (well mostly my dad) were really huggy and affectionate. I moved away from home three years ago, and I've become hyper aware that no one touches me anymore. Most of my friends aren't huggers, and the ones that are live far away. I'm an introvert who needs lots of alone time, but I'm also someone who needs to give and receive physical affection to stay happy. It would have to be something at least a little more than friendship, because with friendship there's always a wall there. Affection can only go so far, sharing can only go so far. My ideal partner would probably be someone that's a best friend without those walls. But I also have a warped view of "romance" because that whole "best friend without walls thing" is exactly what my parents marriage is like. They don't do romantic things for each other, they don't have barriers, you can honestly tell that they're best friends and that there's no one else who's company they'd rather be in. I really want that. Like I don't know what the difference between that and romance is.

I have nothing particulary useful to say except that I identify a lot with your situation. I know I'm asexual but I'm not sure where I fall romantically yet. I haven't yet been in a romantic relationship yet I do desire to have one for most the same reasons you listed. I have good friends and busy myself with activies but lonliness still rears its ugly head from time to time to remind me that I haven't ever had more than that. I'm still struggling to figure this out myself but wish you luck!

I wish you luck too. <3 It's a hard battle

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