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Need help deciding gender


HomoSapien

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Hello. I'm a new user on this site, and first of all if anyone could bother reading this, would you be able to help me decide my gender? I've been questioning it for a while, and I'm suspecting trans or fluid.

I'm still relatively young compared to others on this site (does this site have an age restriction upon signing up? If so please tell me), and as I'm going through the pain of puberty, it's confusing as to whether my feelings and soul searchings are a phase or not.

As a biological female, I never really acted like the ideal 'lady'. At primary school I was titled 'tomboy', hating pink, dresses, and make up. I understand that those are society norms and not neccecerily a factor in gender identity, but rather gender expression. It's frustrating to see others my age saying they are 'tomboys', claiming to hate frills and pink, but only because they think it's cool.

Around the age of four, I started forming my gender identity. Before then, I thought I was a boy, and when I learnt about the biological differences separating male and female, I was devastated. I thought I would never truly be a boy. Around five I was looking at the mirror, asking myself; Am I a boy or a girl? The answer would always be boy, but when I saw my reflection, it looked almost foregin, like a stranger was looking back at me.

By ten I was experiencing strong feelings about my body. Once I started puberty and the breasts started to grow, I unconsciously developed habits to wear baggy shirts, sports bras, and loose clothing. But despite all that, I feel like it may be a phase. Who knows what teenage hormones can do to you? Although I am fairly unsure, I am probably attracted to males as I used to have a crush on a boy from my school. Reflecting, I realise that he was not the most masculine, and that I may have had a crush on his feminine side instead.

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AVEN doesn't have an age restriction, I joined at 13. (I'm 18 now)

My best advise is just to dress how you feel comfortable dressing, and don't worry too much about what your label is. Unless counseling is an option for you (not that therapists who deal with gender are always helpful), just do what you want and see where that leads you.

Its tough being young and questioning. Don't doubt yourself because what you feel now is just as real and legitimate as what anyone else feels, but also keep in mind that you'll change with time. Im not saying your questioning will magically go away. But how you feel about it will evolve. You might realize you're trans, you might decide that you just prefer to dress more masculinely.

Also, you're free to identify as something now and realize you're not that later in life. Don't trap yourself thinking you have to be able to predict the rest of your life.

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You're old enough to type legibly. Congratulations, you passed the age test!

It may be better to break down the question of gender into smaller questions that determine what's good for you. Do you prefer wearing this kind of clothing or this kind of clothing? Do you prefer being referred to by these pronouns or those pronouns or no pronouns? Do you like wearing your hair like this or that? Want to shave it off? Would you rather have puberty affect your body like this or that or neither? (Medical puberty blockers are a thing you can take if puberty's effects are causing you distress and you want them to stop or hold off until you're sure about what kind of puberty you want to go through!)

If you generally find you'd rather present as and be referred to as a different gender than "female" - like male, or agender, or some other non-binary gender - then I recommend trying it out. Your gender is not supposed to cause you distress, and you don't have to put up with a gender you're unhappy with.

As for whom you're attracted to, that actually doesn't have any bearing on your gender. Anyone of any gender can be sexually and/or romantically attracted to masculine boys or girly boys or non-binary people that present generally masculine or girly girls or butch girls or nobody or any combination of the above. LGBAP people are no less their genders than straight people. So you liking this boy just means you liked this boy - it doesn't have bearing on your gender or what's best for you.

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Deicidle Dreamer

Hey there^^

Since you happen to worry about your gender, I can pretty much assure you that you are mature enough to be on this forum, regardless of your age ;)

First of: Nobody can help you decide your gender. That's because gender isn't something you can decide on. What you can however decide on is how you identify/label and present yourself based on your experience with your gender. I am pretty sure we will all try to guide you in a direction we think you can find a label that fits yourself, but in the end you are the only person that has a saying regarding your identity.

You said you identified as a boy pretty early in life. Would you still say that now in your teens? Regardless of your sex, if you don't identify as female there is of course also the option you could be non-binary. Being agender and thus not having experienced gender in a similar way I can't really give you many tips about this, but just search around this forum a little bit, I'm sure you can find some great reports of personal experiences. I think this could help you to put a thumb on how you feel and would like to identify as. Also reading about how other people experience gender is probably soothing in itself, especially when you feel like nobody else understands the situation you are in.

Speaking from own experience, if you question yourself for a longer time, chances are high it's not just a phase but simply who you are. Accepting this can be quite a process and not everyone is brave enough to be open about it (which is totally ok, especially since we live in a world where being anything but the norm can get you killed or at least destroy your life). However not accepting yourself for who you are and trying to ignore your identity is not healthy and will probably lead to a lot of mental issues you might not even be aware of until you realize how fucked up you got by years of people telling you how you should be/act. So however you feel about your gender, make sure you still accept and love yourself. You are a wonderful being and neither your sex, gender, nor your sexuality or any other part of yourself you were born with makes you any less.

About your crush: Sexual and romantic attractions are separate things and totally have nothing to do with your gender identity. The only thing that your gender identity has to do with them is how you label them. A man who feels sexual attraction only towards other men will probably call himself homosexual, a woman heterosexual. For a non-binary person the word androsexual might fit better. Supposed all these individuals harbor the same feelings, their gender identity decides how they label themselves, it has however no influence whatsoever on the attraction itself.

To sum it up: I would advise to be honest with yourself. With enough time and information you will probably get your answers. Reading about other peoples experience and having a safe place to discuss your own always helps. But yeah, give it some time and don't be shy to experiment with the labels if you believe one might fit you, thought being questioning is fine too. Even if you don't come to a simple conclusion, that's fine. Gender is as individual as the person themselves, so don't let yourself down if it takes a while until you find a label you are really comfortable with.

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Oh noes... I think I have to be the big bad wolf for a moment :(

Technically, AVEN does have an age requirement. You have to be 13 years old or older to have an account. It has to do with international laws that I have no real understanding of. But if this is a problem for anyone here, please don't hesitate to send a PM to me or any admin.

I hope that's not a problem!

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