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Anybody Have Doubts?


Blugrl96

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Hello there :)

so I'm aromantic and I feel pretty strongly about that, or at least I used to.

Not gonna lie sometimes I wonder if aromanticism is an actual orientation or not. Maybe its cause.. Well there could be a lot of reasons. But everybody keeps telling me that I haven't given anybody or myself a chance and that the way I think about romance isn't how it actually is. Is it possible I've felt it and not known? Naturally I'd say no and I would know if I'd been attracted to someone but I'm just exhausted of these discussions and no matter what, there's always something that keeps people from believing me (like oh you've just had a bad experience, it's not love at first sight, you have to get to know someone first).

And what if I'm wrong and everything I've been saying for the past year has been wrong? I'm not sure where I stand myself and am wondering if I should get a significant other because how else am I going to get what I want from a relationship? My friend seems convinced that after a while I'll "develop feelings" and, while irritating, what if she's right? I'm not sure I'd even want to.

I'm sorry if I'm getting too deep or personal but I could seriously use some feedback from others who have doubted or are doubting this themselves.

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The way you think of romance and giving someone a 'chance' is irrelevant to actually feeling romantic attraction for someone. It seems alot of allosexual people just feel it by acting so with someone and that's what they're trying to inforce on you. They have no guaranteed accuracy in assuming your current or future feelings. You know you, not them. If your feelings change then that's your right to disclose. The romantic/sexual majority can't relate to being aromantic/asexual and thus they're coming up with excuses why you're not. Aces face the same problem with allosexual friends. You may just need to find new/non-ignorant friends. They may even think you're lying about never feeling romantic/sexual attraction and that you're just not wanting to date for whatever BS reason. Maybe make them realize what they're saying by asking them if they'd say the same excuses at someone who came out as gay or bi. "I know my feelings, you don't. How i say they are is actually how they are. If they change I'll let you know." Maybe throw in a sarcastic line of them being wonderfully supportive to someone who's simply a minority/not the majority.

Romantic attraction is an emotion so it's hard to put into words but it can inadequately be put as soft/warm/fuzzy feelings with some degree of fixation (at least in comparison to how one normally is with others). Some people have a physical reaction to the feeling (i.e. butterflies in their stomach, dreamy mind state, anxious euphoria, heart rate increase, infatuation, etc.) and others don't. Some people also feel aesthetic attraction (having a pull to look at someone because of their looks and or mannerisms, and different from recognizing good looks/what is "aesthetically pleasing"), sensual attraction (an urge to have non-genital physical contact), emotional attraction (a fixation on someone because of their emotions; and by extent personality; how they are stoic, optimistic, etc.; I would compare it to admirance or a favorite character), and platonic attraction (a strong urge to know/befriend someone), but they aren't needed and can be felt platonically.

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Hello there :)

so I'm aromantic and I feel pretty strongly about that, or at least I used to.

Not gonna lie sometimes I wonder if aromanticism is an actual orientation or not. Maybe its cause.. Well there could be a lot of reasons. But everybody keeps telling me that I haven't given anybody or myself a chance and that the way I think about romance isn't how it actually is. Is it possible I've felt it and not known? Naturally I'd say no and I would know if I'd been attracted to someone but I'm just exhausted of these discussions and no matter what, there's always something that keeps people from believing me (like oh you've just had a bad experience, it's not love at first sight, you have to get to know someone first).

Nothing is absolutely certain and we all have doubts. Sexuality, due in particular to its fluid nature, is a very confusing thing to figure out. This is doubly true for asexuality as it can be impossible to ever fully prove a negative position. Some people go their entire lives and never can find an answer. I used to doubt myself constantly, and even now I occasionally find myself scratching my head wondering if I am wrong.

All we can do is live with what we know of the here and now. Yes, it is possible that in the future I might find someone who awakens my sexuality...but it is just as possible (if not more probable) that I won't. Without someone from the future coming and telling us our destinies we just have to base our conclusions on the evidence we have now.

This goes for people who are straight or homosexual as well. A 65 year old straight man could one day start having sexual desires for other men, or a 32 year old lesbian might wake up with a new appreciation for men. So next time you find someone gaslighting you like that, I would suggest turning it around back on them. If it is someone straight ask them how they know they just haven't met the right person yet to ignite their homosexual side or that they just haven't given people of the same sex a chance yet. The opposite holds true if the person gaslighting you is homosexual.

IMHO nothing is more powerful than letting people get a dose of their own medicine.

And what if I'm wrong and everything I've been saying for the past year has been wrong? I'm not sure where I stand myself and am wondering if I should get a significant other because how else am I going to get what I want from a relationship? My friend seems convinced that after a while I'll "develop feelings" and, while irritating, what if she's right? I'm not sure I'd even want to.

I'm sorry if I'm getting too deep or personal but I could seriously use some feedback from others who have doubted or are doubting this themselves.

You know yourself better than anyone, have you had those feelings in the past? No? Do you feel that way now? Then you are not wrong.

Even if you were wrong, you can't go back and change time. Worrying about things that cannot and will not change is like watering a side walk and expecting it will grow. Put the past behind you. Don't let people make you second guess what only you can know. You know what you have and have not felt so unless they where in your head they have no place trying to suggest otherwise.

As for the future, maybe you will develop feelings...or maybe you won't and instead you will find yourself and another person being miserable stuck in a relationship you never wanted in the first place. That is not fair to that person nor you. The people who are trying to make you question yourself don't have to live with the consequences of your choices, none of them know the future any better than you, and they don't have a clue what you are or are not feeling right now. These type of people are the least qualified to determine if you are wrong or not. Conversely, you are in the best position of anyone to determine what is right for you.

My advice is to search your own feelings and just do what feels right. This way you will be right in the here and now and what will be will be.

Finally, given that you are 18 years of age and most people usually feel these things around Jr. High the odds are high that you have as good an understanding of your sexuality as anyone else does of their own sexuality.

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Thank you both so much.

I think you guys are both right and I am letting other people get to me too much. I should just do what will make me happy and let everything else roll off of me. I'm always going to have to deal with uneducated and ignorant comments.

I'm still wondering if I should get a S.O. Though- not to prove others wrong or to try to force myself into something I'm pretty positive will never happen, but idk how else to get a partner that wants what I want. Which is cuddling, occasional platonic kissing, if I ever want to try sex, someone to go on adventures with and basically dates without the romance. I know this is basically a QPP but there isn't a "dating" site for people wanting those things.

But I've also done a thesis on aromanticism and basically concluded that when aromantic-spectrum people get into a romantic relationship, even if they like parts of it like the sex, the personal closeness, etc., they still end up unhappy until they find someone who understands that they don't want romance or sex or whatever and are willing to set up boundaries. So basically i don't know how to find someone who wants what I want. Especially when I've only ever met 2 aro/aces in person.

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I'd been thinking about posting something along the lines of your question, actually, so thanks. :)

I identify as aro-ace as well, but I still have major doubts sometimes. Recently I've been wondering if I might be slightly biromantic, because I've had crushes on guys and girls (not positive if the crushes would classify as romantic, though) and I often have romantic dreams with either gender. It's hard to explain, really... I like the idea of having a partner but little to no desire for it to be a reality.

For example, in my last semester of high school I started having daydreams about kissing one of my friends. I've always felt attracted to her in an unexplainable way... she has a great personality, and she's so protective of me. So I didn't feel physically attracted to her (I mean, I didn't get the butterflies around her or whatever) and yet I liked to imagine her kissing me... how does that work?! Is that romantic attraction or were my brain hamsters messing with me?

I don't think I'll ever have a significant other, but I'm trying to be more open to the possibility. I'm limited enough without cramming myself into a box that I might not belong in! Remember, a label is only useful if it fits you. Don't try to fit it. And most importantly, don't let others' opinions shape you either. Your orientation (or lack of it) shouldn't be determined by anyone but you. If your friend knows what you identify as (even if you're unsure) she shouldn't try and invalidate you -- maybe you ought to talk to her about that.

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Anime Pancake

Most people can only speak from their own perspectives.

Imagine if most people were aromantic. And then someone says "I have romantic feelings"

Everyone would look at that person, or those few people that say they have "romantic feelings" and say, What? That doesn't make sense, you must be imagining it.

No one knows us better than ourselves.

You know how you feel. You understand how you think, other people don't

Don't let other people make you second-guess yourself.

If you want to try a romantic relationship, that's up to you. But if you are fine without romance, then live how you want :) Just like other people choose to be in romantic relationships, we get to choose what we want as well :)

Be yourself!

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I doubt myself all the time, but I think its very healthy and natural thing to do. people do that even for so many things specially if its something out of the norm because we are afraid of losing so much, like non-supportive friends etc.

I am in this position that I probably never will know for sure 100% about my romantic orientation because there are part of my memories I cant relate to anymore, things from my past that will keep making me wonder if how I felt was romance or sociatys expectation on how I should be feelings.

I also find it difficult to distinguish between squishes and chrushes and sure I cant tell what will happent in the future.

all I know is right now I am just happy to find support from people who knows what it feels like.

I never found so many people who understood how I felt about romance and relationship since I meet aro-people. its not like we are all the same, but there are so many experience I thought I only had because I had allo friends just telling me to "get over myself" and such. so finding the label have helped me to find those people and share those experience and thoughts with.

right now I think thats all that matters, if later on things change then I guess thats how it is, its not the end of the world, I mean I once thought I was straight, but turned out it was just a phrase and no fireballs was shooted to destroy the earth. ^_^

about relationships you can do whatever you want. Some aromantics can deal with romantic relationships where they are honest with there partner that they dont feel the same way as there partner does, others cant because the romance part makes them too repulsive, No matter what you shouldnt go comprimize your own well-being to get what you want. I tried that and it didnt really work out well.

I think queerplatonic and such relationships are hard to find, but having a languarge to express it and knowing what you want help. A few days ago I saw one of my friends on facebook saying he loved his queerplatonic partner it made me so happy to see that it really wasnt that far away from my reality that I thought. I also had talked about the word to some romantic people who just thought "cool" now we have a word for it. So well just keep an open mind for people that this is also a posibility then maybe you will find someone who feel the same.

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Queen Under the Mountain

I doubt myself sometimes but I settled for a statistical solution: I feel like this 99% of the time, therefore this is what I am.

Metaphorically speaking, my hair is brown, but every now and then a blonde strand of hair shows up. Does it mean I'm blonde? Am I less brown haired? No, everybody would laugh of me if I said so, because the fact that a small part isn't like the whole, changes basically nothing.

I'm ace, if five years from now I feel sexually attracted for one person and then stop, I'll still be ace, because it was the exception to the rule, not the rule.

Even if you fall in love with someone, it doesn't mean you aren't aro now (or that you won't be aro in the future, if you only fell in love one time in 50 years of life, you are aro to me), the same way that when my hair turn gray, it won't mean it never was brown.

Our sexualities doesn't have to be exactly the same always to be true, they have to be the general rule of our existence. If they differ once each 10 years, it isn't changing or fluidity, it is only a point outside of the curve, just like when an romantic person spends a year single by choice, the person do not turned aro, the person only have a different behavior of her/his normal behavior that she/he knows that will pass, because it isn't the general rule of how they feel.

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Blue Phoenix Ace

Queen that is a very good description I think. For me I have only had romantic feelings for one person. But when I think about a real long term relationship I get kind of repulsed. I am pretty sure I am still aromantic but it still feels odd to me that I would feel this way one time in my life.

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Queen Under the Mountain

I never felt romantic feelings but I still resist identifying as aro because "maybe I didn't find the right person yet", going totally against my own theory hahahaah

The worse is that I don't even want to meet anyone because I think romantic relationships extremely boring and I don't miss sensual contact (like cuddling and holding hands) at all.

Apparently my emotional side is a bit stubborn when it comes to accept what my logical side is saying.

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