Question for sexual people with partners

[MaryUn]

Okay so maybe it's the wrong place to put this and my topic will be moved, but I need to ask you sexuals who have partners or are engaged in a long term relationship of romantic character something, and I will try to be simple and direct. Please take your time to answer me!

I found out about being an assexual a few months ago and it's really being a nerve-racking experience to come to terms with this. I have a (sexual) boyfriend and we've been together for almost three years now. Now, I know there are loads of posts on sexual attraction already, but I couldn't find anything that suited me, so here we go

I just can't get hold of how it works. I mean, do you guys feel sexual attraction to people outside your relationship? I mean if you are a guy and see some pretty girl with revealing clothes or something, you'll feel attracted to her even though you are in a lovin&functional relationship with another girl? Does it get more intense or does it happen more times if the relationship is going through a not-so-lovin&functional period, so to speak? If you have sex more frequently will that lessen the times it happens?

The thing is, I've seen a lot about how guys can "look at" other girls, it having no impact on their relationships.( Sincerely, I myself have always thought there were something wrong with that statement.). But I cannot deal with that. Thats just something I feel would ruin my relationship forever. Because of my orientation maybe, I cannot disconnect the sexual feeling from a feeling of love, at least not for someone who has been with somebody for as long as 3years. I'm not sex-repulsed, but I think it would be correct to say that I am repulsed by meaningless sex/meaningless sex feelings. That's also the reason why I can't stand the idea of porn.

I'm here because I'm tired of people telling me I'm selfish or to get over myself. I'm just being honest. It's getting on my head so much, sometimes I can't study/work. But I feel I can't ask my boyfriend that because he can lie trying not to hurt me.

We have sex from time to time, and I don't really enjoy it because I have a very low libido + sex hurts me, and it's really frustrarting. But If I knew he liked it, I would be totally okay with this, and I really really like him. But I am the way I am, that being, I have really Strong feelings about things such as these.

[Dawnsboyrich]

Hi, MaryUn.

I'm new to this as well, but a lot of what you had to say relates to my relationship. My wife (asexual) and I have been married 12 years and have three kids. She *discovered?* her asexuality about a year ago.

She also has a big problem with me looking at other women, strip clubs, porn, etc. She stated that clearly right at the beginning of our relationship and it's never been an issue.

I think that if it's a deal breaker for you, and it happens, you'll know what to do. If it's not a deal breaker, let it slide. This is just the way I look at it. My wife told me clearly and up front that it would be a deal breaker.

Given that new information has come to light (ie. her being asexual) we have been talking a lot more about what this means as part of our relationship.

I think the point I am trying to get across here is that in my opinion the most important part of any relationship is communication. There are many components to an intimate relationship, but sex, feelings, ect. all come way behind communication. Maybe the only one that is up there would be trust.So, do you trust him?

This is all in my opinion, and with my limited experience with this particular circumstance.

Welcome to AVEN.

[MaryUn]

Hi, MaryUn.

I'm new to this as well, but a lot of what you had to say relates to my relationship. My wife (asexual) and I have been married 12 years and have three kids. She *discovered?* her asexuality about a year ago.

She also has a big problem with me looking at other women, strip clubs, porn, etc. She stated that clearly right at the beginning of our relationship and it's never been an issue.

I think that if it's a deal breaker for you, and it happens, you'll know what to do. If it's not a deal breaker, let it slide. This is just the way I look at it. My wife told me clearly and up front that it would be a deal breaker.

Given that new information has come to light (ie. her being asexual) we have been talking a lot more about what this means as part of our relationship.

I think the point I am trying to get across here is that in my opinion the most important part of any relationship is communication. There are many components to an intimate relationship, but sex, feelings, ect. all come way behind communication. Maybe the only one that is up there would be trust.So, do you trust him?

This is all in my opinion, and with my limited experience with this particular circumstance.

Welcome to AVEN.

Hello there! Thank you so much for your answer. I know we're in a kind of opposite sides in our situations, but this could be even a good thing so we can understand opposite things better, right? So, yeah, in my case too it would be a (major) deal breaker, no doubt about it, so I can understand your wife there. But that it would be a deal breaker for me is not even a choice, if I had a boyfriend do those things, I feel like I would just naturally drive away, and thats the main point here. I've had situations with him in the past that made hard for me being near him, and that unfortunaly affects trust. I'm currently in position of trying to trust him again, and to be fair I think he deserves it, but right now I'm also dealing with depression and am terribly insecure most of the time, so there's that, and sometimes it's too much.

So what really bugs me are the technical stuff about it. You said it's never been an issue with your wife and thats great. But, more generally, i'd put foward again those questions I brought up in the main post. I get you can choose not to watch porn, go to strip clubs etc, but more essentialy, why would you WANT that if you have your wife/partner? Would you? You cannot choose to notice girls on street, you just do or you don't. So, sexual people in general will always notice them even with a happy love life for themselves? Or just when things are going bad? Does loving your partner does not mean having eyes only for them? Or it's really that sexual feelings are completely disconnected with feelings of love even for people who have been togheter for years on end? I ask that because I know he can choose somethings, but somethings he doesn't. And even those would hurt me badly. And I get it can seem selfish, maybe it even is... But thats how I feel about me and about the sort of relationship I wanna be in, like I said it's not a choice.

I'm sorry if I crossed the line way to much in questioning. I do not mean to offend you or anyone else. And sorry for overthinking.

But would somebody give me a light?

[Lady Girl]

Everyone's different. Some sexual people notice other people and think of them in a sexual way whether things are good or bad with their partner...others don't. I really think it's dependent on the person. I don't know that there's a single answer for the question, there's probably a multitude of possibilities regarding it. And honestly, each person can have several different attitudes or feelings about it over the course of their life.

[Trephena]

I think the point that is perhaps being missed here and without trying to sound patronising is that much of a person's sex drive is driven by hormones. As a hetero woman it took me years to realise this fact! As far as nature is concerned survival of the species is critical and at a basic level this means copulation. So a man being excited by porn is no more than stimulation of primeval brain cells programmed to make him want to have sex. It can have ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with love or already being in a happy relationship (although the same brain cells will be stimulated when in love). The sex drive is intensely strong in some people and apparently the area of the brain that is affected by stimulation is very similar to the same area involved in physical addiction to drugs - medical fact. So please never let your partner's sexual attraction to 'a pretty girl' or soft porn become a 'deal-breaker'. You possibly will find it hard to understand the power of this drive if you are asexual. In fact in many respects you are lucky as it is this drive and 'sexual attraction' that ruins millions of relationships and marriages. Many heterosexuals are simply slaves to their hormones and are almost constantly trying to keep them under control. The only thing I can liken it to for you is that it is somewhere between being tempted by the most delicious dessert and drug addiction -you want to resist and don't want to be controlled by something but that does not stop the saliva glands salivating at the prospect of the pud!! So instead of feeling let down by your boyfriend imagine that dessert or favourite food and how you feel in that situation. Overly simplistic I know especially as the drive is probably so strong in some people that they need a thousand times the willpower to resist than you do to forgego the sweet but I hope this helps put your problem now in a better context :-)

[Tarfeather]

I found out about being an assexual a few months ago

Because of my orientation maybe, I cannot disconnect the sexual feeling from a feeling of love

Because you're asexual, you can not disconnect sex from love? Er.. uh.. what?

[Autumn Season]

As an asexual I am rather unqualified to post here. But I want to try sharing my understanding of sexual emotions. Feel free to correct me.

Generally speaking when somebody is in love, they want to be with their SO. They might feel turned on by other people occasionally, but they don't want to be with the other people. As Trephena mentioned before, noticing an attractive person is like smelling delicious food. You might not want to eat it, but the saliva will be produced anyway. That's just how the human body works: In preparation for eating/ having sex the body reacts. And it doesn't matter whether it's realistic that sex will happen or is a desirable thing to happen. I'll try to make another example - TMI might be ahead: When somebody touches another person sexually, they are likely to get wet/ get a hard-on. That does not necessarily mean that this person wants to sleep with the other. It's just the way the human body reacts so that it is ready "just in case". A rather extreme example: When a pervert gropes a passenger on a train, the passenger might feel arousal, but mentally speaking they will most porbably feel sick and want to flee the sexual situation. So it is important to distinguish between what the heart and brain want and what the nether regions are preparing for.

There might also be times when somebody meets an attractive person and thinks or feels on a subconscious level that "If I wasn't in a relationship now, I would be happy to be with this person". Then they walk away and completely forget about the encounter. Everyone meets attractive people all the time. That doesn't mean that they want to act on these emotions. It's just part of everyday life. Think of a baker: They are surrounded by delicious bakeries all the time. In fact they like eating those a lot. But that doesn't mean that they will be stuffing their mouths with cake, as long as they can see or smell it. It only means that they might have one or two "Oh, this cake looks/ smells delicious"-moments and then they move on with their lives. Sexual situations are just one of many kinds of situations which happen in our everyday lives. They don't, or at least they shouldn't control our lives.

[Telecaster68]

Autumn's right in every point.

There's a saying: 'why have fast food when you've got a steak waiting at home?' which pretty much nails how sexuals in relationships function. You notice the burger, understand it might have its attractions, even think about how good it might be to eat, but have no particular desire to actually eat it since you have far better food at home. Then again, if your cupboard was bare, or your venue was broken, you'd have more interest in the burger.

Also - broadly speaking, the further you get from the 'jock' demographic, the less interested guys are in strip clubs, in my experience. I saw a stripper once out of curiosity at a working man's club, when I was a student, and it did nothing for me at all. Some porn does it for me, most doesn't. Sexuals are just as heterogenous as asexuals.

EDIT:'oven', not venue. Autocorrect got over enthusiastic.

[MaryUn]

I think the point that is perhaps being missed here and without trying to sound patronising is that much of a person's sex drive is driven by hormones. As a hetero woman it took me years to realise this fact! As far as nature is concerned survival of the species is critical and at a basic level this means copulation. So a man being excited by porn is no more than stimulation of primeval brain cells programmed to make him want to have sex. It can have ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with love or already being in a happy relationship (although the same brain cells will be stimulated when in love). The sex drive is intensely strong in some people and apparently the area of the brain that is affected by stimulation is very similar to the same area involved in physical addiction to drugs - medical fact. So please never let your partner's sexual attraction to 'a pretty girl' or soft porn become a 'deal-breaker'. You possibly will find it hard to understand the power of this drive if you are asexual. In fact in many respects you are lucky as it is this drive and 'sexual attraction' that ruins millions of relationships and marriages.

But thats about sex drive which is a different thing, and in fact many asexuals have that. And what you are saying, that porn stimulates the same area of the brain as drugs do and generates addiction, I'm sorry, you're just making it sound more of a deal breaker than it already is. Thats just one more reason not to make any use of it, and despite the hormonal thing, that IS still a choice. We cannot be slaves of our hormones. About that last part... Woah, thanks so much, it helps with my insecurities big time!! This is a kind of terrible world you are painting there, and I'd like to believe its not so much like that.

I found out about being an assexual a few months ago

Because of my orientation maybe, I cannot disconnect the sexual feeling from a feeling of love

Because you're asexual, you can not disconnect sex from love? Er.. uh.. what?

Okay, so I did not go into this subject so much because I felt it didn't matter for my post, but I see you're confused so I'll explain. So many asexuals don't know they are in fact asexuals for a long time and that happened to me. So in all my life I always thought that sexual desire for someone was something that you got when you fell in love with said person. And that I had never felt it because I was not in love yet. I spent years believing that, and in fact that was the only way I could see sex making sense. Othewise it was just.. Not right. It was a romantic point of view, but for me it was right. I know, 99% of people experience sexual attraction and I thought it was a completely different thing than it actually is. :p and thats because I was an asexual all along. It grew on me. Even today, I can't think of it any differently, and am repulsed to sex disconnected from love and caring. So there you go!

Autumn and Telecaster68,

Man, I try so much to take the food analogies, two of my rl friends took that approach too, I swear I try. It just... Nah. I can't thing of people as something like food. I appreciate and it actually made me understand a little bit more some things, but nah. For exemple, Autumn said people can go thinking "If I wasn't in a relationship now, I would be happy to be with this person". And I my thought was like "oh my God, thats terrible! Do people actually think that??". I don't know. I feel like I'm just not made for stuff like that.

[ropesend]

For me, as a sexual woman coming to grips that my husband is asexual but very romantic, all I can say is that initially, my sexual desires were all directed at him. He was my ultimate sexual partner and every conscious desire I had was focused on him. it was really hard because it was like sleeping next to and being next to this gorgeous thing that just rebuffed me.

However, my sexual desires have always been constant. They don't go away just because they are not reciprocated. It's like a physical need - just like hunger. And after years of having that physical need directed at my husband, I started thinking or dreaming of other men.

I first noticed it in my unconscious dreams. I would be having dreams where I was having sex with other men. Sometimes men I knew and someones imaginary ones. We would be doing all the things I wanted to do with my husband. Sometimes in my dreams my husband would morph into the other guy and vice-versa. I would wake up and feel guilty.

Then, after years of this, I started not feeling so guilty and actually fantasizing about other men consciously. Sometimes they were men I knew and sometimes they were movie stars and the like.

Now, after years of tension and fights about the lack of sex, I feel like I might actually cheat or give up and get divorced. There is nobody specific right now that I am interested in, but if someone came along who was a great person AND wanted to have a life with me that included regular sex, I would most likely leave my marriage. However, I would feel guilty, because I do love my husband and I know he loves me. But when we were dating he acted like he liked sex. He never told me he was asexual.

[Guest]

For exemple, Autumn said people can go thinking "If I wasn't in a relationship now, I would be happy to be with this person". And I my thought was like "oh my God, thats terrible! Do people actually think that??". I don't know. I feel like I'm just not made for stuff like that.

I don't understand why this is bad. At all. Also, your issue with wanting people to not think about, look at, or feel feelings for others doesn't seem like it has anything to do with asexuality... that's a personality thing, methinks. In any case, yes, people will say "hmm if I wasn't with my partner I bet we'd be real good together", and that's a totally fine thing to think. Basically all that says to me is that the person 1) has a functioning brain, and 2) the ability to connect with other humans. Neither of those traits are negative.

Now, after years of tension and fights about the lack of sex, I feel like I might actually cheat or give up and get divorced. There is nobody specific right now that I am interested in, but if someone came along who was a great person AND wanted to have a life with me that included regular sex, I would most likely leave my marriage. However, I would feel guilty, because I do love my husband and I know he loves me. But when we were dating he acted like he liked sex. He never told me he was asexual.

Same.

[MaryUn]

For me, as a sexual woman coming to grips that my husband is asexual but very romantic, all I can say is that initially, my sexual desires were all directed at him. He was my ultimate sexual partner and every conscious desire I had was focused on him. it was really hard because it was like sleeping next to and being next to this gorgeous thing that just rebuffed me.

However, my sexual desires have always been constant. They don't go away just because they are not reciprocated. It's like a physical need - just like hunger. And after years of having that physical need directed at my husband, I started thinking or dreaming of other men.

I first noticed it in my unconscious dreams. I would be having dreams where I was having sex with other men. Sometimes men I knew and someones imaginary ones. We would be doing all the things I wanted to do with my husband. Sometimes in my dreams my husband would morph into the other guy and vice-versa. I would wake up and feel guilty.

Then, after years of this, I started not feeling so guilty and actually fantasizing about other men consciously. Sometimes they were men I knew and sometimes they were movie stars and the like.

Now, after years of tension and fights about the lack of sex, I feel like I might actually cheat or give up and get divorced. There is nobody specific right now that I am interested in, but if someone came along who was a great person AND wanted to have a life with me that included regular sex, I would most likely leave my marriage. However, I would feel guilty, because I do love my husband and I know he loves me. But when we were dating he acted like he liked sex. He never told me he was asexual.

Ropesend,

Gosh, it must be really hard on you :/ for what I get this is a very long relationship, and I understand that you two never have sex anymore? One thing I understand is that it gets hard on people who have high libido (or "normal" even) to know how to or where to direct this feelings when their partner won't have sex with them (thats why I specifically asked if those sexual thoughts about other people would lessen if the person had sex more frequently with someone they're happy to be with), and I'm guessing that's your case. Have you tried to get him to have sex with you ocasionally, or is he really averse to it now? and have you told him all this? Maybe he would know how important ot is for you. If you forgive me for saying this and I don't mean to meddle, but maybe put things on perspective - maybe the good and more important things that come with a relationship that has lasted this long can overcome this situation. If not, please don't cheat on him, but end things before you act on your thoughts. I'm just saying this because I can feel in my skin the pain he would feel for having you cheating on him for something that it just part of him, and he can't help it.

[Telecaster68]

""If I wasn't in a relationship now, I would be happy to be with this person". And I my thought was like "oh my God, thats terrible! Do people actually think that??"."

I'm not sure it's realistic to demand your partner never even notices whether they like or dislike every one else in the world.

[Guest]

Ropesend,

Gosh, it must be really hard on you :/ for what I get this is a very long relationship, and I understand that you two never have sex anymore? One thing I understand is that it gets hard on people who have high libido (or "normal" even) to know how to or where to direct this feelings when their partner won't have sex with them (thats why I specifically asked if those sexual thoughts about other people would lessen if the person had sex more frequently with someone they're happy to be with), and I'm guessing that's your case. Have you tried to get him to have sex with you ocasionally, or is he really averse to it now? and have you told him all this? Maybe he would know how important ot is for you. If you forgive me for saying this and I don't mean to meddle, but maybe put things on perspective - maybe the good and more important things that come with a relationship that has lasted this long can overcome this situation. If not, please don't cheat on him, but end things before you act on your thoughts. I'm just saying this because I can feel in my skin the pain he would feel for having you cheating on him for something that it just part of him, and he can't help it.

I don't know about Rope, but I have no interest in pity sex. If someone doesn't want to touch me, I surely do not want them to do it just so I don't leave them. That's gross.

Ending a long relationship where one party is perfectly happy... that's going to be hell regardless of whether cheating did or did not happen. The cheating may make it easier... drive home the point that no matter how many times you do the dishes, I'm still feeling like an outsider to this relationship.

[Telecaster68]

"maybe put things on perspective - maybe the good and more important things that come with a relationship that has lasted this long can overcome this situation"

That's pretty much a perspective only available to an asexual. By and large, there aren't things more important than sex in a relationship. As important, yes, but not more important. Or put it another way - those other things won't overcome the absence of sex. They might just mitigate the pain enough to make the situation bearable, I suppose. But the absence will always be there, as it were.

[MaryUn]

For exemple, Autumn said people can go thinking "If I wasn't in a relationship now, I would be happy to be with this person". And I my thought was like "oh my God, thats terrible! Do people actually think that??". I don't know. I feel like I'm just not made for stuff like that.

I don't understand why this is bad. At all. Also, your issue with wanting people to not think about, look at, or feel feelings for others doesn't seem like it has anything to do with asexuality... that's a personality thing, methinks. In any case, yes, people will say "hmm if I wasn't with my partner I bet we'd be real good together", and that's a totally fine thing to think. Basically all that says to me is that the person 1) has a functioning brain, and 2) the ability to connect with other humans. Neither of those traits are negative.

Hmm nope, thats is NOT a totally fine thing?? I can understand it very well in the case where said person is having problems inside their relationship (as ropesend above), whether they are thinking about breaking up or maybe just going through a bad momment. But see, in that case it would just be a sign things are going bad. When a person really like their partner and is very happy with them, I can't see why thinking this would be a "totally fine thing". They are in a relationship that makes them really satisfied and with someone they wouldn't trade for anything! No point in wondering about other relationships. Specially not wondering about other relationships based on the shape of someone's body.

Plus, for what I get you must think don't have a functioning brain or the ability to connect with people? As it happens there are lots of ways of connecting to people that are not romantically/sexually in the least, and those are strong and very valid too. And my brain functions very well, thank you very much. :)

One thing you said is true, that maybe it's my personality. But my sexuality plays a role too

[Guest]

No, sexuality really doesn't play a role in it. Lots of asexuals understand that people have the ability to recognize other humans, despite being in a relationship. It most certainly does not indicate things are bad, not even a little. I'm sorry you don't understand the mindset of most people, but you're absolutely and completely wrong here in your judgments.

[Guest]

Plus, for what I get you must think don't have a functioning brain or the ability to connect with people? As it happens there are lots of ways of connecting to people that are not romantically/sexually in the least, and those are strong and very valid too. And my brain functions very well, thank you very much. :)

That's great. Never said it didn't.

[MaryUn]

Ropesend,Gosh, it must be really hard on you :/ for what I get this is a very long relationship, and I understand that you two never have sex anymore? One thing I understand is that it gets hard on people who have high libido (or "normal" even) to know how to or where to direct this feelings when their partner won't have sex with them (thats why I specifically asked if those sexual thoughts about other people would lessen if the person had sex more frequently with someone they're happy to be with), and I'm guessing that's your case. Have you tried to get him to have sex with you ocasionally, or is he really averse to it now? and have you told him all this? Maybe he would know how important ot is for you. If you forgive me for saying this and I don't mean to meddle, but maybe put things on perspective - maybe the good and more important things that come with a relationship that has lasted this long can overcome this situation. If not, please don't cheat on him, but end things before you act on your thoughts. I'm just saying this because I can feel in my skin the pain he would feel for having you cheating on him for something that it just part of him, and he can't help it.

I don't know about Rope, but I have no interest in pity sex. If someone doesn't want to touch me, I surely do not want them to do it just so I don't leave them. That's gross.

Ending a long relationship where one party is perfectly happy... that's going to be hell regardless of whether cheating did or did not happen. The cheating may make it easier... drive home the point that no matter how many times you do the dishes, I'm still feeling like an outsider to this relationship.

It is not pity sex, Skullery. It's wanting-to-make-my-wife-happy-with-something-i-can-do sex. It's wanting her not to suffer all this sex.

And why you are calling this gross and at the same time sugesting that someone cheats on their husband?? Cheating is never the best thing to do, but the worst.

""If I wasn't in a relationship now, I would be happy to be with this person". And I my thought was like "oh my God, thats terrible! Do people actually think that??"."

I'm not sure it's realistic to demand your partner never even notices whether they like or dislike every one else in the world.

Its not not noticing nobody else in the world. I can find a person good looking and even tell him that, and I do, and he can do it to. There's really nothing wrong with this. But there is an abyss between that and thinking we would wanna be in a relationship with them. In that case it would be too something based only on looks, and what a bad relationship would that be lol

When you say sex is the most important things in relationships, maybe you think so, but don't let you think that all sexuals are like that. I know some that say otherwise. Remember there are variations even inside the sexualities. And in my opinion, this belief is why some relationships fall apart - sex is not a floor to build a great thing upon.

[MaryUn]

Plus, for what I get you must think don't have a functioning brain or the ability to connect with people? As it happens there are lots of ways of connecting to people that are not romantically/sexually in the least, and those are strong and very valid too. And my brain functions very well, thank you very much. :)

That's great. Never said it didn't.

Good then :)

[D-Ace]

I just can't get hold of how it works. I mean, do you guys feel sexual attraction to people outside your relationship? I mean if you are a guy and see some pretty girl with revealing clothes or something, you'll feel attracted to her even though you are in a lovin&functional relationship with another girl? Does it get more intense or does it happen more times if the relationship is going through a not-so-lovin&functional period, so to speak? If you have sex more frequently will that lessen the times it happens?

The thing is, I've seen a lot about how guys can "look at" other girls, it having no impact on their relationships.( Sincerely, I myself have always thought there were something wrong with that statement.). But I cannot deal with that. Thats just something I feel would ruin my relationship forever. Because of my orientation maybe, I cannot disconnect the sexual feeling from a feeling of love, at least not for someone who has been with somebody for as long as 3years. I'm not sex-repulsed, but I think it would be correct to say that I am repulsed by meaningless sex/meaningless sex feelings. That's also the reason why I can't stand the idea of porn.

I'm here because I'm tired of people telling me I'm selfish or to get over myself. I'm just being honest. It's getting on my head so much, sometimes I can't study/work. But I feel I can't ask my boyfriend that because he can lie trying not to hurt me.

We have sex from time to time, and I don't really enjoy it because I have a very low libido + sex hurts me, and it's really frustrarting. But If I knew he liked it, I would be totally okay with this, and I really really like him. .

For the first part.. No having sex with him more will not make him look at others any less. It's not like an oh, he's had his fill for the day so that means his sexual radar will turn off. Especially if it's not a mutual sensual act and he knows you are basically just doing it to placate him. He may be the type of person who is okay with meaningless sex, even though you aren't, and both ways are OK.. Just different. That doesn't mean that he is going to cheat on you.

And so far as the "it hurts you and you don't enjoy it but if you knew he liked it you would be okay with it" bit, it basically sounds like you are willing to allow him to rape you on occasion as long as it will keep him around and not interested in others. Not sure if this stems from jealousy or a fear of losing him or radical monogamous ideas, but if you are willing to let him physically hurt you, maybe you should try and bend more on the mental-emotional aspects of compromise rather than the physical if you are serious about trying to stay in this relationship no matter what. IMO, it doesn't sound like you are super compatible in the sexual department but there are ways around this through COMMUNICATION. Saying "if I knew he liked it" makes it sound as though you have never really talked about how the sex between you makes each of you feel. I was in a relationship where I never said anything about it being painful and something I didn't like until a year later once we were having problems and he still wanted to have sex and I was like no way.. And to tell you the truth I've never been into it.. And the guy I was with got upset and disgusted with himself because it made him feel like a rapist and that I had been lying to him the whole time (which in a way I kinda was because I just went along with things without telling him how I really felt) I hope this post did not come across as judgemental, I just think that the only way you are going to find the answers you need are to be honest with yourself, ask him the tough questions, be willing to tell him the truth about how all of these things make you feel, and know when it is time to move on even though it has been a few years that you have been together. The more time you spend wondering and suffering in silence, the more time you will waste being in an unhappy relationship. Good luck!

[Telecaster68]

"Its not not noticing nobody else in the world. I can find a person good looking and even tell him that, and I do, and he can do it to. There's really nothing wrong with this. But there is an abyss between that and thinking we would wanna be in a relationship with them. In that case it would be too something based only on looks, and what a bad relationship would that be lol"

What we're talking about is noticing someone's attractive enough (whether in style, aesthetically, energy, wit, or whatever) that the sexual person thinks in passing 'maybe, in different circumstances...' as they go about their day. I don't understand why this is a dealbreaker.

"When you say sex is the most important things in relationships,"

I made an explicit point of saying it wasn't the most important thing.

"maybe you think so, but don't let you think that all sexuals are like that"

I said it's as important as anything else, and other things wouldn't replace its absence. I would put money on the overwhelming majority of sexuals agreeing with me.

"Remember there are variations even inside the sexualities."

By definition, the variance inside the group called 'sexuals' doesn't include people who don't think sex is part of a relationship.

"And in my opinion, this belief is why some relationships fall apart"

I think more fall apart for lack of sex.

"sex is not a floor to build a great thing upon"

I agree, it doesn't make a great floor. It's more of a load bearing wall. Take it away and the whole construction may well fall.

[MaryUn]

I just can't get hold of how it works. I mean, do you guys feel sexual attraction to people outside your relationship? I mean if you are a guy and see some pretty girl with revealing clothes or something, you'll feel attracted to her even though you are in a lovin&functional relationship with another girl? Does it get more intense or does it happen more times if the relationship is going through a not-so-lovin&functional period, so to speak? If you have sex more frequently will that lessen the times it happens?

The thing is, I've seen a lot about how guys can "look at" other girls, it having no impact on their relationships.( Sincerely, I myself have always thought there were something wrong with that statement.). But I cannot deal with that. Thats just something I feel would ruin my relationship forever. Because of my orientation maybe, I cannot disconnect the sexual feeling from a feeling of love, at least not for someone who has been with somebody for as long as 3years. I'm not sex-repulsed, but I think it would be correct to say that I am repulsed by meaningless sex/meaningless sex feelings. That's also the reason why I can't stand the idea of porn.

I'm here because I'm tired of people telling me I'm selfish or to get over myself. I'm just being honest. It's getting on my head so much, sometimes I can't study/work. But I feel I can't ask my boyfriend that because he can lie trying not to hurt me.

We have sex from time to time, and I don't really enjoy it because I have a very low libido + sex hurts me, and it's really frustrarting. But If I knew he liked it, I would be totally okay with this, and I really really like him. .

For the first part.. No having sex with him more will not make him look at others any less. It's not like an oh, he's had his fill for the day so that means his sexual radar will turn off. Especially if it's not a mutual sensual act and he knows you are basically just doing it to placate him. He may be the type of person who is okay with meaningless sex, even though you aren't, and both ways are OK.. Just different. That doesn't mean that he is going to cheat on you.

And so far as the "it hurts you and you don't enjoy it but if you knew he liked it you would be okay with it" bit, it basically sounds like you are willing to allow him to rape you on occasion as long as it will keep him around and not interested in others. Not sure if this stems from jealousy or a fear of losing him or radical monogamous ideas, but if you are willing to let him physically hurt you, maybe you should try and bend more on the mental-emotional aspects of compromise rather than the physical if you are serious about trying to stay in this relationship no matter what. IMO, it doesn't sound like you are super compatible in the sexual department but there are ways around this through COMMUNICATION. Saying "if I knew he liked it" makes it sound as though you have never really talked about how the sex between you makes each of you feel. I was in a relationship where I never said anything about it being painful and something I didn't like until a year later once we were having problems and he still wanted to have sex and I was like no way.. And to tell you the truth I've never been into it.. And the guy I was with got upset and disgusted with himself because it made him feel like a rapist and that I had been lying to him the whole time (which in a way I kinda was because I just went along with things without telling him how I really felt) I hope this post did not come across as judgemental, I just think that the only way you are going to find the answers you need are to be honest with yourself, ask him the tough questions, be willing to tell him the truth about how all of these things make you feel, and know when it is time to move on even though it has been a few years that you have been together. The more time you spend wondering and suffering in silence, the more time you will waste being in an unhappy relationship. Good luck!

Hey! The only reason I asked that is to understand it, really. As I said to ropesend, it was just because I know some people find it hard to direct their libido if their partners shut them off. And I did. I shut my boyfriend off for months,and every approach barely sexual was terrible for me, and it was for psicological reasons apart from my asexuality. In fact I'd say I'm more of a demisexual, but am facing psicological situations that changed that and now I feel changing back. During that time I know it was hard on him not knowing if he could approach me or not, and he was seeing that most times it made me feel bad. And then he felt bad, and didn't know what to do with those feelings. Hopefully i'm getting better. So God no, it is NOT like I'm "letting him rape me" so he'll stay with me. I'd never have sex I don't want, and thats why we went through the period I mentioned. We're talking about two people that have no interest in meaningless, casual sex at all, it's not just me. And about a loving boyfriend thats helping me with what he can, not someone that I feel I need to have sex with to keep around. I'm talking about a sexual person who actually told me he could give up sex if I needed. But I don't, and I want it in my relationship, I'm just confused about technical stuff because I'm terrible and a hell of an overthinker. About sex hurting me, its an anatomical thing and I have doctors helping me with it, and my boyfriend is really particular in trying not to hurt me too. So I see where you came from, hopefully now you understand it better... It was a long post :)

You were right though, I think I must just say everything thats on my mind to him and see how he answers me. I didn't want at first but.. It's really not like he doesn't know that I think about things a lot so.. Plus everyone is different, maybe he feels differently from everyone here.

[MaryUn]

"When you say sex is the most important things in relationships,"

I made an explicit point of saying it wasn't the most important thing.

"maybe you think so, but don't let you think that all sexuals are like that"

I said it's as important as anything else, and other things wouldn't replace its absence. I would put money on the overwhelming majority of sexuals agreeing with me.

"Remember there are variations even inside the sexualities."

By definition, the variance inside the group called 'sexuals' doesn't include people who don't think sex is part of a relationship.

"And in my opinion, this belief is why some relationships fall apart"

I think more fall apart for lack of sex.

"sex is not a floor to build a great thing upon"

I agree, it doesn't make a great floor. It's more of a load bearing wall. Take it away and the whole construction may well fall.

Well, I do think sex is a part of a relationship! I don't need to be sexual for that. And the definition of sexual is feeling sexual attraction, not thinking there can be no future to a relationship without sex. Of course its a part, it can be a good part, it just doesn't define a relationship, be you sexual or asexual, thats what I'm trying to say. If you are in a relationship between two sexual people the lack of sex would indicate a big problem. And they fall apart because of that problem maybe. Not because the lack of sex intrinsecaly? But if a sexual person would compromise in being in a relationship without sex, I think that person could and that relationship could be very good. There are good relationships without sex involved! IThere just no reason if both are sexual. But really, there's no point here in keeping this... We're just two people who feel very differently about that and lets leave it like that :)

[Telecaster68]

Fair enough. I think the chances of a sexless relationship being 'very good' for a sexual person long term are hard for an asexual to get a handle on.

[Guest]

I don't think it takes much looking around this forum to learn just how miserable *most* sexuals are when stuck in sexless relationships. It's one of those things we discuss as being a neverending internal battle. Most of us have realized that we can't ask our partners to have sex with us because they don't prefer it, so the asexual party goes on with their ideal relationship and we sit and try our hardest not to let the depression, isolation, and self loathing set in, not to mention trying to avoid getting that feeling of being wanted elsewhere. I honestly can't think of a sexless relationship where at least one person wasn't fairly unhappy.

[MaryUn]

Its going way far the point of my post, I never wanted to argue on sexless relationships and the like. I suggested something to ropesend and I still do, in fact I said if she couldn't keep with her relationship, it's okay, I won't be trying to convince her to. Just asked her not to cheat. We asexuals have our problems with depression and feeling of isolation just as well. We should be trying to understand and help each other, and only that.

I think the reason why most sexual people here tells such bad tales is just because that those who have no problems are not here knowing how to solve them, but living their lifes. And again, there are relatively very few asexuals, and then people in this situation would be even fewer by logic. But as Telecaster said, its only fair enough that we just agree that there are people that think and feel differently. And thats it. :)

[Lady Girl]

I honestly can't think of a sexless relationship where at least one person wasn't fairly unhappy.

You forgot about weird me. :P

[Guest]

That's true, that's true. Though it took a long time to get to happy. But yes... I did, earlier, specify "most" sexuals just for you though! :D

[Guest]

Its going way far the point of my post, I never wanted to argue on sexless relationships and the like. I suggested something to ropesend and I still do, in fact I said if she couldn't keep with her relationship, it's okay, I won't be trying to convince her to. Just asked her not to cheat. We asexuals have our problems with depression and feeling of isolation just as well. We should be trying to understand and help each other, and only that.

Oh trust me I know the hard feelings go both ways. We all love our partners very much so it's hard to be completely honest about how we feel... I think it's hard to be honest with ourselves about how we feel, even. I have no problem with people choosing to stay in sexless relationships... my problem is when asexuals are all like "if you loved them you wouldn't need sex" because tbh, it's kind of the opposite of that. I respond with equal irritation to the sexuals who are all "if you loved me you'd just have sex to please me". Love, although wonderful, doesn't change orientations, unfortunately. Tis what tis.

As far as people happily having no sex... I'm sure there are some because there are some of everyone. It's a fool's errand for an asexual to close their eyes and hope they end up with someone who won't mind, though. And off-AVEN, if you look around the interwebs, you'll find a lot of groups for people who aren't getting laid. Just because asexuality isn't involved doesn't make those relationships irrelevant.