Is there a need to "come out"?

[Yoshpot]

I just wanted to gather opinions on this topic :). I've never really understood why anyone anything but sexual and straight is expected to announce their orientation to people. I don't really feel compelled to tell my family and friends necessarily that I identify as asexual. But do they expect to be told if I'm not straight and sexual?

I don't mean that I want to keep it a secret, I just don't feel the need to broadcast it.

I suppose my question is, did/do you feel the need to "come out"? Do you think it's a necessary thing or a personal choice?

[Tyto_alba]

I think it's a personal decision. I generally only come out to people I might end up dating. I'm totally open about it with people online, but most of my in-person friends don't know. I'd like to come out eventually, but I'm not currently in a good situation to do that. I'd probably come out as queer, if friends want a more specific label, they can ask. The details of my orientation are something I don't think all of my friends and acquaintances need to know.

[Jea]

I think it's a personal choice everyone/most people ends up making because of all the questions. People wonder why you aren't with someone, if you don't feel lonely. They ask if you're gay. They think you're a prude and consider sex disgusting for moral reasons. That's a lot of things that made me wish that everyone knew without my having to say it.

But if you don't mind these questions or the assumptions people make about you, then it's totally cool and no, it's not a necessity to come out :)

[Xavy]

It's a personal choice. It's great for the community from an awareness perspective if you choose to come out. However if you choose not to no one should be upset with you for that.

I have had good, bad and indifferent reactions to coming out even though I have chosen carefully how and to whom I come out. The last reaction I got was ridicule followed by being outed to people I don't even know.

[Yoshpot]

I just don't feel the need to. I don't see why it's anyone's business. Plus the area I live in is a wildfire for gossip, and I just don't fancy everyone feeling they have a right to know which gender I may or may not be attracted to!

It's the assumptions that do bother me a bit though. I have nothing at all against anyone who is bi, gay, lesbian etc.. But I hate the fact that people assume I am because I don't show interest in men. And the fact that people I barely know feel the need to comment on that.. It irritates me.

[TaeMint]

It's a personal decision in my opinion.

I don't see why it's anyone's business to know what I do or don't do behind closed doors. I'm still not sure as well, so I just don't really say anything.

[lesserwing]

I think it is very personal, and but it always seems like such a neutral thing mb because it's not as know or culturally embraced and other orientations. Support from friends and family is really important tho, so I've been trying to find a way to come out to a friend/housemate whose real cool and fluid, and then family to stop the 'I'm going to have a wife and kids trajectory pipe dream' my mother has. If I wasn't so socially anxious and awkward....

[Qloshae]

I do it because it frustrates me how people assume everything positive I say about them means I want to have sex with them.

[Guest]

A need? Of course not. It's up to you who you come out to, if anyone at all.

However, if we're talking partnerships, then yes, it may be "necessary" at some point to at least explain that you're not into sex. Unless you're one of those aces who are fine with having it, of course, in which case refer to the first line of this post :P

[somethingrandom]

I've told one friend because she was the one who suggested it as she knows someone who is demisexual - I would never have thought about it if she hadn't suggested and found out about asexuality from her friend so I guess it's really good in raising awareness about asexuality.

I don't feel comfortable to say anything to my family yet but I guess I will have to otherwise they will wonder why I'm not in a relationship like both my siblings.

Also, 'coming out' about asexuality may be necessary because people just assume you're gay and I don't want people assuming just because I'm not in a relationship with a guy it automatically means I'm gay. Its good for raising the profile of asexuality - there are other sexualities society!

[CheekyStoat]

Personally I don't see a need at all unless you're entering into a relationship.

[AceWolf]

It's personal, its nobodys elses business. Its up to the person if they want to tell anyone.

Personally I haven't come out to anyone because I don't want to deal with the rubbish that will come with it.

[Yoshpot]

Thanks for all the opinions :)

I just never know what to say when someone says "any guys you're interested in?" Etc (which happens a lot as people are curious). Sometimes I want to say "no I'm asexual" but I just can't be bothered to deal with the fall out. Even if it may make my life a tiny bit easier in the long run.. But again.. Surely it's just not their business? To go back to what I said in my original post.. I just don't see why I need to come out, straight/sexual people don't have to! I feel like there's a lot of pressure on me to either get together with someone I eye up on a night out, or come out as gay. Neither of which I want to do or relate to me! But I don't really know how to navigate this pressure on me to "conform" anymore.

Sorry that turned into a mini rant :p

[chrisviper]

I have been asked many times why i can't keep a girlfriend. Everyone saying how great i am, and how great we seemed together, and my reasons for breaking up "just board" didn't fly.

But i have hinted at being asexual to a friend once, was awkward to just explain myself to them. And i really don't even know if i am really asexual or just no sexdrive. So that prob didn't help the little chat we had.

If someone where to honestly ask if i was gay, i would clearly say no... if they push why no girlfriend, i tell them to beat it :D

[Goldman]

I felt the need to tell my mum as it was the only way to stop the "one day you'll bring home a girl, or boy" nonsense she goes on about. thank god ive got a straight sister for her to fuss over

[Katalyst13]

My mom would always ask if I was dating certain people. So I kinda felt the need to come out to her last time she asked. But otherwise, unless it had come up in conversation, I probably wouldn't have.

[Seraphim86]

At this point in my life I don't feel the need to come out, my mum and sister would be okay with it, but the conversation would just be awkward, and my family isn't really the talking kind anyway. My dad probably wouldn't understand, he's only just wrapped his head around the idea that being single doesn't make me gay, so I don't want to shatter his illusions just yet. I will admit that in some situations I wish I could wear a sign around my neck so that people would leave me alone and complete strangers would stop making assumptions, but I don't think it would really change anything. So for now my stance is that straight sexuals don't have to come out, so I am not obliged to either.

[sestina]

Let's unpack what "coming out" really means. In our society, the default assumption is that everyone is cisgender, heterosexual. When you stay in the closet, you are letting people think that about you. Coming out of the closet means correcting people in these assumptions.

While no one *needs* to come out, it can be difficult to live with these assumptions. Have you ever been mistaken for the wrong gender? It feels weird and awkward. Nowadays we even pay special attention to people's preferred pronouns.

Well it feels weird to me when people assume I am gay, straight or bi. Ace is the only thing that makes sense. Now the problem is that coming out has it's own set of problems... I currently don't feel safe enough to come out (i.e. correct people's assumptions), so it is easier for me to let people assume what they want about me. There is nothing wrong with this -- we each have to do what is best for our own situation.

I guess what bugs me is when people say that aces don't "need" to come out, when what they really mean is that asexuality is not accepted enough yet for coming out to be a viable option. For me, right now, the best option is to stay in the closet. But that doesn't mean I'm happy about it.

[Tarfeather]

I guess what bugs me is when people say that aces don't "need" to come out, when what they really mean is that asexuality is not accepted enough yet for coming out to be a viable option.

Most people don't tend to talk about their sex life too much, so for a heteromantic asexual there's genuinely not much need to come out to anyone other than their partner and possibly friends who they talk to about their sex life.

[Guest]

I do not need to come out but i do feel its necessary for my partner alone to know about my sexuality because we are sharing a life together

I view my sexuality as something private and i dont want the whole world to know what i do in my private life unless its to raise awareness.

Its your decision if you wish to come out and to who you want to come out to.

[Queen_Bea]

For me, I've come out as gay to my friends in person, but not as asexual yet. I have embraced my asexuality online, so they might know from my social media posts and how I am in person. I would say it's totally a personal choice. I do plan on coming out in person whenever I start to feel that assumptions that I am allosexual annoy me enough, and I certainly will have to come out in person in college. But, my friends know me enough not to expect me to point out sexually attractive people, or to show interest in having sex with someone.

[Will-GrahamCracker]

It's definitely a personal choice. I personally came out... Well, I sort of did. It wasn't like I went around to everyone and made a point to tell them, it was just something that came up, with how much sexual people tend to talk about sex. My mum, my brother, a couple cousins, a few friends... That's about the extent of the people that know.

[deltaX]

As others have said coming out is a personal decision; you should only come out if you want to. For me, I never felt the need to tell my family and most of my friends that I identify as asexual. I've only "come out" to a few close friends.

If someone who isn't straight wants to come out to their family that is fine, but you shouldn't feel obligated to. I think part of the reason for this expectation is because society tends to assume people are straight until.unless they come out, and if you're going to be dating someone of the same gender, it might be good to give your family a heads up. Being asexual doesn't really change your outward behavior though, so for me personally it's kind of unnecessary.

[TheGrayCat]

I told my mom, but I think everybody can tell by meeting me that I'm not big on relationships.

[Guest]

It's not essential at all...it's totally up to the individual.

I haven't and I feel fine. Other people have and they felt like a weight came off their shoulders. Just go with whatever suits you.

[theacelizard]

It can feel good to come out to people but you dont have to. One of the disadvantages of coming out is that you're probably going to get a lot of questions so whatever is comfortable for you.

[Yoshpot]

Thanks for all the opinions! It's really nice reading different viewpoints. :). I have to say I'm a very private person so I can't imagine myself telling people formally at this stage - maybe one day!

So for now my stance is that straight sexuals don't have to come out, so I am not obliged to either.

Agreed! I don't see why I should need to explain why I don't conform to their expectations. I feel my sexuality is my business and while I understand they're curious, its simply not their place.

I guess what bugs me is when people say that aces don't "need" to come out, when what they really mean is that asexuality is not accepted enough yet for coming out to be a viable option.

Personally I don't see coming out as asexual any different to coming out as gay, bi or anything else. I don't think there's not a need based on people's acceptance or understanding of it, I think it's more to do with personal preference and not feeling the need to correct their assumptions. Forgive me if that's a naive viewpoint.

But, my friends know me enough not to expect me to point out sexually attractive people, or to show interest in having sex with someone.

This is where I hit issues, I think my friends are curious and/or worried that I'm isolating myself. Sometimes I think it would be easier to come out cos I'm sick of navigating the probing questions and gossip. On the other hand I don't want to do it just to make THEM feel better. If I do it I want it to be for me.

[Blue Phoenix Ace]

There's not only the personal aspect of it, but how it might help out others around you. There might be an "ace in the hole" in your extended family or friends network that you don't know of yet. Until you come out, this person probably isn't going to know to talk to you about it. By doing this, you might help a fellow confused ace. So really, that goes back more to visibility, making more of the general population aware of it.

[stonehengegirl]

I came out to a few friends in person and then to all my family and friends on Facebook. I'm in my 40's on no one is pressuring me about marriage or whatever but I did it for visibility reasons. I was one of the ones who thought they were broken before I knew I was asexual. I don't want others to feel that way. I post things on Facebook about asexuality a lot. Most people ignore it but I've been messaged by a friend I knew from high school who thinks he might be asexual too. I'm glad I was able to introduce that concept to him. I'm pretty tough and independent. I don't care what others think about me. It's up to you if you want others to know.

[Yoshpot]

There's not only the personal aspect of it, but how it might help out others around you. There might be an "ace in the hole" in your extended family or friends network that you don't know of yet. Until you come out, this person probably isn't going to know to talk to you about it. By doing this, you might help a fellow confused ace. So really, that goes back more to visibility, making more of the general population aware of it.

While I totally appreciate what you're saying, I can't help but feel that while coming out with the intention of raising visibility and awareness is noble (and I have the upmost respect for anyone raising awareness,especially in such a personal manner); my sexuality or lack thereof is such a private and personal thing for me that this is one area of my life where I don't currently feel the need to broadcast or explain anything to anyone. Though i do feel it is expected of me to explain my life choices to people, sometimes you simply have to do what is best for you - so in a way raising visibilityis also a personal choice :). I do imagine my feelings on this will change overtime however, I have only recently begun to feel comfortable about discussing my disability with people and on social media to help raise awareness - maybe one day I'll feel the need to do the same for asexuality :)