Cis by Default

[itsmelmels]

After being told constantly, again and again to "look more feminine" and constantly, again and again complying to these demands I built this really harmful though process that I could only ever be female.

...so learning about the gender spectrum was both heaven and hell.

As a younger child, I definitely was more masculine and more comfortable with myself. However, when forced to dress/act feminine I found that I did not mind these activities, and sometimes actually felt I was being myself. It was a mess.

Now, I have just recently gotten my hair cut shorter, a decision that was not mine. I despise it, and wish my hair was longer again.

I am unsure what to make of all this. I know that I am undeniably female at least part of the time, which is why I identify as cis-by-default female. However, the more and more I looked into the terms, the terms genderqueer and agender seemed to fit.

Because my gender expression maintained extremely feminine, I dismissed these thoughts. I wish I could try expressing as more masculine and agender a lot more then I used to, but I don't have the materials to do so, hair or clothing wise. I don't know what to do? I understand this is a simple process, but any tips you have helps. Please.

Anyway for gender other than cis-by-default I was perhaps thinking genderqueer, but maybe a term better suited for me are gender fluid/genderflux. Is there anyway you can be both at the same time? I haven't come across such a word but if there is one I think it might help

Thank you for reading/caring/helping

have some cake dahling

[nerdperson777]

Cis by default can be described by the term cisgenderless. Being cisgenderless means that you accept your gender assigned at birth and if you were born the opposite sex, you wouldn't mind either. I have heard someone, may or may not be true, but cisgenderless people tend to be asexual.

[A. Lynn Lee]

I've heard the term Fluidflux as an identity label for people whose gender moves between genders and fluctuates in intensity. That might be something to look into.

As far as presenting more masculine I've found that wearing fewer bright colors and avoiding flaired/bootcut pants has helped. And hats, hats are wonderful if you're trying to keep/grow out long hair. Depending on what kind of masculinity your going for things to acquire or wear will vary. If you don't already have anything at all more masculine, or even gender neutral to wear, I suggest going to thrift stores and trying stuff on. Pick out things that you like, they may come from any section of the store and just see what you like. I'm afraid I know very little about agender presentation so I can't help you there.

Welcome and have some !

[UncommonNonsense]

I'm agender. With a slight skew towards masculine most of the time.

As a kid, I identified as much more male, but I suspect this was because I was aware only of male or female as an option,, and I knew I didn't feel female, so I became reactively male in my mind. Also, I was engaged in a battle of wills with my mother, who wanted me to be the perfect feminine little girl and pushed femininity on me very aggressively, including painting my bedroom in shades of pink (which I detested), buying me dolls despite the fact that I had an intense phobia/disgust of dolls, and forcing me to wear dresses, which I destroyed at every chance just so I'd not have to wear that garment again. With that going on, I felt I had to be extremely male in order to fight being forced into being extremely female. This lasted, off and on, until I moved out, though Mum did back off considerably in my teens. My clothing issues were complicated by my severe sensory integration disorder that made it impossible for me to tolerate tight, binding, restrictive, itchy, stiff, and irritating. Mum fought me on that too.. but she backed down after I ended up dislocating my shoulder twice while in the throes of a sensory meltdown, trying to remove clothing that was triggering the meltdown as fast as possible. There's something about having to rush a kid to the hospital due to an injury caused by her reaction to clothing forced on her by her mother that serves to make said mother back off about clothing.

I dress in men's clothes to the exclusion of all else. I haven't bought an item of clothes in a women's store or section of a department store in years. Even though I have a pic here that shows me with long hair, it is nice and short now.. in a gender-neutral style that works well for me. My glasses are a women's style, but only because I couldn't find a men's style that fit my short temples. I let my pierced ears (which Mum had also pushed me to get done) grow in as soon as I went away to university. And as soon as I had an income of my own, I got rid of the feminine shit and bought only men's clothes.

Even when I lived at my parents' and depended on them for everything, I still found ways to de-gender or masculinize my clothing. I saved up money given to me for birthdays and holidays and my small allowance and bought clothing I liked at thrift stores, second-hand stores, and discount stores. Places like the (now defunct) Bi-Way and the awesome Value Village got me through the worst years. I was also able to squeeze t-shirts with the logos of musicals and singers I loved past Mum, so I paired these with men's button-down shirts left open over them that I either nicked from Dad's closet or bought from second-hand or discount stores. I also gave male friends money to buy stuff for me at the places they shopped. As soon as I was allowed (age 12), I got a paper route and used that income for clothing I liked. After that, I began working in a restaurant after school and on weekends, and that income went to clothing I wanted too. As I began buying more of my own things, Mum began backing off a bit about forcing me to look and act feminine.

I also commonly went to school wearing the feminine crap Mum chose, but hid the clothes I wanted to wear in my backpack and changed before most of the other students arrived. Because of timing of rides/buses, I got to school at about 7:30am.. classes didn't start 'til 8:45. So no one would be around to see me coming in wearing girly stuff. I'd put the girly clothes in my locker, wear my boyish togs all day, then change back into the girly stuff before I left. I usually remained between half an hour to 45 minutes after dismissal so that the girly clothes would not be seen by most of the other students. When I got home, Mum wasn't usually around since she was a teacher at another school in town and didn't get back home until after 5, but neighbours were always around, and I didn't want them ratting me out, intentionally or otherwise. Once I got inside, I changed back into my more masculine clothes so that Mum wouldn't question their being in the laundry hamper later. I knew I was running a risk with the other teachers maybe telling Mum about my un-girly clothing, I felt there was a buffer, since high school teachers and elementary school teachers didn't really mingle.

It wasn't tough to change my image. But I did have to do it in a slow, gradual way. If I had shitcanned all the feminine clothing all at once and suddenly come to school wearing only boy's clothes, it would have been a major change that would have been noticed and remarked upon, talked about, and maybe even have led to bullying. But kind of *sneaking* the more masculine wardrobe choices in over the course of months made it easy for others to accept as being normal for me and nothing new or unusual.

If you're genderfluid, you may want to present as male on one day and female on the next, or male sometimes and female sometimes, depending on which gender you feel like at the moment There's nothing at all wrong with that. You know who you want to be. You may also choose to dress in an androgynous manner, wearing clothes from both genders at the same time or clothing that is gender-free. Gender-bending/blending may be tougher for some people to accept, but in the long run, you'll feel more authentic and confident and you'll know who among your friends really has your back. The ones who don't get it will bugger off. But the ones who support you will stick by you.

[Autumn Season]

What about the label "demigirl/ -woman"? ^^ It means, that at least partially and maybe even largely you are a girl/ woman.

[Heart]

Anyway for gender other than cis-by-default I was perhaps thinking genderqueer, but maybe a term better suited for me are gender fluid/genderflux. Is there anyway you can be both at the same time? I haven't come across such a word but if there is one I think it might

I have always seen genderfluid as inclusive of changes in intensity of gender. So, in a word, you could be genderflux if you feel only one gender, but varying degrees of it (for example, you may be a woman some days, a demigirl on other days, and agender on still others, and anywhere in the middle, but never feel neutrois or like a man). Then genderfluid means you float around the gender space in general. Most genderfluid people I've talked to, including myself, also "float" up and down the intensity spectrum too; for example, I have four "gender poles" that I tend to stick around and swing between; man, woman, neutrois and genderless. So, in a way, I experience flux in gender as well, but I roll it all in one into the "genderfluid" identification.

I have never heard of fluxfluid, but that also sounds like a great word to use if that's what you decide :) Remember that not all genderfluid people experience all genders or all intensities, so you can identify that way and then explain further when you need to about which ones you swing around with. If that makes sense.