Autumn Season Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 I'm so suspicious (of this one guy). xD Enough so to actually start a topic about this. I met somebody on a dating site and we seem to be a good match. We are so similar, it's scary. Ever since the first day our conversation developed in a romantic direction and I totally see potential in us. But this is going too fast, it's way too perfect, so I'm hitting the breaks and questioning every little thing he claims to be true. One of my issues is this: He is heterosexual. So I know that it's very much possible that he could not be happy with me. Of course I immediately told him I'm ace and asked whether he knew what that means and whether he's still interested. However he said that he already knew all this, but approached me anyway. Twice he said that sex is not the most important thing in a relationship for him. But! Doesn't that indirectly mean that he needs sexual intimacy, just not too often and that it wouldn't have to be perfect? Because everyone in my social circle says "sex is not the most important thing in a relationship" and they still would never go without the sex with their partner. Does he maybe not know what he's talking about? What if he's demi and he will suddenly desire me, once we establish a strong emotional bond? D: I know, I'm jumping to conclusions, but I can't help it. My red flags and alarm bells for reading between the lines are like screaming at me right now. Actually I might be freaking out because I'm afraid of binding myself too fast to another. Nothing about our conversations is small-talkish, silly or random. It's all so serious. OMG. °xD Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 You need to be far more explicit with him. I take "sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship" to mean he'll go slow, and won't push or pressure you... which, as you've said, isn't the same thing as "nah that's cool if I never have sex ever again ever." So yeah, I think it's probable he doesn't know what he's talking about. Link to post Share on other sites
Frigid Pink Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 I agree with Skullery Maid. I definitely think you need to discuss what "asexual" means to you and your relationships because all "asexual" people are different. I think you need to decide whether or not partnered sex is something you're willing to share at all and be upfront about your feelings on that. I think these things need to be worked out before getting too romantically involved with this person. Also, if the pace feels too fast, then maybe that's because it is too fast (for you), and maybe that's because important things haven't been discussed thoroughly enough for you to feel comfortable proceeding further. I wish you the best as you figure this out! Link to post Share on other sites
Stheno Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 If you're feeling red flags and alarm bells going off in your head I think you have a lot more to worry about than whether or not he's compatible with an asexual partner. Something is scaring you and causing you to be uncomfortable in the relationship. Do some soul searching and see if you can't put your finger on it and resolve it. If you can't put your finger on it, beware! Link to post Share on other sites
knout Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 If you're feeling red flags and alarm bells going off in your head I think you have a lot more to worry about than whether or not he's compatible with an asexual partner. Something is scaring you and causing you to be uncomfortable in the relationship. Do some soul searching and see if you can't put your finger on it and resolve it. If you can't put your finger on it, beware! True, it's always a good safety measure to pick up on red flags, they go by innocently during a conversation that's why it's good to think back upon them once you're out of the conversation. However, I think it's quite possible that there's not necessarily any red flags and that you are, as you suggest, scared because it seems "too good to be true". It's not uncommon to think something good will automatically bring something a lot worse. Especially for people who have been disappointed before or people who feel that something makes them unmatchable. (Not saying you are any of those, but it is a common thought about oneself even if it's always far from reality) It IS possible that you can't believe someone would be ok with you and everything you consider as "flaws". Remember that said flaws are probably things that make him even more deeply caring. (We always sell ourselves short) Be extremely clear about your asexuality, your boundaries. If you mean never say never, if you mean maybe let's see once we're comfortable say never - if he's ok with that, he's in it for good and if you can always change later, at least you're not leading on. Honestly, looks good for you, don't freak out and take things at your own pace :) Link to post Share on other sites
Stheno Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 The thing that makes me hesitate and retreat is that, to a lot of guys, an asexual woman is a challenge to be overcome. They don't respect asexuality and feel that if they persist or try hard enough they can fix you. It's really creepy and it's not always easy to tell when a person feels this way. It's just... really important to follow your gut and if it's telling you that something isn't quite right, run. Link to post Share on other sites
Xavy Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 Maybe I am still licking my wounds coming out of a failed 6 month long mixed relationship with a sexual person, but I would say your concern is well founded, because, as in my recent experience, sexual people will not be truly happy in a relationship without sex forever. Link to post Share on other sites
Batman's Ace Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 Don't ignore that discomfort. I doubt that everything's really perfect (because people aren't), so stay alert and if you need things to back off or slow down some, it's okay to enforce that. I agree with some of the above, that you should be very specific about your feelings and limits on the subject of sex, and keep an eye out for any slipping of his attitude. Even if he's being totally honest and really understands and all things are good, it's still important to pay attention to those red flags and alarm bells. That's your safety system. It's there to help you as best it can. Don't turn it off. Someone who's totally okay and really interested should be able to convince you they're on the level, and should have enough patience and respect for your safety to be willing to do it (within reason--truth serums are going overboard). Link to post Share on other sites
Autumn Season Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 Thanks a lot for all of the advice! By now I told him that I never want to have sex. But I also said that I'm doubtful whether the two of us would be good together. Maybe I was being a bit too fast with my judgment here and/ or sounding too harsh, but then again he moved extremely fast too, and I needed to somehow slow the development down. So today is the first day he didn't talk to me, even though he was online. In other words I might have more or less unintentionally chased him away. ^^° Well, let's see whether he'll answer tomorrow. Link to post Share on other sites
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