テト Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 So, if any of you remember me posting much stuff a couple of months ago talking about how much I was terrified of letting my boyfriend know I was ace, here's like an update. For people who can't remember or don't know, here's a recap: - started dating this guy - he started to take things fast - even though I've had sex numerous times before (it was all forced, I felt obligated, too. I thought something was wrong with me, so I thought forcing myself to have sex with different people would change that), I still was very anxious. - I would think about coming out to my bf about being ace, but was always too terrified. Well, we had sex, and the first time, .... I wasn't grossed out, but I didn't enjoy it. We didn't have sex for awhile after that, but within that time span, I began to really love him. Like I had a very strong romantic attraction to him. When we had sex the next time, I wasn't repulsed or uncomfortable. I actually enjoyed it. It was then I realized I am a homoromantic DEMISEXUAL. I had never felt a romantic attraction to anyone before in my entire life, and he was the first. I guess the whole point of this was that I'm kind of really happy that I'm with someone whom I generally love. I've never felt this way before, so I'm like....not sure how to express how I feel in words. Heh. (oh also, when I told him I'm demi but thought I was ace, he said he wouldn't mind it if I was ace. He said he kind of wished I told him earlier, so I was relieved by that, too.) Link to post Share on other sites
Autumn Season Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 I'm so happy for you. :) Link to post Share on other sites
テト Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 I'm so happy for you. :) Thank youuu! >////< Link to post Share on other sites
Misaki Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Aww! that's so sweet! life has so many twists, like books, doesn't it? Congratulations for your happiness, if that makes sense :) haha <3 Link to post Share on other sites
Koriander Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Congrats bro. Link to post Share on other sites
Bezzy-Loo Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Wonderful! That's one of those awesome twists. :) Congratulations on finding someone who makes you feel that way! Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Enjoying sex and desiring sex are two different things. Asexuals can enjoy sex. Do you actually have the impulse/urge/compulsion to have sex with him (i.e. sexual attraction)? Some asexuals can only feel comfortable with having sex with someone after a bond, but that doesn't mean they're sexually attracted to them/demisexual. It's easy to do something you don't desire when doing it for strong love; all previous discomfort can sometimes disappear. Sex produces the largest amount of oxytocin; the bonding hormone; that's why you're super romantically attracted to him now. It also sounds like the required bond for you to be comfortable in sexually compromising is sex induced (or at least only so after a certain preexisting bond). I think demi-consent is more accurate. Link to post Share on other sites
Frigid Pink Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 I'm glad you're happy. I'd also like to point out that some "asexual" people can (and do!) enjoy partnered sex. I define "asexuality" as "no innate desire for partnered sex," therefore, "asexuality" doesn't really have anything to do with whether or not someone enjoys partnered sex. I guess it's possible, although probably uncommon, for a "sexual" person to not enjoy partnered sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Bit Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 I guess it's possible, although probably uncommon, for a "sexual" person to not enjoy partnered sex. Lithsexual aka Aposexual? Link to post Share on other sites
Lost247365 Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Congratulations on finding someone you care so deeply about. BUT, I agree with Star bit. It is entirely possible to enjoy sex as an asexual. We just don't have an innate desire for sex with others in the way that sexual do. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 I guess it's possible, although probably uncommon, for a "sexual" person to not enjoy partnered sex. It's not that uncommon, I don't think. People with past trauma, sex/ gender dysphoria, internalized homophobia or any other variety of internalized sex shame, repulsion, certain OCD triggers... sometimes it amazes me that anyone is able to have unencumbered sex. Link to post Share on other sites
テト Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 Enjoying sex and desiring sex are two different things. Asexuals can enjoy sex. Do you actually have the impulse/urge/compulsion to have sex with him (i.e. sexual attraction)? Some asexuals can only feel comfortable with having sex with someone after a bond, but that doesn't mean they're sexually attracted to them/demisexual. It's easy to do something you don't desire when doing it for strong love; all previous discomfort can sometimes disappear. Sex produces the largest amount of oxytocin; the bonding hormone; that's why you're super romantically attracted to him now. It also sounds like the required bond for you to be comfortable in sexually compromising is sex induced (or at least only so after a certain preexisting bond). I think demi-consent is more accurate. I am sexually attracted to him. Congratulations on finding someone you care so deeply about. BUT, I agree with Star bit. It is entirely possible to enjoy sex as an asexual. We just don't have an innate desire for sex with others in the way that sexual do. I am sexually attracted to him. I'm glad you're happy. I'd also like to point out that some "asexual" people can (and do!) enjoy partnered sex. I define "asexuality" as "no innate desire for partnered sex," therefore, "asexuality" doesn't really have anything to do with whether or not someone enjoys partnered sex. I guess it's possible, although probably uncommon, for a "sexual" person to not enjoy partnered sex. I am sexually attracted to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Glad you found the label you feel fits and are so happy with your partner. :) He sounds pretty understanding as well. Link to post Share on other sites
テト Posted September 1, 2015 Author Share Posted September 1, 2015 Glad you found the label you feel fits and are so happy with your partner. :) He sounds pretty understanding as well. Ah, yes. I've also been teaching him more about the queer community and oppressed/forgotten people in general. He's generally and understanding person who likes to learn, so yea! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Well hey, it may have been a plot twist, but all I can see here is that you have a working and happy relationship. That's something to cherish if you ask me :)I hope it all goes well for you two! Link to post Share on other sites
Autumn Season Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 I guess it's possible, although probably uncommon, for a "sexual" person to not enjoy partnered sex. It's not that uncommon, I don't think. People with past trauma, sex/ gender dysphoria, internalized homophobia or any other variety of internalized sex shame, repulsion, certain OCD triggers... sometimes it amazes me that anyone is able to have unencumbered sex. And there's this thing called "bad sex". :D When one or both (or all three or... I'm stopping now xD) partners don't know (yet) how to give or receive physical pleasure (to their partner/ themselves), then it can physically feel bad, even though there is sexual attraction. Enjoying sex and desiring sex are two different things. Asexuals can enjoy sex. Do you actually have the impulse/urge/compulsion to have sex with him (i.e. sexual attraction)? Some asexuals can only feel comfortable with having sex with someone after a bond, but that doesn't mean they're sexually attracted to them/demisexual. It's easy to do something you don't desire when doing it for strong love; all previous discomfort can sometimes disappear. Sex produces the largest amount of oxytocin; the bonding hormone; that's why you're super romantically attracted to him now. It also sounds like the required bond for you to be comfortable in sexually compromising is sex induced (or at least only so after a certain preexisting bond). I think demi-consent is more accurate. I am sexually attracted to him. Congratulations on finding someone you care so deeply about. BUT, I agree with Star bit. It is entirely possible to enjoy sex as an asexual. We just don't have an innate desire for sex with others in the way that sexual do. I am sexually attracted to him. I'm glad you're happy. I'd also like to point out that some "asexual" people can (and do!) enjoy partnered sex. I define "asexuality" as "no innate desire for partnered sex," therefore, "asexuality" doesn't really have anything to do with whether or not someone enjoys partnered sex. I guess it's possible, although probably uncommon, for a "sexual" person to not enjoy partnered sex. I am sexually attracted to him. xD Maybe I shouldn't laugh, but I can't help it. It's great that you are attracted to your partner. ^^ And people here are overanalyzing. It's not like you asked anyone for their opinion on your sexual orientation. Link to post Share on other sites
Lost247365 Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 Enjoying sex and desiring sex are two different things. Asexuals can enjoy sex. Do you actually have the impulse/urge/compulsion to have sex with him (i.e. sexual attraction)? Some asexuals can only feel comfortable with having sex with someone after a bond, but that doesn't mean they're sexually attracted to them/demisexual. It's easy to do something you don't desire when doing it for strong love; all previous discomfort can sometimes disappear. Sex produces the largest amount of oxytocin; the bonding hormone; that's why you're super romantically attracted to him now. It also sounds like the required bond for you to be comfortable in sexually compromising is sex induced (or at least only so after a certain preexisting bond). I think demi-consent is more accurate. I am sexually attracted to him. Congratulations on finding someone you care so deeply about. BUT, I agree with Star bit. It is entirely possible to enjoy sex as an asexual. We just don't have an innate desire for sex with others in the way that sexual do. I am sexually attracted to him. I'm glad you're happy. I'd also like to point out that some "asexual" people can (and do!) enjoy partnered sex. I define "asexuality" as "no innate desire for partnered sex," therefore, "asexuality" doesn't really have anything to do with whether or not someone enjoys partnered sex. I guess it's possible, although probably uncommon, for a "sexual" person to not enjoy partnered sex. I am sexually attracted to him. My apologies if my comment was unclear and came off as if I implying otherwise. The way you wrote your post made it sound like enjoying or not enjoying sex was the defining criteria for asexuality. Nowhere in your original post did you ever mention being sexually attracted (though you did say romantically attracted) or say a word about suddenly desiring sex. That said, I take people at face value and my comments were not meant to imply you were not demisexual. Rather, there are probably many people questioning their orientation reading these forums and I thought it possible that they might read your post and get the mistaken idea that if they enjoy sex that they could not be asexual. That is why I made my post. Again sorry for the confusion and upsetting you. That was not my intent. Link to post Share on other sites
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