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Xavy

Holding Hands in a Relationship

53 posts in this topic

Can we bring back the etiquette of pretty lady gloves? xD

I approve, for women.

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Can we bring back the etiquette of pretty lady gloves? xD

I approve, for women.
I'd love that! Then I could hold hands without my cold hands or any human sweat interfering. :P
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It is a sign of emotional connection, a proof that the two of you are walking "together" and not alone next to each other. I like walking arm in arm with others. It gives me a feeling of satisfaction and security. Security of being appreciated was probably something your gf lacked in the relationship, so it makes sense that she complained in this way.

Radio Girl is completely right though: Everyone expresses their feelings in different ways. There is not one correct way to treat another.

This!

It makes me feel like the other person is saying "hey I'm here and I care for you, you're special to me and I want you close to me".

It's not really sexual for me, but it probably helps with the whole package of getting close to a person and feeling more intimate and connected to them.

My ex was always excited to see me and it made me feel special.

All those little things that are not sexual in nature, still build closeness and intimacy. So being happy to see the person, giving nice comments, doing nice things for them and being affectionate like holding hands, can help to build closeness.

If that's not something that comes naturally to you, you can either work on it (only if you want to), or try and find someone who isn't into affection and romance as much.

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I find adults walking around hand in hand look a bit childish. I haven't walked around holding hands with anyone since infant school. If people want to, that's fine by me, but it seems strange to make a big deal out of it in an adult relationship.

Yeah, anything can seem strange when others like it and we don't (or care about it and we don't), and that's why it's up to each individual to decide how they want to live their own life and what is or isn't tolerable for them in their relationships (regardless of sexual orientation and regardless of what other people think). I say "live and let live" as long as it's "safe, sane, and consensual."

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I don't believe that holding hands is considered a sexual act, but more so an action that provides physical contact with a person you are close to. Some people find it comforting or enjoyable to be touching their significant other, whether its through holding hands, putting an arm around them, cuddling, grooming (brushing or styling hair, fixing clothes, so on...). Overall, it sounds like your girl friend didn't feel that she was someone special to you because she didn't get that physical connection or other physical or verbal signs that you were "excited to see her". Still, YOU CANNOT BE BLAMED for making her feel that way since you were expressing yourself in different ways, she never told you how she felt, and she never gave you the chance to even try to meet her emotional needs.

I'm sure that you'll find a new girlfriend/partner soon, and when you do, try asking them what kind of actions they feel are important to a relationship, and tell them what you feel is important. The best of luck to you.

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I find adults walking around hand in hand look a bit childish. I haven't walked around holding hands with anyone since infant school. If people want to, that's fine by me, but it seems strange to make a big deal out of it in an adult relationship.

It's strange, I didn't get public displays of affection that much till I got a boyfriend and then "I totally got it" and now whenever I see people cuddling, holding hands I am like "awwww" and "awww I miss that". It becomes second nature, you not even aware most of the time you are doing it.

Still, YOU CANNOT BE BLAMED for making her feel that way since you were expressing yourself in different ways, she never told you how she felt, and she never gave you the chance to even try to meet her emotional needs.

I'm sure that you'll find a new girlfriend/partner soon, and when you do, try asking them what kind of actions they feel are important to a relationship, and tell them what you feel is important. The best of luck to you.

Yeah so true, she should have talked to you about it.

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I have told exactly same things by my boyfriend, and I'm afraid that he breaks up with me for that.

I wrote in a different topic about the whole situation that I'm in now.

He told me that I don't initiate holding hands, cuddling, kissing, and sex. So he feels sad that I don't show as much affection as he's showing.

According to him, I look more happy when I'm eating ice cream than when I see him after days(he said it very seriously...)

I've been trying to initiate actual acts and to be more actively emotional(or passionate) by thinking a lot by myself. Though I am still very happy to see him and I like him, I feel that I'm forcing myself to do everything to make myself affectionate now.

By the way, I don't have any active feelings when we hiding hands/kissing/cuddling/having sex. I feel the physical senses( like warm, sweaty, soft, smooth, rough, etc) but emotional changes( nor physical feelings like butterflies) I think that the reason I am not good at initiating those acts like holdind hands as you. That made me start thinking that I may be asexual. My mind is always busy about how and when I move/touch/say something sweet so that he can feel being loved. I'm so confused that I don't look like I'm in love at all when I'm in love so much...

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I like holding hands. It's just one of the ways to be affectionate with a partner along with cuddling, kissing and whatever else. I don't see it as sexual, more romantic if anything. I've never had the interest in being affectionate with a friend though.

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I don't mind holding hands, only for a short period of time. Once my ex wanted to hold hands through an entire movie. My hand started cramping because it was being held at such a weird angle and he looked offended when I eventually moved my hand away to work out the cramps.

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We almost always hold hands when out together, except where we would get in people's way walking side by side. Started doing it about 90 seconds after we kissed for the first time and have just always done it since; tends to be my right in her left. Curiously, Caro naturally interleaves fingers whilst I prefer hand-in-hand. We have no difficulty walking naturally at exactly the same speed together, but it just lets the other person know you're there beside them, you care for them, and I like everybody seeing that we're together. Sometimes this turns into arms around each other, and sometimes we hold hands when sitting or lying together. It's a very sweet and simple way of communicating your affections for each other.

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I personally am not a hand-holder, or a PDA person. There are some people who are, some who aren't. That's just the way it is.

There are some people who constantly need to be touching the person they're going out with, and the way I see it, that's just clingy (mind you, this is MY opinion). There's nothing wrong with doing it, or not feeling anything from it, but you don't have to do it.

Maybe next time you could talk about it? Make it understood on both ends.

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Have you ever heard of the love languages book? It's based out of Christianity, but also psychology. The notion is that there are different categories of how we express and receive love in any and all relationships/friendships. The categories are words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, gifts, and acts of service. Physical touch doesn't necessarily mean sex, but more like hugs, hand holding, hand on the back, cuddling, even in friendships, just more physical contact makes a person feel loved/appreciated.

I read about it in college and realized that I am quality time and words of affirmation. My mom is gifts and acts of service. So she would do things like offer me her credit card to fill my gas tank, and my reaction was like, okay, cool. Thx. Moving on. She felt hurt that I didn't show appreciation for her sacrifice. I honestly didn't even view it as a "sacrifice" for her (which is perhaps not reflecting highly on me) but I thought it was strange, and who denies money? But the point is, that I didn't walk away feeling like oh man, my mom loves me so much from that experience.

My mom does not ever write notes or if she does it would say "saw this 4 u" next to a coupon or something. I obviously (based on post length) an very wordy, and appreciate details in this way and felt like if she couldn't write out a full word for me, I must not be worth her time (she feels like who cares if the message was communicated, which I understand, now). I once asked her why she never says she loves me, because that was very hurtful to me, esp in high school, etc, and she looked at me like I was crazy and said that she does love me, and I know that, so repeating it just seems silly and a little obnoxious/over the top. I was shocked at that answer, but that's kind of how I responded to gas money.

Also my mom's idea of quality time is sitting in the living room, each doing work on our laptops and exchanging very few words. She is so thankful for my company. To me that doesn't feel like sending time together-no conversation, not sharing a new experience, etc.

So, my point is that while hand holding, or playing with hair or hugging or even just sitting next to each other on the couch as opposed to having some space in between, may be s eat she really expresses love and affection for many relationships(not just romantic) in her life. If holding her partner's hand is a way that she expresses her affection and the partner doesn't receive affection that way, and this is unknown, it can really create some issues and miscommunication. It's hard to understand how something so meaningful to one person, could hold do little meaning to the next.

This is just one aspect of why someone may want to hold hands, and I agree with what many others have posted as well. :)

I'm sorry for your loss, but hope this offers a little bit of insight.

-Aloki

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I don't think hand-holding has anything to do with being sexual or asexual; I assume it's just another form of physical contact/affection that some people like and some don't. The issue with not acting excited to see her is probably a similar one, although not involving touch. It's an expression of emotion directed towards the other person, and some people need plenty of that in a relationship in order to feel loved/wanted/connected/desired/whatever and others are much less inclined that way. There's nothing weird about the way you are, or about the way your ex was either. Different people, different needs and methods of communication.

VERY well put!!

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I echo the sentiments about communication and her not doing it right.



But also I can’t stand the feeling of being restrained, especially while trying to walk, so it really grates on me when people restrain my arms/hands by hand-holding, putting their arm around my shoulders, or putting their arm around my waist in a way that makes it uncomfortable for me to walk or sit properly. I definitely don't think not being into hand-holding makes anyone "wrong."


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Sorry to be repetitive but it does sound like a communication thing, which stinks.

 

Holding hands is a very mixed subject for me because, I like the ideas that go with it and it's very comforting to me. My problem is I have a sort of sensory issue with it I HATE my palms being sweaty and after a little bit my hands feel a bit tingly (not sexual). It's been like this since I was little I never wear gloves because I get that same feeling.

 

I know this is kind off off topic and some of these have been mentioned but:

I've read on alternatives for people who don't like holding hands; holding someones wrist, having a sleeve over the hand, holding on to their arm, linking arms, or holding onto cloths and bags (I call this elephant-ing), and brief hand squeezes. 

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On 9/1/2015 at 6:40 AM, Autumn Season said:

It is a sign of emotional connection, a proof that the two of you are walking "together" and not alone next to each other.

Yes, this - I don't like many forms of physical touch, at least not in a sexual way, but as for holding hands, I always get the feeling that you're not a couple but just two random people walking next to each other, if not holding hands...  (generic "you" here.)  

 

On 7/24/2016 at 10:13 AM, Hanako said:

He told me that I don't initiate holding hands, cuddling, kissing, and sex. So he feels sad that I don't show as much affection as he's showing.

According to him, I look more happy when I'm eating ice cream than when I see him after days(he said it very seriously...)

I've been trying to initiate actual acts and to be more actively emotional(or passionate) by thinking a lot by myself. Though I am still very happy to see him and I like him, I feel that I'm forcing myself to do everything to make myself affectionate now.

Ah, that sounds so familiar... I used to get "complaints" like this in many of my relationships, about not showing affection and not inititiating things.

(In some cases, I was thinking to myself "you can't really show something you don't feel...!" Yes, sometimes, or actually quite often, I was being together with someone just because you're socially expected to be in a relationship, like everyone else is, and for not to be alone all the time...)

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Everyone expresses their feelings in different ways. There is not one correct way to treat another.

As Autumn said, holding hands is an act of communicating 'I'm with you' to many people, so when someone refused to hold hands, the other person may well be receiving 'I'm not with you', which is hurtful.

 

Communication is only a third about what you do. It's a third about what the other person perceives, and a third about 'noise' that might get in the way between you sending the message, and them receiving it. You can't control what the other person perceives, but if you know how they tend to interpret particular acts, you can factor that into what you 'send' - like, if you know that withdrawing your hand is perceived as rejection, then see if there's ways to change that perception, by explaining it's not meant that way, or negotiate that you'll hold their hand for a few minutes at a time, or you can walk arm in arm, or something. It's not particularly about rights or wrongs, or control, or insensitivity. If you (or they) insist that you have no responsibility for the effects of the messages you send out, you simply won't communicate effectively.

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On 10/01/2017 at 6:32 PM, CraftyCritter said:

My problem is I have a sort of sensory issue with it I HATE my palms being sweaty and after a little bit my hands feel a bit tingly (not sexual). It's been like this since I was little I never wear gloves because I get that same feeling.

 

You probably don't have a sensory issue but probably have developped, when you were a little one, the ability to simulate something around/about your skin/whatver that others can only dream on to ever being able to witness once in their entire remaining life.

 

:cake:

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While I think holding hands is probably nice once in a while (no romantic experience here as a likely aro ace), if I was in a relationship, I can just imagine a bunch of situations it'd be annoying for the other person or myself:

1. Other person's hand is sweaty (or mine is).

2. Other person touches something unclean, and it triggers my clean freak instincts.

3a. I get tired of locking my hand into a very limited position.

3b. Locking hands forces me to walk in stride with the person, and I might be blocking the sidewalk.

4. I have the sudden urge to just swing my arm like a child holding onto one of their parent's hands.

Just shooting the **** here.

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Well, I've never been in a romantic and/or sexual relationship, but I enjoy holding hands with close friends and QPPs. Sometimes it's a cultural thing, like my straight female Chilean friend who often liked to hold my hand or link arms in public. Other times it's more of a love language thing, as touch is essential for some people - which is more the case in my QP relationship.

 

Have you ever read about the five love languages? That might help you gain self-awareness about the ways you prefer to give and receive love, and assist you in finding a more compatible partner.

 

I'm sorry to hear about the breakup though - it sounds very painful. Thinking of you!

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On 1/12/2017 at 3:44 AM, Nidwin said:

 

You probably don't have a sensory issue but probably have developped, when you were a little one, the ability to simulate something around/about your skin/whatver that others can only dream on to ever being able to witness once in their entire remaining life.

 

:cake:

I don't think you can judge if a person has a sensory issue with something unless you know all the details and I left what didn't pertain to this out. I don't understand what you mean by "developed" do you mean I developed the sensory stuff later or developed as in going through puberty. If you are insinuating puberty; I haven't noticed many allosexuals getting turned on just by holding/touching hands. I do know that there are exceptions to this because I don't know everyone in the world. 

 

When I say being a little I mean 5 or 6 these are early memories and I'm concerned by what you mean by the underlined bit, because if it isn't PG that is concerning. I really don't understand what you mean by the last bit on simulating something once in a lifetime because if that were the case I would be happy because I don't think it's common to want to make the feeling stop and getting agitated when you can't. 

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On 31/08/2015 at 10:00 PM, Xavy said:

Anyway, one of her complaints was that I never held her hand. Now, although that is true (except for that one time when she asked me to hold her hand and I did), to me, that is a meaningless gesture and I cannot understand why it was even worth mentioning in a break up conversation. What am I missing here, do sexual people attach some other meaning to holding hands that I am not aware of ?

Your ex-girlfriend doesn't know how to manage a relationship. Every person is different, and she shouldn't expect every partner to do what she desires. She never communicated to you about the problem and apparently was also passive in the hand-holding thing. Instead she decided to let a trivial matter boil down inside of her in silence.

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2 hours ago, CraftyCritter said:

I don't think you can judge if a person has a sensory issue with something unless you know all the details and I left what didn't pertain to this out. I don't understand what you mean by "developed" do you mean I developed the sensory stuff later or developed as in going through puberty. If you are insinuating puberty; I haven't noticed many allosexuals getting turned on just by holding/touching hands. I do know that there are exceptions to this because I don't know everyone in the world. 

 

When I say being a little I mean 5 or 6 these are early memories and I'm concerned by what you mean by the underlined bit, because if it isn't PG that is concerning. I really don't understand what you mean by the last bit on simulating something once in a lifetime because if that were the case I would be happy because I don't think it's common to want to make the feeling stop and getting agitated when you can't. 

CraftyCritter,

I didn't judge you or anything like that. I just wanted to tell you that there's a real possibility you did develop as a teen, probably not on a concious level for you, the ability to stimulate/tingle parts of your skin by will. For you it could be on a non-concious level as you seem to hate it. It's something that only a very few can do and that nobody else can even remotely understand, they call us liars, fools, whatever most of the time.

 

Anyway,

my apology CraftyCritter, didn't meant to be rude or insulting.

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