How to reverse internalized/socialised beliefs about relationships and sex?

[booksoversex]

I am ashamed about this, but I still can't quite realize that you can have a relationship without sex. It's like all the years of bashing that into our heads has made me internalize it to the extent where anything else seems almost "unnatural". Even though I don't really mind sex, I don't really care for it/desire it either and I am now sure this obstacle means I will never enter a relationship. Even if I got together with a fellow gray ace/asexual person, and we had a proper relationship only without sex, I think a part of me would feel it wasn't a "real" relationship, that it was lacking something fundamental (even if none of us wanted it). How do you reverse these thoughts? How do you open yourself up to a more non-traditional relationship?

[ThaHoward]

I guess you just have to try it, and then try to accept it. It is no other way really I think :P

[booksoversex]

I know. But somehow the thought makes me feel... Empty, almost void. As if I'm not a "real" adult. As if I'm a freak. I wouldn't want most people to know because they would think I was some cold, boring creature. I don't know, it sounds insane, but it is sort of how I feel. I had never really even heard about asexuality up until recently, so I thought I just never saw that as a possible explanation for me not caring all that much about sex and not looking at people that way. In some way, getting an explanation is a relief, and it's good to know I'm not alone. On the other hand - if I were gay I would definitely come out, no one I know would mind that. But being ace... It almost makes me feel less human, in a way. In some ways it was better when I was just frustrated with how differently I saw the (sexual) world, and didn't know this was an orientation, part of who I am...

[dissolved]

I think a part of me would feel it wasn't a "real" relationship, that it was lacking something fundamental

But this, as you've already identified, is because you've always been told that sex must be a necessary part of a relationship... I'm not saying people are wrong, but everyone is different and there will be some aspects of a relationship that you feel are necessary that others won't care about.

A relationship is what you make of it and how much you put into it. If you know it's going to be enough without sex, then you don't need to justify that to anyone.

I wouldn't want most people to know because they would think I was some cold, boring creature.

Ok, so no one has a right to know about your sexuality, and even if they did (and I mean this in the nicest possible way) do you think they'd actually care?? :P People do not look at couples in the street and wonder how much or how little sex they're having, what their orientation is... they just don't care.

You don't care about sex. That's absolutely fine. Sod what anyone else thinks about your orientation, your life, your future relationship(s). People don't care and even on the off chance that they do, their opinion and their judgement of you doesn't matter and as soon as you realise that, the better.

[Queen Under the Mountain]

I feel a little like this too. I always learned that grown up people date, marry, get laid, have kids etc. So, I always though that someday I would change and start to desire all of it, when all my friends started to have serious relationships and have sex and etc and nothing happened to me was when I started to wonder if I'll really change, after I learned about asexuality I saw that no, I'm not going to suddenly change, and you know? I'm happy this way, a lot of my personality fits better as asexual than as a sexual person. Nonetheless I can't deny that I still struggle with the ideia that I'll probably be single forever (I think I'm aro too) and as I get older it becomes more and more "worryingly" in the sense people will start to ask more and more about it and this also makes me feel "less" adult than everybody else, as if I got stuck somewhere in my teens, if I'm not mature enough. And the idea that soon all my friends will start to marry and having kids just turns everything worse, as if I'm getting behind. On the other hand, I know that in my case this whole asexuality thing is new to me, it have been only a feel months since I first saw myself as ace and I know that with time things will get better and easier and all this internalized opinions of what is a real relationship or a fulfilling life will be overcome.

[Autumn Season]

I don't think that others care as much about your sex life as you think. Your family might be different, because maybe they would like to have grandchildren, they want you to be happy and what is most pleasurable to themselves, they want you to have also. But remember that this is your life, your responsibility to make yourself happy. If you follow the other's advices and they make you miserable, you will be the one who will have to suck it up. That is why it is important to be firm in what you personally want in a relationship. The thing that could make you reverse the internalized beliefs the quickest, would probably be finding a partner who shares your needs in a relationship.

[knout]

I think it's possible that sex is often associated in our minds (through the usual media / peer pressure ideas) with the idea of intimacy, being close, being more than just friends and ultimately a full on relationship.

I know that it's possible to have all this without sex but it certainly took some time for me to realize that sex is just one part of a whole range of things people can do to symbolize their being together.

Ultimately, if you get to the situation and still feel something is missing it'll be good food for thought and something to discuss with the partner(s) involved... but then it is also possible that this need you feel that sex would validate the relationship will vanish as you realize the other person isn't expecting it either. Once expectations like that are out the window, so will the idea that sex is required... maybe - maybe not.

[booksoversex]

Yes, I know. And part of me is really relieved, it feels like a weight off my shoulders, in a way, suddenly getting an explanation of why I'm different, feeling like I no longer have to pretend to be something I'm not and chase after something I don't care about. I don't have to feel that tingle of worry whenver I have to tell a friend or family member that no, I am not dating at the moment, and no, I don't have anyone in my sights (and to friends, not family members: No, I haven't hooked up with anyone new), and I'm not really that interested in it. Now I know why that is and that it's not really something to spend too much time worrying about, and that feels good. So I guess I just have to slowly work my way through these feelings. :)

[Megami]

Yes, I know. And part of me is really relieved, it feels like a weight off my shoulders, in a way, suddenly getting an explanation of why I'm different, feeling like I no longer have to pretend to be something I'm not and chase after something I don't care about. I don't have to feel that tingle of worry whenver I have to tell a friend or family member that no, I am not dating at the moment, and no, I don't have anyone in my sights (and to friends, not family members: No, I haven't hooked up with anyone new), and I'm not really that interested in it. Now I know why that is and that it's not really something to spend too much time worrying about, and that feels good. So I guess I just have to slowly work my way through these feelings. :)

I'm going through the same thing myself, having not even heard of asexuality as an actual thing until about a year ago. It's a lot to think about, both freeing and terrifying. A few months ago I told my best friend about it, and she was very understanding and upon my explaining my feelings has started to see similar traits in herself. I imagine it's seeming to coming to terms with any kind of sexuality, and you're not alone. I can say for sure that time definitely helps. ^_^

[fluffghet]

If you realise you have internalised thoughts about things that aren't true- in this case relationships need sex or in other cases boys can't wear dresses etc- then you're already on a good path to not thinking those things. You just have to keep reminding yourself and telling other people as well. Like when I first realised relationships didn't need sex I was shocked. Very relieved but also shocked because it went against everything I had been told all my life. Now I just have to keep reminding myself- because it is the first thing I think when someone says they're in a relationship before I remember, no, it doesn't have to be that way and tell anyone else that too.