Ace Spectrum Relationship: gone bad, possibly abusive- can this be fixed?

[HotaruSan]

So, please let me know what you think. I would love for the relationship to be fixed and want to know how to do it, if possible!

The Beginning-

Things were great. We were friends and coworkers for six months before dating and almost alwayshad a great time together. We had so much fun that when we hung out, it was for hours just because we had fun together.

He said he always knew there was "something there" between us and pursued me for a long time despite the many barriers. I am an aromantic asexual and he, later shared secretly, is a demisexual. However, through our connection, I came to romantically view him. At the six month mark, I finally agreed to date him.

first Month of Dating-

It seemed wonderful. He was very attracted to me and told me he loved me within the first two weeks. I came to love him and did things both romantically and sexually that I would never do but tried to sacrifice for the relationship. Something went wrong though. In my struggle to deal with my world changing and figuring out "dating" and "romance", as well as how that fits into my life/dreams/goals, I overcompensated by avoiding him at work (only at work!). I was trying to keep it professional. But for a month he felt unspecial and disliked.That's where it all went downhill.

He didn't tell me he felt that way for a month and a day before his birthday, on a night he had been drinking, he let me have it. He yelled, he called me a d!ck, he said he never wanted to work with me again and I was such a turn off. I couldn't do anything but cry under the onslaught (and I am NOT a crying kind of girl). He would scoff, "I'm the one who's hurt, why are YOU crying?"

Somehow we "made up" and I made strides to be better at work. But he brought up the issue a couple more times, saying he still felt hurt because I had made him feel that way for a month.

Second Month of Dating:

The joy I found in the relationship /him despite the struggles of understanding dating had gone. I loved him and worked hard to do things to please him but it was never quite enough. He would treat me like a child and he the parent, yelling at me about my driving, about how I always leave my phone at home, how I never seem to respect his time, how I dont hang out enough with him (though we would see each other almost every day after work), how I don't drink enough water, how I let others run over me too much, how selfish it was of me to "disappear" for a day to be by myself and do errands, how I "should have done ___ this way instead of ____ that way", telling me that I usually get facts wrong and that he doesn't believe me when I say something and he gets upset when I'm "being rude" to him (even though I try to explain that I don't know what he's talking about, he believes I'm out to get him or something- no matter how untrue the reality is). However, he showers me with gifts and tells me he loves me. He is planning to move to Atlanta to be with me after our work ends in August (he's from California and we are both out of state for work).

Third Month of Dating:

Due to our work ending (and subsequently getting extremely difficult because it is the end), both kf us moving and both becoming dissatisfied with our relationship, stress and fighting and crying and arguing is almost continual. We had to drive cross country for our work twice in a week. On my birthday I spent 15 hrs in a cab of a cube truck with him. It was such a terrible day. It was spent crying and him yelling at me and my driving. Then he flips and would rub my arm, saying he got me comic convention tickets for my birthday. It was always flipping.

i noticed the first change when we were in Burbank. He had lived there before and was showing me around after work. We got in the elevator and he simply said, "Yeah, I think I'll live here again someday". I noticed he thought of that as a part of his future... without me. The next night was a wretched fight while driving to north Cali. He said things like, "Im looking for someone who puts as much effort into the relationship as I do" and, "I love you and always will" ( something he has said of past girlfriends, as if I am past tense) and "you're generally an unhappy person and I can't make you happy".

---- At this point, I wish I had died at birth.----

Somehow we made up and while in Cali met his family. At dinner with his family, I planned on ordering one sushi roll as it was a courtesy to dining out with others (in reality, I was so sick and backedup from the eating on the road that I didnt want to eat anything but forced myself to eat that dinner). When he found out I was eating only one roll, he whispered to me that I "have to order two" and that he "had to pay for my dinner". I told him I was sick and couldnt eat two and knew he was stressed about his finances, I didnt mind paying for my own. But he said, "Order two f*cking rolls!". So I did. But I wish I were dead. I dont want a parent in my life, controlling me. I just want a friend.

We finished out our work on "good terms". We only had one more fight but it was something we could work out and did, with him saying he loved me, wanted to be with me, and would rather us work things out than break up. I now can see that he has lost his zeal for life (as have I) and I think he wants us to stay together because he doesnt want to be alone, not nessecarily because he loves hanging out with me anymore.

I saw some warning signs when we were friends. One time was when I had worked an 80 hr week of hard, physical labor in the sun and accidently overslept on the Saturday morning following that. We had made loose plans to go to the shooting range but I missed my alarm and woke up late. He was incredibly pissed that I didnt follow through and that I had wasted his time waiting for me. I was overcome with guilt and sorrow until I realized- wouldnt most people have understood that I had a hard week and been glad that I had a time to rest? They would have been sad but would have rescheduled.

I don't know anymore. I love him a lot. I know he is a good guy. Ive seen it. He can be very kind and gentle and patient with people. People who have known him for years think the world of him. Everybody loves him too. Despite the bad stuff, he really does habe a good heart and will stop to help strangers broken down onthe road. I could actually see myself marrying him. We actually are very ccompatible. I dont know why he changed. I can't seem to fix this on my own. I know Ive changed too. I wish I would die soon (I'll never kill myself though). I dont look forward to anything in life. I wish my life were over. I can't seem to fake it for anyone. Im burnt ouf by work and exhausted by life.

is there any hope for us? I just want us to return to the better times!

[QueenWS]

Honestly I don't know what to say on this, I can hardly say if there is hope or not because he seems to have an issue... anger problems too...

I can't tell if he will be like this if you still continued with him

I just wish you didn't go through all that, have you guys ever sat down and discussed what bothered you about him and how you truly feel.

[lycanrising]

It doesn't sound good from where I'm sitting.

Granted, it's always the case with the honeymoon period that everything is great and then things become noticeably harder. That much is understandable. What doesn't sound good is his dominance and possessiveness. You're saying yourself that everything has turned bleak for you; that's not a nurturing relationship. Compatibility or not, that's not acceptable.

The only chance of hope you have is if you confront him over this. I know that this doesn't sound easy and in truth it's not: it's always easy to say when times are good "if stuff goes wrong i'll talk about it" but it's when times are tough that you've got to find the strength to pull through. I would advise speaking to him and laying it out.

If things improve then great! But if they continue or worsen, then you need to be prepared to act in your own self-interest.

[zoidberger]

It's hard for anyone to say but you, really. From what you've expressed here, he frequently makes you feel bad about yourself and tells you you aren't good enough. If that doesn't change at all I can't see how it would be healthy for you to continue. Relationships are supposed to have ups and downs but you have to at least respect the other person.

[Pikachu27]

This is pretty blatantly an abusive relationship. It's almost manipulative to continuously switch to a nicer persona every so often to keep you around despite his several serious problems. He makes you feel awful about yourself and isn't looking our for your health or interests. He has been extremely emotionally abusive to you on numerous occasions, if not constantly.

I honestly think that you should be getting out of that relationship asap. I'm willing to bet that he's not going to change back to how he was, if he was ever that nice person at all and not just faking it. You need someone who loves and respects you as a person, and who you love and respect in return, not a possessive, verbally abusive man who clearly has anger problems. You deserve better than to be treated like that or to be in a relationship with a man who is steadily deteriorating your mental health.

[Star Bit]

1) He's complaining about something he himself allowed because HE didn't vocalize the problem until a month later. None of that is on your head. Typically that's a sign of similar things to come; and it is; this guy has some problems.

2) This guy has some high relationship expectations. Several of which you can't grant and they seem to be deal breakers for him.

3) Maybe he's bipolar. Seriously.

4) There's nothing you can do about the relationship; they're all his problems which you can't do anything about. I suggest ending the relationship before you get anymore mental trauma.

[CrochetFool]

RUN. That's the safest thing to do.

[HotaruSan]

Thank you, all of you.

i have had discussions before and somethings get better. It's very difficult to have discussions though. I will try to have another with him and see where things go from there. If nothing really changes, we will probably end it. .... What a shame though. I finally see what could have been and also what could have been my life before agreeing to date.

Everyone likes to push you into relationships but no one likes to face reality that relationships are messy. They are hurtful and they change you, not always for the better. Is it wrong to be angry? I'm angry at my coworkers, friends and family for pushing me into dating/marriage. I'm angry at strangers who said that I'd change and fall in love. I'm angry at the media for exploiting relationships all the time as the thing in life to make one happy. I'm angry at myself for allowing this to happen. I have always known better. Now I don't know who I am. I died inside, I know that. I miss my friend and wish to have fun with him again. I miss my independent self. I miss my dreams and goals. I miss my innocence. I wish things didn't change this way. Life sucks and then you die. Tell that to the next person who says you should be in a relationship.

[Stheno]

Things will get better, but only temporarily. You have to understand that no abusive relationship is only abuse. There is always 'hope' for the victim in abusive relationships. The hope is illusory, however. Abusive relationships bring the victim joy and love as well as pain. It's normal to feel love, commitment, joy, and other positive feelings towards ones abuser.

I'm the survivor of two highly abusive relationships and I've counseled countless people as they've escaped relationships very much like yours. I want to tell you, from experience, that it always hurts to leave. I had to be physically dragged from the clutches of my first abuser and it took me years to leave my second abuser even though I realized early on that they were hurting me and that they were abusive.

What you are experiencing is not normal. What you describe is horrifyingly abusive.

It is not your responsibility to wade this out. It is not your responsibility to make him a better person. Regardless of the cause of his abusive behavior, you need to look after your own needs.

[Chardog]

Relationship should not be difficult.. Yes, difficulties do happen at times, but that should never be the tone of almost every interaction.. You boyfriend sounds very controlling in an unhealthy way. People make mistakes and people are entitled to their own space without having to justify their needs to others. Any good relationship partner should respect these things.

[Xavy]

These days, I am Mr Negative when it comes to asexuality and relationships, so forgive me for my bluntness, but this is not going to end well.

[WoodwindWhistler]

Thank you, all of you.

i have had discussions before and somethings get better. It's very difficult to have discussions though. I will try to have another with him and see where things go from there. If nothing really changes, we will probably end it. .... What a shame though. I finally see what could have been and also what could have been my life before agreeing to date.

Everyone likes to push you into relationships but no one likes to face reality that relationships are messy. They are hurtful and they change you, not always for the better. Is it wrong to be angry? I'm angry at my coworkers, friends and family for pushing me into dating/marriage. I'm angry at strangers who said that I'd change and fall in love. I'm angry at the media for exploiting relationships all the time as the thing in life to make one happy. I'm angry at myself for allowing this to happen. I have always known better. Now I don't know who I am. I died inside, I know that. I miss my friend and wish to have fun with him again. I miss my independent self. I miss my dreams and goals. I miss my innocence. I wish things didn't change this way. Life sucks and then you die. Tell that to the next person who says you should be in a relationship.

Please don't let this *one* bad experience sour your whole view on all romantic relationships!! >_>

I really hope this doesn't sound insensitive, but there's a difference between needing time to emotionally convalesce (and you totally *should* to get back on your feet even in a nonromantic way) and giving up altogether on any people who may be interested you in the future.

I'm pretty close to aro ace, was also more or less in a relationship with a demi, and frankly it was wonderful, even after he left me and we continued being friends. I've also dated another person and am on the cusp of dating another. It is entirely possible to run across nice people compatible with you.

Don't be angry at yourself- you had *every* reason to try this out- you liked him a lot and you were probably very curious to have the experience. It's fine to be angry at pop culture- it's a poisonous draft indeed. All of you coworkers are under its influence too, so while it would be appropriate to blast general attitudes and media portrayal, try not to accuse them specifically. Speak *to* them, not *at* them. You don't want this jerk to wreck your non-romantic relationships as collateral damage.

Those are where the seeds of equally as good, or even better, friends will come from. Your independent self is still in there, and will be reborn after a while. What *were* your dreams and goals? They'll come back to you. Especially don't let him darken your whole outlook on *life*. Try not to take out that vitriol on others- it's very likely he was taking his own emotional issues out on you. Don't continue the cycle.

[Tarfeather]

I couldn't do anything but cry under the onslaught (and I am NOT a crying kind of girl). He would scoff, "I'm the one who's hurt, why are YOU crying?"

o_O My girlfriend is also like that, she's the type who I thought would never cry or show strong emotions. One time I was in a foul mood and said some very unfair things to her that did make her cry, and the realization that I could hurt her feelings like that made me immediately snap out of my own self pity. I ended up feeling bad for that for a long time-- Being the kind of guy who makes a woman cry felt about the worst kind of offence to me (sorry about the gender stereotypes, emotionally they still haunt me sometimes). So this kind of.. baffles me. I don't want to judge him as I don't know him, but I know how I would judge myself.

Thank you, all of you.

i have had discussions before and somethings get better. It's very difficult to have discussions though. I will try to have another with him and see where things go from there. If nothing really changes, we will probably end it. .... What a shame though. I finally see what could have been and also what could have been my life before agreeing to date.

Everyone likes to push you into relationships but no one likes to face reality that relationships are messy. They are hurtful and they change you, not always for the better. Is it wrong to be angry? I'm angry at my coworkers, friends and family for pushing me into dating/marriage. I'm angry at strangers who said that I'd change and fall in love. I'm angry at the media for exploiting relationships all the time as the thing in life to make one happy. I'm angry at myself for allowing this to happen. I have always known better. Now I don't know who I am. I died inside, I know that. I miss my friend and wish to have fun with him again. I miss my independent self. I miss my dreams and goals. I miss my innocence. I wish things didn't change this way. Life sucks and then you die. Tell that to the next person who says you should be in a relationship.

*offers you a hug*

I get you. ^^ Opening yourself to this kind of thing changes you irrevocably. When you give yourself up like that to a relationship and things end up crashing down, I think it indeed requires you to "die inside", in order to become someone new and find new meaning in life. I think anger, or maybe bitterness, is a good response, as you can use those feelings to break out of a bad situation. It allows you to stop relying on others, it allows you to stop having compassion and mercy for those who would abuse you, it allows you to stop giving a damn about what others think.

My advice to you is to endure the pain you're feeling right now and to grow from it. If you face your pain and don't run away from it, you will eventually be able to learn to live with yourself again, and you will be able to protect yourself from situations like this in the future.

(By the way, I'm not advising you to stay in your relationship, in fact I would advise you not to. I just mean that you should face the pain of the breakup and that you should be true to yourself about what you've lost, and the good you've lost, rather than emotionally withdrawing/distancing yourself from everything)

[Capslock Cadet]

Is it wrong to be angry? I'm angry at my coworkers, friends and family for pushing me into dating/marriage. I'm angry at strangers who said that I'd change and fall in love. I'm angry at the media for exploiting relationships all the time as the thing in life to make one happy. I'm angry at myself for allowing this to happen. I have always known better. Now I don't know who I am. I died inside, I know that. I miss my friend and wish to have fun with him again. I miss my independent self. I miss my dreams and goals. I miss my innocence. I wish things didn't change this way. Life sucks and then you die. Tell that to the next person who says you should be in a relationship.

It's okay to be angry. It's more than okay. I'm going to be frank; he is controlling, and I felt really defensive of you reading your posts. It's not okay for him to treat you this way. I was in a similar relationship a few years ago. I kept convincing myself not to give up on the guy; that he was good deep inside, and that he'd been sweet when we were friends. But... it's not worth it. If you feel bad in a situation, you should remove yourself from that situation. If that situation happens to be a relationship, same thing goes.

If you think there's a risk he'll keep being abusive towards you even after ending the raletionship, you should put some more thought into the breakup. Like, make sure you have the support you need, etc. If not, just... end it. I know i'm being very blunt, but I'm so distressed that you're suffering this way. He's treating you poorly, and you shouldn't put yourself through that.

If you want to talk more about being in this sort of situation, just PM me or something. Good luck <3