Struggling to accept that my asexuality might prevent me from forming a relationship

[[Deleted]]

Hello AVEN,

I've recently discovered asexuality as a term, a community, and for better or worse a part of who I am. Forming a relationship is already an ordeal given that everyone has different criteria they seek in others, but when you throw asexuality into the mix it feels like you might as well be looking for a needle in a really big haystack. I hope that maybe hearing about everyone's experiences and struggles (as well as any advice that you may have to offer) that I might either find hope or come to terms with the likelihood of remaining single.

I realize that there are no definite answers and that many of you are also seeking answers yourselves so I appreciate any input you have to offer :)

Also, how many cake-related comments is too many? :P

[Maalie]

Hi Rey,

Welcome to the family :). I'm new myself so still feeling my way around too. I'm 46 now and wish I had known more about Asexuality before now. I thought I was open minded but the whole Asexual thing seemed to pass me by unfortunately. I just thought I was some kind of freak but finally I know I'm not and grateful to know I'm not alone either.

I can relate to what you say, especially when you say how do you explain to a partner that you enjoy masturbating but don't want to have any sexual contact with them. I've had this issue too but as I've said I wasn't aware at the time that I was Asexual and those relationships broke down but I still wanted a romantic relatonship. I've now decided that now I have an orientation that I can relate too I am just going to be honest about my needs or lack thereof when/if it comes up or is appropriate to discuss ie. I want to cuddle and possibly kiss you but I do not desire any sexual contact. If any possible partner is willing to take the relationship further on this basis then happy days if not adios I can achieve the sensual needs of cuddling from my friends until someone comes along that gets it or at least willing to try to understand. I guess the masturbating part will be mentioned when/if it's appropriate. This I think will be the hardest part for me to explain but I'll try my best.

Despite wanting a romantic relatonship I am aware that I experience sensual attraction and I do have a very close friendship (my best friend) with a lesbian Asexual and we have had this conversation and we are very tactile and both our sensual (cuddling, hand holding) needs are met so I guess we're both lucky on that score.

Probably not that helpful sorry, my ramblings seem a little all over the place.

but enjoy some cake on me :D

[D-Ace]

Hello! I have noticed a lot of people from Ontario so you are definitely not alone up there! Trying the aven meetup page may help you to whittle out some of that haystack if you are looking to meet others like yourself. I don't know much about fetishes but on another comment I read somewhere someone talked about something called a munch? Seemed like where you meet others with fetishes in a non sexual environment to discuss your likes so there may be something like that for you if you look into it a little further. Seeing that you are 25, I have noticed many young people in the ace community coming out so hopefully over time it will become more accepted and discussed in the mainstream which could make it easier to discuss with possible partners or to find someone. Best wishes with your search but being alone isn't so bad either as long as you have some great friends around!

One more thing -- when talking to a possible partner and trying to not get too confusing about the situation you could always start by telling them that you are not into penetration sex and let them know what you are okay with or like in advance. I personally wouldn't mention masturbation unless it was specifically asked about, or unless it will be something you do in their presence. Communication is key but when dealing with someone new who is not familiar with asexuals, I find it is usually best to start slow with the conversation not to scare people off by giving them too many new things to take in at once before they get to know you a bit and start feeling more comfortable. Who knows, you may meet someone who says thank god me too! When you say you are not interested in having sex with them. If someone I was slightly interested in said that to me they would move to the top of my list very quickly!

[[Deleted]]

Thank you both for your replies, I really appreciate your advice, it has given me some more food for thought on the matter.

It is quite comforting to hear that others share the same thoughts and feelings as me. I had no idea there were so many others from Ontario on AVEN, I'll definitely look into meet ups since I'm sure it will be enlightening to meet other aces in person. Hopefully asexuality gains more visibility in the near future and maybe eventually get the same kind of recognition as the LGBT+ community.

[Frigid Pink]

Hello and welcome!

So, this is going to be a bit of a long post, however, I hope you'll find what I share helpful in some way.

I was on OKC for awhile and am still on Acebook. I made connections with people on both sites (continue to do so on Acebook), some of which became romantic and some of which became friendships.

I met my current romantic partner on OKC, so, it definitely worked for me. It did take some time and many dates for me to meet my match so-to-speak (someone who reciprocates my interest and is also compatible with me), however, that's enough for it to be worth it to me. I'm okay with my experiences with these sites because, well, I eventually got the outcome I wanted from them, which is a romantic partner.

I recognize that it's more difficult for me to find someone compatible with me (both online and offline) since I'm a hetero-demi-romantic asexual and I accept that, however, I didn't and wouldn't let the fact that most people won't be compatible with me or that it's much harder to find someone compatible with me discourage me from still utilizing whatever resources are available to me to meet people who may be compatible with me (I wouldn't have met my current romantic partner otherwise!).

It was certainly frustrating at times because my dating pool is much smaller than average due to my preferences, especially when I discovered that long distance doesn't work for me, however, I prefer monogamy, so, all it takes for me is one person. I'm also quite happy with an un-partnered existence (my happiness doesn't depend on whether or not I have a romantic partner), even though I'd like to have a romantic partner (and do have one now!).

I'll add that while I met people through OKC and Acebook, I also met people in real life, however, I felt the online sites helped me determine any dealbreakers or major incompatibilities before ever meeting up with someone for the first time, and I liked having an additional avenue for meeting new people.

I highly recommend this article:

http://www.baggagere...-relationships/

(some excerpts)

8. Online dating is an option for meeting people but not your only option. Getting out there and meeting people like they used to do in ‘olden times’ (the time before t’internet), is still the most effective way. If you are going to date online, you need the hide of a rhino, good detective skills, and a willingness and ability not to let your imagination run wild.

50. Get your head in order before you date because we end up in relationships with people that reflect what we believe, so it’s best to make your beliefs and attitude positive. Don’t date if you feel cynical, jaded, or bored with dating because it will manifest itself in your behaviour and choices. You will be biased to look for evidence that supports your mindset. Check out The Get Out Of Stuck 21-Day email series.

53. On your dating profile, if you’re only interested in people who are looking for a serious relationship, say so. Often people say they are looking for a mix of things and get a mix of people, but it pays to be very specific in your profile because even though you may get less respondents, you are more likely to weed out people who are just looking to get laid or to clock up dating numbers, and even if you do still find yourself with one of these people, knowing that you have been specific means that you can let them go because you were upfront. If you don’t like ambiguity, don’t be ambiguous. If your relationship values and your needs and desire are to be in a long-term relationship, all that a casual relationship is going to do is take you on a detour and get you laid.

68. Don’t date because you feel pressured by your family and friends. They’re only projecting their insecurities on to you or not realising how they are coming across. Date because you want to.

81. Don’t hang around with people who have negative attitudes towards dating, especially if they affect your mindset and cloud your judgement. This is both your single and attached friends. It’s good to spend time around positive people who support you as opposed to negative people who suck the fun out of things, undermine your choices, trigger you questioning yourself, or portray you and your life as doom and gloom. It’s very patronising when attached people make out as if you’re something to be pitied and just as much of a headwreck when single and disillusioned friends try to sh*t on your efforts. Their experience is not your experience plus your story isn’t written yet.

83. Find out who you are, what you like, what your interests are and what your goals are, and then find events, clubs, places etc that not only reflect these but give you the opportunity to meet like-minded people. It doesn’t matter if it turns out that you don’t enjoy something – try something else. Don’t make umpteen excuses as to why it’s not worth your while to do something because all the excuses boil down to is trying to avoid change and getting out of your comfort zone. Meetup.com has yielded great success for many BR readers and make sure you check all of your local websites and resources. Be open-minded as you will be surprised at what you will enjoy while trying out new things. It also gives you an opportunity to practice your social skills.

100. Enjoy dating and don’t take it or yourself too seriously. This means striking a balance between meeting people, socialising, and the potential of finding a relationship. Not every person can be ‘The One’. Not every date has the potential to turn into a relationship. Not every date should turn into a relationship and if it did, you’re either ‘lucky’ or you have your quality control filter turned off. It’s okay to want a relationship but don’t make it the source of your self-esteem.

As far as telling someone about my (a)sexuality, I'd treat it like any other situation where there's romantic interest.

I'd mention my (a)sexuality as soon as possible if I felt the desire to pursue a romantic interest further, especially before I made a serious commitment or emotional investment.

Of note, I'd mention my (a)sexuality casually, as another piece of information to share about me, and wouldn't treat it as a "flaw" (because it isn't!) and generally wouldn't make a "big deal" out of it.

I'd also remember that "dating is a discovery phase" to figure out if I even want a relationship with someone.

I don't think a potential romantic partner necessarily needs to know about my (a)sexuality before the first date (although that's definitely ideal), especially if it's a stranger or someone that I don't know very well (unless I met them on an online dating site) because that's the purpose of a date. "Dating is a discovery phase" (http://www.baggagere...a-relationship/) to work out if I even want a romantic relationship with someone. I may not even want a second date after what I discover on the first!

With that said, I definitely think a potential romantic partner needs to know about my (a)sexuality before I get seriously involved with them. Besides, it's a deal breaker for me if they don't accept my (a)sexuality, so, I definitely want to know if we're sexually compatible before things progress too far emotionally.

Check out this thread on AVEN about "success stories":

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/95601-the-success-stories-thread/?hl=%2Bsuccess+%2Bstories

Ultimately, I think it's important to determine whether or not partnered sex is something that you're even willing to share with someone and then be upfront about that early on.

I wish you the best!

[Stheno]

Consider sporting some asexual pride appearel. It doesn't have to be ostentatious; maybe something like an ace flag pendant or an ace flag sewn onto your backpack or a flag bracelet. I'm in a committed relationship but I also belong to several marginalized communities and I get very excited when I meet other people who are like me in public or at events. Symbology can play a major role in being able to recognize each other for who we are.

Good luck!

[Xavy]

I used to consider myself to be one of the more positive thinking aces on this forum when it comes to the possibility of a working relationship. Lately, if you ask me, I would say if you're ace, prepare yourself for being single the rest of your life, even as you continue to hope to get into a relationship.

Sorry to be a downer about this.

[El-not-so-ace]

Hi from Montreal! :) I would say that you can look into the Ace meet-ups to start with. Meeting likeminded people is always a good thing even if you wouldn't potentially find a partner from the get-togethers. As long as you're upfront with anyone potentially, I definitely don't see this as a deterent from having a relationship with another ace (or an understanding demi?).

[[Deleted]]

Sorry for a delayed response! Thank you all for your thoughtful input and advice, it's definitely helping me and keeping my spirits up :)

[SorryNotSorry]

I've been on AVEN for 11 years now, and I've learned a lot just by reading a lot of posts.

I think it's a safe bet to say that most of the negative experiences we have as asexuals trying to establish romantic relationships are the result of trying to do so with sexuals. Once you look at it that way, it's almost like we're trying to force our way into a setting where we're largely disliked because we're seen as messing up the game.

If we want to stop getting hurt so much, we need to have our own game and play by our own rules, instead of trying to play the game like sexuals.

[0000011113333]

finding a needle in a haystack isn't a problem if you have a magnet. i guess I'm trying to say make it easier find friends on forums like this and maybe the needle might pop out of the haystack

[AlanKey83]

finding a needle in a haystack isn't a problem if you have a magnet. i guess I'm trying to say make it easier find friends on forums like this and maybe the needle might pop out of the haystack

I guess this is everything in a very short sentence.

I've new to this site and find comfort in being able to relate with like-minded people. I have a very wide social circle with some very good amazing friends, but there are times when I crave companionship with a special person. Will I ever find that person? I might, but not through conventional dating as I want something, or lack of wanting, is different to what most people seek.

The Internet is wonderful in that it can bring like-minded people together. I'm happy as I am at the moment, but if the time comes when I want more then it'll be places like this that I'll being looking at rather than Tinder!

[Znkyou]

I've been on AVEN for 11 years now, and I've learned a lot just by reading a lot of posts.

I think it's a safe bet to say that most of the negative experiences we have as asexuals trying to establish romantic relationships are the result of trying to do so with sexuals. Once you look at it that way, it's almost like we're trying to force our way into a setting where we're largely disliked because we're seen as messing up the game.

If we want to stop getting hurt so much, we need to have our own game and play by our own rules, instead of trying to play the game like sexuals.

I couldn't agree with this more.

Further, I really think every asexual looking for a relationship should have an online dating profile. Meeting people in everyday life is still a possibility of course, but it's highly unlikely you'll run into another ace (let alone someone who's ace that fits the other criteria sought). As far as ace specific meetups, I'm sure the majority of us live somewhere without such organization. With that in mind, I've been seriously considering developing another dating site which caters specifically to asexuals, as I feel like none of them really do that well. The closest I've found to ideal (in my opinion) is okcupid. If there was something like that, specifically for aces, I think it would make our search far easier. I'll probably put a thread up in a few weeks regarding this idea.

[Jea]

Hey!

I think that many asexuals struggle with that problem. The point is that you should find each other xD No but seriously, I have seen many posts on here about people in a relationship with a sexual person, and it seems to work. I met a girl lately who said that she had a sexual partner, and that their relationship was open, that is to say that he can have sex with other people if he wants, but that he accepts his girlfriend as asexual, and loves her despite (or perhaps even because of) that.

Never give up hope, I'm sure you'll find happiness either way ^_^

Never too many cake references! :p :cake:

[Autumn Season]

I've been on AVEN for 11 years now, and I've learned a lot just by reading a lot of posts.

I think it's a safe bet to say that most of the negative experiences we have as asexuals trying to establish romantic relationships are the result of trying to do so with sexuals. Once you look at it that way, it's almost like we're trying to force our way into a setting where we're largely disliked because we're seen as messing up the game.

If we want to stop getting hurt so much, we need to have our own game and play by our own rules, instead of trying to play the game like sexuals.

I couldn't agree with this more.

Further, I really think every asexual looking for a relationship should have an online dating profile. Meeting people in everyday life is still a possibility of course, but it's highly unlikely you'll run into another ace (let alone someone who's ace that fits the other criteria sought). As far as ace specific meetups, I'm sure the majority of us live somewhere without such organization. With that in mind, I've been seriously considering developing another dating site which caters specifically to asexuals, as I feel like none of them really do that well. The closest I've found to ideal (in my opinion) is okcupid. If there was something like that, specifically for aces, I think it would make our search far easier. I'll probably put a thread up in a few weeks regarding this idea.

There are a couple of dating sites for asexuals like for example Ace-Book. They are not perfect, but they exist. Or do you want to make a better site?

[SorryNotSorry]

I'm rather down on dating sites because they tend to attract trolls, especially male ones who just want to go on the sites to taunt other men and insult women, then laugh about it. Yet I've read post after post by asexual women who want to put up a profile on OLD (asexual or otherwise) in the hope that men will somehow know they're on there and contact them... unfortunately this is happening at a time when many men are losing faith in the process, and worse, some of those men have lost faith in women.

It's much better IME to have meetups because those tend to separate the serious folks from those who just want to test the waters... plus, trolls don't go to meetups.

A big problem I've noticed nowadays is a sea change is necessary if the mainstream dating scene is to avoid a total collapse, and the asexual dating scene mirrors it to some extent. More and more of the "good" single men (including asexual men) who want to meet women are introverted and won't initiate. Women who want to meet these men for romantic purposes will have to do a little breaking through.

Sure, some rejections are to be expected, but IMO the primary reason why so many men have left the dating scene isn't because they kept getting one rejection after another. I haven't given up, because now I know I was trying to meet sexual women, and of course that turned out to be a flop. But I think we as lonely asexuals should make an effort to step up to the plate and "do dating right", then who knows? If we start having some success stories, sexuals will eventually notice and start asking us what our formula is.

But most importantly, those of us who are asexual and lonely can't sit around and feel sorry for ourselves, because then we'll get nowhere for sure.

[Znkyou]

There are a couple of dating sites for asexuals like for example Ace-Book. They are not perfect, but they exist. Or do you want to make a better site?

Yeah, I've been on all of them, and I feel like we should have better! haha - I'm not suggesting for a moment that they haven't worked for people; I just find every site to be unappealing/have major drawbacks and seeing as it's hard enough for us to find compatibility, we could use something better. And in my opinion, okcupid is the best I've seen so far.

A big problem I've noticed nowadays is a sea change is necessary if the mainstream dating scene is to avoid a total collapse, and the asexual dating scene mirrors it to some extent. More and more of the "good" single men (including asexual men) who want to meet women are introverted and won't initiate. Women who want to meet these men for romantic purposes will have to do a little breaking through.

Sure, some rejections are to be expected, but IMO the primary reason why so many men have left the dating scene isn't (?) because they kept getting one rejection after another. I haven't given up, because now I know I was trying to meet sexual women, and of course that turned out to be a flop. But I think we as lonely asexuals should make an effort to step up to the plate and "do dating right", then who knows? If we start having some success stories, sexuals will eventually notice and start asking us what our formula is.

But most importantly, those of us who are asexual and lonely can't sit around and feel sorry for ourselves, because then we'll get nowhere for sure.

Once again, I agree with you. A dating site developed with introverts in mind was actually a part of my idea. Here's where Okcupid excells, I think. Indeed, I originally created an account to 'test the waters', and I came away with alot of insight. The matching algorithm on that site is very accurate, from what I've noticed. My highest matches, 90% and above, were people I easily could have been friends with! This (from my thinking, I'm not exactly an introvert mind you^^) gives more introverted individuals an assurance they might be lacking on a traditional dating site. Further, the style provides an easy/light-hearted experience - it's by far the least 'stressful' site I've been on. I might as well be telling everyone that they should pack up their other dating profiles and head on over to okc, but for the fact that, naturally, the majority of users are allosexuals. Though they do allow the option to designate oneself as asexual, the fact that on-average the majority of respondents are sexual can be daunting to some aces. That's why, I really feel that the community would benefit from having a similar experience geared specifically towards aces.

It's not any of my business, but I'm really curious as to why you were pursuing sexual women. On the whole, it relates to a bigger question that I have, and that's how many aces wouldn't mind being with a sexual person? I went through a period where I thought I'd be able to 'put up with' a sexual, but not anymore. That's not to say I'd never end up being with an allo (who respects my desire to be 'celibate'); but really, for all the effort I put into convincing myself to either put up with sex, or otherwise worrying over the fact that I'm imposing my sexuality on my partner, I could just put some extra effort into finding a fellow ace. Of course, I have no idea what the majority of us think about sex, but I for one don't want any part of it; thus, I'd like to make finding someone compatible to myself (and simultaneously, others like me) in this regard as easy as possible.

[Autumn Season]

There are a couple of dating sites for asexuals like for example Ace-Book. They are not perfect, but they exist. Or do you want to make a better site?

Yeah, I've been on all of them, and I feel like we should have better! haha - I'm not suggesting for a moment that they haven't worked for people; I just find every site to be unappealing/have major drawbacks and seeing as it's hard enough for us to find compatibility, we could use something better. And in my opinion, okcupid is the best I've seen so far.

A big problem I've noticed nowadays is a sea change is necessary if the mainstream dating scene is to avoid a total collapse, and the asexual dating scene mirrors it to some extent. More and more of the "good" single men (including asexual men) who want to meet women are introverted and won't initiate. Women who want to meet these men for romantic purposes will have to do a little breaking through.

Sure, some rejections are to be expected, but IMO the primary reason why so many men have left the dating scene isn't (?) because they kept getting one rejection after another. I haven't given up, because now I know I was trying to meet sexual women, and of course that turned out to be a flop. But I think we as lonely asexuals should make an effort to step up to the plate and "do dating right", then who knows? If we start having some success stories, sexuals will eventually notice and start asking us what our formula is.

But most importantly, those of us who are asexual and lonely can't sit around and feel sorry for ourselves, because then we'll get nowhere for sure.

Once again, I agree with you. A dating site developed with introverts in mind was actually a part of my idea. Here's where Okcupid excells, I think. Indeed, I originally created an account to 'test the waters', and I came away with alot of insight. The matching algorithm on that site is very accurate, from what I've noticed. My highest matches, 90% and above, were people I easily could have been friends with! This (from my thinking, I'm not exactly an introvert mind you^^) gives more introverted individuals an assurance they might be lacking on a traditional dating site. Further, the style provides an easy/light-hearted experience - it's by far the least 'stressful' site I've been on. I might as well be telling everyone that they should pack up their other dating profiles and head on over to okc, but for the fact that, naturally, the majority of users are allosexuals. Though they do allow the option to designate oneself as asexual, the fact that on-average the majority of respondents are sexual can be daunting to some aces. That's why, I really feel that the community would benefit from having a similar experience geared specifically towards aces.

It's not any of my business, but I'm really curious as to why you were pursuing sexual women. On the whole, it relates to a bigger question that I have, and that's how many aces wouldn't mind being with a sexual person? I went through a period where I thought I'd be able to 'put up with' a sexual, but not anymore. That's not to say I'd never end up being with an allo (who respects my desire to be 'celibate'); but really, for all the effort I put into convincing myself to either put up with sex, or otherwise worrying over the fact that I'm imposing my sexuality on my partner, I could just put some extra effort into finding a fellow ace. Of course, I have no idea what the majority of us think about sex, but I for one don't want any part of it; thus, I'd like to make finding someone compatible to myself (and simultaneously, others like me) in this regard as easy as possible.

Agreed with everything you said.

[D-Ace]

I wouldn't mind a new ace dating site! Haven't tried okcupid because unless something happens to be magically perfect and fall in my lap I'm not really looking to take on the time commitment and work that starting a new relationship deserves, but I have been on acebook and it seems to actually make contact with someone you really have to put yourself out there as there isn't a great way to casually put updates on your profile and get likes and stuff like on Facebook. It doesn't give much information about the actual people, and many people in my area haven't been on in forever. I like the idea of seeing how many people someone is trying to connect with within the span of a month or something, like username1 has 5 active connections, and even better would be for someone to mark if they are friendly connections or potential for more so you aren't trying for people that are already taken, or people who just send out a million msgs hoping to get a bite.

[SorryNotSorry]

It's not any of my business, but I'm really curious as to why you were pursuing sexual women.

It's kind of a catch-22... there are asexual OLDSs and offline asexual meetup groups, but none of the latter are dedicated singles & dating groups. So what's left? Mainstream singles & dating groups and sites, but unfortunately asexuals are disliked in that scene because it's implied that if you want to date, it's a lead-up to sex and possibly parenthood. It's been my experience that non-asexual women in the dating scene don't want to waste time getting involved with a man who they know isn't going to try to charm them into the sack.

As for asexual women who seek a man for romantic purposes... few men in the non-asexual (= mainstream) dating scene will pursue a woman who's unwilling to eventually give him sex.

Hence, the catch-22.

I don't know what the scene is like for gay & lesbian asexuals who want a same-sex partner, but as a straight male asexual who'd like to meet an asexual woman for a lasting, loving relationship, we'll just keep failing and getting hurt as long as we try to imitate the way sexuals meet and form relationships.

[Sally]

It's not any of my business, but I'm really curious as to why you were pursuing sexual women.

It's kind of a catch-22... there are asexual OLDSs and offline asexual meetup groups, but none of the latter are dedicated singles & dating groups. So what's left? Mainstream singles & dating groups and sites, but unfortunately asexuals are disliked in that scene because it's implied that if you want to date, it's a lead-up to sex and possibly parenthood. It's been my experience that non-asexual women in the dating scene don't want to waste time getting involved with a man who they know isn't going to try to charm them into the sack.

As for asexual women who seek a man for romantic purposes... few men in the non-asexual (= mainstream) dating scene will pursue a woman who's unwilling to eventually give him sex.

Hence, the catch-22.

That wasn't really an answer to Znkyou: if it is as you say, why to you bother with non-asexual women?