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A cry for advice


Del100

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Hi Everyone,

Today for the first time, I came across this site having typed into google ''repulsed by sex''

This thread appeared: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/47674-is-anyone-else-repulsed-by-sex/page-2

It was very interesting to read people that have the same thoughts as myself, I thought I was alone!

I am in my late 30's , I've had the odd sexual encounter but not sexual intercourse, I just have too much fear. I can find a very small percentage of women physically attractive and I would say this can make me desire having sex with them, but I would be too fearful to carry it out. The actual act doesn't appeal to me as a result of seeing porn which I find a little sickening. I have this thing about cleanliness and the thought of French kissing/sex and smells associated with it are off putting. I cannot even consider oral sex. I think this started a long time ago at school when we were watching a couple engaging in sexual intercourse. I became hot and almost feignted. I think I fear that I might encounter pain or have a terrible experience.

I would be able to live with this condition, but my whole life, I thought my purpose was to marry and have a family. My life seems so worthless and pointless without this. I really want this more than anything, but these fears are ruining my life. That and my inability to get attracted to most women.

This has destroyed my life. Is there anything I can do to resolve this problem? I just want to somehow get attracted to a woman and have a family. I feel such a let down to my family. They want to see me settle down more than anything but I just feel powerless do anything about it.

Finally, I would like to really apologise if I have offended anyone in anyway. I really don't know where to turn to because this is a problem for me and it's preventing me from leading the kind of life I always wanted. I feel lonely, weird and out of touch with modern society. I don't feel normal. This hovers over me every day of my life. Please advise me of how I can attempt to resolve this situation.

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@Del100...First things first! IMO You're on the right track site to sort out that last paragraph: "No" to apologies, offending members, prevention, loneliness, weirdness, being "out of touch with modern society" and abnormality. Welcome... :ph34r:

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Thanks for the welcome Ristretto. That's reassursing to hear. Please point me in the right direction and let me know how I can move forward.

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Welcome ! I'm sorry, I don't know how to help you but you have my support and I hope you'll find an answer to your problems !!

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CatastropheCat

Well, first let me say welcome to AVEN. I'm relatively new here myself and the community has been AMAZING so far - this is definitely a place where you can come with your worries, fears, and (lack of) desires without the fear of being judged.

Now, second of all, it's up to you to to label yourself as asexual or not. I'd recommend looking at the definition itself, as well as the FAQ and other people's asks and seeing if you think the word "asexual" is something that applies to you. If it does (and it sounds to me like that it likely will), the first step is taking a deep breath and letting it out. It's okay. You've named it, and that in itself is something that's hard to do.

The second step is a bit longer and more difficult. Even if you are asexual and disgusted/put off by sex - or "sex-repulsed" as we call it here at AVEN - you can have a full, meaningful life. You have to realize that and accept who you are, because unfortunately for those of us (myself included) that aren't quite happy with our newfound orientation, there is no "cure" for asexuality. Why? It's not something that needs to be cured. It's just a part of who you are.

You don't need to have sex to have a family, and you don't need to have sex to have a romantic relationship. Those sound like two things you want/think you are supposed to want, and I'm here to tell you that it's okay to a) not want them and b) if you do truly want them, not have sex to get them.

I'm sorry if this response is long and rambling, but I just want you to know that you aren't broken. There's a whole community here that is either repulsed by sex or indifferent to sex, and the people I've met here are AMAZING, kind, wonderful people despite that.

So once again, welcome to AVEN. Feel free to personal message me or post on this thread again if you have any questions about what I've said. And remember - you are an amazing, unique individual no matter what.

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AgentSkyHawk

Hi there! :cake: I was going to say several things, but I think CatastropheCat pretty much covered it! I'm sex-repulsed too, so I understand exactly how you feel. Also try and remember (as well as the fact that you don't have to have sex to be in a romantic relationship etc) that having a family isn't everything. You can still be happy and successful without one! (although I understand that it's really hard when you want one and your family expects you to settle down too).

If you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm just a PM away :)

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Thanks for the replies guys.

You say it's possible to have a romantic relationship in this situation, but how would that be possible? As I said initially, I don't seem to get attracted to most girls. A few years ago I did meet one, but was terrified of going to the next stage and thus cut off communication. I was worried that I might hurt myself or humiliate myself with my lack experience in such a situation. The girl was clearly experienced and I couldn't handle the anxiety.

As for kids, if I cannot pass the first stage of getting the girl then this obviously rules out this possibility.

I have tried to 'get on with life' and enjoy the good things. I do make a good job of it, but it's there every day with me. As I get older, the thought of continuing alone is frightening. The thought of not fulfilling my family dreams makes me down on a daily basis. I have to deal with people wondering what the hell is wrong with me and why I am single at my age. Why does he never seem to be with a girl? I feel the world was not made for this situation.

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Hullo, nice to meet you and welcome to AVEN! :cake: :cake: I'm glad that you have decided to join and thank you for introducing yourself. I'm afraid I may not be much of help. :( I tried to fix my sex-repulsion too and that didn't go so well... I just learned how to accept myself. Though, a lot of people here can relate to you... so you are most certainly not alone. I hope you enjoy it here and... more cake!

chocolatecake6.jpg

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Anthracite_Impreza

I suppose the main question would be do you want a relationship and family, or do you just want to please other people?

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Hello, and welcome to AVEN!! :cake: :cake:

I'm afraid I don't have much advice to give, because I've never been in your situation myself. I'm very repulsed by sex, but I never really felt the need to start a family and have kids. I thought I would do it for a while because that's what's expected of me, but once I realized it's also okay to be single I have never been happier.

I guess I would say that if you don't have a family and kids, that doesn't make you worthless at all. There's nothing wrong with not experiencing sexual attraction, that's just how some people are and it's totally natural. If you still do want to start a family, then I hope you are able to some day, just don't feel disappointed in yourself if it doesn't happen.

I'm sorry I wasn't able to be more helpful, but I wish you the best with everything. We're a pretty supportive community, so hopefully being here will give you some of the support that you're looking. If nothing else, I hope you enjoy being a member here! :)

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CosineTheCat

Hello and Welcome to AVEN!

This is a wonderful site full of amazing people and I’m glad that you’ve become a part of it, and thank you for sharing your story, I know it’s not always easy thing to do. Be sure to browse around and check out all the different areas. I’m sure you’ll find something that interests you!

Welcome Again

uSvZYSS.jpg

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I suppose the main question would be do you want a relationship and family, or do you just want to please other people?

Hi Anthracist_Impreza, it's an interesting question. I would say both. I do want to please my family, but I definitely want it myself. I believe, given my circumstances, that would be impossible in the western world.

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Well, first let me say welcome to AVEN. I'm relatively new here myself and the community has been AMAZING so far - this is definitely a place where you can come with your worries, fears, and (lack of) desires without the fear of being judged.

Now, second of all, it's up to you to to label yourself as asexual or not. I'd recommend looking at the definition itself, as well as the FAQ and other people's asks and seeing if you think the word "asexual" is something that applies to you. If it does (and it sounds to me like that it likely will), the first step is taking a deep breath and letting it out. It's okay. You've named it, and that in itself is something that's hard to do.

The second step is a bit longer and more difficult. Even if you are asexual and disgusted/put off by sex - or "sex-repulsed" as we call it here at AVEN - you can have a full, meaningful life. You have to realize that and accept who you are, because unfortunately for those of us (myself included) that aren't quite happy with our newfound orientation, there is no "cure" for asexuality. Why? It's not something that needs to be cured. It's just a part of who you are.

You don't need to have sex to have a family, and you don't need to have sex to have a romantic relationship. Those sound like two things you want/think you are supposed to want, and I'm here to tell you that it's okay to a) not want them and b) if you do truly want them, not have sex to get them.

I'm sorry if this response is long and rambling, but I just want you to know that you aren't broken. There's a whole community here that is either repulsed by sex or indifferent to sex, and the people I've met here are AMAZING, kind, wonderful people despite that.

So once again, welcome to AVEN. Feel free to personal message me or post on this thread again if you have any questions about what I've said. And remember - you are an amazing, unique individual no matter what.

Hi Catastrophe Cat,

I read the question and answers.

I think I fall in the ''grey asexual'' area in the sense that I do ''occasionally feel sexual attraction but I'm not strong enough to act on it.''

I've built it into something to be fearful of. I don't know if I'd enjoy it, I fear the idea of being so initimate and the potential for pain. I don't know if if the situation arises and I'm with a women I feel sexual attraction for, whether I'll be able to go through with it. I'm talking about simple intercourse, oral sex is a definite no.

On exceptional occasions when I've seen an attractive woman, I have gone to my home and masturbated whilst thinking of the girl with me in a sexual situation. However that situation is tame in comparison to a porn film.

I don't watch porn and feel any sexual excitement whatsoever.

I'm still confused. I don't know what's going on.

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Hi and welcome! Thanks for sharing your story. This a great place to make some new friends and feel supported too. I'm glad you joined and hope you love being part of this awesome community.!!! :)

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CatastropheCat

I'm glad my questions helped you to come to some sort of conclusion, Del100! The only thing I'd really encourage you to think about in regards to family and relationships is that you don't need to consider the woman (or man) sexually attractive to have a romantic relationship with her (or him). The great thing about romance is that it comes in tons of different flavors. For some (generally not asexual) people, sex is a way to both get release/act on their sexual desires and find a greater sense of intimacy with a partner. Other people only use sex to find release and enjoyment and find their intimacy through other channels. That could be cuddling (which I'm personally a big fan of), date nights, watching a movie together, going out for dinner, having a stimulating debate about politics, etc.

Romance is about building an intimate and loving relationship with your partner - and for some people, especially those of us who are ace (though I cannot say I speak for everyone or even most people here), sex doesn't necessarily play a roll in that. To have a romantic relationship, all you need to do is want to foster that sense of love and intimacy - that is, you don't need to have sex or even want sex. You could be totally repulsed by the idea of genital contact but still want cuddles and kisses and movie nights.

Plenty of asexuals develop loving, romantic relationships, and it's something you can do as well! And if that leads to marriage and a family, well, all the more power to you ;)

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I'm glad my questions helped you to come to some sort of conclusion, Del100! The only thing I'd really encourage you to think about in regards to family and relationships is that you don't need to consider the woman (or man) sexually attractive to have a romantic relationship with her (or him). The great thing about romance is that it comes in tons of different flavors. For some (generally not asexual) people, sex is a way to both get release/act on their sexual desires and find a greater sense of intimacy with a partner. Other people only use sex to find release and enjoyment and find their intimacy through other channels. That could be cuddling (which I'm personally a big fan of), date nights, watching a movie together, going out for dinner, having a stimulating debate about politics, etc.

Romance is about building an intimate and loving relationship with your partner - and for some people, especially those of us who are ace (though I cannot say I speak for everyone or even most people here), sex doesn't necessarily play a roll in that. To have a romantic relationship, all you need to do is want to foster that sense of love and intimacy - that is, you don't need to have sex or even want sex. You could be totally repulsed by the idea of genital contact but still want cuddles and kisses and movie nights.

Plenty of asexuals develop loving, romantic relationships, and it's something you can do as well! And if that leads to marriage and a family, well, all the more power to you ;)

Hi Catastrophic Cat,

Your ideas on romance sound great but I always felt pressure that dating meant going on to have sex and that would be the expectation for the vast majority of women. That's why I generally avoid dating. I'd love to think there were women out there that were willing to go through that process first and that sex was of lesser importance.

I never thought of sex as a problem because my plan was to meet someone and develop a strong connection first. I thought sex would then follow as i believed it is a natural progress in a relationship. I was hoping it would be something we could get through together and that after the intial stages of anxiety it would be something I would enjoy.

The life that society paints and the expectation and pressure have led to me completely abandoning dating which has left me very sad as my plans to have a family become a fading dream.

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Your ideas on romance sound great but I always felt pressure that dating meant going on to have sex and that would be the expectation for the vast majority of women. That's why I generally avoid dating. I'd love to think there were women out there that were willing to go through that process first and that sex was of lesser importance.

I never thought of sex as a problem because my plan was to meet someone and develop a strong connection first. I thought sex would then follow as i believed it is a natural progress in a relationship. I was hoping it would be something we could get through together and that after the intial stages of anxiety it would be something I would enjoy.

The life that society paints and the expectation and pressure have led to me completely abandoning dating which has left me very sad as my plans to have a family become a fading dream.

For many women, sex would be an expectation in a relationship, but that doesn't mean it always has to be that way, There are some women- either because of asexuality or because of other reasons- that are okay with going without sex. Hopefully if you're still looking for a relationship, you'll be able to find and connect with one of these women. :)

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